after 4 years, i miss my wife

[lakeoffire]

Hi, everyone. I met the love of my life on September 22nd, 2006. I loved her from the first minute i knew her.I was 38 and she was 20. From that day on, we never left each others side. It was perfect in every way. within 2 months, she was pregnant with our first child.we were as close as two people could be. In 2008, we conceived our second daughter, and I asked her to marry me. we went through the classes so we could get married in the catholic church. after that, our second daughter was born. she went to college to be a medical professional, and i stayed home with the kids. everything was still perfect. life went on in a wonderful way, until 2014. by that point, we both were working, we had bought a new home, and new car. financially, life was hard. there was a lot of pressure from work on both of us. the place she worked started prescribing her a lot of medication. ativan, adipex, chantix, and paxil. the combination of these changed her personality. on july 20th, 2014, we had a huge fight. we were both partially to blame. the police showed up and said that we had to separate, so she went back to her dads house. from that point on, her dad ran interference between us. i dont know why, because i always got along with her family. she had to sneak around to talk to me, or for me to talk to my kids. the next thing i knew, she was being kicked out of her dads house, and moving in with this guy. she told me she didnt want to, but had no where else to go.

after that, she had to sneak around to talk to me behind his back. she told me that it was all temporary, and we would be back together, soon. so, years went by, she is still livng with him. she still sneaks around and calls me. she says she dosnt love him. ssometimes she calls in the middle of the night, and we talk for hours at a time. we cry, together. she says she loves me. for a few hours, its just like we used to be. at other times, she seems to hate me, and denies that she ever talked to me. she is the only woman i will ever love, and i just want my family back. its been almost 4 years , now. HELP?

[Clio]

the police showed up and said that we had to separate

 

so, years went by, she is still livng with him. she still sneaks around and calls me. she says she dosnt love him. ssometimes she calls in the middle of the night, and we talk for hours at a time. we cry, together. she says she loves me. for a few hours, its just like we used to be. at other times, she seems to hate me, and denies that she ever talked to me. she is the only woman i will ever love, and i just want my family back. its been almost 4 years , now. HELP?

 

It sounds like you are stuck. Seeking individual counseling might help you get out of this dysfunctional cycle. In my opinion, not having left for almost 4 years indicates that she is not going to. If it got to the point where police was involved, this was a very unhealthy relationship. Plus, she was only 20 when you two got together and had her first child, which sounds like too much happened to her too fast and she was too young to be able to cope. It sounds like she is unhappy with her life and not in a good place to be a good partner to anyone. She sees you as a source of emotional support at times but it doesn't sound like she is in a good head-space to have a healthy relationship with anyone. Chances are that she would need to learn to stand in her own two feet before she can be a functional partner to anyone, which is unlikely to happen as long as you continue the same dysfunctional dance. You cannot fix her. You can only try to heal yourself. Good luck.

[DanZee]

There's got to be more to this story because it's difficult to believe that one fight ended the entire marriage. First there's the extreme age difference. Statistically, a marriage like this only has a 5% chance of lasting, so it didn't have much of a chance at the start. You said you were minding the kids while your wife went to school, so how did you guys support yourselves? Were you doing a lot of fighting over money? Were you fighting over other issues? And the drugs she was on suggested she was suffering from depression and anxiety as well as being overweight and trying to stop smoking. So it sounds like she wasn't happy in the marriage. And she obviously did something to get thrown out of her father's house. Also why is she calling you if she's with another guy? You've additionally said you don't get to talk to the kids much, does this mean you haven't gone to family court to set up child support and visitation rights? It's been four years and your kids may suffering.

 

So I'm guessing things were not as happy as you've tried to describe. She may have been too immature for the role you chose for her. And if you were controlling and demanding, it may have drove her over the edge. Instead of trying to get her back, you should be getting a divorce, setting up a regular schedule to see your kids and only talking to her about the kids and nothing more. Accept she is not coming back, get your affairs in order, and move on with your life. And you should reflect on any errors you may be responsible in this relationship.

[lakeoffire]

thanks for the replys, im listening. things were really that good up until the last couple of months. at that time, we started living beyond our means. new house, new car, new appliances and furniture. I didnt want all of that, but I was always very passive in the relationship. she was actually the more controlling person in the marriage, but i never really minded that.

I had business income that supported us through her going to college. we truly never fought over anything, until we got over our head. the biggest thing that stressed her was her job, and long hours. she worked 12 hours a day. she couldn't smoke at her work, and that really stressed her, too. every night when she came home from work, she unloaded her work stress on me. i didnt mind. she actually still does this, now. We still talk like two married people that love each other. When we split, our financial situation became a catastrophe . neither of us could afford the house, separately. she lives with him for financial reasons. If you really love someone, you don't stop. I cant give up on her and my kids. I think about them every minute of every day. those years were the best of my life, and she admits that they were the best of hers. we were not only man and wife, but best friends, and hot in the bedroom.

I recently asked her if she was happy, and she told me "if i was happy, I would have been pregnant, again." she also says she dosnt divorce me, because he would want to get married, and she dosnt want that. We are catholic, and were married in the church. so we would never really be divorced.

[OhGreat]

So your wife is living and sleeping with another guy and says she loves you? I hate to break it to you but she doesn’t.

 

Women vote with their feet. She is with him and not you.

 

But, she gets all the emotional support she needs from you and gets to have this other guy pay for things and sleep with her as well.

 

Change the situation and say you were living with another woman and telling your wife you really love her but can’t leave. Crazy, right?

 

I agree you should divorce her and only communicate about the kids. No woman will ever love you if she can’t respect you and she does not.

[lakeoffire]

update.

she and my daughters bought some chickens. when we were together, we raised chickens. she asked me to come down there, 4 hours away, to build a chicken house for my daughters. i think i am going to. in the last 4 years, we have had sex over 10 times. her new boyfriend is a very large man. (about 575) and according to her, sex dosnt work, with him. who knows? I dont mind scratching her itch, when i can. we were always good in that way.

[ThatwasThen]

update.

she and my daughters bought some chickens. when we were together, we raised chickens. she asked me to come down there, 4 hours away, to build a chicken house for my daughters. i think i am going to. in the last 4 years, we have had sex over 10 times. her new boyfriend is a very large man. (about 575) and according to her, sex dosnt work, with him. who knows? I dont mind scratching her itch, when i can. we were always good in that way.

Why does she stay with him if he's so awful? What is the reason why she doesn't go back to you if she's so "into" you?

Are you paying child support?

Are you not working so she's not going to go back there because you have nothing to offer her?

 

You're being used emotionally abused by her.

[Honeycomb8]

She's lying to you obviously.

Also her behaviour is deceptive and manipulative-she doesn't care about you-she just likes attention from u. Cos it's an ego boost I guess.