Getting over a 4 year affair

[RayKay]

Just for all your info, she has contacted and accused me of hacking in to her hotmail and reading her emails!!

 

Her password has changed or something like that! Anyhow I cant print the full extent of the message she sent me but it was very abusive.

 

I havent been near her hotmail!!

 

And THAT is why you need to let her go and give her space because there is a lot of negative energy right now. I honestly don't think you will ever see that right now, you are still seeing things from YOUR side, but you have to realize her actions right now are because of how SHE feels, not about how you feel.

 

She has made her choice, and you still need to make the decisions on what you want to do...if you are leaving your wife then maybe she will come back but there is no guarantee.

[sasha505]

Do your wife a favour, and divorce her.

[bluebirds]

Why cant any of you see that July is the best time for evrybody, not just me!!

 

It makes sense if you just think about it, and my lover isnt back from Nz until July, but I would want to to commit to being with me.

[annie24]

Because now is the time. If you really want your lover, today, right now... you need to start divorce proceeding right away. You know, get the ball rolling. Divorces take a while to go through, so by the time that she's back, at least you would have made significant progress towards it.

 

It's the only way to make your lover realize that you're serious about her. Anything else is just excuses.

 

Look - July is two months away. I think you're making excuses. That's because I doubt that she could list the house the same day. I don't think that she wants to take such a huge hit off the sale of the house, if she doesn't just wait 2 months.

 

I don't know why you think you'll have any significant proceeds from the sale of the house anyways. If she gets a halfway decent lawyer, you won't see anything of that house ever again. After all, you were cheating on her up to the wedding, and then you started up shortly afterwards.

[Mun]

Look Sweetie,

I can understand the July deadline. Really, I see your point, but that's not the issue here. The main problem is that your lover does not trust you because she thinks this is just another excuse... and.. after seeing you say that if your lover does not come back to you then you are staying with your wife--well WHO is going to trust you?

 

I can tell you from the lover's point of view that she is probably thinking you don't know what you want.

 

I'll tell you the way it happened to my friend. Her married man couldn't leave his wife--mainly citing money issues. Well, at one point his wife kicked him out. He was homeless. My friend, who had been on the sidelines for a few years, didn't want him that way. Why? She didn't want him when he had no where else to go, she wanted him when he made a CHOICE to be with her.

 

You have to make that choice. That's what she's waiting for.

 

Now I will add my thoughts on this. If you choose to divorce you are going to go through a whole ordeal. During this time your already very strained relationship with your lover is going to get put through the ringer again. From the way you express yourself about her ( girly rubbish--you said) I wonder if she is in fact your true love and if you have any respect left for her.

 

I know I said it before and I'll repeat it : Divorce because you want to.. because as you say-- your wife is in the way of your happiness. Don't do it because there is someone else. (Or you will find yourself resenting your lover if things go wrong)

[bluebirds]

Muneca..

 

I cant bring myself to disagree with you, I want to but you make so much sense in all this, it makes me so sad that I actually had the chance to avoid all this and rolled the dice one to many times.

 

You have to believe me that I REALLY do love my lover and she is the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with.

 

We all have insecurities and somone mentioned before that I am 37, not 25 and I dont want to be on my own again, my brother got divorced at 42 and he is very lonley in his life.

 

Its also not becuase I dont think I couldnt get other chics, I am pretty confident and have taken good care of myself.

 

I am just totally not interested in ANYONE else and all I want to hear from my lover is that if I leave my wife then she might be prepared to give it a go with me.

 

I also understand the bit about the pressure and strain that it would put on my relationship with my lover when I leave my wife and get divorced, but if the love is strong enough it can also pull you together and make you twice as strong.

[annie24]

Didn't you watch when Harry Met Sally? Harry suddenly realizes that he wants to be with sally, so he runs through the streets of New York, to find her at the New Year's party she's at and tells her, "That when you realize that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start today..."

 

(yes - that is sappy, but seriously, if you realize that you want something, you need to take the necessary steps to set things in motion ASAP)

 

Looking at things from the lover's perspective - she's gone through the divorce, she's done her part. Now, it's time for you to do yours.

 

Wow - Muneca - Your friend's story is something else. Yeah, I don't want someone to be with me because he has nowhere else to go....

 

On another note, I've been to New Zealand myself last year. It's such an amazing beautiful, natural place. It is truly God's own country. In my opinion, it's a place that makes you see through all the BS, and really makes you not want to settle for anything less. I think you'd better hurry - before that fresh NZ air makes her snap to her senses and find a new partner who is willing and able to commit to her.

[bluebirds]

Just re your Nz point, she has been telling how wonderful it is for 4 years and how happy we could be there and how its great to start a family there etc etc.

 

When she went to NZ for her 3 months to find herself I said to her that I would come and see her for a week just to see her in her on environment and spend a short time getting to know the place a little and also to catch up with her.

 

She so didnt want that, kept telling me that this 3 months was for her and that she needed this time for herself etc etc.

Now under normal circumstances I would have gone with that and given her the time out, but if you have followed this story you will remember that when I spent 4 days with her before she left, she told me that SHE MIGHT SLEEP WITH SOMEONE IN NZ!!

 

So when she is then so totally against me going to Nz for week to see her I automatically think the worst, and thats natural so dont give me a hard time for thinking it coz i am not having it.

 

I also feel that its unfair to keep telling me she loves me but then say that she didnt want me to visit.

 

I understood the reasons for her going to Nz and I told her it would be good for her, but that email trick I played on her (see previous messages) and the I MIGHT SLEEP WITH SOMEONE thing ruined it.

[annie24]

I don't mean to sound harsh, but what's the point of what you just wrote?

[bluebirds]

What do you mean?

[annie24]

She's in NZ right now, and you're not. Ok, fine. You've also mentioned trying to get your finances together, so it makes sense to me that you NOT going to NZ would be a good idea, seeing as how expensive it is to get there. And, if she's coming back home so soon (July), which is when you plan on starting the divorce, I don't see what the big deal is that you're not visiting her right now.

 

I understood the reasons for her going to Nz and I told her it would be good for her, but that email trick I played on her (see previous messages) and the I MIGHT SLEEP WITH SOMEONE thing ruined it.

 

I just don't understand this. "Ruined it." You've said that you want to spend your life with her, but now, "ruined it." What does that mean?

 

You haven't comitted to her. She can go ahead and sleep with whoever she wants.

[bluebirds]

finances in relation to the mortgage deal I have that finishes in JULY!!

 

When she said that she might sleep with someone in NZ we were TOGETHER and had just made love!!

 

You are charming Annie, any chance you seeing both sides of the story?

[annie24]

I do see both sides of the story. You had just made love, she told you that she may sleep with someone in NZ. However, you are married, so that is inferring that YOU ARE sleeping with someone. She just said she "mght" sleep with someone else. you actually are.

 

How do you know that your wife wouldn't wait until July anyways to put the house up for sale? She may be spiteful, but ultimately, people do what they think will get them the most money, as you are doing yourself.

[annie24]

When she said that she might sleep with someone in NZ we were TOGETHER and had just made love!!

 

So, here, you are referring to each other as "together." Yet, earlier, you said that you don't want to divorce your wife until your lover promises to commit to you. Well - what are you? Together, or not together? I think when it's convienient for you, you consider yourself "together" with your lover, and when it is not convienent for you, you say she is not committed.

[bluebirds]

My wife and I havent had sex for a very long time, so I am not sleeping with anyone else...and thats my decision!!

 

So you think its nice to say something like that to a person you love, do you...do you really think that??

[bluebirds]

We were spending 4 days together before she went to NZ to try and sort things out. So at the time we were TOGETHER

[annie24]

"A very long time." what exactly does that mean?

 

No, it's not a very nice thing to say to someone you just had sex with. But, I still stand by it, if you are married, you basically have someone who lives in your house and your bed that is your sex partner. She doesn't have one besides you. you do. but, considering her lover is officially married to, and in the eyes of the church and the law, 'in love with his wife,' I don't think you're the one who has a right to judge what is nice and what is not.

[annie24]

We were spending 4 days together before she went to NZ to try and sort things out. So at the time we were TOGETHER

 

So, for you, TOGETHER means, in the same room?

[bluebirds]

Not interested in the Church and all that nonsense so not discussing that.

 

No together trying to sort things out, ie mentally,physically emotionally,sexually together.

 

Last year sometime, in answer to your other question.

[annie24]

Not interested in the Church and all that nonsense so not discussing that.

 

So... if you were never interested in all that nonsense, why get married? Isn't that the whole purpose of it - to show God, your family, friends, and the community that you have chosen to unite and share your lives together.

 

you are full of contradictions.

 

I think that your lover is well within her rights telling you that she may get involved with someone new. You're no spring chicken and neither is she. she probably wants to be in a full relationship, something she hasn't gotten from you yet.

[nikki19]

Just for all your info, she has contacted and accused me of hacking in to her hotmail and reading her emails!!

 

Her password has changed or something like that! Anyhow I cant print the full extent of the message she sent me but it was very abusive.

 

I havent been near her hotmail!!

 

This reminds me of the song "suspicious minds". I Seriously can't imagine how there can be any trust when a cheater hooks up with a cheater.

You cheat on your wife, your lover cheats on her husband, now you're worried your lover is cheating on you...oyyy.

I think something is definetly up with your lover. There's something in her hotmail she wants kept secret. She's problably found another guy.

[annie24]

Last year sometime, in answer to your other question.

 

I think that's an interesting, evasive response. sometime in the last year, can mean anywhere from yesterday, to 365 days ago.

[CarrieB123]

There's something in her hotmail she wants kept secret

 

 

I think so too

[freeindeed]

Bluebird, I'm just curious to know why you married your wife? I'm not trying to attack you, I'm genuinely curious. Do you do anything, like go on trips or spend nice evening or weekends together anymore? Or has it turned into "roommate" type of relationship?

 

I know that what your lover said is driving you crazy...and that was probably her intention. From what I've read about her, I think it's safe to assume that she will NOT committ to you, and will NOT stay faithful to you. I'm sorry, but it just seems that way. I know you're in love with her, and that's going to hurt....but if you can't save yourself the pain of this relationship/affair that will go nowhere, then you can save the pain of atleast one person which is your wife (who, as far as I know, has never done anything to hurt you). But I know everyone has told you that already, so I won't get into it.

 

HOnestly, don't you feel deep down inside that she's capable of doing TO you, what she did WITH you? She's deceptive and probably manipulative...you might want to start seeking therapy now, before you get deeper into this.

[annie24]

What really bugs me about your posts, bluebirds, is that you want your cake and you want to eat it too. Life is about choices. You don't seem to accept that.

 

For example, if I want to be a student at Harvard, but i don't want to live on the east coast because I don't like cold weather, I want to live in California, I'm in a conundrum, aren't I? I can either choose to go to Harvard, and deal with the cold. Or, I can go to California, and go to another school there, but it's not harvard. But, I can't live in California and be a student at harvard. That just doesn't work.

 

If you want one thing, you ultimately have to give up other things. And there's no way around that. The harvard admissions officers want a decision and you can't put it off forever. They give you a certain amount of time, and if you don't accept their offer, sorry, offer revoked. You can try reapplying, but they won't necessarily look favorably on someone who didn't want to attend when they first got the offer.

 

Like I said, life is full of choices and sacrifices.