I worry that my husband will never be satisfied

[Batya33]

Does he ever respond better to not having a choice or maybe only two? Sometimes people need a bit of a push. “I’m going to walk over to their new coffee place- want to come? I know he’s an adult but my son gets overwhelmed sometimes with too many choices and ironically if I put it as “we need to do some food shopping” he’ll come even though it’s not his favorite. Also if my son is grumpy he tends to go down a path of pointing out everything he dislikes. Often I cut him off and explain that it seems he doesn’t really mean they, he’s grumpy, and I’m not interested in all the negativity. Then I do some cleaning or distance myself. Again I know he’s not a child but sometimes what works with grumpy kids works with grumpy adults.

[Rihannon]

He does seem to respond better, in a way, if I just am direct and straight-forward. I have learned that I should not ask if he wants to do something. Instead I should tell him I want to do something and then ask if he would like to do it also. If I said "Want to go to this musical tonight?" no matter how upbeat I sound about it, he takes it as too passive. I have to say "I want to go to this musical tonight, do you want to come, too?"

 

And there have been times when I guess he wanted to do something for like, a spontaneous minute, but in that particular minute, I was in sweats at home, roasting a head of cauliflower (trying out a new recipe) in the oven while I was soaking a throw rug in the bathtub to clean by hand. So I was like, "sure, after I'm done with this" and by then he was not into the idea anymore, seemed all bummed again. I didn't sweat it. I just shrugged it off and offered him some delicious cauliflower and went back to my own business. If he wants to do things with me, he has to learn I'm not going to just jump and drop everything the second he finally sticks his head out of the sand. He's gotta make plans with me or risk the chance that I'm busy.

 

This may sound harsh but this is the way it has to be. If this means we drift apart. I don't know, I guess that's what has to happen.

 

I have some impulses right now to sign up for a bunch of new activities, a new volunteer place, and also to start shopping like crazy. I know these are just coping impulses.

[abitbroken]

He does seem to respond better, in a way, if I just am direct and straight-forward. I have learned that I should not ask if he wants to do something. Instead I should tell him I want to do something and then ask if he would like to do it also. If I said "Want to go to this musical tonight?" no matter how upbeat I sound about it, he takes it as too passive. I have to say "I want to go to this musical tonight, do you want to come, too?"

 

And there have been times when I guess he wanted to do something for like, a spontaneous minute, but in that particular minute, I was in sweats at home, roasting a head of cauliflower (trying out a new recipe) in the oven while I was soaking a throw rug in the bathtub to clean by hand. So I was like, "sure, after I'm done with this" and by then he was not into the idea anymore, seemed all bummed again. I didn't sweat it. I just shrugged it off and offered him some delicious cauliflower and went back to my own business. If he wants to do things with me, he has to learn I'm not going to just jump and drop everything the second he finally sticks his head out of the sand. He's gotta make plans with me or risk the chance that I'm busy.

 

This may sound harsh but this is the way it has to be. If this means we drift apart. I don't know, I guess that's what has to happen.

 

I have some impulses right now to sign up for a bunch of new activities, a new volunteer place, and also to start shopping like crazy. I know these are just coping impulses.

 

Don't shop like crazy.

 

I do think if your problem was that he was Mr Spontaneous and ALWAYS expected you to jump, then i understand teaching him you won't drop anything. But this man's problem is that he never wants to do ANYTHING. So therefore if he never wants to do anything for months and all the sudden he wants to do something, i think that as long as his suggestion is a reasonable thing to do (ie, not heading to the airport at a moment's notice), the rug can sit soaking, if you started the food a minute ago,you can take it out, or if its got 5 minutes to go, by the time you go throw different clothes on, it will be done. And if there is some legit reason you can't leave right now, don't pile up three of four reasons (rug, clothing, hair, makeup, cauliflower). Just say "okay, i'll get ready" -- go change your pants, throw your hair up in a ponytail if its dirty and do what you need to do for the food. Or turn the water off in the tub. whatever.

 

When he starts to suggest things regularly, then you can do the "i want to show him i won't jump".

 

Also, have to ever asked him to something that was not "tonight" --- ie its wednesday "friday night i would like to go to that lecture at the museum. its at 7:30 and there is dinner afterwards. would you want to come?" so if he is in a funk he has time to "gear up?"

[Rihannon]

Well, I do try to bring things up in advance but he is never a plans person. He resists agreeing in advance to do something. The musical, I mentioned about 4 days before the event that I had wanted to go. I could have been more specific about which night. It was about 11AM when I said "tonight."

 

In my mind, I'm usually up for anything at a moment's notice. That's how I interpret my behavior, anyway. I often think back to times when I thought we were going to do something and then he seemed hung up about it and we didn't. And In my mind I think of many times in the past when I had to be visibly ready for anything, or he would interpret my relaxed behavior and clothes as indication that I would refuse to do otherwise. I really don't know why, since he knows it can take me just a second to get ready if I have to.

 

Maybe it's just a communication problem, I think he makes a lot of assumptions and I don't know what's going on in his head because he won't say it.

 

Maybe I'm being too harsh. One reason he doesn't like to make plans is the unpredictability of his health. He gets migraines, and he can have other problems due to a chronic illness. To me, I always think that we can always cancel if that comes up. But maybe he doesn't like that disappointment and would rather just never commit to something.

[abitbroken]

Well, I do try to bring things up in advance but he is never a plans person. He resists agreeing in advance to do something. The musical, I mentioned about 4 days before the event that I had wanted to go. I could have been more specific about which night. It was about 11AM when I said "tonight."

 

In my mind, I'm usually up for anything at a moment's notice. That's how I interpret my behavior, anyway. I often think back to times when I thought we were going to do something and then he seemed hung up about it and we didn't. And In my mind I think of many times in the past when I had to be visibly ready for anything, or he would interpret my relaxed behavior and clothes as indication that I would refuse to do otherwise. I really don't know why, since he knows it can take me just a second to get ready if I have to.

 

Maybe it's just a communication problem, I think he makes a lot of assumptions and I don't know what's going on in his head because he won't say it.

 

Maybe I'm being too harsh. One reason he doesn't like to make plans is the unpredictability of his health. He gets migraines, and he can have other problems due to a chronic illness. To me, I always think that we can always cancel if that comes up. But maybe he doesn't like that disappointment and would rat

her just never commit to something.

 

If he decides not to do something and you are "ready" - then just go yourself. You have learned that now. you didn't know that before and react and treat him based on today and the past month and not three years ago.

 

Canceling or not going because of a severe migraine or a medical reason is totally different than just acting poopy. If he is just acting dramatic and poopy, go without him.

If you say "let's have a date night " and at the last minute he sincerely is having a medical complication - its okay to stay in, too, sometimes if the point was doing something together. Or shifting gears and getting takeout. It just depends on the situation.

[Rihannon]

=abitbroken;7020270- its okay to stay in, too, sometimes if the point was doing something together. Or shifting gears and getting takeout. It just depends on the situation.

 

Which is totally fine, of course. I often have felt that I was always the one who was more ready to adjust at a moment's notice, and that maybe in doing so, I've been indulging his moodiness too much, being overly accommodating. And that maybe over time this has made him see me as weak and unattractive.

[Rihannon]

abitbroken, I can't keep being the one in this relationship who is always ready to accommodate him. He won't tell me what's wrong, or maybe there's nothing wrong and he's happy staying home and being by himself. I think I have to start assume the latter unless he's going to say something to me. I ask, are you OK, and if he doesn't want to talk, I have to leave it at that. I can't operate on full alert like some hyper sensitive human gauge , jumping back and forth like the needle on a geiger counter, responding and reacting to his subtle hints.

If he's unhappy, I will talk to him, I am here for him. I will drop everything within reason and do things with him if it's important but again, within reason. As soon as the food was done cooking I said "let's go!" but to be honest I didn't automatically start changing clothes because I knew from past experience, this may not be for sure yet.

[Batya33]

This just seems ridiculous. Again referring to my son- he is 9 and he learns and relearned that certain things have to be planned in advance or they won’t happen at all and certain things can be spontaneous. And I mention the distinction because he is 9.

We pay for certain activities in advance and events and he is well aware he can’t just get poopy and not go. And we try to balance it with spontaneity and of course his suggestions. And yes sometimes you can drop every thing and be spontaneous.

 

And that’s cool but if it’s because of his moodiness I wouldn’t accommodate it. Also it’s selfish on his part. My husband and I are going to a concert this month which is more his favorite than mine. I’m usually really tired at night. And i might be tired that day and not wanting to go. And I’ll suck it up and go for him and with bells on. I mean isn’t that what couples and friends do for each other? One more thing. You say you might want a child with this man. Let me tell you planning with a child means always assuming you might have to cancel because the child is sick. I’m away right now on a vacation where we spent $30 for “trip insurance” just in case he got sick. And yes part of me hesitated in planning hotels that require 48 hour cancellations. Point is that if you stay with him and have a child the planning excuses will only get worse. So make your own plans and life and have him around as someone to love and hang with and do things when he is in the mood and when your cauliflower can be de-roasted. If that’s not ok I’d call it a day. I think your current catering approach is way too stressful and will breed resentment.

[Rihannon]

This dynamic between myself and my husband has been compared so many times to a mother and child that it is making me sick. I'm not upset with anyone for making that comparison, I'm more upset that I'm living it, and that I've contributed to a situation where that is a relevant comparison.

 

So, here I am changing my behavior and hopefully he will change his as well - i.e. he finds punishment in not getting my simpering fawning over him, and he doesn't get attention unless he asks for it. Moping doesn't get me to run in circles trying to fix it anymore. Instead, if he wants me to listen and try to help him, he has to ask for help. And if he just mopes, he will find that I am out there doing something else. So if he wants to have fun with me, or get things done, he can ask for my help specifically and talk to me about what's going on, or he can pull himself out of it and do it himself. But is this manipulative of me?

 

I mean, the main goal here is not to change him, it's to change me so I'm not so stressed out and I can grow as a person, have a life of my own. But I think it would be good for him, too.

[Batya33]

Honestly much of parenting applies to all relationships and not because a person is acting in an immature way. I agree you’re hovering too much and getting too involved. And unlike parenting - where you’re not going to divorce or take too much space from yourchild (for safety reasons) you have to decide whether his approach tovplankng and decision making works for you long term assuming he will never change. My husband - to me - moves slow as molasses with rare exception and he doesn’t like being on a schedule. I’m the opposite. But we both accommodated to an extent and the difference is I can see the benefits of being and living in a more laid back way. And he’s willing to hurry up at times if I point out that if he doesn’t we’re not going to get to do whatever it was we wanted. But I also am in tune with when he seems to need a bit of space and I restrain myself from asking him something (or I email it so he can respond later). It’s the dance of intimacy. But if your husband isn’t dancing there a concern.

[Rihannon]

Things have come to a strange point and possibly things are worse, since I last posted here.

 

Some more information may be needed. After we'd been together for about three or four years, he was diagnosed with a chronic disease. This was a blow, and it was hard to deal with but over time things got better.

 

Anyway, I think he is feeling depression and it's due in large part to his chronic illness. Crohn's disease, and increasingly frequent migraines (many crohn's patients have migraines). He said to me that he thinks he is ruining my life. He said he knows he is withdrawing and taking out his unhappiness on me. He said he's worried he has unintentionally manipulated me into thinking I need to change. He said he thinks that he won't change, and that I should do what I can to be happy - indicating that won't be with him.

 

I don't know what to do. Maybe I've been waiting for him to change, or change back. I strongly believe that if he had a good doctor, whom he trusted, and could get counseling help, then the illness and migraines wouldn't be so crippling and then he'd have better internal resources to handle other setbacks. I want him to, but he's resistant because in the past, he didn't have good doctors. He had a decent one and then we moved. Now his only healthcare resources are limited. He tried to get counseling help, but the counselor told him he just needed to see a medical doctor. I think that's awful. People with chronic illnesses need mental health support to deal with it.

 

Crohn's makes you sick, weak, tired, anemic, it can be humiliating. I think I haven't quite been there enough for him. I have been insensitive, not thinking about this. When he seemed strong, I took it for granted. I let him withdraw and I didn't pressure him enough with regard to his health. I don't think he's neglecting his physical health but I think he let that first counselor shut him down, and I've enabled him to neglect his mental health.

 

The family thing: Yes, I want a family, I think. It's not like a desperate need. I just, like the idea of family. I could be idealizing it too much. I decided too late in life, at age 37, that having a family was something I wanted. That's my fault. I really don't see how I could have a family now if it's not with him because I still love him, and our lives are tangled up together, and I'm very picky and particular about people. I can't see starting a family with someone I haven't even met yet. It's not going to ruin my life to not have kids, I'm just going through that now-or-never threshold is all. It used to be a possibility; soon it won't be.

 

My take on this is that I need to be stronger for myself, and he needs to get professional help and not withdraw from me and throw negativity at me.

 

I'm going to see a counselor offered through my health insurance.

 

So much advice in this community, with regard to relationships, is to break up, to leave the person, as if only perfect people should be in relationships. I'm prepared to work on myself and that marriage takes work and revision over time. I just don't know what to do. I can't cut myself loose and turn off my feelings and pretend I don't care about him.

[abitbroken]

Things have come to a strange point and possibly things are worse, since I last posted here.

 

Some more information may be needed. After we'd been together for about three or four years, he was diagnosed with a chronic disease. This was a blow, and it was hard to deal with but over time things got better.

 

Anyway, I think he is feeling depression and it's due in large part to his chronic illness. Crohn's disease, and increasingly frequent migraines (many crohn's patients have migraines). He said to me that he thinks he is ruining my life. He said he knows he is withdrawing and taking out his unhappiness on me. He said he's worried he has unintentionally manipulated me into thinking I need to change. He said he thinks that he won't change, and that I should do what I can to be happy - indicating that won't be with him.

 

I don't know what to do. Maybe I've been waiting for him to change, or change back. I strongly believe that if he had a good doctor, whom he trusted, and could get counseling help, then the illness and migraines wouldn't be so crippling and then he'd have better internal resources to handle other setbacks. I want him to, but he's resistant because in the past, he didn't have good doctors. He had a decent one and then we moved. Now his only healthcare resources are limited. He tried to get counseling help, but the counselor told him he just needed to see a medical doctor. I think that's awful. People with chronic illnesses need mental health support to deal with it.

 

Crohn's makes you sick, weak, tired, anemic, it can be humiliating. I think I haven't quite been there enough for him. I have been insensitive, not thinking about this. When he seemed strong, I took it for granted. I let him withdraw and I didn't pressure him enough with regard to his health. I don't think he's neglecting his physical health but I think he let that first counselor shut him down, and I've enabled him to neglect his mental health.

 

The family thing: Yes, I want a family, I think. It's not like a desperate need. I just, like the idea of family. I could be idealizing it too much. I decided too late in life, at age 37, that having a family was something I wanted. That's my fault. I really don't see how I could have a family now if it's not with him because I still love him, and our lives are tangled up together, and I'm very picky and particular about people. I can't see starting a family with someone I haven't even met yet. It's not going to ruin my life to not have kids, I'm just going through that now-or-never threshold is all. It used to be a possibility; soon it won't be.

 

My take on this is that I need to be stronger for myself, and he needs to get professional help and not withdraw from me and throw negativity at me.

 

I'm going to see a counselor offered through my health insurance.

 

So much advice in this community, with regard to relationships, is to break up, to leave the person, as if only perfect people should be in relationships. I'm prepared to work on myself and that marriage takes work and revision over time. I just don't know what to do. I can't cut myself loose and turn off my feelings and pretend I don't care about him.

 

Honestly, the counselor was absolutely correct in their advice: he needs to see a medical doctor. Counseling will not heal his medical issues. Once he is under proper care and he is having emotional issues about the illnesses, then its appropriate to see a counselor -- but its against a counselor's code of ethics to "treat" someone who is coming to them for medical issues. Honestly, if he drops dead and was only seeing a counselor, family could sue thinking the counselor advised him to only seek counseling and not medical care. I knew someone who was a massage therapist who also did other holistic modalities - using different oils, etc.. Someone came to her who was untreated schizophrenic and asked for help with treating it. It was in her best interest to advise that this person go to a specialist such as a psychotherapist or psychiatrist and neurologist instead of putting her safety at risk. If they were under proper treatment and wanted to come for relaxation or a muscular issue- thats a different story.

 

He will get treatment when he hits rock bottom and has no other choice - whether that means in an ambulance or fears that he will lose you or decides he wants to be better badly enough.

 

Interesting --- the problem was that you overmothered this man and now you are saying the problem is you have not paid enough attention to him and basically you are making it your fault. That doesn't sound right.

 

You want kids, but you say that maybe you just idealize a family, etc, i think as your way of downplaying your want since your husband might not be able to go on that journey with you.

 

 

Thr advice isn't always "break up!"

If two people have something they feel is worth saving -- by all means - YES -- counseling, doctors, etc, but if he refuses to go to a doctor, or to seek additional second and third opinions and change his lifestyle - there is nothing you can do to make him. I have a relative with crohn's -- its not awesome - but this person has a better outcome because they watch their diet -- they never eat fried food, butters, oily foods, foods that are too high in fiber and they never drink alcohol.

 

He doesn't seem to want to do anything more about it.

[abitbroken]

People with chronic illnesses need mental health support to deal with it.

 

AFTER they are already under proper medical care.

[Rihannon]

Yes, and he was seeing a medical doctor. But he wanted counseling to deal with the psychological impact of the diagnosis and that's what the counselor told him. Maybe I wasn't clear. He's not neglecting his physical health. He goes to the doctor when he needs to, but not to counseling. He never intended to get counseling in place of medical care. I guess I wasn't clear. And where did you get the idea that he never changed his lifestyle? He watches his diet, he's careful when he needs to be during flare ups etc. He did change his lifestyle. But that doesn't mean it's easy to deal with.

[Batya33]

I'm so sorry he has that debilitating disease.

 

I cannot believe you read any advice to even suggest that only perfect people in perfect relationships should stay the course. Please. I know you don't believe that it just helps you justify your choices.

 

Would you consider freezing your eggs which can be done now (but not so much in a few years) to keep the children option open (obviously you also could adopt).

[helenh]

Your husband gets pleasure from the movement toward the goal, rather than on its achievements. This can not be changed. You can only accept this.