Boyfriend cheated then ghosted

[Melanie012]

Been dating a guy for over a year. I found out he was messaging another girl. When asked to see the messages, he refused to show me. Instantly started getting all his things and left with a text message that he will not be answering from here on out. He couldn't even look me in the eyes.

 

And just like that, the relationship is over.

 

We were about to move in together, he was the one that kept initiating the move in. I didn't want to rush him so I let him set the tempo. He talked to me about marriage, kids, getting a house together and our future. I had absolutely no idea that he was speaking to someone else.

 

Its almost like he wanted me and a future together, but found it completely okay to talk to other women. I don't know if he physically cheated before, but refusing to show me the messages and running away like the biggest coward proved to me that he was not faithful and had something to hide.

 

The running away part hurts the most. I have no closure. I don't know why he did what he did. I know I probably dodged a bullet, but it still really sucks and hurts. How can someone talk about all these things, only to be unfaithful and then end the relationship just like that. I could never treat someone I love that way. And he showed me so much love, and made me feel so secure.

[MissCanuck]

I'm sorry to hear you've been treated this way, OP. What an absolute coward this guy is.

 

I'm quite sure you're right that he had something to hide. But I am curious, how did you find out about this?

[Melanie012]

We were staying at a hotel room for a wedding. I woke up in the middle of the night and accidentally picked up his phone instead of mine to check the time. Saw messages from a woman, but only way to view them would be to unlock the phone. I trusted this guy, didn't even have his phone lock code because I never felt the need to snoop.

 

When confronted, he said he was texting someone to see if they were still downstairs at the bar. When asked to see the messages, he said no and started packing his things.

 

Meanwhile that evening he was telling me how our wedding will look.

 

Mind blown.

[DancingFool]

Cheaters don't cheat because of you. They cheat because they are disordered, dysfunctional, broken, messed up people. They also don't think they are any of that, so they aren't going to change or fix themselves. Cheaters also lie - about everything, to everyone, including themselves. Their whole life is a giant, ongoing lie. That is really your closure with this guy - he is a liar and you have finally seen the truth. With that said, good bye and good riddance. Lucky you only wasted relatively short amount of your life on him, didn't marry him, didn't have children with him and then discovered 15 years later and with three kids and a mortgage and bills that you are married to filth. Truly, count yourself lucky.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Was he on the rebound when you met? It sounds like things were going way to fast with all the future talk, that was the first red flag. Talking about moving in and going on and on about marriage,weddings, etc. but there was no ring/proposal ,was there? Does that make sense to you? Unfortunately you may need to come to terms with that the entire relationship may have been a lie. In retrospect what else wasn't adding up besides his trying to distract you with all the future talk/wedding talk?

We were about to move in together, he was the one that kept initiating the move in. He talked to me about marriage, kids, getting a house together and our future. I have no closure.

[Melanie012]

Sorry to hear this. Was he on the rebound when you met? It sounds like things were going way to fast with all the future talk, that was the first red flag. Talking about moving in and going on and on about marriage,weddings, etc. but there was no ring/proposal ,was there? Does that make sense to you? Unfortunately you may need to come to terms with that the entire relationship may have been a lie. In retrospect what else wasn't adding up besides his trying to distract you with all the future talk/wedding talk?

 

Not sure about the rebound, but he did started following his ex on all social medias as soon as he got home from running away from me. I think a year in a relationship, talk about moving in is reasonable. We are both in our late 20s, have steady careers, etc. This was the next step for us and seemed natural. Actual proposal after a year is too soon for me. But being able to openly talk about whether or not we want kids, want to get married, is important before moving in to me. These conversations just came naturally to us and in my eyes, it meant that he was serious about this.

 

We were always able to talk through any issues. We had ups and downs, but we got through any issues that occurred. I feel like if he wasn't serious, he wouldn't be wasting his time. He also knew my ex cheated on me, and knew how much I struggled with that. Opening up again and trusting someone fully was not easy.

 

I'm sure I'll start seeing more signs eventually. As of now, my brain is just focusing on happy times we had.

[Melanie012]

Cheaters don't cheat because of you. They cheat because they are disordered, dysfunctional, broken, messed up people. They also don't think they are any of that, so they aren't going to change or fix themselves. Cheaters also lie - about everything, to everyone, including themselves. Their whole life is a giant, ongoing lie. That is really your closure with this guy - he is a liar and you have finally seen the truth. With that said, good bye and good riddance. Lucky you only wasted relatively short amount of your life on him, didn't marry him, didn't have children with him and then discovered 15 years later and with three kids and a mortgage and bills that you are married to filth. Truly, count yourself lucky.

 

This is exactly what I needed to read. Dealing with a cheater before, this one showed no signs or change in behavior. I was completely thrown off-guard.

[Wiseman2]

Was the wedding for your people or his people?

We were staying at a hotel room for a wedding. he said he was texting someone to see if they were still downstairs at the bar.

[boltnrun]

Good thing you found out now rather than after you moved in.

 

Sorry he was a cheater. But you are well rid of him.

[smackie9]

He's a narcissist. His personality type don't play by the rules, and feel if they can get away with it they will keep doing it without any remorse. Men like that love the stability of a committed relationship/marriage but still have those other women on the side...kinda like living a double life and they are quite content/comfortable with it. He didn't show any signs because he knows how to play the game, and doesn't show guilt, because he doesn't feel it. It's all self entitlement. He's been rolling this way for years and this is nothing new to him. IMO you dodged a bullet.

 

Tip: Talk of marriage is just that, talk, and should never be taken as a promise...not until you see a ring on that finger and the invitations have been sent out.

[DancingFool]

This is exactly what I needed to read. Dealing with a cheater before, this one showed no signs or change in behavior. I was completely thrown off-guard.

 

Some can be very very good at covering their tracks. The way he ran tells you all you need to know really. Then again, as 20/20 hindsight kicks in, you might be able to see some small signs. Just remember that all cheaters are notorious liars. If this is the second time you got involved with one, might be a good idea to start looking at what you are missing early on or maybe what you are falling for early on or both. I'm not going to say always, but quite often, the clues pop up as early as date one or two even.

[Melanie012]

. He didn't show any signs because he knows how to play the game, and doesn't show guilt, because he doesn't feel it. It's all self entitlement. He's been rolling this way for years and this is nothing new to him. IMO you dodged a bullet.

 

That makes sense. It was hard for me to understand, and still kind of is, because I am complete opposite. I feel bad for him, just because being that type of person in life is horrible.

[boltnrun]

That makes sense. It was hard for me to understand, and still kind of is, because I am complete opposite. I feel bad for him, just because being that type of person in life is horrible.

 

Don't get caught up in pity for people like that.

 

They don't see that anything they do is wrong. They don't think or feel the way you do. If they get caught cheating they usually blame the person they cheated on.

 

One of my favorites is when my ex, while I was confronting him about his cheating, said to me "Why are you trying to ruin our relationship?" Like, it was MY fault because if I'd only just shut up and accepted his cheating our relationship could continue. Total BS.

 

Don't assign moral character to cheaters because they usually don't have it in them to feel remorse or regret.

[Melanie012]

I'm not going to say always, but quite often, the clues pop up as early as date one or two even.

 

Any examples of clues you encountered? He gave the impression of being a generally good guy, and I am very guarded and picky when I start to date. I don't open myself up until I feel like the man is looking for something serious and is putting in the effort. This one was a really good boyfriend, no man showed me the amount of love that he has. Now, just to find that but without the infidelity part

[maew]

Jeez girl I’m so sorry this happened! Yes he is a TOTAL coward for not facing the music. Mind you he probably would have spun a bunch of lies and BS if he hadn’t run away so maybe this way is better.

 

At any rate, sounds like you dodged a bullet with this one.