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dg9159

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  1. TLDR; I broke up with my ex a bit over a year ago but I can't seem to move on properly from her and I feel lonely all the time. I broke up with my girlfriend of a year and a half a bit over a year ago. At the time we were doing a long distance relationship and while she said she wanted to come live with me eventually I felt that it was forced. I was also under a huge amount of constant stress and anxiety because I was also reading for a master's degree at the time and I kept fixating that the long distance relationship and added stress of thinking about all the things that come with it weren't doing me good. It was honestly the most difficult decision I ever had to take but I decided to break up with her. Two weeks later I visited my home country and we met and we couldn't stay away from each other and it was destroying me because I really wanted to be with her but I was in constant mental pain when I was alone studying and constantly stressed so I thought it would be best to stay broken up. During that month she tried everything to try to get us to be together again but I was at the point of getting sever anxiety attacks because I was so torn between wanting to be with her and not wanting to be in constant pain when I was away. After that we decided it would be best to not keep in contact for a while because it would do us both some good. During this time she was always on my mind but I wanted to give it some time and also give her some time because I knew I had hurt her. After 2 months I wanted to speak to her because it was her birthday but a friend of mine was telling me that I shouldn't but wouldn't give me an explanation. Moments later I found out that 3 weeks after our break up she started dating someone else and that they were together and this just destroyed me. I also knew I was the one to break up with her and it doesn't make sense to say it but I really really loved her it's just that I was in so much pain that I didn't know what to do and felt that breaking up was the only way. Even after learning that she was dating someone else I decided to speak with her anyway and we had a good conversation which was actually pleasant and that made me somewhat happy. The next day I wanted to speak to her again but I realized that she had blocked me on all social media except for WhatsApp. At this point I thought to myself that she clearly doesn't want anything to do with me and even though it brought me a lot of pain I decided not to contact her through the last remaining way possible. However a month had gone by and my state of mind kept getting worst to the point that I was randomly crying and having constant anxiety and feeling constant sadness. I finally contacted my ex again through WhatsApp and following our very brief conversation she blocked me for good which was the final nail in the coffin, so to speak. I was depressed and I didn't really know it because it was the first time I experienced something like this and I was abroad and "alone" so I thought it was just a combination of things and that it would pass. However, it didn't and eventually I saw a doctor and I was prescribed antidepressants at the start of this year. Things sort of got better, the medication was working and I was very pre-occupied with my Master's thesis at the time and I also tried hard to do other things to just keep my mind busy and it sort of worked. I wasn't back to my normal self but at least I wasn't in a constant state of anxiety and crying for "no reason". Then around June/July I was going through my Instagram and saw that my ex was seeing my Instagram stories. It briefly shocked me because I was blocked for months on end with no contact and suddenly she unblocked me on all social media and she started to go and view my stories without following me which meant that she was deliberately going into my profile and seeing what I'm doing. Immediately I assumed she had broken up, which I later found out that it had happened around 2 weeks after she unblocked me. I was to visit my home country again in August and a week before this she contacted my best friend and told her that she'd like to meet up for a coffee. They did and during their conversation my ex started crying and telling my best friend that I probably hated her and didn't want anything to do with her after she had treated me that way and that she'd like to speak with me but she doesn't know if she should. I had already told my friend that she had unblocked me and even though I was angry because of the things she had said to me and the way she had treated me after the break up (even though she knew that I was extremely anxious and not really able to think properly) deep down I still wanted to speak with her. So my ex contacted me and we met. We ended up crying when we met and I told her how sorry I was for hurting her the year before because I was and still am very sorry for that and she had told me how she was sorry and explained everything to me (reasons for blocking me etc) and that she doesn't want to exclude me from her life because it was a mistake for her to do that. That night we ended up making out and connecting again but we didn't have sex because we both knew that it wouldn't be healthy for us given that I was going away again 4 weeks later. I told her that I still loved her and it was true. Even though I tried to move on I still knew that deep down I loved her so I felt that I needed to tell her. She was telling me how she was asking for advice to her friends on whether she should have spoken to me because she really wanted to and this gave me hope that maybe there was still something between us because she showed all of these different emotions towards me. At some point she was even going to join me and my friends on a day out but she didn't want to join because she said she was too emotional because she realized that she had hurt me a lot (I explained to her that I got depressed but in no way ever blamed it on her) and that she was ashamed to meet my friends again because she thought they would be angry with her. After this I felt that she was being a bit more "cold" towards me. Whenever she met she would speak to me and treat me as if we were only friends and it seemed as if to her there was no history between us.This was making me feel sad again but I was honestly so excited and happy to see her every time that I decided to keep meeting with her. Eventually I had to go back and we kept in touch through Facebook but the conversations we're getting drier and drier. Eventually she stopped having a normal conversation with me and would send a meme to me every once in a while and sometimes when I would reply she'd just leave me on seen. Eventually she told me that she's not interested in any form of relationship right now because she's been in 3 different relationships in the past 4-5 years and that she needs time to be alone. I can understand this and I respected it because I made sure to not make her feel uncomfortable by being lovey dovey around her. I didn't say anything to her but this hurt me because she was the one who got upset about thinking that I hated her and she wanted to reconnect with me and said to me that she wanted to keep in touch but now she won't even bother to ask me how I'm doing every once in a while. I can't even understand why she decides to "keep in contact" with me because I feel like she's not interested. Then sometimes I think to myself maybe I'm giving it too much thought and she did say she wants to be single. I can't seem to move on properly. The annoying thing is that I'm trying to put myself out there. I go to work, I go to the gym, I take care of myself and I try to hang out with different people on weekends. I haven't been on a date in months and it's not my choice but I can't seem to meet any women. All the women who I meet when out or from work etc. are all in a relationship so I'm just alone in that sense. I'm not looking for another relationship but I also feel that a little bit of dating might help me move on better but it's really out of my hands. It's like anytime I have a emotional or sexual thought I always think of my ex because that's the last person I've been with and it's not helping me either. I feel lonely all the time and it's really not helping me. Anytime I visit my home country I feel better because I see my friends but I'm also feeling sad because I want to meet with my ex (which we do but everytime we meet I can see that she's lost her romantic interest in me). I know that probably it's not good that we meet up but I really want to keep in touch with her and I don't want to be the one to just end things completely because I've done that once and I still regret it. I don't know what to do at this point. It's been over a year, I seemed professional help and I got it, I started working, I try to have a social life but nothing is working for me. The only thing I can think of is to just keep trying (living my life) and maybe eventually things will get better but it's so tiring. But realistically I feel that this isn't working for me.
  2. Hi, I'm sorry that you're going through this right now. I've been in a similar situation however I was the one to break up due to long distance issues and the girl I was dating started seeing someone else three weeks later. I really understand this feeling of constantly thinking about what happened and wishing that somehow in someway things will just fall into place and you'll get back together but you shouldn't do so. First of all it's really really not healthy for your mind. I did that and eventually ended up needing to take antidepressants for the first time in my life because the pain was unbearable. That being said if you feel so sad and for so long please go see a therapist as there's nothing wrong with that and there's definitely nothing wrong with taking antidepressants. They're not forever and I speak from experience. Now, you're 20 years old which means you're still very young. Try to find something to do like going to the gym or starting a new sport. Spend less time on social media! Seriously, your daily commute to school or work? Read a book instead of looking at your phone! Unless you're the one driving of course :) and also block that person. They're no longer in your life and whatever little presence they have left through social media is destroying you so why would you want to keep doing that to yourself? If your ex wants to reach out he will find a way and so you don't need to keep looking at his social media. More importantly start hanging out with your friends and if you don't have too many try to join some sort of community which allows you to spend time with other people. Finally, there isn't a one way formula for this. It can take some time and sometimes you might feel like it's not working and that's okay as long as you keep trying to find new healthy ways to cope and more importantly, get better. I have friends who just go on a dating/sex binge and they get over their ex and that works for them. Personally the moment I was trying to get close to someone romantically I just kept thinking about my ex and it made me feel worse so I thought that road isn't for me. So find your way, get help, and most importantly get better!
  3. Well I work in the Netherlands and I try to be more socially active but I get what you're saying. I think the issue I'm having is that I feel that it isn't normal at my age to be in such a situation in terms of dating. Maybe I have the wrong idea though. I'm trying to learn the language and I'm always interested in learning the culture because I understand that I need to make effort to integrate properly.
  4. Hi, I'm not sure if this thread should be under "Dating Advice" but I'll explain myself. TLDR; 24 year old expat living in Amsterdam. Haven't been on a date in a really long time and I can't seem to get any female attention. No matter what I try. I'm 24 years old. I broke up with my girlfriend of two years around 1 year ago while I was studying abroad for my masters degree. I went through a pretty hard time but after a couple of months I felt like I was ready to start seeing other people (not necessarily to get into anything serious but at least going out and getting to know new people). However during this time I was very very busy with my masters to the extent that I didn't have time to date at all. I didn't even have time to socialize so I spent 99% of my time inside working on my thesis and then hanging out with my housemates in the evening which meant I wasn't meeting new people and making new friends. My housemates are a couple (which is fine) and all of their friends are also couples so when I do hangout with them I enjoy myself because they're nice people but also I feel a bit out of place (not sure if this makes sense). Now my studies are finished, I've started working, and started going to the gym regularly (3-4 times a week). I've started to go out more by trying to hang out with colleagues and going out to bars and clubs on the weekends. However, I'm having a really difficult time getting in contact with any woman. When I'm out I don't feel shy and not talk to women (of course I'm not being weird and creepy and chatting up every woman I see etc.) but usually it doesn't lead anywhere. I'm living in Amsterdam (but I'm not Dutch) and one thing I've noticed is that as soon as women notice that I don't speak Dutch they kind of dismiss me but I find this really weird because almost all the people I speak to can speak fluent English. I'm trying to learn the language but it's not like I can master it in a couple of months. I try using dating apps as well (tinder, hinge, happn) but they're really not working for me. I get a good amount of matches on them but I seriously can't get any form of reply on these apps. I take the time to look at the women's profile to not just send "hi" but I'm also not over the top and even so nothing I'm trying works. I just never get a reply back from any of these women on these apps. I've never had an issue like this before. When I was in my home country I could get a date if I wanted to and I had spent some time living in the UK and didn't have this issue at all. Don't get me wrong I'm not the type of guy who wants to be going out on a million dates but I like to go out on one once in a while. I try not to think about it that much but it does bring me down sometimes because I'm thinking that either I'm doing something wrong or there's something wrong with me that I haven't taken notice of yet. I feel like I'm missing out and that I'm kind of invisible because in general I see people around me having some form of romantic attention but I'm not getting any and it's been this way for months now. I'm sure other people have been in this situation and I'd like some advice on how to change things. Right now I'm just focusing on other things like work, the gym, trying to go on short trips, go out etc. But I'm always feeling like there's something missing and it gets me down.
  5. I don't think she will fix my anxiety. I have to fix my anxiety. It's true that I posted multiple threads before, like I said I was struggling with doing an LDR but I loved her and I wanted to keep trying. Fact is that I still love her and I miss her. Anyway, I just wanted to vent here and maybe get some replies which can help me, but I would never put that burden on her or anyone else for that matter. I know it is my issue to solve.
  6. I've seen a psychologist that showed me some coping mechanisms for my anxiety (such as breathing exercises) but after a few sessions she (my therapist) told me that she doesn't think that I needed to go anymore. Also, I didn't get panic/anxiety attacks when I was with her. I actually started to get them after we broke up, the first time when I broke up with her, then twice when I was kind of pressured to give an answer and the fourth time when I found out she was dating already. The crying came in "waves" were I'd be okay for say 2 weeks and then suddenly there is just one week were I started to miss her excessively and the slightest thought or memory about our time together would upset me because I felt that it was my fault that things are the way they are now. I still kind of feel that it's my fault and that maybe I should have kept trying but then again my anxiety was crippling me and I didn't even know what it was back then.
  7. TL;DR: I left my girlfriend of a year and half because I was unhappy doing long distance to the point that it gave me major anxiety. However, I regret leaving her but she's dating someone else now and I can't seem to move on. Long version (if you have the time please read this): So, I was in a relationship for a year and a half with this amazing girl. We met in February of 2017 and dated till about August 2017. Then came the time for me to move abroad to study for a 2 year masters degree. At this point I decided to break up with her because I had done long distance before but it wasn't for me. The break-up lasted for 3 days before we talked again and we both decided to give it a go. So following that we did long distance for almost another year (until July 2018). The year that we did long distance for was a rollercoaster of emotions. Every time we met I felt like the happiest man on Earth. However, we had some slight issues. Such as, her not being to keen on moving abroad and me wanting to spend a couple of years abroad to work and explore. Eventually she warmed up to the idea but I still felt unsure about her wanting to move here. We also missed each other a lot which meant I was feeling sad for the most part because I missed her, and then also had a lot of stress from the coursework that I had. The sadness and issues of long distance and my masters had given me so much anxiety that every day I woke up I felt miserable and I would always tell myself that I felt this way because I was in a long distance relationship. No matter how much I tried to think otherwise, my mind would eventually take me there. But I loved her and I kept going through it. However, like I said, in July we broke up. I initiated the break-up and it was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. In August I went back home for a 1 month holiday and in that time we met quite a lot. I was also seeing a psychologist for my anxiety because I had started to get panic attacks sometimes (something which I never had before). I know that it probably wasn't the best of ideas to meet but if it wasn't for the distance then we had no other problems and we just wanted to see each other. She asked me multiple times to get back together and a part of me wanted to but another part of me just kept remembering how I felt when I was away and this just triggered my anxiety even more. So I decided that it's best not to get back together, at least until I finish my studies. We had agreed on this but a week after leaving again she had a change of heart. She told me that she didn't want to just be friends and that I had to choose either getting back together or never speaking to each other again. At this point I was starting to feel calm again but this had just brought back all the anxiety I had. Once again I couldn't handle it and I told her it's best we stay broken up. The first 2-3 weeks were fine, I felt calm and thought I made the right decision for myself. However, around 4 weeks later I started to miss her. I went on Google and looked for advice and everywhere I read that you should just ride it through because missing your ex at this stage is normal. So I tried doing that for a couple of weeks but it wasn't working for me. So basically we cut all contact in mid-September and apparently in mid-october she had met someone and started to see this person. She told my friend that she still loves me and she's just hanging out with this guy to try and forget the pain. Then, in the first week of November she had her birthday. I found out on her birthday that she was dating someone because I asked a friend if she thought it was a good idea for me to say Happy birthday to her. My friend gave me weird excuses as to why I shouldn't do that and I quickly realized what the real reason was. I was devastated, I had to leave work because I couldn't stop crying and I started to get a panic attack in the parking lot of my job. But I was thinking to myself "why are you feeling this way? You left her and she gave you multiple chances to get back together back in August and even a part of September". However, I still felt a lot of sadness. I still wanted to speak to her and so I sent her a Facebook message wishing her a happy birthday. She immediately replied and we had what I thought was a pleasant conversation. I actually felt hopeful again and told her that I'd like to speak with her more often and that I missed her. Everything seemed fine, until the next morning I realized she had blocked me from Facebook and Instagram. I was hurt and confused. Why not just tell me to not speak to you? Why did you have to block me? I understand that I hurt her when I left her but I didn't leave her to be with someone else or for some stupid reason. I ended the relationship because it wasn't good for me mentally. I expected a bit more compassion I guess. Anyway, after that I felt okay for 2-3 weeks. I thought to myself, well she doesn't want me speaking to her and so that's it. But deep down I was still sad. Every morning I woke up sad and I sometimes cried at night because I just missed her so much. And in the 4th week (so beginning of December) I spoke to her again, this time through my "last" means of communicating with her, over WhatsApp. I basically spilled my heart out to her. I told her how much I loved her and that my anxiety had gotten great better of me before and I was literally willing to do anything to get her back. Remember how before I said I wanted to work abroad for some time? Well I was willing to just go back home immediately after my masters. This may not sound like a big deal but I've been wanting to work abroad for years, way before I met her, so me wanting to give this up to be with her was a big deal to me. However, she told me that it's too late. She told me that I had taken that decision and that she had given me plenty of chances back in August but I put her in second place and she didn't deserve that. She proceeded to tell me that this new guy makes her happy and she feels happy now so I should just move on. Even though this hurt, in a way I felt calmer after seeing that. I was feeling distraught because I missed her and I was thinking that there might still be a chance for us and I was going to lose it. But now that I saw what she said, all hope was gone and maybe I could start moving on. My issue is here, I can't seem to really let go. I try to fill up my time but I'm honestly so busy with my masters that I spend all my time either studying or working to make some extra money. I go out once in a while but not so much because I don't have much time. I always wake up in the morning feeling sad and missing her deeply. Sometimes it hurts so much that for a brief second I just wish I didn't wake up. Then during the day I feel "fine" although sometimes I catch myself fantasizing about her. Usually it's not fantasizing sexually, but more just about conversations that we had. How she used to smile, how I felt when I could just cuddle up next to her and all my problems seemed to disappear. Then I it hits me that it's over and I just feel sad. Sometimes I feel that my mind is f***ing with me because I won't think about her for a whole day and then at night I'll dream about her and it's always some sad dream. Like dreaming about finding a way to go to the past and stop myself from breaking up. Also, something else which kind of bothers me is how fast she seemed to move on. In August and September she kept telling me how much she loves me and that it's going to take her a really long time for her to feel better and even think about dating. However, a month later she was able to do so and i can't even think about talking to another girl because it just reminds me of my ex and how much I love her and miss her. What can I do to help myself and move on? It's been almost 3 months now and although admittedly I feel myself getting better, I still get moments where I'm just so sad and I miss her so much that I don't even know what to do.
  8. So I had been dating this girl for about a year and a half. 12 of those 18 months were long distance. I broke up with her in July while I was abroad but then in August I went back to my home country for a 4 week holiday and we met a lot during that time. We had agreed to stay friends but when I came back her she told me that she couldn't handle being just friends and that I'd have to choose; either be with her or we should just stop talking. Two weeks past and I was feeling destroyed, but I decided I needed to give being single here a go because I wasn't happy doing long distance. It's important to note that I wasn't happy doing long distance but as a person she made me very happy. The other reason was that I left my home country to go get a masters degree abroad and to also work there after. She wasn't too keen about living abroad but eventually said she'd like to do it but I always felt that she would come here only for me and that if something would go wrong I would end up being blamed for it. Also, our long distance period got extended by 4 months and I wasn't happy about that. It's a weird thing to say but I loved and still do love her, even though I broke up. If I didn't break up with her we would be together sometime around September/October 2019. On the day I told her it's best to stay broken up we had a heartfelt conversation where she told me that she would always love me and that she wouldn't be able to forget me. I felt the same towards her, and she told me that if I ever wanted to talk to her I should do so. I also told her to do the same. It's been a month now and I basically spent the last couple of weeks living at university or at work. I was trying to fill up my time as much as possible by constantly working, studying, or working on assignments. But every now and then, when I'm alone, I just start thinking about her and I have the worst feeling ever. I end up crying and I just feel like I had a certain happiness that I threw away. The past four days have been even worse, I wake up in the morning and she's the first person I think about and even while trying to work or do other things I get really emotional. It's getting to a point where I'm avoiding working in public places because sometimes I just start to cry. I feel that I really want to go talk to her, but some of my friends have told me that it's still fresh and it's not a good idea. Others have told me to follow my gut feeling. I don't want to rush but I also don't want to wait too long, it might be already too late for anything (even her wanting to have a simply conversation with me) but if it's not I don't want to ruin that. What should I do? I try to remember the reasons as to why I broke up and how unhappy I was in the LDR but all I can keep thinking about is her voice, her smile, and how she made me feel when we were together. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
  9. Well, this is what "being friends" means. She's not okay with that. She told me that either we're together and fully committed or else we won't see or speak to each other anymore
  10. Sorry for the really long message but I feel that it's important to know the whole story. So I was dating this girl for around a year and a half. The first 6 months we dated normally while the other 12 months where spent long distance. I left my home country to read for a master's degree abroad and to also work there after I get my masters. This was already a problem in our relationship because before knowing that I wanted to move abroad we had a conversation about this and she told me that she wouldn't want to live abroad (I was 22 at the time and she was 20). So when I took this decision I also decided to end things with her (about 5-6 months into the relationship, so exactly before going abroad). The reasons where that: I was in an LDR before and I was extremely unhappy due to the distance and all that an LDR brings along with it. She told me that living abroad wasn't something she really wanted to do and it was my dream to live abroad for a couple of years for quite some time. However, we kept in touch as admittedly we enjoyed each other's company and had no other reasons to break up other than the 2 mentioned before. At one point she told me that she needed to know if we would get together or not, because if not she needed to start moving on. She had also told me that she was now willing to move here with me (in the following year or at the end of my masters). Admittedly I didn't give it much thought at this point and said yes to her as I thought to myself "well I really like this girl and also if she comes here maybe we could form a nice bond between us". So that was it. It was okay at some point but there were moments when it was difficult. One moment that was difficult for me personally was when we had a fight because she told me that if she's willing to make a sacrifice and move here for me, then if she doesn't like it she expects me to move back to our home country together. I wasn't too happy about this because I had made it clear that I really wanted to work and study here and I had even broken up with her previously so that I could do this. She called me selfish but I didn't feel that I was selfish because it was just something I really wanted to do and I never ever tried to force her to move here with me. After a while she told me that she wasn't expecting this of me anymore. This was about 2-3 months into the LDR and after this point things started to take a turn for the worse. She would often tell me that she's unhappy with the situation and that she doesn't know if she can do this for much longer. I was very very busy with my masters and we sometimes wouldn't talk for a week. She works full time and would sometimes arrive home dead tired and simply go to sleep. But we didn't really complain about this because we understood that we were both busy. Also, something that was a problem (maybe more for me than her) was the sex part of an LDR. We weren't having sex (obviously) and we would complain to each other about this but we both knew that there wasn't much to do. We talked about what we can do and tried "Skype sex" but after trying it two times she told me that she's not really comfortable doing that and it doesn't do much for her anyway. So we both decided not to do that anymore because if we do that it should be something that we both enjoy. So now we were just feeling both lonely, sad, and horny. Around February we had a major fight. She wanted me to go back home for the summer while I wanted to work here. I had two reasons for this 1) I needed to work and make some money because the money I had was running out, 2) I wanted to have a foot in the job market here, and 3) I had to find a place to rent (as the contract for the place I was staying in was going to expire before the summer starts and I had to move out) and so I needed to pay for this rent. A side note: I could have worked back home for the summer BUT the wage in the country I'm from is wayyyy less than the one I got here and I would have worked an entire summer just to be able to afford rent. We almost broke up because she kept insisting about this, but we didn't and we kept the relationship going. It was mostly much of the same. We missed each other but we were also miserable in the way we were living. I had friends telling me that they would be out and should would just start crying. I was also feeling really bad and unhappy day in day out and I couldn't stop thinking that the LDR is making me unhappy. I couldn't remove this thought, it just kept nagging me. During all of this I was also extremely stressed with my masters which didn't help at all. I reached a point were I really wanted to break up but I would always keep telling myself "lets wait until she visits, maybe things will get better after that". The reason I thought this was because when we're together we never fight and we really clicked. It's weird to explain, I don't feel that we really want the same things in life (or at least now). I'm more focused on school, work, and travelling while she's not really interested in that. However, we still clicked in some way and really enjoyed each other's company. However, I would only be okay for a couple of days and then I would go back to being miserable. She was also complaining that she was feeling sad really quickly after our meetings. Finally summer came, I had booked my flights to go back home for a month only (I had a 3 month summer and working for 2 months where I now live was enough for me to pay rent and have money for vacations). However, about 3 weeks before going back home I decided to break-up. My reasoning was that I was telling myself that things would get better for months now but they didn't feel that way. Also, I was so tired of being miserable that I felt that going there and spending a month with her knowing well and good that I'll probably go back to being miserable was not nice of me to do to her (if I were in her position I would want to know). Also, I wanted to protect myself because I felt that after a month together I was just going to hurt even more when the time came for me to leave again. So I broke up with her. It was the worst thing I ever had to do. I cried for a couple of days but after a while I stopped. However, I was still feeling sad from time to time and I doubted my decision at least once a day. But I didn't feel miserable 24/7, which was a good thing. During these three weeks she contacted me a couple of times. She was mostly pissed off at me for silly things. An example of this was that I was finally working (and not studying) in a foreign country and I had more time to explore the place. Because of this I was posting a lot of Instagram stories (just because I enjoy it) and she sent me messages telling me that I seem to be moving on quite fast. I never said anything nasty to her. I accepted that I hurt her and that she needed to vent. She also messaged me because she had left some of her make-up stuff at my place and asked me to bring them back with me to give them to her. So finally the day arrived for me to go back home for a month of vacations. I met with her the day that I landed and gave her the stuff she left. She asked me again if I would consider getting back together. I looked at her and a part of me wanted to say "yes" to her but another part of me knew how miserable I was in an LDR and I wanted to give myself the chance to see how I would feel not being in one. So I said no instead, but "no" doesn't mean "No, you, I don't care about you anymore". After I said no she (genuinely) had a panic attack and I stayed with her, calmed her down, and comforted her until it was over. After this she asked me again to reconsider my decision because she said "You're telling me that you don't want to be with me but they way you look and speak to me say otherwise.". I said "no" again but she asked me again and this time I decided to say "yes" because seeing her made me feel different. All of this happened on a Wednesday. Then came Friday, we both went out to a club (which happened to be the same one). I met with my friends that I hadn't seen in a really really long time and we got super wasted. Apparently she saw me and looked at me, and said I looked at her as well but ignored her. I still swear to this day that I did not see her that night. She told me this at 4:30 am after the night out and was calling me an for not speaking to her. I panicked because I honestly didn't see her and told her that if she wants we could meet (yes at 4:30am, I live in a small place) and talk. This was a mistake as we were both drunk and we ended up having sex and she then slept over. The next morning she woke up and thought things were back to normal, I explained to her that they weren't and she got really pissed off at me. I still feel sorry for this because it wasn't a nice thing to do but when I asked her to meet with me to talk I didn't have the intention of sleeping with her. Anyway, that same day she just spent the whole day sending me horrible messages and wishing for the worst things to happen to me. The next day (Sunday) she messaged me again and apologized for saying all those things to me and hoped that we could still keep in contact. I said it was okay and that I get why she was angry at me and that we could stay in contact. In the meantime I was seeing a psychologist (because I had spent so many months struggling between wanting to break up and also wanting to stay in the relationship that I had built up a lot of anxiety). She also said that she didn't want to be mean to me because she gets that I needed help and it wasn't fair to pressure me. Then came Monday and she asked me how I'm doing, we had a talk, and she told me that she'd like to remain friends. I told her that if she was a 100% certain about this then we could try being friends. We spent two weeks meeting here and there, and then came my last week at home. On Monday she texted me in the morning that she needed to speak to me. So we met and she told me that she's in fact not okay with us just being friends and she thinks that we should stop communicating. We both cried but that was it, it was sad but we both understood (or so I thought). That same evening she texted me again saying that what she said in the morning is not what she really wants and that she'd like to really try being friends. I was unsure about this because it seemed like she didn't really want that and I didn't want to be an to her by saying "lets be friends" while I know she's suffering. However, she told me that this wouldn't be the case. So for that final week we met almost daily as it was the last week. Everything seemed fine. The day came when I had to go back, and it was all okay. She told me that she was really fine with us being friends and was even planning of visiting a friend of hers which lives close to the country that I live in and that she would like to visit me for a couple of days. Fast forward 3 days and she suddenly told me that she's not okay with being friends and that I had a day or two to take a decision. Either we get back together or we won't speak to each other ever again. Now remember when I said that I had to see a psychologist? This isn't something I mention so that people can be sympathetic with me. Whenever I'm faced with situations like this I get anxiety so severe that my body just freezes and my mind just stops working. I'm in constant panic and I just feel like I want to die. I told her that she needs to give me more time to think about this because she knows how I get and I'm just unable to process things. I'm not trying to sound like I have some disability or anything. I get that it's something that I can overcome (and I am) but right now it's just the way I am. I also just started the second year of the master's and I already had a lot of work to do. She said she wasn't really willing to do that. Two days later she went out and got drunk and she decided to start messaging me. The messages weren't pretty. She told me that she hated me and that she doesn't want to see me anymore and that I didn't deserve her. Following this she blocked me from social media and 15mins later she unblocked me to keep insulting me. That same night I had some friends over for a small party at my place. I was already feeling depressed and anxious from having a couple of days to think about this (even though I broke up with her almost 2 months before, but every time she asks me I just start doubting my decision.) so I told her that we could continue this discussion the next day. She didn't really want to but I told her that I had enough and if she didn't want to wait she could block me again. The next day came and it was much of the same, although she this time she only swore at me and told me that she was sorry for insulting me the previous day. She then said she would be willing to wait till Tuesday for an answer. I wasn't happy about this but at this point I didn't have much fight left in me so I said okay. I also asked her not to talk to me for the next 2 days so I could think better. She didn't listen to me and instead hassled me on both days that I was meant to be left alone. I then told her that if she really wants an answer she just needs to wait. I'm not trying to string her along but I was honestly unhappy in an LDR and if I get back into it I would have to be a 100% prepared for this sadness to come again. She told me she would wait and not talk to me until I give her an answer. However, things had now gotten a bit more complicated. She found a new job which she was excited for (and I was honestly happy for her), but this new job meant that if we got back together we would have the extend the LDR by 4 months. Meaning another 14-15months of LDR. She also told me that she could now try and visit once a month (for 3-4 days each time). The actual time she was willing to wait (as I later found out) was 7 days. I found this out because she would message me from time to time to see how I'm doing and also ask me if I knew when I would be able to tell her my decision. She didn't hassle me at this point but still spoke to me. However I was now confused more than ever. Here's whats going through my mind: I was unhappy in an LDR, now it got extended, BUT she says she could visit me once a month. She says she wants to move her but I feel like she would only do it because I'm here. She has admitted to me that she feels like she's too young to go live abroad and also the place I came to wouldn't be her first choice. Mostly due to the weather being here for most of the year. This makes me feel uncomfortable as I really don't want to have to leave here before I feel the time is right. I must admit that at this stage, my eyes have started to wander. I haven't been with anyone else, honestly. However, I find myself fantasizing about other women often. I feel that there is a lot of commitment and relationship hassle and that at my age I don't want to deal with this. I just want to focus on my studies and more importantly, being happy. Even with all this, I still have feelings for this girl and when we're together we NEVER fight or anything and I'm thinking that maybe I'm just being stupid. I now have 24 hrs left until I have to give her my decision. Honestly, I mostly feel that at this point the best thing to do is just to tell her that we should stay broken up and cut all communication. But there is something inside of me that feels wrong about this. Like maybe I'm being silly or I'm overthinking things too much (I get that this could simply be fear of being alone but I really don't know. I've thought about this and got no answer from myself). A part of me also feels that being together here might ruin what I had in mind and I won't really get to do the things I've wanted to do for years. So I know that finally I need to take this decision and no one can take it for me. But after reading all this, what's your opinion? Please refrain yourself from being mean or rude if you feel the need to so. I am honestly struggling a lot and even though I know I did some mistakes in the relationship and might have been an at times, I never meant to hurt anyone. Thanks for taking the time to read this!
  11. I will try and find a job in the country I moved to. She said she was intending on joining me but recently applied for a new job (which she got and I'm happy for her) and now she said she doesn't know if she'd be willing to move here anymore. Basically I would probably have to go back if I want to be together now (after my masters)
  12. So I dated this girl for a year and a half. 6 months dating normally and the other 12 months spent in an LDR. I broke up with her because the distance was causing me a lot of pain, no other reason other than that. We spent 3 weeks not communicating (except when she decided to speak to me on messenger just to vent and call me things). Then I went back home for a month for a short summer holiday. Here is where things got weird and tricky. We met cause I had to give her some stuff, we spoke, I told her it's best to stay broken up. She had a panic attack and I stayed with her and calmed her down etc (I still care a lot and have feelings for this girl and even if I didn't it would have been the right thing to do anyway). After this she told me to think it through properly because the way I look and speak to her tell a different story. Like I said I have feelings for this girl and apparently I'm not that good at hiding my feelings. I said that I don't feel that comfortable with getting back together because of the long distance. She said she wanted to stay friends (this made me happy) and so we tried that. We met here and there for that month, went swimming or got something to eat. Nothing special, just meeting (but admittedly sometimes it was more than "friendly"). I asked her a million times if this was okay with her because if it wasn't the tiniest bit I would have said let's not meet cause I don't want to cause her more pain but she said it was fine and I didn't need to keep asking. Anyway now I went back to the country I moved to because I'm starting the last year of my masters and today she told me that she feels that this isn't good for her. Either we get back together or we won't talk anymore, ever. And I feel like I'm back to square one, I'm doubting my decision of leaving her yet I know long distance isn't for me. I cry because I feel that I'm going to lose her forever but I can't bring myself to say let's get back together because I know I don't want long distance. How can I feel both of these things so strongly? What is your advice? I literally have 24 hours left to decide. When I ask friends some simply say "I don't know", some say "just suck it up and get back together", and some just say "just end things, you'll feel better eventually". I need help.
  13. I was dating a girl for a year and a half, 6 months were spent dating normally while the other 12 months we're spent long distance. I like this girl and I really care for her. When we're together we have good times and in a year and a half our feelings for each other grew. However, unfortunately I couldn't take the pain of long distance any longer and I decided to end things (this was very very every difficult for me to do). Now 3 weeks have passed and I went back to home country to spend a month here. I had to meet with her so that I could give her some stuff she left over at my place when she would visit me in the country I went to. She wanted to know if I was sure of my decision, and honestly I don't know if I do or not. I told her that I think it's best to stay broken up because I don't feel that I can spend another year like the last. I also enjoyed seeing her and speaking to her and this puts doubts into my head, it's like I want to be with her but I don't want to be with her doing long distance and so I'd rather just end it and try to move on (maybe that sounds ty but I'm in pain and I need to try to feel better). She asked me to think about it again after we met because as she described it, my words said one thing but the way I look at her says another. I told her that it's probably not a good idea but after talking further I told her I'll think about it again. Now I feel worse than before and I don't know why. I don't know why I'm feeling this way. How can I know that LDR isn't for me and I should just say no, yet I'm afraid of saying to her to stay broken up, and I also doubt myself about my decision? It's really destroying me. Whenever I'm alone it's just constant thinking about this and it gets so bad that I can physically feel the stress or anxiety or whatever it is in my head and i don't know what to do. I just want to be able to think clearly so maybe I can have some peace and be happy with my decision. I like this girl but when we're apart the distance hurts me too much and I can't help it.
  14. So you think I should just do it now, and not wait till I see her in person, right?
  15. Thank you and all the others that have replied, I appreciate the help. My last question is the following. In three weeks I will spend some time in my home country on holiday, should I break-up now via skype call? or should I wait until I visit and then break-up? I don't know when I should do it for the following reasons: 1) I believe I should break-up in person as it is more respectful. 2) I think it's cruel to wait another three weeks, let her get all excited that I will visit, and then just dump her.
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