Will people fall in love with you after you change?

[blueowl32]

Will people fall in love with you after you change (personality wise)?

 

I don't mean a woman changing herself in order to get a man who was not originally into her, into her.

 

I am asking if a woman has some red flag issues - such as being incredibly insecure, negative and clingy.

If such a woman one day transforms and become completely healthy, confident and positive by and for herself. Will this make someone who dated her before when she had issues, who found her physically attractive, likes her but not into her enough to call her gf, into her and want to be with her now?

 

Or is it more that if that person was not in love with you at your worse, they probably won't when you become 10x more fab personality wise anymore?

 

I know there is a multitude of factors affecting the answer. But I want to hear what you think based on your experience.

r

[boltnrun]

Nothing will "make" someone fall in love with you. They either will or they won't.

 

And since there's no way to magically wipe someone's memory short of a head injury, they will likely remember the negative.

[smackie9]

I agree with the above post...seriously you should be changing/self improving for yourself, not to see if they will take you back. Uugghhh that's still says insecurity. The best thing you can do is let it go, move forward, take the lessons you have learned and meet someone new, start fresh.

[shessofly]

Are the red flag behaviors the reason why he was not into the lady? There's really no way to say...too many factors. Changes like you mention take time, often lots of it. Hopefully those issues will be worked on anyway, and will attract the right person into her life at the right time. Hopefully she will work on those changes regardless of the desire for a certain outcome with a specific person.

[blueowl32]

I agree.

I agree I was at my worse when I fell in love with him, and did and said terrible things to him. I also associate him with some bad feelings, and I am sure part of him associates me with negativity too.

 

After a long break of not seeing each other, we met and hung out gain, and had a great time. I am hesitant but he still wants to go out with me now, saying he enjoys spending time with me a lot. And I know he does. But he did say he isn't sure where we are heading either. He said things were said and done before. He has never advanced to this stage or beyond with anyone ever in his life, so he also doesn't know what he wants or why doesn't he want more with me either.

 

However, I do realise I am transforming and changing. I can sense it. I am no longer as desperate before or look to someone else to make me happy. And I do enjoy spending time with him and not as attached or into him either.

 

I am thinking if I should cut him out or it is okay to hang out and see how things will go, or it is just a dead end and I should cut him off completely. Meanwhile I am of course dating other guys too.

 

Truth be told, I don't know deep inside me I really really want to be with him relationship wise. I just am not sure if it is okay to keep seeing him, enjoy his company or to cut him off. I do like his company and I don't think spending time with him means I have less time to find the right man? Or am I wrong in thinking so?

[blueowl32]

Also, I am not changing for him.

I am changing for myself.

I am just wondering, as I continue to change, should I bother dating someone who I didn't work out with previously, but who still wants to see me.

[Jibralta]

Is this the same guy that you posted about previously? If so, it was never you. It was him. He lied to you and strung you along. When you get mentally healthy, you will not be attracted to a man like that.

[Batya33]

The reason my husband and I gave things a second chance after dating and breaking up was because over the several years we were apart we both changed and in our case I believe those changes were why it worked the second time. But I’ve changed a lot and am still changing now that I am a married mom mostly because I want our son to grow up in a calm environment and I tend to be type A and high strung but also because I want to be a good wife and partner. Many people change or are constantly changing - and we are in our 50s. So it’s really not about just falling in love but staying in love and choosing to stay loyal and committed.

I’ve heard actually that marriages amoften breakup of an addicted spouse gets clean or sober because the other spouse has been so used to being in the caretakers role - sometimes people like being with insecure people because they feel in control. It’s not so simple.

[katrina1980]

JMO, but nothing is ever set in stone.

 

Unless someone dies, that door is always open even when they "formally" end things.

 

Yes people *do* change - it's called learning, growing, evolving!

 

And yes I believe when former partners/lovers are in a position to witness that change, it can affect their feelings, resulting in possibly wanting to give it another shot. As in Batya's and her husbsnd's case!

 

Note that change can occur within *themselves* too, not necessarily within their partners.