Trying to fit in with coworkers

[skittles88]

Hi I’m not sure if this is the appropriate forum and I feel a little silly posting about it but I could use some advice about whether I’m just being too sensitive.

 

So I started a new job three months ago and I really like it and my new coworkers have all been very nice and helpful. There are six of us on my team and an intern. Four of us and the intern are all around the same age ...late 20’s to early 30’s and the other two women are in their 50’s. The younger ones seem to go out out all the time...happy hours after work and hanging out on weekends. They are very close and know each other friends/significant others.

 

On fridays they go out for lunch and if I’m around when making the plans I’ll join them. But I’m not included for things outside of work. Which wouldn’t usually bother me but they seem to talk about their outings a lot at work. It’s hard to really have a conversation with them when they all go on about the awesome place they went for brunch on Sunday and I wasn’t invited so I’m just sitting there feeling left out. And it’s not like I can ask if I can join them because they don’t discuss plans they make for the weekend at work.

 

This feels silly but part of me feels like I’m back in high school and being excluded from a clique or something. I know it’s just coworkers and I have my own friends but it would be nice to be invited out once in awhile. For work stuff it’s fine, we get along and do our jobs so it feels ridiculous to complain that I’m not included in after work things, thoughts? Am I just too sensitive?

[DancingFool]

Yes you are. At the same time I get why you feel the way that you do.

The thing is that as coworkers they are very nice to you and do not exclude you from what they do during working hours, including lunch, etc. However, they are also friends in real life so to speak, so they do things outside of work and since you just a coworker, you won't be included, same way you aren't asking them to hang out with your friends.

 

Honestly, that's probably for the best. You want to be friendly with your coworkers, but not friends. Don't get over involved at work because it tends to bite people in the rear and I see a lot of that. Enjoy a nice working environment, but remember that you are there to work and earn your paycheck. You aren't there to socialize or get sucked into any kind of personal drama. No, a job is not like high school.

[1a1a]

Seconding Dancing Fool (I made an almost identical post to this a couple of weeks ago but I was way less chill about it than you, Heart. On. Sleeve)

 

If you do really want to make a friendly connection with either the group, or individuals In the group, you could try organising an outing and inviting them (they might come, they might not, dancing fool makes the best point about how they have established friendships with each other, they might not have room in their lives for another friend and ideally friendships form organically, through happenstance.....another alternative is to keep doing the lunches when they happen until some day they all like your company enough to think to include you in friend things.)

 

I did manage to include myself on a group thing with my work place and it was pretty eh, I had really good conversations with a couple of the crew one on one though (at work, just happenstance)

[j.man]

As much as I enjoy my workplace relationships being personable as well, I do prefer keeping it within the premises. It's pretty rare I make exceptions.

 

Still, plenty enjoy expanding those parameters, and more power to them. I would say not to get caught up on being friends. You are there to work, and while, yes, friendliness often lends itself to efficiency, any activities outside the workplace are and always will be extra curricular. You may well never be included in them. That should be the baseline you operate from. Be efficient and don't ruffle feathers and something more personal may or may not develop from there.

[skittles88]

Thank you, that is what the logical part of me was thinking as well. I guess I just want to be included once in awhile. But getting it all out in a post does help.

 

I read your post too 1a1a and I will try your advice.

[1a1a]

*solidarity fistbump* be sure to keep in contact with people who love your face.

[catfeeder]

While I can appreciate the impulse to want to be included in a friendship pool when it's paraded in front of you, consider the level of discretion these women are using with you. It's not admirable. While they may come of as 'nice' at face value, they're being a bit 'mean-girl'-ish.

 

This would tell me all I'd need to know about why I would NOT want to tangle with any of them on a personal level, especially while I need to depend on them for favorable interaction to learn my job and remain regarded well professionally.

 

The word 'contamination' comes to mind. Attempting deeper dynamics can harm you in ways you may end up regretting, and you have no idea which of these people has been burned by any of the others along the way.

 

I'd stay out of it. I'd remind myself that work is NOT a therapeutic environment.

 

I'd assess which of these people, including the older women, are of most value to me in my current state of learning, and I'd consider each of these people as potentially useful to me in any strides I may wish to take in the future. I'd regard pleasant but arm's-length acquaintanceships with each of them as my ideal state, and this would preclude me from attempting to fish in the company pond for close and intimate relationships.

 

I'd keep the word 'pleasant' as my private mantra along with 'professional' in order to avoid gossip or any other landmines during this learning and growth period on my job.

 

Head high, and consider ways to explore interests and meet people for potential friendships OUTSIDE of work. Include older people in this pursuit, as having a mentor who has navigated this stuff before you is always a confidence booster. When we care for others and feel cared about outside of work, we carry this emotional abundance into our workplace and feel bolstered by it and better able to focus on our work without contaminating our work environment with our emotional needs.

 

You will thank yourself later.

[mfan]

I understand your sensitivity, sounds like an uncomfortable situation to be in even if you're there to do your job. If you want to be friends with them (which can have its merits and its risks) why not invite them out to something. Or invite them out to lunch, choosing the place yourself. Maybe they'll respond in kind. You probably have a good idea of their interests since they talk about them all the time. Invite them out to something like that with you and maybe your own friends, and see what happens. If they still act like jerks after that, then you know they're mean girls and then you ignore them and focus on your own life.