premature ejaculation / blame shifting / manipulation??

[belovedmay]

My new boyfriend had a problem with ED, got Cialis and while he's not consistently taking it - a new problem has surfaced where he comes within a few minutes of having sex !! I was figuring out what to do about that - but my real problem is that he has started talking about how I come from oral sex, but not vaginal sex, like it's me that is the problem!! This feels like blameshifting (because I have a past of emotionally abusive relationships) but it could just be his ego trying to make excuses for his inadequacy... I am very sexual and it is definitely a 4 minutes max of sex window that I would have to come - so it is not me that is the problem. He's a great man otherwise, so I'm not trying to just turn my back on him without sussing it out a little more. What should I do ? ? His sexual issues have already been such a focus, I don't want to shine more of a light on it just yet...

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, you are not compatible. Neither of you is concerned about the other's pleasure. Find a sexually compatible guy.

My new boyfriend ... I am very sexual and it is definitely a 4 minutes max of sex window that I would have to come - His sexual issues have already been such a focus.

[j.man]

His sexual issues have already been such a focus, I don't want to shine more of a light on it just yet...

Why? "Blame shifting" insinuates there's being "blame" thrown out there to begin with. Putting someone on the defensive with regard to their sexuality is something I consider a big, big no-go. If not for the moral implications, then for the sheer inefficiency. You admit this is a new relationship, so why not try simply letting him get sexually comfortable with you? If he's performing oral in the meantime, he seems willing to please you. Yes, it seems the sex sucks right now, but making them "issues," particularly early into things, is about the surest way for them to remain issues.

 

You refer to his "inadequacy," him being the "problem," and his "issues" surrounding sex. You mention having experienced emotionally abusive relationships... and you're getting real close to trying those shoes on for yourself here.

[belovedmay]

I am very concerned about his pleasure. I give him oral for long periods of time as his erection comes and goes - I am also not focused on sex as the end game, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want it and I don't care. I am being very gentle and caring, careful to not put him on the defensive, so I'm surprised that he is now trying to say that the problem is that I'm not coming fast enough. I will just let him get sexually comfortable with me as j.man suggests and let it ride. thanks

[reinventmyself]

he has started talking about how I come from oral sex, but not vaginal sex, like it's me that is the problem!! ..I am very sexual and it is definitely a 4 minutes max of sex window that I would have to come -.

 

I didn't know that women who didn't come vaginally was a problem. I don't know the odds but it may be the slight majority that don't?

 

So him pointing out the obvious - neither good or bad is blaming you?

If I understand what you are saying he's sharing with you that if you don't come vaginally to begin with, him finishing too early for you shouldn't be a problem maybe?

 

Sorry if I am missing the point here. I think you might be overreacting a little.

 

I agree with others. It's a very new relationship and you two are being very insensitive to each other.

[DanZee]

No, you're right about blame-shifting. When a guy has problems, especially a young guy in a new relationship, he tends to get frustrated and lash out at his partner instead of taking responsibility for himself. You should convince him to get you off first with oral sex and then he can shoot off, and you both have your pleasure. To shake things up, why don't you try various things to keep him hard like role playing, or talking dirty to him, or dressing up in sexy lingerie or getting on top of him. The best sexual organ is the brain, and if you can titillate his mind, the rest will follow.

[belovedmay]

thanks, his ED had been a problem for a long time. and I suspect that the premature ejaculation is him wanting to come before he loses his erection. i don't have a problem having orgasms, i just can't have them in the 2-4 minutes before he comes. it bothers me that he's trying to say that i can't have orgasms when i can and often, just not on a second's notice.

[ThatwasThen]

Is there even love in this relationship? The only thing you mention is sex. If there is only fondness (not love) and a lack of compatibility in the sex department then why bother remaining in a relationship with him?

[belovedmay]

There is love, yes. I wouldn't be trying to suss this out if it was just about sex.

[ThatwasThen]

There is love, yes. I wouldn't be trying to suss this out if it was just about sex.

 

Well, how long have you been dating him? You say this is your new boyfriend... how new? In any event, it takes more then you loving him to make the relationship a happy and healthy one. So far, you are not jelling in the bedroom when at the "new" stage you should be forgetting you're on the planet earth.

[reinventmyself]

thanks, his ED had been a problem for a long time. and I suspect that the premature ejaculation is him wanting to come before he loses his erection. i don't have a problem having orgasms, i just can't have them in the 2-4 minutes before he comes. it bothers me that he's trying to say that i can't have orgasms when i can and often, just not on a second's notice.

 

You have so many other options you haven't even begun to address here.

[SweetGirl28]

thanks, his ED had been a problem for a long time. and I suspect that the premature ejaculation is him wanting to come before he loses his erection. i don't have a problem having orgasms, i just can't have them in the 2-4 minutes before he comes. it bothers me that he's trying to say that i can't have orgasms when i can and often, just not on a second's notice.

 

Go to Amazon and type in c*** ring with clitoral stimulator. It will help him last longer with proper use plus you will,c*m vaginally because you will get the clitoral stimulation because it has a little vibrator that hits it. Or why don't you try reverse cowgirl where you can manually stimulate yourself while he's in you? I have lots of tips lol but I don't want to get into a sex ed class here when the issue is really him maybe just not feeling comfortable enough with you just yet. Frustration seems to be high here on both ends. Wondering why he needs you to c*m with intercourse. Does he feel inadequate if you don't?

If he pleases you other ways, it shouldn't really matter.

[dias]

Go to Amazon and type in c*** ring with clitoral stimulator. It will help him last longer with proper use plus you will,c*m vaginally because you will get the clitoral stimulation because it has a little vibrator that hits it. Or why don't you try reverse cowgirl where you can manually stimulate yourself while he's in you?

I like this answer!!

[SweetGirl28]

I like this answer!!

 

Lol!

I know you'll be keeping one on hand now! Haha :tongue

[belovedmay]

Wondering why he needs you to c*m with intercourse. Does he feel inadequate if you don't?

If he pleases you other ways, it shouldn't really matter.

 

I want to come with intercourse ! :) I can come many many times at home with my magic wand - I want to have a shared experience.

[SweetGirl28]

I want to come with intercourse ! :) I can come many many times at home with my magic wand - I want to have a shared experience.

 

Then buy what I said because it works lol but also try different positions until you find the one that will do it with him for you. But if you're both feeling stressed it won't happen. You need better communication with one another to relax. And he needs to last longer . Maybe for now try to wait until your about to c*m and then let him enter you since right now he's finishing fast.

[dias]

Then buy what I said because it works lol but also try different positions until you find the one that will do it with him for you. But if you're both feeling stressed it won't happen. You need better communication with one another to relax. And he needs to last longer . Maybe for now try to wait until your about to c*m and then let him enter you since right now he's finishing fast.

See OP, plenty of choices to pick!

[belovedmay]

I like that last idea. I can come really fast, just not immediately. :)

[SweetGirl28]

See OP, plenty of choices to pick!

 

I have more! Lol

[SweetGirl28]

I like that last idea. I can come really fast, just not immediately. :)

 

Good! Then try this with him and maybe he will be more relaxed when it happens and he will feel less stressed for the next time. He wants to please you, it seems.

Gradually introduce new things to one another. You can work this out if you really want to be together. Blah sex can turn into great sex with time, patience, and learning one another's triggers. Thats why I like ex sex so much lol, it's already all figured out and hot:)