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Ive broken up with a alcholic girlfiend and its killing me 2 months later

Ashyhoney

By Ashyhoney
in Relationship Advice

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Ashyhoney Rookie

Ashyhoney

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Hi all,

 

I have just been reading a post about a breakup and thought I would post on here for advise.

 

I am 2 months into a break up with a woman I loved with all my heart. This all started from a few months into the relationship where they were signs that alcohol didn't react well with her. Like a fool I chose to ignore these episodes and carry on. Last September it was my best friends wedding and all hell broke lose. She got absolutely smashed and made an absolute embarrassment of herself and me. I had to end it then. after 2 weeks she hadn't even text saying sorry and it was driving me mad !! I ended up contacting her and I wanted to know what was going on why is she not fighting for me? I gave this girl absolutely everything I could emotionally and physically. After meeting to talk about things she broke down and told me she was drinking every day and it was to escape from her past (abuse etc) from her ex boyfriends. I already knew her relationship with her mother wasn't great either. I felt sorry for her that the woman I love has nobody to turn to and if I'm her partner then we need to stick together through thick and thin. I really loved this girl and wanted to stand by her and help her though this stage in her life. she went to a councillor and I did to as I needed to understand what was going on. My counsellor told me this was only going to end up in tears and as much as I want to help there are far to many issues for her to sort out. A month later we moved in together renting a house as my parents were not happy that I was being manipulated by her and I couldn't see what was going on. We moved into the house 1st dec 2017

 

Her counselling soon stopped and as it was xmas she had a few drinks. I didn't see it as a problem as she wasn't drinking as much as she was before and seemed fine with it. Xmas I spoilt her and everyday told her how much she meant to me and that I loved her. New year took her to Disney as I wanted a special entrance to 2018 and that this was going to be our year. we went to Disney and I was shocked at this ungrateful person being moody and ruining the day all apparently because she couldn't get reception on her phone ??? New year came and she was stood at the side of me acting like a child that had just been sent to the naughty corner !!! clock struck 12 and I hugged her and told her I loved her and this is a new year and put everything behind us and lets start a great year together. 3 weeks later its all over. she was constantly on her phone, being reserved no conversation etc etc. I constantly asked her if she was ok and all I got back was "I'm fine" the final day we went out with her parents for the day and she got absolutely hammered again. (I wasn't drinking). She was rude to staff and making an atmosphere out of nothing. I wasn't going to tell her to stop drinking and her and parents all got drunk. We gets home and all she said to me was "is it over" this was repeated several times until I was backed into a corner to say "yes its over". She then after a full day of drinking went upstairs and drank half a crate of carling. The following day sending me a message saying "I feel really sad I'm going back to my mums tonight". I couldn't believe what was happening !!! this girl I had literally given everything to just wasn't bothered !!! I didn't even get a sorry we need to talk !!. Later that week she collected her stuff and that's it she went no fight no nothing just gone !!. about a month later I got in contact with her and absolutely broke down in tears explaining how much I loved her and why did she do what she did. I got the reply "I felt like I couldn't drink around you & I asked her to leave" I replied with "you told me you had a drink problem !!". I spoke to her later that week and explained that I was free at home if she wanted to come round and chat and guess what........... no show from her. I then text her saying that's it I'm done I cant do this . her reply "right ok" then 2 hours later at 2am "wow well its your loss"....... that's the last ive had contact.

 

I'm not a extra month ahead and feel worse than ever and can not get her out of my mind every song everything reminds me of her and all I can think of is why has this happened?

 

Ive even starting to think could I get her back in my life even though I know she wouldn't be bothered

 

How can I get over this please any advise welcome ......................

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SooSad33 Grand Master

SooSad33

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IMO... You GAVE too much- when she could give you nothing.

But you had ample warning from the beginning. She showed you who she was.. now take off those rose coloured glasses

and see the TRUTH.

 

The worst thing you coulda done, you did. Which was moving in with someone so unstable. :/

 

She cannot handle a relationship.. and she can't please YOU. This you need to realize. She's a mental mess & broken.

Sadly.. involved with booze. She cannnot 'give' to you.

 

And here, you EXPECT her to contact you over & over again to say how sorry she is.. and wants to work things out?

Why?

You are wanting things from her... but you won't get it.

 

She is in this for HER. And expecting so much is unreal.

 

Sorry you are so hurt.. but this is Life and it'll throw us some hard balls at times.

Let this be a learning experience on your behalf.

 

Watch for red flags.. and do NOT just jump into things so fast! Like you did here...especially when you already know that something's not right.

 

You put way too much effort into her. Now.. you have to back off totally and work on getting yourself back in order.

 

All you can think of is why this happened? Because YOU got lost in her.. made her your 'everything' and failed to see all the wrongs of how she really was.

And she is the type of person who can NOT give to you.

 

To get over it.... you move on..away from it all! Stay away and keep walking.

You need time to heal from this experience.

 

Someday, you will see why it all went wrong.

 

Now.. get your inner strength back and STOP trying to convince yourself that she will change.

This is her.

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ThatwasThen Grand Master

ThatwasThen

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she went to a councillor and I did to as I needed to understand what was going on. My counsellor told me this was only going to end up in tears and as much as I want to help there are far to many issues for her to sort out.
Yes, well your extreme codependency compelled you to ignore that very good advice from your therapist and instead do the exact dysfunctional opposite:
A month later we moved in together

 

You need help, Op. Your codependency, your addiction (not love) to this girl is blatant and if you have any love for YOURSELF you will get back into counselling with someone who is proficient in codependency issues and can direct you to the appropriate support groups.

 

This dysfunctional hanging on you have of her isn't love at all. Love doesn't look like what you've described. Its addiction to having her in your life and you're hurting now because you're going through cold turkey withdrawl from your drug of choice called "bad girlfriend."

 

Do not contact her again. You can't quit smoking if you keep having a drag off of a cigarette just like you can't quit her if you keep getting back in touch with her. Your relationship is dysfunctional and codependent.

 

Google Co-dependency and read everything you can about it because you DO suffer in it.

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Ashyhoney Rookie

Ashyhoney

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thankyou

 

I know I went against my councillors advise but I felt like we could make things right.

 

I totally understand what you are saying tho. I will google co-dependency thankyou.

 

I just wanted to treat the woman I loved the way I thought every woman wanted treating

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Snny Experienced

Snny

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You did the right thing by ending it. Seriously. This coming from someone who grew up with an alcoholic grandfather who committed suicide because he drank his way to depression.

 

There is no room in a relationship with alcoholism. And if you are ever planning to have kids, you don't want a partner who is an alcoholic. She needs to get it under control through intense counseling on her own at this point.

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Herbalguan Apprentice

Herbalguan

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I'm with Snny.

Have you done wrong in giving somebody so much? I don't think it's wrong when the person's worth it and treats you the same. Just please don't forget to love yourself first by not letting person like your ex mistreat you and waste your love.

I was with a guy who's addicted to porn and drugs few years ago. Just like you, OP, I gave him ALL I could give, but he still mistreated me. Till now, he still doesn't apologize or think he's wrong. These kind of people are like black holes; they attract people and consume their love. Stop wanting her love or apology, and stop hoping someday she would change or you could change her; focus on yourself instead.

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Ashyhoney Rookie

Ashyhoney

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There is no room in a relationship with alcoholism. And if you are ever planning to have kids, you don't want a partner who is an alcoholic. She needs to get it under control through intense counseling on her own at this point.

 

When I ended it she text me saying "I wanted a family with you so bad, but you wanted to travel". (The only mention of travelling in the all relationship was I said I would love for us to go a month away before we had kids"

 

I tried to get her to do counselling after the whole drinking came out and she went 3 times (well that's what she told me). She said she wasn't going to go over xmas and then after xmas I asked her when is she going back. I actually think she thought I would forget about it all and everything would go back to normal.

 

A couple of week before we split on a friday night she said "I could just do with a glass of wine" I asked her "why? why have you had that urge to have a wine and not a soft drink?" (I wanted to know what triggered that feeling). She took this as instant offence ?

 

From what I hear she is now out drinking with her so called friends. She has also told me that only I knew about her drinking. she hadn't told anybody else not even her mum. I knew this xmas day when her mum had bought her bottles of gin, prosseco etc etc .:eek:

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Wiseman2 Grand Master

Wiseman2

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That's why alanon would be so enlightening. You will hear from others who have been blamed by the alcoholic for their problems. Also how they think you are nagging or controlling them. All the lies and hiding that others in your shoes have been through. Also how when push comes to shove they will pick booze over you and you can't fix anyone. It will help you make sense of things.

When I ended it she text me saying "I wanted a family with you so bad, but you wanted to travel". A couple of week before we split on a friday night she said "I could just do with a glass of wine" I asked her "why? why have you had that urge to have a wine and not a soft drink?" She took this as instant offence ?
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