Everything looks dark now

[JoyceVib]

Hi!

I came here to ask for some kind of support or advice.

I've been dating this guy for 1,5 years, he made it clear he wasn't really looking for a relationship, nether was I. In those 1,5 years we started to get te know each other so much better, but he was a smooth man and I kept my distance, I knew he wouldn't be good for me eventually.

In that time he kept searching contact, on a daily basis. After a while I had to stop the contact because I was feeling to much and couldn't really deal with the fact that he was dating others (I should have talked about it with him, I know, but couldn't because I knew it wasn't gonna work anyhow). I made my point very clear.

 

Four months later he contacted me again with a sweet message. We started talking again and I noticed not a lot changed after we met up again He is that type of guy that gets a lot of girls, and is searching for them as well. He's very smooth in his way of approaching you and really mysterious and intelligent. I knew he was wrong but I've never met any man like him. Since he kept our contact going on I had this kind of stupid hope it could work out. So I decided to let him do his best and to keep my distance. And he did do his best, texting me every day about how my day was, making me feel so special by saying sweet things, I liked his humour so I had to laugh a lot about him. He put more time in seeing me, on a weekly basis now. My last break-up was horrible and he is the first person I liked after that guy. That break up changed me a lot, I was so insecure for at least a year. Wasn't myself at all, which changed and I started to feel better about myself.

At a certain point I couldnt stop thinking about this guy. Still can't. Deep inside I knew he was bad news somehow, but he really showed me an emotional side and for 1,5 he kept contacting me. Think I hoped it meant something.

 

The time that I noticed he put a lot of effort in seeing me was for the last 1,5 month. This felt different and more emotional compared to the other ones. The way he looked at me, and the way he told me that I was one of the few people he actually really liked. That I was special to him.

Last week he acted a bit different, he texted me less and when I send him sweet messages he answered like he didn't really care.

I saw him this week, the evening was amazing but the next morning everything felt so weird. I just had the feeling that he didn't like me at all, couldn't act normal and speak normal because I felt so uncomfortable. He didn't really try anything to make me feel more comfortable. Maybe he felt kinda awkward as well.

 

So we said our goodbyes and he gave me a kiss. Promised to text me and see me soon. Still felt awkward but it looked like he meant it.

 

I didn't hear nothing yet since three days. Before we texted on a daily basis. Thing is, now I can see that he's just not the right person at all. I also found out he's dating another girl (and she's so pretty and looks so nice), which made me instantly insecure. I just had this hope and felt good about myself, hoped because he put so much effort in me after I told him I didn't wanted to see him again that it actually meant something and there could be a future. Now I know he's laying in bed with another girl and probably doesn't even care. It hurts so badly.

 

On the last day we had a conversation about love. He told me he was gonna end up like his dad: Alone. Said his previous borderline gf scarred him for life and he didn't know if love was real after all.

 

Problem is, when I look back at it, that I get the feeling he's not someone who can stay alone and needs this kind of attention from girls, which he can achieve by making them feel special. I just hoped it wasn't like that because I wasn't sure (should have talked about it with him before, I was just afraid to ruin anything, stupid..).

 

It just hurts that I feel so much for someone, and actually really had high hopes somehow because he made me feel like I was different, and now all of a sudden I realize that he (probably) doesn't feel the same way at all. But I do feel a lot. And cared a lot.

I've decided to meet up with him soon to talk about this and let him know it's done. I just hate it how I felt so good about myself since a year again and now I feel depressed and stupid, can't stop crying and all my plans for the next weeks (amazing plans, like a three week long holiday next week) all look horrible. I hate to feel this insecure again. And I hate it that I felt for a guy who (probably) didn't feel the same way at all, something that was more like a game. I also hate it that he normally ALWAYS texts me, not anymore. I will text him soon when I gathered my thoughts because I feel like a mess atm.

 

 

 

I know it's hard to give advice on this or whatever, support or anything would be nice! I just feel lost and sad and afraid for the future. I do understand his point now about if true love exists.

I also feel bad because I just could have known this now, and that I never talked about it with him before. While at this moment he's laying in bed with this pretty amazing girl (by her profile it's obvious that's she's a really cool person). And I see them in front of me happy together the whole time while I feel like .

 

Anyhow thank you in advance for reading this!

[Leah2337]

I'm sorry you're hurting. I think your take on who he is and what he is doing is spot on. He can't be alone but can't really be with one person either. I feel like you've given enough of your time, affection and energy into this man. It also seems like a valuable lesson has been offered to you about talking about your feelings rather than being afraid of them. Think of where you could be now if you had voiced your concerns a year and a half ago. So many of us here feel lost and sad and alone right now. But, just the fact that there are so many of us feeling that way proves that we really aren't alone at all. Hang in there!

[DancingFool]

Your previous break up was bad, so this guy gave you the attention you were craving. However, you knew all along that he is a player and damaged goods and not really worth anything other than getting some of your own needs met. That said, the fling is over and time for you to actually get out there and start dating for real - you know men who are actually worthwhile. You miss the cheap attention and the ego boost it was giving you, but there comes a time where you really need to just rise above that, start believing in yourself again and choose better for yourself than a cheap ego boost. Stop convincing yourself that he is some great lost love. He isn't, if you are really honest about it, and never was.

[GoodGumbo]

Joycevib

 

I can relate to exactly what you have written. I could have written it. My heartache is over a guy that is interchangeable with yours, he makes you feel special, didn't miss a day of texting and would call. I saw him every weekend - no spend the nights because i have children but I definitely felt i was essential in his life that he had to care as i was such a big support for him. We texted almost all day. Then, just like you, right before the end he got extremely close and then he deliberately hurt me by beginning to bring other women to hang out with us and i found later that he was actually sleeping with them. There are men like that. just as you suspected something, I originally did also because I have never been a jealous person and all the sudden i began to be jealous and I realized that he was telling me about other women that wanted him.. ? It was almost like he was trying to make me jealous.. Then when they would start hanging around our group of friends, i was expected not to be jealous even though he was texting them! The hard cold truth is, he needs that much attention from that many different people. He is mentally sick and not ready for a relationship consisting of even the most basic of foundations - respect. I feel foolish for believing his lies as long as i did but, the everyday sweet nothings did me in. They meant nothing to him other than attention. I haven't given him attention in three weeks. I am proud of myself for that and the ability to see it for what it is... Go with your gut and just decide you are done with him... a real relationship that is healthy for you feels good - loving and supportive.. It just doesn't feel bad - he felt bad and you know deep down that your's did too. Good Luck and Big hugs!

[DanZee]

As DancingFool said, this guy is a player. He probably doesn't even know about the hearts he's breaking. It's all about him and his urges. And don't feel jealous of the pretty girl he's with. He'll screw up that relationship too. And it won't do you any good to have a talk with him. You won't get closure and it'll just go in one ear and come out the other. He's not going to change and since he can get other girls, he's not going to miss you for too long. You should block him from your life and get over him.

[JoyceVib]

I'm sorry you're hurting. I think your take on who he is and what he is doing is spot on. He can't be alone but can't really be with one person either. I feel like you've given enough of your time, affection and energy into this man. It also seems like a valuable lesson has been offered to you about talking about your feelings rather than being afraid of them. Think of where you could be now if you had voiced your concerns a year and a half ago. So many of us here feel lost and sad and alone right now. But, just the fact that there are so many of us feeling that way proves that we really aren't alone at all. Hang in there!

 

Thank you so much for your reply, Leah! I think you're absolutely right in your answer and I must say it feels good to hear someone saying this too me. Makes me feel a bit more confident, I'll try to stand above it. Again, beautifully said , thank you! :)

[JoyceVib]

Help I didn't want to send this message but I can't find the delete button. Sorry people.

[JoyceVib]

Your previous break up was bad, so this guy gave you the attention you were craving. However, you knew all along that he is a player and damaged goods and not really worth anything other than getting some of your own needs met. That said, the fling is over and time for you to actually get out there and start dating for real - you know men who are actually worthwhile. You miss the cheap attention and the ego boost it was giving you, but there comes a time where you really need to just rise above that, start believing in yourself again and choose better for yourself than a cheap ego boost. Stop convincing yourself that he is some great lost love. He isn't, if you are really honest about it, and never was.

 

I didn't knew it all along unfortunately, it took me some time before I figured this out. For the rest you're absolutely right. Thank you for putting it that way, I will think about your message if I feel a bit lost. The hardest thing is to accept the thing you're saying so perfectly, I always get those thoughts in my head saying "but what if he cared?" Anyhow I'm sure this is not the way to start any healthy relationship so I shouldn't think about that. Just kinda hurts to know you did and to find out (tho I could have known I suppose) that the other person probably doesn't. Thank you for your reply! :)

[JoyceVib]

Joycevib

 

I can relate to exactly what you have written. I could have written it. My heartache is over a guy that is interchangeable with yours, he makes you feel special, didn't miss a day of texting and would call. I saw him every weekend - no spend the nights because i have children but I definitely felt i was essential in his life that he had to care as i was such a big support for him. We texted almost all day. Then, just like you, right before the end he got extremely close and then he deliberately hurt me by beginning to bring other women to hang out with us and i found later that he was actually sleeping with them. There are men like that. just as you suspected something, I originally did also because I have never been a jealous person and all the sudden i began to be jealous and I realized that he was telling me about other women that wanted him.. ? It was almost like he was trying to make me jealous.. Then when they would start hanging around our group of friends, i was expected not to be jealous even though he was texting them! The hard cold truth is, he needs that much attention from that many different people. He is mentally sick and not ready for a relationship consisting of even the most basic of foundations - respect. I feel foolish for believing his lies as long as i did but, the everyday sweet nothings did me in. They meant nothing to him other than attention. I haven't given him attention in three weeks. I am proud of myself for that and the ability to see it for what it is... Go with your gut and just decide you are done with him... a real relationship that is healthy for you feels good - loving and supportive.. It just doesn't feel bad - he felt bad and you know deep down that your's did too. Good Luck and Big hugs!

 

Ah no that sounds like such a harsh thing to do! I'm sorry that this happened to you.. I think for people like us it's hard to understand that people like that just do exist and live their lives that way. In my mindset I can't accept the fact that people do, I always think people do need love and that I'm the right person to give it to them. But hopefully situations like this will save us time in the future while we look for good people who deserve our love. Thank you for your reply! :)

[JoyceVib]

As DancingFool said, this guy is a player. He probably doesn't even know about the hearts he's breaking. It's all about him and his urges. And don't feel jealous of the pretty girl he's with. He'll screw up that relationship too. And it won't do you any good to have a talk with him. You won't get closure and it'll just go in one ear and come out the other. He's not going to change and since he can get other girls, he's not going to miss you for too long. You should block him from your life and get over him.

 

Probably yes! The problem about writing this down is that you just describe a short image of a long film. He did show me emotional sides and I actually fell for him because he had the same mindset about life. He wasn't stupid at all, and actually really cared about for example family and animals. I think he kind of did care somehow but indeed that the need for attention from others is too big. There was something about him that was special, but he's not the right person for me. I do need love and attention which I can't get from him enough. Thank you for your reply and I'll keep this in mind! :)

[Hollyj]

If you are looking for love, he is the wrong guy.

 

He is a player, and told you that he is damaged. He is a waste of time and provides zero future. I strongly suggest that you block and delete him.

[PEACEBWU]

Honey, you deserve so much more! The issue isn't with the guy or his appearing to reject. The true root of the issue is how you feel about yourself and know your value and worth. Oftentimes, we do things we know we shouldn't and we see the warning signs but ignore them when we have self worth issues. I don't know if you gave yourself to this man in an intimate way. Any time we do, we are giving a part of our soul away. We all have a craving a need to be loved and to love. Unfortunately, we tend to thing relationships are there to be our comfort, love, romantic, meet needs, make life easier and fun, lift burdens, and feel like we find ourselves, as well as feel accepted for who we are. Am I right? That's not a relationship or marriage at all. It's take a lot of broken relationships and pain to discover that relationships are really like a mission field. They are the place we learn who we aren't, a place we are tested to the core of all our darkest places, and they are the place to learn unconditional love. Not for our gain but to love another. A healthy good relationship realizes this on both sides where both are aiming to give 100%. The fact we speak different languages and have different back grounds means our 100% is lucky to reach 50%. The best decision we can do is stay clear of any relationships when we have healing to do.

 

I have tried every which way to learning what attracts a man to how do I distract from a broken heart, even to friends with a benefit to numb and move on from painful relationships. The real issue wasn't the relationships but that my picker was broken because I was broken inside. It wasn't until I began a spiritual rebirthing and waiting through the pain, willing to be alone, that I learned to see relationships different. I found the best distractions was picking up new hobbies, investing in girl friend relationships, getting fit and working out, joining studies, studying on areas I wanted to grow, time to love myself, learning to be ok being alone. What things do you love to do? What things make you feel good that's not dependent on others? Do you enjoy soaking a Epsom salt baths with lavender essential oil and reading a good book? Do you like to get outdoors and hike or take a walk in nature? Do you like to travel? Whatever it is that brings nourishment to your soul...do those things.

 

As for talking to the guy...Why do you feel the need to do that? What's your goal? If he wanted to be a man and consider your feelings he'd pick up the phone and talk to you. You have a beauty deeper inside than any cool pretty thing he's dating willing to put her body on the line as another notch on his bed post. If she's sleeping with him and not requiring more than pity her heart too. He's confused and not willing to face the hard stuff to grow beyond it. It's a sad state he's using woman to fill his void and leaving a wreckage behind him. Your best course of action is walk away knowing you are choosing that for yourself. If he returns, which oddly happens as you grow stronger, that's the time to lay it all out in honesty. But, it's also the time to have really strict boundaries and lay down the rules. Be willing to lose him and walk away for your own dignity and strength. Don't let him smooth talk his way in. Men like challenges and a player will play harder. Make him prove change before ever considering a relationship. Make him earn your trust. He used you, whether he intended or not, he did it and walked away. You deserve better! You deserve to heal and have a man lead you in a loving way full of commitment! It sounds like you have had to somewhat lead this guy you have fell in love with. Be strong enough to wait for a stronger man that will be willing to cherish, lead and love you beyond his own insecurities. You are worth it! If you don't believe it than write those things on some sticky notes and post them around your house....remind yourself daily that you are beautiful, made for more all of life's goodness, you are worthy, etc. Anything that makes your heart smile and cry in the beauty of truth!