Is it too late to get her back?

[ericw899]

This is your inexperience and naivety speaking.

 

Selfish, immature dumpers do this all the time. They say just enough to keep you warm in case they decide they want some convenient attention and affection. It has little to do with you, and everything to do with their needs for attention from someone. An ex who's still in love is the easiest resource for them. Read enough of these threads and you'll see many others who were just like you, convinced the breadcrumbs could mean something more - until they discovered their dumpers had actually met someone and no longer heard from them.

 

You have to stop being so gullible, my friend.

 

You're right. She hasn't talked to me in a week & I see she just followed a guy in the marines on Instagram. I know that's her type, so chances are he is my replacement.

[boltnrun]

Please stop stalking her Instagram.

 

How is seeing her Instagram helping you?

[ericw899]

Please stop stalking her Instagram.

 

How is seeing her Instagram helping you?

 

I just want her to be single & not find someone else. If only she knew how much I love her & what I would do to get her back. But I realize she wants no part of it.

[boltnrun]

I just want her to be single & not find someone else. If only she knew how much I love her & what I would do to get her back. But I realize she wants no part of it.

 

You can't force anyone to want to be with you. No matter how much you believe you love them. It just can't happen.

 

You can spend your time stalking her Instagram and waiting and hoping with your phone in your hand that she'll contact you to use you for attention, or you can choose to accept the situation. And hopefully move forward. You're so young and the world is before you. No way is your world only supposed to consist of this ONE girl.

[ericw899]

You can't force anyone to want to be with you. No matter how much you believe you love them. It just can't happen.

 

You can spend your time stalking her Instagram and waiting and hoping with your phone in your hand that she'll contact you to use you for attention, or you can choose to accept the situation. And hopefully move forward. You're so young and the world is before you. No way is your world only supposed to consist of this ONE girl.

 

I know what you're saying & I appreciate it. It's so hard for me because I waited 21 years for a girl to make me feel the way she did, and I put so much work into it. It's hard to see it happening again.

[MissCanuck]

I know what you're saying & I appreciate it. It's so hard for me because I waited 21 years for a girl to make me feel the way she did, and I put so much work into it. It's hard to see it happening again.

 

Again, this is your inexperience speaking.

 

21 is very young. You honestly have the best years of your life left ahead of you, and you will go on to meet other girls. You have to stop all this limiting, defeating self-talk. It's not helping you. I know it's hard now, but I bet if you come back here in a year, you will wonder why you were so hung up on such a silly girl to begin with. With time and space away from her, you will see she's nothing that special that simply cannot be replaced.

 

You will move on if you help yourself get there.

[ericw899]

Again, this is your inexperience speaking.

 

21 is very young. You honestly have the best years of your life left ahead of you, and you will go on to meet other girls. You have to stop all this limiting, defeating self-talk. It's not helping you. I know it's hard now, but I bet if you come back here in a year, you will wonder why you were so hung up on such a silly girl to begin with. With time and space away from her, you will see she's nothing that special that simply cannot be replaced.

 

You will move on if you help yourself get there.

 

Thanks for the kind words, I really hope you're right. I'm glad I'm seeing a therapist too as hopefully that will speed up the process

[ericw899]

She broke our 1 week of no contact (our longest ever) to ask how I was doing. We talked for a bit and she told me she was hanging around with a new guy who was "dangerous" as he is part of a drug ring. I have no idea why she felt the need to tell me. This was Wednesday. Since then we had small talk on Friday and nothing yesterday. Today, I woke up extremely depressed and hit her up just saying "good morning" We talked on and off for about an hour and nothing since. I guess what I'm trying to get at is, what can I do? I have tried everything to get over her and I was doing ok, but today felt like I was hit by a mack truck. I can't get over her, and I really need to see her again even as a friend. How can I go about this?

[boltnrun]

How is it you don't yet realize that remaining in contact with her and listening to her dating adventures is what is making you feel like you got "hit by a mack truck"?

 

Nine pages and you keep insisting on keeping in contact and then keep asking why you feel bad.

 

You don't want to be "friends", BTW. How would you feel about getting together with her and her new boyfriend for dinner?

[MissCanuck]

She broke our 1 week of no contact (our longest ever) to ask how I was doing. We talked for a bit and she told me she was hanging around with a new guy who was "dangerous" as he is part of a drug ring. I have no idea why she felt the need to tell me. This was Wednesday. Since then we had small talk on Friday and nothing yesterday. Today, I woke up extremely depressed and hit her up just saying "good morning" We talked on and off for about an hour and nothing since. I guess what I'm trying to get at is, what can I do? I have tried everything to get over her and I was doing ok, but today felt like I was hit by a mack truck. I can't get over her, and I really need to see her again even as a friend. How can I go about this?

 

You are deluding yourself if you think seeing her is going to help you get over her.

 

If you won't help yourself, none of us can offer any useful suggestions either. You have absolutely not tried everything if you are still in contact with her.

 

You have only yourself to blame for feeling like crap now.

[ericw899]

How is it you don't yet realize that remaining in contact with her and listening to her dating adventures is what is making you feel like you got "hit by a mack truck"?

 

Nine pages and you keep insisting on keeping in contact and then keep asking why you feel bad.

 

You don't want to be "friends", BTW. How would you feel about getting together with her and her new boyfriend for dinner?

 

Honestly I wouldn't mind going to dinner with her even if she had a boyfriend. It would just be awkward with him there as I wouldn't be able to talk to her the way I would want

[ericw899]

Eric, this is truly sad. You must stop torturing yourself. You're bordering on obsessive. Don't do this anymore.

It's best you cut contact(and I'm not one to push for that) but in this case, you will not move on. You cannot be her friend. Contact is setting you back. You have to let go. I'm sorry.

 

I understand, but how do you cut contact? How do you ignore a message from someone you love, when they are reaching out to you for help, love, support etc. Outside of my immediate family there is no one else in the world I love more than her. I don't have the heart to ignore her, just like I wouldn't ignore my sister, mother, aunt etc. if they were reaching out for my support.

[reinventmyself]

I woke up extremely depressed and hit her up just saying "good morning" We talked on and off for about an hour and nothing since. I guess what I'm trying to get at is, what can I do? I have tried everything to get over her and I was doing ok, but today felt like I was hit by a mack truck.

 

I don't know how many times it needs to be said for you to hear it. Stop contacting her.

That's what you can do to get over her.

 

It's much like being an alcoholic. You need to absolutely abstain from drinking. One drink and you start all over again.

 

`do not seek comfort from the very thing that hurts you'

 

I can't put it any more simple than that.

 

If choose to continue to contact her you can no longer complain about how much it hurts. You make that choice everytime

you do.

[ericw899]

I don't know how many times it needs to be said for you to hear it. Stop contacting her.

That's what you can do to get over her.

 

It's much like being an alcoholic. You need to absolutely abstain from drinking. One drink and you start all over again.

 

`do not seek comfort from the very thing that hurts you'

 

I can't put it any more simple than that.

 

If choose to continue to contact her you can no longer complain about how much it hurts. You make that choice everytime

you do.

 

I was no contact with her for a week & doing fine, but she broke it and asked how I was doing. I didn't have the heart to ignore her. I only messaged her yesterday because the NC had been broken so I was back where I started anyway.

[reinventmyself]

I was no contact with her for a week & doing fine, but she broke it and asked how I was doing. I didn't have the heart to ignore her. I only messaged her yesterday because the NC had been broken so I was back where I started anyway.

 

That's a bunch of nonsense rationalization and I think you know it.

 

Her reaching out to you is selfish.

I've broken up with others and didn't reach out and continue to pick at a scab that was trying to heal.

Out of respect, I left them alone to move on, because after all I didn't want them anymore.

If you can't block her, then ask her to leave you alone so you can work on healing.

[MissCanuck]

Honestly I wouldn't mind going to dinner with her even if she had a boyfriend. It would just be awkward with him there as I wouldn't be able to talk to her the way I would want

 

Oh, come on, now. You would not be okay with it, and you know it. You need to get that silly notion out of your head, man. There is not going to be a friendly dinner.

 

Your level of denial is going to lead you to continuous heartbreak.

[ericw899]

By telling her to not contact you. You are too wrapped up in her to keep this going. You will not ever heal this way. Don't you want to feel better? Don't you want to turn your thoughts elsewhere? Don't you want to be happy? You deserve to be. But you, and only you, can make that happen. I understand it's so very hard to not communicate with someone you care for and love, but you need to love yourself more. If you cut contact you'll find your feelings will change, and you'll be better able to handle this if you want to be friends somewhere down the line. If she's a friend, she'll understand, and respect your wishes. Real friends won't go very far. Tney will allow you the space and give respect, and still be there when you're in a better position mentally to deal with it. If they decide to not ever engage again with you after, then they weren't true to you to start with. Let her go.

 

It's just so scary letting her go. She is my best friend & literally my only friend. I know once all contact is gone for good, so is she. I just don't understand how other people can say magical words & their ex is back in their arms while I scratch & claw only to take 1 step forward then 2 steps back.

[boltnrun]

Why don't you have any friends?

[ericw899]

Oh, come on, now. You would not be okay with it, and you know it. You need to get that silly notion out of your head, man. There is not going to be a friendly dinner.

 

Your level of denial is going to lead you to continuous heartbreak.

 

My therapist suggested that I try & be friends with her. Obviously no boyfriend being there, but if she was casually dating someone, doesn't mean we can't have dinner together?

[ericw899]

Why don't you have any friends?

 

Very bad social anxiety. I have trouble connecting with people my age, particularly guys. Of my two "friends" other than my ex, they are both females and only talk to me when convenient to them. One I haven't heard from in months, and the other ignored my text the other night after saying she wanted to hang out with me.

[boltnrun]

My therapist suggested that I try & be friends with her. Obviously no boyfriend being there, but if she was casually dating someone, doesn't mean we can't have dinner together?

 

If you two were still together would you have wanted her to have dinner with an ex?

[ericw899]

If you two were still together would you have wanted her to have dinner with an ex?

 

Of course not. But after our breakup I was in bed with her one night & at the end of the week she was planning a long term relationship with someone else. Why can't I be on the other side of things?

[MissCanuck]

My therapist suggested that I try & be friends with her. Obviously no boyfriend being there, but if she was casually dating someone, doesn't mean we can't have dinner together?

 

OP, that's just not realistic for most people. Very few are going to want to have a friendly dinner with an ex while they are dating someone else, particularly when they know that this ex wants them back. Just stop entertaining that idea; you would not be able to handle it anyway.

 

Show your therapist this thread and then ask if he/she still believe you should try to be friends with this girl.

[ericw899]

OP, that's just not realistic for most people. Very few are going to want to have a friendly dinner with an ex while they are dating someone else, particularly when they know that this ex wants them back. Just stop entertaining that idea; you would not be able to handle it anyway.

 

Show your therapist this thread and then ask if he/she still believe you should try to be friends with this girl.

 

I just truly believe if I saw her in person, she would change her mind. She admitted to not being over me a couple weeks ago. She just can't see the new me & that I've made changes. Thats why I need to see her.

[Chris12189]

I just truly believe if I saw her in person, she would change her mind. She admitted to not being over me a couple weeks ago. She just can't see the new me & that I've made changes. Thats why I need to see her.

 

Doesnt change a thing. My ex and I held hands, made out like it was our first date, and she cried her eyes out over breaking up with me this past weekend. She still left me. There is a quote "If you love something set it free; if it comes back it is forever yours and if not, it never was". I suggest you adopt the same road I am and going fully NC.