She postponed our date because her friends were coming from France ?

[OKK]

Hi folks,

 

Long story short, we both have the same group of friends and we work at the same place. I was initially rejected by her as I tried to kiss her and she pulled away. I took it as a man and continued moving on with my life. I tried to avoid her at all costs and thereafter one of our common friend approaches me and tells me that she said that I tried to force her into kissing me and that I tried to hookup with her.

 

I was disgusted by that and for weeks I was annoyed by it. I started to ignore her a bit and then I finally decided to give her a call. I told her that I would had never forced her into kissing me, is that what you think of me ? She says you never forced me or anything. I even told her that I never tried to hookup with her as all I ever wanted was to take her out on a date so that she could get to know me better as a person and from there make a judgement. I even told her that I only tried to kiss her after she said something positive to me and if she hadn't I wouldn't had even tried. She even said that she was proud of herself as she was drunk at the bar and resisted kissing me. After the phone call, I managed to pull out a coffee date with her but her words were: I would like to go out with you but I would never do anything with a coworker. At the point, I wasn't thinking straight and I just went with it.

 

Thinking I was going to leave the work place anyways in June, so that couldn't be the worst case scenario if it worked out.

 

I asked about her schedule for Friday (today) and she said she can meet on Friday but she would get back to me on Thursday (yesterday). I said okay you can let me know by Thursday then. She said she will after work.

 

Thursday came and went so fast. At 23:00 pm I got a text from her saying:

 

Her: Hi tomorrow coffee at 13:00 pm ? :)

 

Me: Hi, I thought we were meeting at 20:00 pm :)

 

Her: Hahaha was there something I missed.

 

Me: I can't meet before 20:00 pm as I have other plans before that :I

 

Her: I have some friends coming in during the evening, they will be here till Tuesday

 

Her: (Friends from France)

 

Me: Okay no problem. Let's reschedule then. Any time that suits you best. Let me know :)

 

Her: I am pretty free next week :)

 

Me: Great, well you have my number, shoot me a text or give me a call and we will take it from there. :)

 

Her: Okay :)

 

Her: Havea a nibel nieght (She literally wrote it like this). I understood what she meant: Have a nice night.

 

 

At this point I don't even know what I am doing... Am I forcing her on a date ? She might not even want to see me but may just do it out of politeness. She talks to me and I had made it pretty clear to her that I am not interested in her as friends !

 

15 mins later I sent her another text (Bad idea):

 

Me: If free, I would love to talk to you on the phone ! :)

 

Her: I am having a drink with a few friends

 

Her: Is something wrong ? :I

 

Me: No not at all. I just wanted to check if you were feeling better (after our last nights conversation on the phone) :) And have fun ! :)

 

Her: Thanks for asking :) I am feeling a lot better now. It was just a bad day for me.

 

Me: Well it didn't turn out that bad after all :) The other reason was that I wanted to hear your voice :)

 

Her: Well it was a bad day for me since he just spread lies about me (the common friend who told me of what she said). But its all good. About my voice, you could simply watch this show (name of show) and the main character has almost the same voice as me hahaha.

 

Me: I won't disagree :)

 

No more texts....

 

Is this worth pursuing ? I have invested myself quite deep now and as much as I want to deny this but it seems to me that she might just not be interested in me or am I just assuming all of this ?

 

She never mentioned anything regarding her friends on the phone call ! And all of a sudden this ... She even took the entire day to get back to me regarding our date or whatever it is... I just don't know how to deal with this and do what next ?

[Cope]

From what I got, there was no time specified, so she didn't postpone the date, she actually planned it and you said no because you were busy. You didn't tell her what you were doing I assume, and rightfully so. Neither of you are obligated to tell the other what your plans are in general. So she has the right not to tell her she was having friends over for the weekend. She set a time, you can't make it, re schedule.

 

As for the kiss. I would be weirded out too if someone tried to kiss me when we're not on a date, especially a co worker. Was she even flirty with you prior to that kiss? And I mean days not minutes.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. She sounds very resistant and uninterested. For that and these reasons, it would be best to leave it alone.

she said that I tried to force her into kissing me and that I tried to hookup with her.

her words were: I would like to go out with you but I would never do anything with a coworker.

[OKK]

From what I got, there was no time specified, so she didn't postpone the date, she actually planned it and you said no because you were busy. You didn't tell her what you were doing I assume, and rightfully so. Neither of you are obligated to tell the other what your plans are in general. So she has the right not to tell her she was having friends over for the weekend. She set a time, you can't make it, re schedule.

 

As for the kiss. I would be weirded out too if someone tried to kiss me when we're not on a date, especially a co worker. Was she even flirty with you prior to that kiss? And I mean days not minutes.

 

She gave me mixed signals and I already broke the touch barrier with her. Her mixed signals were: Giving me her 100 % attention. I could hold her hand, she would notice me if I went missing and start texting me. I mean there were a ton of mixed signals going on there. Just before the kiss, she grabbed me by the arm and took me to the dance floor and I just wanted to kiss her there.

[OKK]

Sorry to hear this. She sounds very resistant and uninterested. For that and these reasons, it would be best to leave it alone.

 

Wiseman2, I completely agree with you here. Now I have dated women in the past. Those who are genuinely interested in a guy would go out of their way. She seems to be reluctant on this coworker thing. I doubt that. Even though she herself knows that in a month we both will be working somewhere else.

 

I am not going to text her since the ball is in her court. What if she texts me back next week arranging that date ? What then ?

 

I will make it however very clear to her. I am not interested in her as friends and if this doesn't lead anywhere, I wish her all the best

[Wiseman2]

When she tells people at work you forced yourself on her and she doesn't date coworkers the sexual harassment red flag should be lighting up in your head. Stop the pickup artist "signals" and pursue someone worth pursuing.

She gave me mixed signals and I already broke the touch barrier with her.

[Cope]

She gave me mixed signals and I already broke the touch barrier with her. Her mixed signals were: Giving me her 100 % attention. I could hold her hand, she would notice me if I went missing and start texting me. I mean there were a ton of mixed signals going on there. Just before the kiss, she grabbed me by the arm and took me to the dance floor and I just wanted to kiss her there.

 

Then I'd just cancel the whole thing. She doesn't seem interested, note what Wiseman said.

I wouldn't go out with someone who says they would like to go out but would never do anything with me (a co worker).

 

Your first instinct to just move on was right.

[OKK]

Then I'd just cancel the whole thing. She doesn't seem interested, note what Wiseman said.

I wouldn't go out with someone who says they would like to go out but would never do anything with me (a co worker).

 

Your first instinct to just move on was right.

 

And what should I be texting her if she gets back to me next week ?

 

And how should I be interacting with her at work ?

 

I mean I just want to give her the impression that there is nothing wrong with her, I just can't be friends with her in the best way possible.

[IAmFCA]

If / when you leave your job, then ask her out. If you stay in your job, drop this pursuit.

 

Let the communication fade; the coffee will never actually happen. That's okay.

[OKK]

When she tells people at work you forced yourself on her and she doesn't date coworkers the sexual harassment red flag should be lighting up in your head. Stop the pickup artist "signals" and pursue someone worth pursuing.

 

Wiseman2 you see the real issue became when that common friend of ours came and told me this, I suspected that he was only here to see my reaction. When I confronted her with what our common friend said, she denied it all. She was actually pissed off that someone can just tell lies like that.

[Cope]

And what should I be texting her if she gets back to me next week ?

 

And how should I be interacting with her at work ?

 

I mean I just want to give her the impression that there is nothing wrong with her, I just can't be friends with her in the best way possible.

 

Two ways. Start responding to her texts scarcely and delayed; if she asks for a date, tell her you're busy and you will get back to her and never do so, or be honest and tell her what you just said, you can't be friends because you are interested in more and since she will not do anything with a co worker, there's no need to proceed.

 

I'd vote for the latter.

[maew]

So you weren’t on a date with her when you tried to kiss her? Did you just see her at the bar and go for it? If that’s the case it’s no wonder she thought you wanted to hookup ... I would be very weirded out if one of my coworkers did that and would shut it down completely as I don’t date people I work with.

 

That being said... she agreed to the date, followed up on Thursday just as she said she would, suggested a time that didn’t work for you, and let you know she was available the following week, didn’t feel it necessary to give you her life story without really knowing you...all those signs point to a girl that is interested in you but not willing to bend over backwards to please you... aka an independent and confident woman with good boundaries.

 

What to do next is follow up with setting up a time to see her and go from there :-) until then just live your life.

[IAmFCA]

Two ways. Start responding to her texts scarcely and delayed; if she asks for a date, tell her you're busy and you will get back to her and never do so, or be honest and tell her what you just said, you can't be friends because you are interested in more and since she will not do anything with a co worker, there's no need to proceed.

 

I'd vote for the latter.

 

I like the latter. Strong.

[Wiseman2]

You confronted her and that's why she's lying about what she told him and putting on a show about it. The damage is done. At work you are marked as someone who forces himself on women, no matter who or how the rumor started. Be smart. Back off. Can't you get other women? Why chase ones that tell coworkers you are forcing yourself on them and who have zero interest to begin with? Don't bang your head against the wall. Walk away.

When I confronted her with what our common friend said, she denied it all. She was actually pissed off that someone can just tell lies like that.

[OKK]

So you weren’t on a date with her when you tried to kiss her? Did you just see her at the bar and go for it? If that’s the case it’s no wonder she thought you wanted to hookup ... I would be very weirded out if one of my coworkers did that and would shut it down completely as I don’t date people I work with.

 

That being said... she agreed to the date, followed up on Thursday just as she said she would, suggested a time that didn’t work for you, and let you know she was available the following week, didn’t feel it necessary to give you her life story without really knowing you...all those signs point to a girl that is interested in you but not willing to bend over backwards to please you... aka an independent and confident woman with good boundaries.

 

What to do next is follow up with setting up a time to see her and go from there :-) until then just live your life.

 

She invited me out to a bar with her friends. Just me from work. You get the point from there. And those mixed signals had already started a week prior. She would lay her head on my shoulder, be touchy with me. Why do such sort of things if you just see one person as a friend whom you have only known for like a month max. I was being led on, now whether she did it intentionally or not only she could tell.

[OKK]

You confronted her and that's why she's lying about what she told him and putting on a show about it. The damage is done. At work you are marked as someone who forces himself on women, no matter who or how the rumor started. Be smart. Back off. Can't you get other women? Why chase ones that tell coworkers you are forcing yourself on them and who have zero interest to begin with? Don't bang your head against the wall. Walk away.

 

Wiseman2 you are taking things into another level. She was angry at our common friend for spreading lies. That person is someone I don't even trust myself.

I never forced myself onto her. Which is something she was also angry about. Because its a complete fat lie. And even if I forced her, why would she go through the trouble to initiate contact with me ? Why go out on a date with set limits ? I rescheduled because I am busy with other stuff which I didn't even mention here. I am seeing someone else on the side in case things don't work out between me and her.

 

Moreover, if she for a single second thought If i forced her into kissing me, or if she just isn't interested in me, at this moment she could had bluntly just deny even meeting me, yet ''we'' rescheduled'' for next week where she herself mentioned that she is available the entire week.

 

Maybe the point here is that she doesn't see this as a date. But on the phone I specifically told her that I don't see her as a friend and I wanted to get to know her better and want the same from her. If this is not what a date is all about so God knows what is.

[Wiseman2]

Now wonder she's losing interest with you shuffling girls around.

I am seeing someone else on the side in case things don't work out between me and her.

[OKK]

Now wonder she's losing interest with you shuffling girls around.

 

Well she doesn't know about this. And why should she ?

 

She could possibly be seeing some else as well ?

 

Am i not right to protect myself from all of this.

 

Don't get me wrong but i totally agree with you on the uninterested part. She might be just doing all of this out of politeness. But who knows, only she can tell. I would rather play a long and go out with her and then get this sorted face to face. If she says I don't want anything more, Great well i am not interested as friends, wish you all the best and that is it !

[IAmFCA]

OP,

 

You are right -- dating is just dating and its healthy to evaluate multiple people before choosing to focus in on one. However, some of the thinking and behavior in this thread is leftover from hook up behavior, which is okay too but wholly different.

 

Firstly: Neither one is appropriate in a professional setting, so I wouldn't pursue her at all. Yes, people hook up all the time- be better than average and keep it professionally friendly.

 

Secondly: When interesting in dating someone, clarify your intentions. Take control of the mixed signals and make a stand: "I want to take you on a proper date." Employ some old-school courtship. If she is going a little faster, slow her roll and tell her you are interested in getting to know each other for real. Mixed signals (no matter who is giving them) are for hook ups/casual/flirty fun only. Get her to tell you straight whether she wants a date. If no, mingle with some other male colleagues for awhile; stop texting/emailing; be kind but a few feet away so that it is more difficult for her to flirt.

 

Thirdly: This woman told you straight she won't date a work colleague. She is waffling a bit but her first reply tells you all you need to know. Even if you start dating, she will feel awkward about it. If you can't date comfortably, then why date at all? Be kind, don't make a new date, quit your job, ask her out. Or keep your job and refocus out of the office.

[katrina1980]

OP, no advice but feel compelled to ask, why are you **over-thinking** this to the degree you are?

 

Are you really *that* into her?

 

I'm not sensing that from your posts; I sense it's more about your finding her some sort of challenge or something.

 

Not sexually, but just getting her to respond the way you want.

 

You seem almost obsessed about it.

 

I could be wrong.

[OKK]

OP, no advice but feel compelled to ask, why are you **over-thinking** this to the degree you are?

 

Are you really *that* into her?

 

I'm not sensing that from your posts; I sense it's more about your finding her some sort of challenge or something.

 

Not sexually, but just getting her to respond the way you want.

 

You seem almost obsessed about it.

 

I could be wrong.

 

I am into her, no doubt. I don't find this as a challenge or anything and no i am not obsessed about it. I never wanted to come on too strong on her anyways. I always wanted to ask her out on a date to get to know me better and I could had gotten to know her better as well. But then I screwed up, I admit that. I even moved on with all of this. A week later, when I found out from that common friend of ours, that she thought I was just there for sex and wanted to force her with this. I was upset about that because this was something I never wanted in the first place and never tried doing it. So I called her up and after clearing out everything, I just said the same thing to her about getting to know each other and she agreed to it but with limits. I might be wrong but she could always change her mind regarding the coworker thing. But then again we tend to stick to reality. I know she might not change her mind but I am just going to let her get back to me for now and take things from there. If i get the feeling that she is not really that into meeting me, I will call it off. I don't want to force anyone into seeing me just to get to know me. Only if she wants to and only if she is willing to go further.

[Wiseman2]

Work isn't a singles bar and the pickup artist approaches you are using are not working. Be professional. Leave her alone and go to bars/dating sites to practice these pickup artist attempts and supposed "signals", etc.

[katrina1980]

Okay well then, how about this.

 

The reason why you're "so" into her = she's a big challenge, you're used to "pulling" girls quite easily and this one is resisting.

 

Oh nevermind, I can see I'm not getting anywhete with this line of thought. lol

 

Best of luck!

[Minikimini]

You're too invested in pick up artists maneuvers which don't work with confident women, which by everything you've written here, she is.

 

If I was you, I'd stop while I was ahead. Don't poop where you eat. Leave your coworkers in the professional box and go to a bar to find someone to date--you've already got one strike against you by pushing up on her and assuming she was as into you as you clearly are in her.

[jimthzz]

Wow, you like confrontation strategies with a coworker as a way to get a date?

 

I can only imagine how badly this works for you.

 

Good luck.