I don't know what I want anymore.

[Butterflyxx]

I feel ever so guilty for even thinking about this, let alone typing it out.

However, I will be turning 20 soon, and the realisation has hit me that soon I will be a complete adult, and in two years I will have finished University.

 

The future scares me because I feel lost and confused.

I first started dating my boyfriend at 16, and over the last few weeks, I have been having second thoughts.

These thoughts do not come easily; it pains me to even think of a life without him. I have been so close to him since I was 13.

I'm worried however that I am outgrowing the relationship. We have been through so much together, but there is so much I need to learn and find out about myself.

 

Before getting into a relationship with him, I was a confused 16-year-old. I did not know who I was, what my sexuality was etc. and then my boyfriend came along and ever since then, my personal growth has been stunted.

 

I love him, and he has changed and grown immensely as a person, and the relationship I was describing and moaning about in 2015 is completely foreign to me now.

I cannot see a life without him.

But, I am scared for my happiness if ever we got even more serious, and began living with one another, or even marriage.

I am no longer in love with him. I love him more than this world would ever know, but things have changed.

 

I really really hate my thoughts. He is such a lovely, patient, caring guy, and in a perfect world, it would be me and him forever.

I want so badly to be with him forever, but I am not sexually attracted to him, I no longer find pleasure in kissing him etc. I know this is completely unfair to him too.

Watching movies and looking at other people's relationships makes me want that 'spark', where you cannot stop thinking about one another/being with one another. Neither I or my boyfriend have experienced that with one another.

 

I feel so lost and confused, guidance would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for reading.

[DanZee]

Well, I think that spark has gone because you yourself wrote that you didn't trust him anymore. You wrote last year that you thought he didn't care anymore. You wrote about the arguments you were having with him. You talked about how he was contacting girls, including his ex, and flirting with them. You accused him of playing video games, watching porn, and spending more time with his buddies than with you. You were thinking of leaving him back then, you did have a break for a while, and said you were prone to have explosive outbursts with him. You accused him of being selfish sexually, having a quickie with you when you had to leave. Two years ago people told you he was a complete jerk in how he was using you and just keeping you around for sex. People told you again and again that you seemed not to be understanding what they were saying to you. And now you say you're confused and looking for guidance?

 

You should have broken up with this guy 2 years ago, maybe longer, but you've ignored all of the advice people have given you here on ENA. I really don't know what I or anybody else can say to you. It's time to go out on your own and find a guy who likes you. You say guys look at you all the time, so you must be attractive. Drop this guy and go out on real dates and find someone who really loves you and not just someone you have an emotional dependency on. There are probably nice guys at school you can date. Go out and experience the world and stop hanging out with your loser of a boyfriend.

[MissCanuck]

What you're feeling is normal when you have outgrown your relationship. I was once where you are now, right around your age. I liked my then-boyfriend as a person, but knew we had run our course and needed to branch out and move on.

 

It's time to end it. I know that's scary when you are so used to him, but it's clear that you don't have the feelings and interest needed to sustain a relationship. You can't yet see a life without him because, well, he's all you really know. Familiarity keeps a lot of people in relationships that have already passed their expiration dates. Be firm but gentle when you do this; chances are he already senses that things are not the same, too. Just please don't suggest going on a break or some such thing - we frequently see dumpees on these threads whose exes conceded to a break when it's obvious that the relationship is already over but they felt bad for hurting their partner.

[Butterflyxx]

Thanks Miss Canuck for the reply.

How long were you in a relationship with that guy before you broke up?

 

I just don’t want to hurt him, and I’m worried I would be making the wrong choice.

[Butterflyxx]

Thank you DanZee for the reply.

The spark has not gone because of any of the reasons you listed. He has changed completely from when he was 17, and I trust him 100%, and I know for a definite fact that he loves me.

 

The change in him is what is making me feel so guilty.

He genuinely loves me. He does everything to make me happy etc. And in all honesty, the tables have turned slightly. I feel like I am taking him for granted because of how nice, loyal and caring he is.

He changed for me, and I feel like I am betraying him for not being in love anymore.

 

I completely understand your view of him though, as for the past few years I have been painting him in a negative light, but since 2016 and our last breakup, he realised what a douche he had been, and changed.

He spends the majority of the week with me, he hardly sees his friends, he has completely outgrown his xbox obsession, my family absolutely adore him.

 

But I do agree that I probably should have broken up with him two years ago. Things would have been less complicated now.

I should have ended it when things were bad.

[Wiseman2]

You were together way too young and way too long and you've stunted each other's growth. He may privately feel the same way and feel relieved by your being honest and setting each other free. Don't string him along because it's easy and comfortable.

[Batya33]

You were together way too young and way too long and you've stunted each other's growth. He may privately feel the same way and feel relieved by your being honest and setting each other free. Don't string him along because it's easy and comfortable.

 

I don't think it has to do with age. My friend is very much in love with her husband. They got married over 30 years ago and met when they were 16. My friend's daughter who I've watched grow up has been with her guy for 7 years, married for 3, very into him and in love and she is 22. My parents met when they were teenagers and were married over 60 years. I think in the OP's case it is more because she got together with him because she was young and confused, not because she was that into him - she felt the spark but the spark came from newness, her age, etc. . I think she admires him less now because she knows he changed "for her" and not from inner strength and confidence.

 

I'd let him go OP but not because you have to "learn about yourself" -that's really abstract and vague and of course you can learn a lot about yourself and be in a serious loving relationship at the same time. If you mean "I want to learn what sparks me in a romantic relationship because this one does not" that's fine. If it's "I want to learn what it's like to kiss other guys" that's fine too.

 

If you have the dream of someone else even if you don't have a specific person in mind it's often time to go (that dream line is from a movie called You've Got Mail).

 

Let him go and let him find someone who thinks he's all that.

[MissCanuck]

Thanks Miss Canuck for the reply.

How long were you in a relationship with that guy before you broke up?

 

I just don’t want to hurt him, and I’m worried I would be making the wrong choice.

 

We were together for 5 years, and lived together for 3 of those. It was a hard decision for me too, and I felt awful for hurting him. But I knew that ultimately, he would find greater happiness with someone who returned his feelings. There's really no way to get around hurting someone who doesn't want to break up, but the best bet is to do with kindness. I made some mistakes in the way I went about it, but I never regretted my choice. We would never have worked long-term.

 

It's been maybe 16 or 17 years since then, and we've both long since moved on. We are from a small town and I randomly heard through the grapevine that he's now been married for a few years and has children. (He and I haven't had any contact at all since about 6 months after the break-up) My point in sharing that is that your ex will move on too, and probably you will both be happier with other people.

[jenjohn88]

You can't control love. If you fell out, you fell out. You guys are just babies. You BOTH are going to be changing soo much in the coming years, and evolving never truly stops as a human. I'm not the same person I was 3 years ago and I'm in my 20's. If you feel you need to break up, then do it. Don't lead the dude on. You both have lots of experiences to live separately. who knows, maybe 15 years down the road you'll bump into each other and it'll be right. Or, you both will end up with completely different people. He will be fine and so will you. Just don't say its for another dude. That'll destroy him.

[Batya33]

You can't control love. If you fell out, you fell out. You guys are just babies. You BOTH are going to be changing soo much in the coming years, and evolving never truly stops as a human. I'm not the same person I was 3 years ago and I'm in my 20's. If you feel you need to break up, then do it. Don't lead the dude on. You both have lots of experiences to live separately. who knows, maybe 15 years down the road you'll bump into each other and it'll be right. Or, you both will end up with completely different people. He will be fine and so will you. Just don't say its for another dude. That'll destroy him.

 

I think people can control how they react to feeling out of love. One alternative of many is to leave the relationship. Others, who feel "out of love" take actions to try to reignite the spark, or do loving things despite not "feeling it" etc. I don't think the "well I can't control how I feel and i don't feel love right now" is a reason to necessarily end the relationship.