I'll be seeing her in 2 weeks...

[baradam]

Hi guys.... need a bit of advice.

 

So I met a girl around 2 years ago (when I was with someone else, and she was with someone else). At this point we hadn't told each other we liked each other, and to be fair, we didn't really know each other at that point. We broke up with our respective partners (not for each other), and happened to go on a date a month or so later.

 

Fast forward 2 years, and we've split up after a rough 4-6 weeks of external stresses taking their toll. It's a real shame because we were an excellent couple in the most part - and I'm particularly gutted because I feel like I've lost my best mate. We split around 4-5 weeks ago now, and I'm 23 days in to 'no contact' (which I initiated). I've done break ups before with girls I've been very much in to, but this is different. Something is telling me it isn't over.

 

Post break up, we argued a little for a week, then both calmed down, and I ended up going around to hers unanncounced (I know, bad idea for most people); but it was actually a really nice evening and we acted like we previously had done as a couple, kissing etc, she told me she really missed me and so on... Naturally I was really happy, and the next day I contacted her via text seeing if we maybe could go out for a drink, and she completely just shot me down and said no. So since then I stopped contact completely and have gone off social media etc. I have no idea what she's doing, and she has no idea what I'm doing.

 

The thing is, I will be seeing her in 2 weeks time at an event (she will definitely be there and I have to be there) and I don't know how to play it. I've made quite a few changes to myself over the last month. I've taken up a few hobbies I had talked about for a long time but never got round to, I've cut down on my work (which was a massive issue), and I've received support on a few issues I was dealing with privately (which she never knew about, but I feel in hindsight was the reason I was acting the way I was).

 

As I said, there's something different about this break up, and my biggest regret is that she split up with a guy that I don't feel was the real me.

[MissCanuck]

I don't think there's much you really need to do but be civil if you happen to cross paths at this event. Say hello and keep moving.

[baradam]

I don't think there's much you really need to do but be civil if you happen to cross paths at this event. Say hello and keep moving.

 

Not going to be quite as easy as 'keep moving' haha. We're most likely going to be sat on the same table...

[MissCanuck]

Not going to be quite as easy as 'keep moving' haha. We're most likely going to be sat on the same table...

 

What I meant is that you don't need to engage in conversation with her. A cordial greeting is fine, but anything more than that is unnecessary.

[ZHPpilot1]

Dude just give her a hug ask her how's she's doing and move on. You don't want to come off as desperate or needy.

[Wiseman2]

Are you hoping to get her back?

I will be seeing her in 2 weeks time at an event . I've made quite a few changes to myself over the last month. I've taken up a few hobbies I had talked about for a long time but never got round to, I've cut down on my work and I've received support on a few issues I was dealing with privately

[baradam]

Are you hoping to get her back?

 

That's my hope, yes.

 

However, I wanted to spend a little time on myself and sort a few things out first. I felt that what we had was in the most part awesome, but there were some problems. Those problems were, again in the most part, my problems. I feel I'm not too far away from being the chap she fell in love with again, and so I don't want to rush into anything and spoil it. Without wanting to sound like I'm playing a game, at this event I wanted to 'lay the foundations' for a potential reconciliation in the [near] future if that makes sense?

 

My thoughts are to be laid back, polite and smiley. I wont go overboard if she approaches, just be pleasant and make her laugh. If she doesn't approach me, I wont create some ridiculous plan to 'bump' in to her.

[ZHPpilot1]

That's my hope, yes.

 

However, I wanted to spend a little time on myself and sort a few things out first. I felt that what we had was in the most part awesome, but there were some problems. Those problems were, again in the most part, my problems. I feel I'm not too far away from being the chap she fell in love with again, and so I don't want to rush into anything and spoil it. Without wanting to sound like I'm playing a game, at this event I wanted to 'lay the foundations' for a potential reconciliation in the [near] future if that makes sense?

 

My thoughts are to be laid back, polite and smiley. I wont go overboard if she approaches, just be pleasant and make her laugh. If she doesn't approach me, I wont create some ridiculous plan to 'bump' in to her.

 

Yeah if you don't fix what caused the break you're going nowhere. Spend time fixing yourself and things should sort out. I'm in the same boat too however I realized I don't want my ex back, but I'm still making major self improvements for the next one.

[baradam]

Yeah if you don't fix what caused the break you're going nowhere. Spend time fixing yourself and things should sort out. I'm in the same boat too however I realized I don't want my ex back, but I'm still making major self improvements for the next one.

 

Absolutely. 100% agree. I feel I'm pretty much there now though. It was just an awful time and I didn't deal with it well. Spoken to the right people and feel like a new bloke.

 

I just don't quite know how to play it on the night. I do want her back. But I know her. Very well. And I know even if she was dying to talk to me, she probably wont.

[MissCanuck]

Absolutely. 100% agree. I feel I'm pretty much there now though. It was just an awful time and I didn't deal with it well. Spoken to the right people and feel like a new bloke.

 

I just don't quite know how to play it on the night. I do want her back. But I know her. Very well. And I know even if she was dying to talk to me, she probably wont.

 

Why would you want to be with someone who refuses to acknowledge and communicate her real feelings?

[baradam]

Why would you want to be with someone who refuses to acknowledge and communicate her real feelings?

 

Because we're not all expert communicators?

 

She has many, many absolutely wonderful things about her. Like everyone, however, she isn't great at some things..

[MissCanuck]

Because we're not all expert communicators?

 

She has many, many absolutely wonderful things about her. Like everyone, however, she isn't great at some things..

 

It doesn't take an expert to be honest about one's feelings, in my experience.

 

If someone is fighting that hard against their own true desire to talk to you, you're going to have an uphill battle to try work things out. Just something to think about.

[SGH]

A month isn't a long time to make changes. I know you want to believe that the relationship can be different overnight, but that's not generally how it works. You didn't highlight what the problems between the two of you were, which tells me you are downplaying them. You are also making excuses for your behavior in the relationship when you refer to the "issues" you were dealing with privately. I'm not dismissing that it was likely a difficult time for both of you, but strong couples handle issues together instead of hiding information from one another and neglecting the relationship.

 

You also have to keep in mind that you showed up to her house unannounced before the nice night happened. If you had called her and suggested that you have an evening like the one you had, she likely would have turned that down as well. Respect her boundaries and give her the space she is clearly asking for. When you see her or interact with her at the event, obviously be kind, but don't have too much expectation that it will change the current trajectory. Just because you are downplaying the issues in the relationship doesn't mean she is.

[baradam]

A month isn't a long time to make changes. I know you want to believe that the relationship can be different overnight, but that's not generally how it works. You didn't highlight what the problems between the two of you were, which tells me you are downplaying them. You are also making excuses for your behavior in the relationship when you refer to the "issues" you were dealing with privately. I'm not dismissing that it was likely a difficult time for both of you, but strong couples handle issues together instead of hiding information from one another and neglecting the relationship.

 

You also have to keep in mind that you showed up to her house unannounced before the nice night happened. If you had called her and suggested that you have an evening like the one you had, she likely would have turned that down as well. Respect her boundaries and give her the space she is clearly asking for. When you see her or interact with her at the event, obviously be kind, but don't have too much expectation that it will change the current trajectory. Just because you are downplaying the issues in the relationship doesn't mean she is.

 

Thanks for your input.

 

Regarding the give her space comment, I haven't been in contact since the day after that night (which is very nearly the supposedly 'gold standard' 30 days).

 

And I appreciate what you're saying re: a month isn't a long time to make changes. I haven't suddenly changed overnight, and I don't suspect this would at all alter her feelings toward me, but I have put in to motion many things that were causing problems, and resolved several already. And even if it doesn't result in us getting back together, I feel better and happier for it (because they were having a negative impact on me too).

 

I honestly feel the best I've felt in a long time (minus missing her immensely). I feel in a much better head space. I feel motivated and full of energy. Looking back 3-4 months, I can't actually believe how much I was drinking to cope with the stresses. I don't think I had/have a problem, it just became a habit after a day at work that I'd sit down, sometimes on my own at home, and have 4-5 pints of lager. I've put a stop to the lone-drinking, and only have a few with my friends at the weekends now. This past month I've swapped those drinking sessions with new sports I've wanted to try for ages and I feel awesome for it. In fact, in the last 6 weeks I've probably drank less in total than I did in a couple of days back then.

 

Ultimately, I learnt a lot from this relationship, and while I do want her back and feel it would be different, if not, then I will take what I learned in to the new relationship.

[baradam]

HELP.

 

So, the night happened.

 

I got there, didn't see her anywhere. Just got on with the night. Anyway, seems like she'd been there all along... She approached me and started chatting. I was just polite etc.

 

I've left.

 

She's just text me saying "Nice to see you x"

 

What do I do?

[baradam]

Okay...so this is what happened.

 

Please keep in mind that as of yesterday we'd been 34 days no contact (I had to work this out...didn't know it off the top of my head haha).

 

Can I also say that the no contact really really helped me. While I did and do miss her, I realised I don't need her to make me happy. And every day that has passed things have got a little better.

 

Anyway, I digress. I ended up leaving relatively early. I didn't really want to go in the first place and merely showed up to show my face. However, when I was there I did see a few people I knew and had a great laugh with them. I also noticed in the corner of my eye her looking over a few times when I was with the aforementioned people.

 

These were the texts around 15 minutes after I left.

 

Her: "Nice to see you"

(left it around 30 minutes before replying)

Me: "You too. Solid dress choice" (she was wearing a dress I'd bought her a few months ago)

Her: "It's nothing new hahah" (didn't really know what she meant by this)?

Me: "It was always very complimentary"

Her: "Thank you, how come you left?"

Me: "Somewhere else to be"

Her: "Good" (again, no idea what this meant?)

(again, left it around 30 minutes)

Me: "Have a great night [insert name]"

Her: "You too wherever you are hahaa"

 

I left it at that and didn't respond. And I think I'm going to leave it at that for now. While the 30-odd days no contact has helped, I still felt that I could easily be hurt by her. So unless she reaches out again, I wont initiate contact.

 

Thoughts?

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you handled it well. Since no contact has helped you, it's a good idea to return to that. However in addition to no contact now is the time to delete and block her because all this confirmed that it's over, you have closure and now can proceed to move forward.

I left it at that and didn't respond. And I think I'm going to leave it at that for now. While the 30-odd days no contact has helped, I still felt that I could easily be hurt by her. So unless she reaches out again, I wont initiate contact.

[baradam]

I'm a bit confused wiseman?

 

I have taken it the complete opposite way. I've been in many break up situations and I'm now very good at taking a step back and applying an objective view. I know when to walk away because it's fizzled out and I know when there is a chance.

 

In this situation I feel it most definitely isn't over as long as I don't mess it up. I don't anticipate it's a short term thing that is going to happen overnight. But I feel in the future there is a chance we can reconcile.

 

I've bumped into recent ex's in the past and I've never had even the slightest urge to contact them after. Why would she contact me after if there wasn't at least something there? We had a pleasant but short catch up. She continuously looked over at me. She knew I'd be there but wore the dress I bought her just over 2 months ago. She has recently been liking photos on Instagram of my brother's nieces (she never previously did this).

 

For now I'm going to reply when/if she initiates.

[Wiseman2]

It seems she treated you as a mere acquaintance at this event, even though you tried hooks and innuendos in the text exchange which she obviously sidestepped. Whether there is or isn't a chance, being at her beck and call if she contacts you won't help with reconciliation.

Me: "You too. Solid dress choice" (she was wearing a dress I'd bought her a few months ago)

Her: "It's nothing new hahah" (didn't really know what she meant by this)?

Me: "It was always very complimentary"

Her: "Thank you, how come you left?"

Me: "Somewhere else to be"

[baradam]

It seems she treated you as a mere acquaintance at this event, even though you tried hooks and innuendos in the text exchange which she obviously sidestepped. Whether there is or isn't a chance, being at her beck and call if she contacts you won't help with reconciliation.

 

I get what you're saying - and I recognise that from someone who doesn't know her, doesn't know us and doesn't fully know the situation, it may not look great. But for me that last night was massive.

 

I'm not getting my hopes up. I'm trying to downplay it all. However, if she does text again in the near future, I'm considering that as a branch and I will go from there.

 

I wont be deleting her number. But I definitely will not be contacting her first either.

[baradam]

Okay, after I hadn't text her back on the Friday, I got another text on Saturday evening saying "Have I just seen you in [insert city]?".

 

I didn't have my phone on me at the time, but replied a few hours later saying "No, I'm in [insert another city]".

 

She replied instantly saying "ahh cool, what are you doing there?"

 

I got back to her "[name of sporting event]"

 

She replied "Oh right, I'm watching it in [insert city name]. Have fun! Was really nice to see you the other night, maybe we can catch up soon?"

 

 

I said "that would be nice" and left it at that for the night.

 

I guess I'm leaving it open for her to approach me with an actual specific date/time.

[baradam]

UPDATE:

 

She contacted me a couple of days later asking to meet up.

 

We met yesterday. We had lunch then she asked if I'd like to go for coffee. We did that. She asked if I'd like to go for a walk. On 3 occasions I asked if she'd like me to take her home (I'd picked her up) and she said "no, not yet, I want to stay here". We ended up staying out together for 4 hours. She told me how excited she was to see me, and that she was nervous. She told me that every day she sees something that she wants to text me about, or when she needs advice she wants to contact me but felt like she couldn't. She even began crying at one point. She talked about how excited she was previously about the summer we were going to have together. She also, quite interestingly, said that she didn't feel she'd processed the break up until this week as she'd been so busy with work - she had been working 14 hours days every day for the last 6 weeks (I know this to be true, because I did the same role as her not too long ago). She also got quite upset when we discussed that the next time we'd see each other wouldn't be until October.

 

I figured that today would tell me one of two things. Either I still have a chance, or it's over and it was closure. After I did finally drop her off I got a text a couple of hours later saying "it was really nice to see you today". I sent back "good to see you too". She then replied "we should do it again".

 

For me this was confirmation that something was still there. The way she'd behaved when I was with her during lunch, coffee and the walk told me that, but I wanted further confirmation - and I thought I had it. I knew that we wouldn't instantly get back together, but I wanted some hint that there were still feelings there.

 

I played it cool and just said "yeah cool, when were you thinking?".

 

She replied a jokey text saying "6 months? [and that crying laughter face]".

 

I replied "I was thinking 5, but 6 will work".

 

She then responded "It was really nice being with you today. I hope we can still carry on seeing each other and be kind of normal".

 

I responded "I will be completely honest. I don't think we can continue seeing each other and hanging out as just friends"

 

She replied " :/ so you don't want to see me again? "

 

I said "I do, but I don't understand how we can be just friends?"

 

She said "I'd rather that than not have you in my life"

 

This is when I got really confused. EVERYTHING about today led me to believe there was something still there and we were on a good path to reconciliation. It's only 7 weeks since we split. How can she think we can start being friends and hanging out?

[baradam]

May I add to that she's been increasing the amount of contact too.

 

Dropping texts in the morning like "what are you up to today? x'"

 

This for me isn't normal for a break-up unless they're feeling that there is a chance of starting things up again?

[boltnrun]

She thinks you're cool with being "friends". And since you're acting like you are, I can see why she thinks that.

 

She clearly said she wants you in her life as a friend. If that's not what you want, then you have to stick to it when you tell her that being friends doesn't work for you.

 

If you say that but then keep communicating with her, you come across as flaky and not meaning what you say, plus you look like a pushover who leaps when she says "leap". Do you think those traits are ones that will attract her back to you??

[Doosha]

daaaaaaaaamn I was so happy reading how the situation was progressing, and then that last message...

Honestly, I don't know you or her, or your story, but I think there is something here... And you initiated the "getting back together" convo too soon.

Just keep doing what you were doing, but slow it down even more. You don't have to respond to EVERY message she sends and you don't need to see her that much.

take it reaaally, really slow.

 

If you go completely NC on her now (blocking, ignoring, etc.) you can say good bye to her.

Pull away. Don't text her first. Don't compliment her. Don't invite her to spend time with you and don't accept it either. Say you would love to, but you are too busy with work or whatever.

 

If you play this smart, there is a chance for reconciliation.

Something in her messages tells me that... but you need patience.