Getting her back: should you ever contact the dumper

[cedricz]

Did you reply to her "?"

 

I assume not. That was your chance at contact. So why did you not reply? I think you should leave her alone,

because A) you already tried, and she was still angry, and B) your issue that caused the breakup is very likely to happen again, and end in another breakup.

 

 

 

 

I didn't respond because there was nothing to respond; it wasn’t an opportunity. It wasn't my nor her intention to communicate, and she probably felt compelled to react to my call even though she has no desire to talk to me. I didn't want to make it look like it was a needy ploy to reach her, because it really was an accident, so i abstained. My original plan was to eventually reach her 3 or 4 months later given how things ended. It has only barely been 2 months since our last meeting

 

A) i agree, she actually became angry at me because i acted needy and clingy. The more i tried to change her mind the more she became mean and resentful. But at the beginning she wasn’t so mad at me actually. Things started to heat up when i told her i would fly to nyc from the city where i work to see her and work thing out. She told me not to, but i I took one month off and flew there regardless. I ended up seeing her only 3 short times in 30 days, even though she didn’t work back then. A disaster

 

B) I don’t think so; my business problems are gone now and i’ve taken huge amount of time reflecting on the issues, learning relationship and communication skills, and generally putting myself in learning mode.

[cedricz]

That's a big thing to be off about. Surviving and committing should go hand in hand. She should know and care about how much you were struggling. I know a few people who don't care about the logistics of getting married yet strive to get married. They are usually living in a big bubble and of course it bursts, because that's what bubbles do.

 

Personally an ideal marriage means that we both care about how to survive, meaning we talk about it and contribute in any way we can. We're sharing our lives with all the ups and downs. If you are the type of person that wants to guarantee your future wife a nice life without her being worried, I can't argue even if I don't agree, if it makes you happy go for it,but you have to find one that agrees with that sort of arrangement. Sure, this one wanted a long term commitment, but how did she perceive it? Did you ever talk about that? Why was she pushing so hard for a commitment?

 

It is very hard to have good self esteem as a man and believe in the future when your business is struggling. Society puts a lot of pressure on men(and women of course). We need to be successful, be providers, show no emotional weakness, be strong. all the time.

I felt ashamed of my situation and so depressed. Lost 20lbs through the winter. Waking up every morning with fear and no idea how things will turn out the next day

 

Then she was hammering me about commitment and spending more time together every day, which makes totally sense of course, but when my mind was only focused on work and surviving all this seemed frivolous and superficial. It is really hard to think straight in these moments. And i had to fly back and forth because i had to work abroad at this time

I was exhausted and i ended up giving up

[cedricz]

Honestly, that would tick me off. See a call, hang up, no msg. If I replied with "?" That would be me asking what you wanted. What are you reading that you are getting these time frames from? All those "Get Your Ex Back" "Text Your Ex Back" "NC To Win Your Ex Back" things are bs. Bottom line, they need to forgive, forget, get over anger, and want to be in communication and rekindle things. Time and distance do work for that. Leave it be, if she misses you with NC, she will reach out.

 

 

i also thought afterward she may be upset about that; but that wasn't much of an effort from her anyway to find out what's going on

If she really cared she would have called. But she didn't; maybe bad thinking. I shoud maybe have sent "sorry, didn't mean to call you. Hope you're well" and that's it

But well, that was 10 days ago now

 

 

aha this is not from an "ex back" manual:)

 

this 4 months time frame was set by me. It is totally arbitrary and doesn't mean anything. It was just meant to be a goal to avoid contacting her. I thought that if i still do care after 4 months that would mean something and deserve an effort to see where she stands. My intent last time we met wasn't even to get her back anymore but just to leave in good terms, simply leaving the door open and say bye without irrational and ugly feelings. I failed to achieve this as i was in an anxious state and she was almost hysterical. I left really saddenned back to work after one month of painful attempts at communicating with her

 

But yeah you're right; there is probably no benefit reaching her ever

[cedricz]

I had a couple of ex bf's bombard me, and it was very upsetting. It did push me further away, if ever there was a slight chance at reconciliation, they definitely destroyed it with their behavior. It came across as obsessive, stalkerish, and desperate. You can't undo what's been done, but you can keep quiet and let the bad memories fade out.

 

I understand wanting things to be on good terms, even if it's over forever. Everyone tells me don't reply to my ex when he contacts me, but every time I do. I don't want bad feelings. I can tell him to stop, and he probably will, heck he will probably just stop one day without me telling him too, lol but the "feel goods" are there, and that brings me peace with the situation, though there's times it can hurt (but it's much less now) because of the very deep emotional attachment I had to him. I hope no matter what, you can make peace with it, no one wants to carry the burden on them of things ending badly, because too much self blaming starts and it's not healthy while trying to heal. Just fully realize that day may never come, and you'll have to accept the fact that you need to bring all your own closure on the past.

 

 

This is also what is think; a bad breakup is terrible and will leave a scar even 10 years later. I'm still upset at one girl who never gave me closure and ignored me 10 years ago

This is not an acceptable behavior toward someone who shared everything with you for 3 years. You need to discuss and try to end things peacefully.

Don't ignore your ex. Be kind, patient and compassionate.

 

I've never done that to any girl i've ever let go. I always said that i'll be here for them whatever happens and that they can reach or meet me whenever they want if they need to talk

It doesn't mean we necessarily stay friends and in contact forever but at least i don't put a wall between us and always agree to talk and meetup

 

I don't have the heart to be that selfish and cannot even think about ghosting someone i used to love

 

The thing is that if i'd see that the person isn't moving on and is still trying hard, i certainly wouldn't block her, but i'd rather tell her that we need for her own sake to stop talking for say 30 or 60 days and agree with her on that. That's better than saying bye forever and she knows you will talk again later

[cedricz]

Sometimes ghosting is necessary when it's just too upsetting to deal with the constant emotions.

 

You should always be courageous. Never hide. The dumpee is usually suffering much more because of rejection. I don't think you being too emotional to meetup or talk is a valid reason to ghost a guy

 

I understand when women respond more aggressively of coldly than i would do myself as a man. I guess as a woman you have to deal with more aggressive and extreme behaviors from guys; you could even sometime feel physically threatened. But generally, ignoring is a bad way to go. It makes people acting irrational and stalkerish

 

 

forgiving yourself is the most difficult part; you can let someone go but you can't let your guilt go anywhere

[Blank State]

you can see me as a narcissist or maybe someone who got dumped by an uncaring girlfriend at the worst time in his life; i didn't behave accordingly but if your business was failing and you were crumbling under debts, that your girlfriend wouldn't ask you any question in that regard, i'd like to see how you would handle your relationship. No one is superman

 

I put the blame on myself because i feel that as a man i should have handled everything well, but give me a break, i don't know so many people who could keep their ideas and feelings clear in such time.

 

I didn't wait "conveniently"; i worked my ass off all through winter to get me out of trouble and be able to clear my debts; when my situation went back under control, i found more time to think and contacted her to apologize

 

I don't brag about hanging out with other girls; we have been broken up for now 5/6 months, i think i am in my right to move on and look for someone else. She jumped into a new relationship just right after we broke up. The guy was already lined up

She doesn't sound nice. She humiliated you, she wasn't supportive when you needed her when your business was going badly, why on earth do you want this person back?

 

Don't do it. All you're going to do is set yourself up for disappointment. It'll get better, but you're just heartbroken and lonely, but leave it alone imo. And she had a guy lined up. It is extremely likely she was seeing him when she was still seeing you. Continue No Contact. It'll get easier.

[Blank State]

This is also what is think; a bad breakup is terrible and will leave a scar even 10 years later. I'm still upset at one girl who never gave me closure and ignored me 10 years ago

This is not an acceptable behavior toward someone who shared everything with you for 3 years. You need to discuss and try to end things peacefully.

Don't ignore your ex. Be kind, patient and compassionate.

 

I've never done that to any girl i've ever let go. I always said that i'll be here for them whatever happens and that they can reach or meet me whenever they want if they need to talk

It doesn't mean we necessarily stay friends and in contact forever but at least i don't put a wall between us and always agree to talk and meetup

 

I don't have the heart to be that selfish and cannot even think about ghosting someone i used to love

 

The thing is that if i'd see that the person isn't moving on and is still trying hard, i certainly wouldn't block her, but i'd rather tell her that we need for her own sake to stop talking for say 30 or 60 days and agree with her on that. That's better than saying bye forever and she knows you will talk again later

The "Closure" thing is just clinging on. Closure is the end of a relationship. Someone shouldn't have to be put into the awkward position of stating the obvious. They fell out of love with someone. That's the common denominator. Things don't need to end peacefully because some relationships aren't peaceful.

I mean think about it this way. You say this "I always said that i'll be here for them whatever happens and that they can reach or meet me whenever they want if they need to talk". What if someone doesn't want to do that? What if someone really ended up resenting you or not liking you and doesn't want to be there for you. Your ex sounds like a jerk, but just because someone never wants to see someone again, or explain that they don't want to doesn't make them a bad person. I dated a girl who really did some bad stuff to me and I split in the middle of the night and never said another word to her because it would have been useless. And the way she was with me made me not want anything more to do with her.

 

That isn't being selfish. Not to sound condescending but expecting anything from anyone that they don't necessarily want to give is kind of selfish. That's for you. Not her.

[cedricz]

The "Closure" thing is just clinging on. Closure is the end of a relationship. Someone shouldn't have to be put into the awkward position of stating the obvious. They fell out of love with someone. That's the common denominator. Things don't need to end peacefully because some relationships aren't peaceful.

I mean think about it this way. You say this "I always said that i'll be here for them whatever happens and that they can reach or meet me whenever they want if they need to talk". What if someone doesn't want to do that? What if someone really ended up resenting you or not liking you and doesn't want to be there for you. Your ex sounds like a jerk, but just because someone never wants to see someone again, or explain that they don't want to doesn't make them a bad person. I dated a girl who really did some bad stuff to me and I split in the middle of the night and never said another word to her because it would have been useless. And the way she was with me made me not want anything more to do with her.

 

That isn't being selfish. Not to sound condescending but expecting anything from anyone that they don't necessarily want to give is kind of selfish. That's for you. Not her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I do not really complain; i think we got the discussions we needed more or less. It just got ugly in the end because i asked her to meetup before i leave and she obviously didn't want to and was furious about having to show up

 

I totally understand when things go wrong and that people get angry at each other. It becomes difficult to behave in responsible ways, but if the relationship is just exhausted , that you ran out of love, lost attraction or just another "soft" motive, there is no reason to vanish and ghost your partner

 

Honestly, i even got cheated on, and i was the one willing to end up things peacefully even though i hated her for that, and she bailed on me and ghosted me

I think people should take it is easy and forgive. People do irrational and stupid things all the time, but yet they are not necessarily bad people. They just make poor decisions and act cowardly. That’s what i see most of the time.

 

I've done bad things myself; now, does it mean i am a fundamentally bad person?

My ex treated like garbage and walked all over me even though i flew 10000km to sort things out after a major depression and financial problems, apologized, wrote letters, stayed 1 month trying to do my best to talk to her, but yet i can’t hate her for that; she got very disappointed and hurt before and she revenged on me.

I acted clingy and needy and she felt smothered; her reaction was predictable somehow.

 

The bottom line is that hating people doesn’t serve you. In your own selfish interest it is often better to leave in good terms even with the people who hurt you the most.

It doesn’t mean you have to forgive them, but at least talk about it and say ok, bye like adults without drama. You don’t want to keep ugly breakup memories.

By doing so, you feel good about yourself and you prove that your are better than them

[MissCanuck]

Don't contact her again, OP.

 

My guess is that she is still with her new boyfriend and didn't want to risk you running interference, so she waited two days to respond to your accidental call. She would have replied more quickly if she genuinely wanted to talk to you.

 

Many relationships don't end neatly and with fuzzy feelings. It's not fun, but it's life. You have to make your own peace with this.

[cedricz]

Don't contact her again, OP.

 

My guess is that she is still with her new boyfriend and didn't want to risk you running interference, so she waited two days to respond to your accidental call. She would have replied more quickly if she genuinely wanted to talk to you.

 

Many relationships don't end neatly and with fuzzy feelings. It's not fun, but it's life. You have to make your own peace with this.

 

 

This is why i didn't bother texting her; it is pointless; it's only been 1 month and 3 weeks since we argued and parted ways; she is for sure still with her new bf and resentment is still running high. It needs more time before we can talk without turning into irrational emotional messes

I wouldn't be surprised if she reaches out sometime this year though, if her relationship fails; but i may have moved on by then

[Cope]

It is very hard to have good self esteem as a man and believe in the future when your business is struggling. Society puts a lot of pressure on men(and women of course). We need to be successful, be providers, show no emotional weakness, be strong. all the time.

I felt ashamed of my situation and so depressed. Lost 20lbs through the winter. Waking up every morning with fear and no idea how things will turn out the next day

 

Then she was hammering me about commitment and spending more time together every day, which makes totally sense of course, but when my mind was only focused on work and surviving all this seemed frivolous and superficial. It is really hard to think straight in these moments. And i had to fly back and forth because i had to work abroad at this time

I was exhausted and i ended up giving up

 

Oh yeah, society needs men to be people with superpowers, it's disgusting. It's ok to feel overwhelmed, it's ok not being able to provide and it's perfectly fine to show emotional weakness or be weak in general. You're human. Anything less than feeling those things is unnatural. I would suggest therapy to work on those, as you saw, first hand, it causes depression,anxiety and both can lead to physical illness too.

 

As for her, yeah, she doesn't seem very understanding to say the least. You also mentioned that she cheated on you or was that another ex? If so, I would never go back. It's like giving her a green light to stray whenever you run into difficulties. Of course you couldn't think straight. You were working too hard, not sharing your stress with anyone and the closest person to you at the time was asking for things you couldn't offer even when she knew that. No one can handle all that and live to tell a happy ending story, don't be too harsh on yourself. You seem like a smart and thoughtful person, but you may be trying to please everyone. Look after yourself for once, you can't keep everyone happy.

[cedricz]

Oh yeah, society needs men to be people with superpowers, it's disgusting. It's ok to feel overwhelmed, it's ok not being able to provide and it's perfectly fine to show emotional weakness or be weak in general. You're human. Anything less than feeling those things is unnatural. I would suggest therapy to work on those, as you saw, first hand, it causes depression,anxiety and both can lead to physical illness too.

 

As for her, yeah, she doesn't seem very understanding to say the least. You also mentioned that she cheated on you or was that another ex? If so, I would never go back. It's like giving her a green light to stray whenever you run into difficulties. Of course you couldn't think straight. You were working too hard, not sharing your stress with anyone and the closest person to you at the time was asking for things you couldn't offer even when she knew that. No one can handle all that and live to tell a happy ending story, don't be too harsh on yourself. You seem like a smart and thoughtful person, but you may be trying to please everyone. Look after yourself for once, you can't keep everyone happy.

 

oh no she didn't cheat on me; at least i hope so; you never know uh

 

That was another girl 10 years ago.

This would be a deal breaker for me. You can eventually forgive these things but never forget. You may try as hard as you want, but once trust is broken in a relationship it will be hard or almost impossible to make it work. Plus, cheaters always cheat

 

She wasn't really understanding indeed, but i don't blame her; the relationship was quite bumpy at that time and i was a pain in the a** to deal with

[cedricz]

Honestly, that would tick me off. See a call, hang up, no msg. If I replied with "?" That would be me asking what you wanted. What are you reading that you are getting these time frames from? All those "Get Your Ex Back" "Text Your Ex Back" "NC To Win Your Ex Back" things are bs. Bottom line, they need to forgive, forget, get over anger, and want to be in communication and rekindle things. Time and distance do work for that. Leave it be, if she misses you with NC, she will reach out.

 

 

I'm starting to wonder if i didn't screw up again with this. I should have sent something after that accidental call because it looks weak like i'm still too upset to even answer or explain why i left a missed call. As a result she will very likely mirror this behavior if i ever text her like she did. Bad way to go when you try to let things cool down and eventually rekindle

 

It's already been 2 weeks since she sent me that question mark text

 

I saw that she connected an unusual amount of times after that maybe to check if i ever answered; she normally barely uses whatsapp

 

These phones really make us crazy

[cedricz]

I guessed so. It sucks..

 

even the most insignificant thing turns into huge things in these times

 

When you send a text and it remains unanswered, it makes you feel dumb and in a position of weakness / rejection

 

Even though she was the dumper, or more exactly the rejector (since we broke up on some kind of a mutual agreeement but i later came back begging)

[ShaniaP334]

It depends, some dumpers have a lot of “pride” while wanting to get back with you they don’t want to admit they made a mistake and don’t want to be the one who throws the first crumb out

[ZHPpilot1]

 

My two cents is, stop hanging out with other girls and focus on yourself (Strict NC goes without saying). One may think that dating others is the fastest way out but it only prolongs your healing; and is unfair to the others.

 

Well said.