*Why* would a guy stall on telling me if he is interested or not?

[Kfizzle]

Guys im in a bit of a pickle here. So I told this guy I like him and he says 'aw well, thank you! we will talk about it, when we are in private.' Ok so the day he said he wanted to talk, he all of a sudden couldn't because something .came up. We also still were not in private to where we could talk about it (we're roommates but only for 1 more week). I didn't press it, and He said if I wanted to talk about it later on in the week, we could. He's moving soon, but he said after all this that we were definitely going to still see each other after he leaves. I let him know that if he would rather us not talk about it, it would be perfectly ok, and then I said I had just wanted to get it off my chest, and that his answer (or lack of an answer) wouldn't change our friendship (which I was sincere and honest about).. But he said, 'no, we will definitely talk about it sometime this week.'

 

I've honestly never experienced this before. Usually, either the man lets me down easy from the get go, or he tells me 'great! When can we go on a date?"

 

But this stalling this guy is doing, I've never experienced before, so honestly have no idea what to think. (We are roommates, but only for another week, so figured it was a good time to tell him).

 

Men, what are your reasons for stalling on telling a woman whether you like her or by contrast, don't feel the same way she does? Help?? He gives me the signs that he is attracted to me: he teases me and pokes fun at me, he lingers when we talk after there's a good end point or conclusion to our conversation and he just keeps talking, he low key told our other roommate that he cares about me and really thinks I have a great personality and that he thinks I'm really pretty. I've also noticed that he gets a bit jealous when I talk about my friends and he wonders if any of them are male, and when I say, 'nope, mostly female,' he relaxes a bit. He's not really one for physical contact, though, and I can tell he's just like that in general. We both always burst out laughing at what the other person says. So guys, What gives?

[ThatwasThen]

Has he asked you out on a date?

Have you had sex?

Does he show you any form of physical affection?

 

"Aww well, thank you we will talk about it?" pffft.

[DanZee]

Well, he may be stalling so he can move out of the apartment without stirring up too much trouble. He may be gay or just not that into you. Do you know what his social life has been like during the time you've been roommates? I think you'll find out in a week or two when he's moved out what is the real story.

[Kfizzle]

Has he asked you out on a date?

Have you had sex?

Does he show you any form of physical affection?

 

Lol no, no annnnnnnnd...no. I just told him I had geelings for him last night, and he had no idea, apparently

[ThatwasThen]

Has he asked you out on a date?

Have you had sex?

Does he show you any form of physical affection?

 

Lol no, no annnnnnnnd...no. I just told him I had geelings for him last night, and he had no idea, apparently

I mean did he do any of those things BEFORE you told him you had feelings for him? If he didn't then I'm wondering why you would confess such a thing to someone who was giving you no clue that he felt the same???

 

I'm pretty sure he's not feeling the same way. Someone who was would NOT say "thank you, we will talk about it."

[j.man]

Because you're roommates and because he's likely trying to navigate a minefield of awkwardness before letting you down softly. I suppose there's a slight chance he could be stalling until he's moved out, but I'd emotionally prepare yourself for the former.

[sara-pezzini]

Lol this so reminded me of my ex! I told him i was in love with him and he said aw thank you but i will get back to you on this later hahaha left me quite baffled...... he never did but a few years after this we did get into a relationship of 5 years..... first time we had sex he left the next day and shook my hand and said we would be in touch hahaha left me baffled again.....

But during this time he was diagnosed with aspergers so that explained a lot lol...

But i think this is more because you're roommates......

But yeah i had a similar experience and people would have told me he wasn't interested either when in fact he was.......

[Kfizzle]

Original text: "I mean did he do any of those things BEFORE you told him you had feelings for him? If he didn't then I'm wondering why you would confess such a thing to someone who was giving you no clue that he felt the same???

 

I'm pretty sure he's not feeling the same way. Someone who was would NOT say "thank you, we will talk about it."

 

 

Thanks for you answer! So, in your world, you jump each other's bones BEFORE telling them you like them? M'kay, if that works for you. 😉 I just cant compute how that would work. I digress lol

 

well, there are other ways and signs, y'know, other than jumping each other's bones or getting all touchy feely with each other, yes? There are signs that lead up to the sex, to the touching, w/e. There were just instances such as the ones i described that ultimately led to me telling him. I'm not fond of physical contact either, even with people i really like, and nor is he. He doesnt have much of a social life other than hanging with his coworkers and a few friends who live out in the suburbs. Hes hardly ever had company over and he's definitely single. I asked him and he looked at me incredulously and said 'duh! Of course I am!'

Hes pretty reserved and quiet, and is just a person who doesnt really express his emotions very well (other people know this about him, as well), so he's not the most straightforward person when it comes to his feelings. Hes wound pretty tightly in those regards.

 

And Damn, can you give a girl credit for just giving it a chance and taking initiative when she saw some potential? He did ask me out the last two times we got together, though they arguably were not textbook 'dates.' Some people just like to take things slow, and im not sure how I didnt have preconceived notions of a possible interest on his end. Sheesh lol

[ThatwasThen]

There is always one exception to the rule which often gives someone false hope.

[sara-pezzini]

I wasn't giving false hope! I merely said what my experience was.....because it reminded me of that so much... memories..... but even if this was the same i would not advice it on anyone because it was extremely difficult and so was my ex! Would never do that again..... glad to have found someone who is uncomplicated now!

[ThatwasThen]

I mean did he do any of those things BEFORE you told him you had feelings for him? If he didn't then I'm wondering why you would confess such a thing to someone who was giving you no clue that he felt the same???

 

I'm pretty sure he's not feeling the same way. Someone who was would NOT say "thank you, we will talk about it."

The bolded above is something I said... *just to be clear*

Thanks for you answer! So, in your world, you jump each other's bones BEFORE telling them you like them?

Nope, didn't say that.

M'kay, if that works for you. 😉

Nope been in a very long term relationship so I certainly didn't say or allude to that either.

I just cant compute how that would work. I digress lol

Well, most times it doesn't. However: Some shows of affection, romantic interest, bonding rituals usually give you a clue that you should vomit your feelings out to someone. I'll assume, since you don't answer such questions that he's given you zero indication that he wants what you want.

 

well, there are other ways and signs, y'know, other than jumping each other's bones or getting all touchy feely with each other, yes?

Certainly, but it was you that suggested that that is what I was saying, when I was not.

 

There are signs that lead up to the sex, to the touching, w/e. There were just instances such as the ones i described that ultimately led to me telling him.

Nothing you discribe is an indication of romantic interest.

 

I'm not fond of physical contact either, even with people i really like, and nor is he.

You've discussed this then? You have decided that you're both a-sexual-like?

 

He doesnt have much of a social life other than hanging with his coworkers and a few friends who live out in the suburbs. Hes hardly ever had company over and he's definitely single. I asked him and he looked at me incredulously and said 'duh! Of course I am!'

how does any of that indicate to you that he might have romantic interest in you?

Hes pretty reserved and quiet, and is just a person who doesnt really express his emotions very well (other people know this about him, as well), so he's not the most straightforward person when it comes to his feelings. Hes wound pretty tightly in those regards.

you gave him a very easy chance to confess feelings if he had them. You are a sure thing yet he still didn't show you he had the same feelings.

 

And Damn, can you give a girl credit for just giving it a chance and taking initiative when she saw some potential?

I see no potential. Only you crushing on him and him not showing you any reciprocation.

I'd be giving you a high five for getting to the bottom of it if he was giving you indication that he was romantically interested but he's not even taken you out on a date.

 

He did ask me out the last two times we got together, though they arguably were not textbook 'dates.' Some people just like to take things slow, and im not sure how I didnt have preconceived notions of a possible interest on his end. Sheesh lol

Show me some things you think were reciprocal feelings for you? You've not given one example.

So... unless, like Sara has mentioned he is on the spectrum, I'd not be putting to much hope in a guy that thanks you for your feelings and then disappears.

 

Sorry, Just how I see it by the way you've painted it. *however, I do wish you luck in that he actually has feelings for you.

[Kfizzle]

Original quote: Lol this so reminded me of my ex! I told him i was in love with him and he said aw thank you but i will get back to you on this later hahaha left me quite baffled...... he never did but a few years after this we did get into a relationship of 5 years..... first time we had sex he left the next day and shook my hand and said we would be in touch hahaha left me baffled again.....

But during this time he was diagnosed with aspergers so that explained a lot lol...

But i think this is more because you're roommates......

But yeah i had a similar experience and people would have told me he wasn't interested either when in fact he was....

 

Wow, this is spot on! So similar, wow! I know it is a bit complicated to be attracted to people on the spectrum, but this is such a sweet story, nonetheless! Yeah you and me both: we're attracted to the toughies that are hard to crack when it comes to getting them to open up lol. Ive just never encountered someone who told me 'we'll talk later'. In my guy's case, I know he said it because it was due to privacy concerns (our roommates ARE very nosy), but i'll just have to wait and see! My sister in law was diagnosed with Aspergers, and they're soooo difficult to read! Amazing perspective, they have, but so tough to know whats going on in their head.

[sara-pezzini]

Well the end wasn't so sweet but yes the start was!

You just never know...... there can be many reasons but his response simply isn't normal, it was so similar that at first i thought you were talking about my ex lol...... he was also concerned about privacy and thought people were listening in or following him.... he spiralled out of control with that over the years....

I'm curious if he talks about it to you or just ignores it....

I'll look for an update! Either way good luck!

[Kfizzle]

ThatwasThen, you clearly have a black and white view of how different personalities show interest in others. Its just a system in your mind, when other people may in fact express themselves differently. I dont know if you read the part (I forget which segment i wrote it in, sorry) where This guy I'm interested in TOLD our roommate in secret that he DID in fact like me, because my roommate was noticing some things between us as we talked/hung out? I said nothing when i found out (the roommate who told me is our only other sane trustworthy roommate in the house, so idk why he would lie about it, when i didnt even ask him if the guy liked me, nor did he know I liked the guy - he just volunteered the info to me one day when we were talking). I just let things happen naturally, then when the chance presented itself, I decided to say something. I didnt say 'I like you too!' Indicating that the roommate told me about his crush on me. So....What in the world is wrong with that? And no, I didnt "vomit" anything out (cute verbiage, though lol). I am well aware of how courtship is done, thank you. Also, being able to tell if there is a possible connection. Hes given me,enough indicators *for his personality type* for me to believe that he is interested. I was just wondering if there are other reasons why a guy would stall on telling his possible interest, not if he is interested, and I was led by his answer to believe that i may have been wrong. I've dated a couple men with his personality type before, and i know how to read them a little better, but the way he presented it is just a bit confusing. Its kinda tough to understand someone's levels of interest if youve never dated an asexual before, but I dont know if he is (he does possess a lot of the characteristics of one, though), so i didnt pose that theory in my,original post (though im definitely not asexual lol)

[ThatwasThen]

I wasn't giving false hope! I merely said what my experience was.....because it reminded me of that so much... memories..... but even if this was the same i would not advice it on anyone because it was extremely difficult and so was my ex! Would never do that again..... glad to have found someone who is uncomplicated now!

 

I know Sara that your post wasn't to intentionally give false hope but as you can see by the Op's response, she is getting hope from it... which of course is what she's looking for and will keep her calm while she waits for his reply.

 

It's all good ;)

[ThatwasThen]

ThatwasThen, you clearly have a black and white view of how different personalities show interest in others. Its just a system in your mind, when other people may in fact express themselves differently. I dont know if you read the part (I forget which segment i wrote it in, sorry) where This guy I'm interested in TOLD our roommate in secret that he DID in fact like me, because my roommate was noticing some things between us as we talked/hung out? I said nothing when i found out (the roommate who told me is our only other sane trustworthy roommate in the house, so idk why he would lie about it, when i didnt even ask him if the guy liked me, nor did he know I liked the guy - he just volunteered the info to me one day when we were talking). I just let things happen naturally, then when the chance presented itself, I decided to say something. I didnt say 'I like you too!' Indicating that the roommate told me about his crush on me. So....What in the world is wrong with that? And no, I didnt "vomit" anything out (cute verbiage, though lol). I am well aware of how courtship is done, thank you. Also, being able to tell if there is a possible connection. Hes given me,enough indicators for his personality type for me to believe that he is interested. Ive dated a couple men with his personality type before, and i know how to read them a little better, but this one is just a bit confusing.

Sure he likes you, that doesn't mean he likes you romantically though. Most men will jump on the chance to be with someone they like romantically that has told them clearly that they feel the same about him. You will find out soon enough. Good luck, I hope you get your wish.

[Kfizzle]

ThatwasThen thanks so much. And im a big girl, lol I dont easily get hopeful, i was just wanting to hear other people's experiences and why men stall, not be berated like a child who doesnt know anything lol. I wasnt clear when it was made clear to me that he liked me: it is just easier to type than saying he has an interest in me - they talked about his interest in me, and he vouched and said he would date me. So....idk. I mightve been wrong, but he did say it to the roommate, and I am able to recognize the signs of romantic interest when I see it from men like him. Yes, you have a point, I could be wrong about it all. 😅 my roommate could just be a liar.

[Kfizzle]

Sara im glad you have found less complications. It is tough. And thats crazy how similar these guys are! Ill update this post on what he says, if he says anything lol. Thank you!

[sara-pezzini]

Sara im glad you have found less complications. It is tough. And thats crazy how similar these guys are! Ill update this post on what he says, if he says anything lol. Thank you!

 

You're welcome..... I'd say they're brothers but my ex doesn't have a brother lol......i hope that if he says something the rest will be much less complicated then with my ex cause i wouldn't wish that on anyone..... good luck and hope for a positive update!

[Kfizzle]

Oops I meant to say my half sister, not my sis in law lol. Ill have a sis in law someday, hopefully! Have no idea why i typed in-law....Egads 😂

[Kfizzle]

So, an Update: soooo he told me he was interested! We did end up having sex the other night, and it was AMAZING. (we were a bit tipsy, so he initiated and I was just....flabbergasted that he did, tbh).

 

Oh and Sara, I dont know what wavelength we're on, but hon, seriously, I think you posting on my thread was seriously some sort of psychic event - just that you happened upon my post and left your feedback and talked about your experiences. Like, are you actually my twin, in a different timeline in a parallel universe? But that the internet is the one loophole where our worlds collided? Haha I'm kidding. But girl, this is toooo weird, and I am honestly TRIPPING, because what is happening between me and my guy is DEAD ON to what you experienced with your guy. Not to sound weird, but I thought of your post as soon as this guy did this, and knew I had to give an update: hon, I PROMISE I am not making this up when I say that this guy ( I kid you not!) SHOOK MY HAND and patted me on the back after, (when we, ahem, did the deed lol), and then He just said 'please come visit me at my new place soon?' So, quick hug, handshake, peck on the cheek, and then byyyeeeee. Omg it was hilarious and so cute, I thought of your experience with your past guy immediately after my guy did this. 😅😊 'twas crazy!

[sara-pezzini]

Lol lol lol this was so much fun to read haha maybe they are the same guy after all lol but yes that sounds very familiar and brought a smile on my face remembering it.

Glad to have read this update! Best of luck with him and enjoy this high for a while, i know i did back then!!

[katrina1980]

OP, I'm sorry but I'm a bit confused by your last post.

 

So you are not actually dating, but you had hot sex and afterwards he shook your hand, patted your back and told you to come visit soon?

 

Do I have this right?

 

I agree with what you said earlier, feelings, expressing emotions are not always so black and white. Lots of different nuances and everyone is different in how they choose to navigate.

 

However, on it's face, this does sound like a hook up, are you ok with that? And taking him up on his offer to visit him for another hook up?

 

Not judging if you are, but you do seem rather excited about it all now, so wondering what your thought process is.

 

In any event, glad you had fun!

[Kfizzle]

Thanks Katrina! It was hot drunk sex, more or less. Lol. We're still hanging out, we'll just be living in different towns. He just said "promise you'll visit me", i actually dont think he mentioned anything about his new place in particular, now that I recall. Just visit him in his neck of the woods to go out places. Im sure his place will be one of them, but it wont be the only one. And nah, during sex and before sex, he told me he indeed wanted to date me, and was pretty clear and sincere about it. I wouldnt have hooked up with him this first time if he hadnt made that clear (although I guess a hookup is ok, every once in a while). Its obvious that neither of us were expecting the sex to happen so soon lol. Sooooo I'll just have to see.

[JaggerJim]

The guy didn't really have to do any work now did he? All you have done is set up a FWB situation with no boundaries in place. Were you really that desperate?