It was only a 2.5 month long relationship...but moving on is difficult

[Long Gone]

Hi all...first post here!

 

Probably best to give a bit of background. I'm 32 years old, and I've never had much success with women! My last girlfriend had been in 2005, and my last crush around 2008! In between those years I was caring for my Dad who was terminally ill for the past few years....in that time I didn't even think about relationships. Last August he passed away, which was a difficult time as one can imagine...he was my best friend.

 

In October I joined a dating sight designed for those who live rurally, and a week into joining I messaged someone. I was really proud of myself for having the confidence to do this, I've always been on the large size and lacked confidence. We messaged and met a week later. I sadly had become a bit infatuated that week (it was the first time I'd felt romantic feelings in 10 years). We met and got on well (I admit the infatuation had someone hyped things up, and obviously when you meet someone, it isn't always how we imagined.

 

She was a year out of a marriage and coming to the end of a divorce (they had been together for 10 year and had a little boy).... we had a second date, which didn't feel right....again I'd hyped things up the week previous with my infatuation. I honestly thought that would be the end of it, but we kept texting (we live 30 miles apart). Just over a week later we met again this time with her little 3 year old boy (I do feel now she shouldn't have introduced her little boy so soon. The date was just a snack and a walk to a play ground....but it felt incredibly special. A few days later we spoke openly about reservations... .. she said we might end up just friends but lets see where it goes.

 

We met up each weekend after that, a week or so later I told her in a text I really quite liked her, and she said she liked me too!

 

End of November she came to mine, (we'd kissed a few times at this point) and I said 'I guess I can call you my girlfriend'...her reply 'Yes I think so'..... it was after this that things changed, texts weren't as frequent although I went round to hers each week and we watched a film together... I thought it might because she was worried I'd suggest pushing things further.... We met up for a drink a few days before Christmas and things seemed absolutely fine.......(although I really began to feel anxiety because my gut felt something was wrong). Once Christmas came and went....she went very quiet, I'd hoped we would spend more time together with her little boy at his Dads.

 

3 days after christmas I was supposed to go over and see her, but heavy snow fall meant it was unlikely I'd get there...it was at this point that I had to ask her 'Do you still like me'....the text response was what I was dreading 'I think it's just a friend thing for me, I thought romantic feelings would come but they haven't.....I'd like to stay friends but understand if that's not what you want.'

 

I rang her, got a bit upset, saying how I'd become attached to her little boy, and she said she'd back off until I was ready. A week later a sent her a lovely message how I understand she didn't feel the same as me, I'd like to stay friends but I'm too emotionally bonded with her, and seeing others come into her and her little boys life in the way I wanted to be, would break me. She replied back thanking me for the lovely comments and hoping I meet that special someone....

 

And that was that....I've had NC since...I had some DVDs of hers and sent them back, she had some of mine but she hasn't returned them.

 

Heres the thing, I know I didn't love her....... and emotions seem to have got confused, when she began to go quiet with me before Christmas, I frightened I'd lose her. I think the grief and hole my Dad left....I was possibly trying to fill with her. I'd never been someone who wanted kids, but with her and her little boy....I could perhaps see the family I wanted.

 

I seemed to be doing ok until mid February and I went back on the dating sight, and of course her profile was active. In the end I knew I had to block her, and its then I saw a new photo she had added...a selfie she had sent me back in November....and I fell apart. I felt the lowest I'd ever felt in my life (probably sounds silly I know)....since then I've picked myself back up again....but I have moments, when my mind goes over things.... the times she clearly seemed to like me and be attracted... calling me cute, etc.... all the signs, then to be told there are no romantic feelings.

 

It's this that I struggle with, but I know I need to let it go.... I know I too wasn't sure on the relationship.... but then I feel these great moments that I miss having her to text, miss spending time with her, with her little boy.

 

I don't feel I can talk to people about it any more, it's nearly 3 months since she finished with me, and since I last spoke to her....I know we only saw each other for 2 and half months, but they felt like such a long time to me.

 

I've not felt any desires to message anyone on the dating site.......and I'm really at the point now where I just don't want to think about her.... but I have these thoughts sometimes, of what I'd say if we spoke...and it's driving me mad. I wish I could just switch it off!

 

Sorry for such a long post, maybe I didn't need to go into so much detail, but I thought it was better to give a proper picture of where I'm coming from.

 

Thanks

 

Tom

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately she wasn't in the right place for dating, going through a divorce. What this does tell you however is that you are ready to date again and soon someone will come along and things will fit better.

[DanZee]

Well, let's face it. You didn't fall in love with the girl, you fell in love with the idea of having a girlfriend. Obviously, you feel too deeply. You've got to lighten up. You can't put all your eggs in one basket. Go out on a few more dates. Try to think of the dates as making new friends rather than trying to find a wife. Don't put so much pressure on yourself. Dating is all about trying to get to know the other person, and sometimes you find a connection and sometimes you don't. But don't overthink the situation and try to relax.

[SooSad33]

I am sorry for your pains :(. Many here understand those 'feelings'.. as it's another 'loss' for you.

Loss is never easy.......

 

Yes, you could have had those feelings because of how she was and that it may be mixed with the loss of your father.

Either way, you say you felt something for her- but sadly, it didn't work out, so now you have to again deal with this...loss.

 

And Im sure it's a deep mourning feeling... been there :(.

 

It will linger for a while.. so might i suggest that you maybe seek some prof help? To help you with all of these emotions?

 

I doubt she was ready to move on again and 'able to give' what you were wanting.

I agree, her son should not have been involved so soon... but it's done now. Could be that you were both grieving... not good.

 

It could also be a form of.... lusting over someone, Having emotions come on way too fast for you, but most likely it wouldn't have worked out in the long run anyways. But, now you're stuck and have to work on accepting all of this anyways.

 

I feel you NEED time on your own. Take care of YOU... just you. So you can work on some more healing mentally & emotionally.

So, hopefully someday you CAN manage to reach out again and feel something again, in a more healthy manner. I doubt anything with her was anything good- for either of you at this time of your lives.

I know... it really hurts :(.

 

Take a good 6+ months to deal with this stuff.

I write a lot & I have been in therapy for over 3 yrs.... I knew I needed some help with my emotional issue's.

 

One day at a time... to move on and get over all of this that you've got hurting inside.

[Long Gone]

Well, let's face it. You didn't fall in love with the girl, you fell in love with the idea of having a girlfriend. Obviously, you feel too deeply. You've got to lighten up. You can't put all your eggs in one basket. Go out on a few more dates. Try to think of the dates as making new friends rather than trying to find a wife. Don't put so much pressure on yourself. Dating is all about trying to get to know the other person, and sometimes you find a connection and sometimes you don't. But don't overthink the situation and try to relax.

 

Hi DanZee

 

You make great points. Before we met and were messaging, we seemed to like so many things the same....I was besotted that it must be right. I did put far too much pressure on myself....I acted far too much like a teenager.

 

When things were going right....I began to wonder how much I liked her....stupidly I was telling myself this was my only chance to have something this good. I know how stupid that sounds.

[Long Gone]

I remember a few weeks in, after some jokey texts she had said 'It's hard to trust after being hurt, but sometimes you have to take a risk and open your heart'... it's just after all this....in the end the risk back fired.

 

I know she has massive trust issues, she told me that....and I totally understood it. The first date very much was made up with talking about her ex... it can't have been easy for her.

 

The hurt comes that she said she had been backing off purposely for a few weeks.... and I wish she had been straight with me and said far earlier...rather than hanging me on through Christmas and ultimately being so quiet that I had to ask her if she still liked me.

 

I very much appreciate the responses, it's certainly helping to talk openly about this.

[Long Gone]

Good Morning all

 

I had a really good evening last night, my mind didn't dwell on things and I think that comes down to the comments in this thread.

 

I had never really taken on board (rightly or wrongly) the fact that her divorce had just come through, and she was only a year to two after leaving her ex... 10 years of which. She had said early on that I had got further with her than any of her previous dates had....but ultimately, I don't think she was in the right place to be seeing someone....and I wasn't either.

 

It's weird but it's changed my whole outlook on the whole thing and made it easier to deal with.

 

Thank you all :)

[catfeeder]

Consider the experience as one of waking you up to the idea of finding love again. While the timing was unfortunate, you can open your mind to pursuing dating again someday when you're ready. The alternative would be to ruminate yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of, and who wants that?

[Long Gone]

Consider the experience as one of waking you up to the idea of finding love again. While the timing was unfortunate, you can open your mind to pursuing dating again someday when you're ready. The alternative would be to ruminate yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of, and who wants that?

 

Thank you :)

 

I totally agree, I also think as SooSad33 said, I need to give myself a few months to get me head straight.

 

My biggest issue at the moment is her creeping into my thoughts....I just want to let it go and honestly don't want to think about her. I find my mind will wander into the past, and that frankly isn't doing me any good.

 

I've just finished work for Easter break for 3 weeks. I'm just going to have to keep my mind active with my hobbies and getting out walking. I'd made a start in really pushing my weight loss and working out, but this lapsed over the past few weeks. I'm going to throw myself back into that.

[Wayne123]

I know how you feel mate.

 

I'm the exact same situation as you having dated a woman who is going through a divorce.

 

We learn tough lessons.

[Long Gone]

I know how you feel mate.

 

I'm the exact same situation as you having dated a woman who is going through a divorce.

 

We learn tough lessons.

 

Thanks Wayne, and my sympathies you are going through something similar, although reading your thread you've had things far worse than me, although I can see the similarities.

 

I think I was very naive thinking that if she is on a dating sight, she must be over her ex. I haven't forgotten the first date when she spoke a good 80% of the time about him and how he'd cheated on her. I felt so sorry for her.

 

Ultimately I brought a lot on myself trying to force my feelings....which essentially came back to bite me.

 

I'm going to the Doctors in the next couple of weeks and I'm going to enquire about some professional help.

[Wayne123]

You don't need professional help, it's just life, it hurts being rejected and time will make it so that you don't think back. You'll naturally forget.

 

The woman I dated would tell me about her ex daily, how horrible he is and how she wants rid of him etc. Then all of a sudden she tells me she's still in love with him and she loves me like a friend. Conveniently changed there.

 

It hurts like hell but you'll get over it. It's probably more damage to pride than anything else.

[Gymgirl71]

Hi all...first post here!

 

Probably best to give a bit of background. I'm 32 years old, and I've never had much success with women! My last girlfriend had been in 2005, and my last crush around 2008! In between those years I was caring for my Dad who was terminally ill for the past few years....in that time I didn't even think about relationships. Last August he passed away, which was a difficult time as one can imagine...he was my best friend.

 

In October I joined a dating sight designed for those who live rurally, and a week into joining I messaged someone. I was really proud of myself for having the confidence to do this, I've always been on the large size and lacked confidence. We messaged and met a week later. I sadly had become a bit infatuated that week (it was the first time I'd felt romantic feelings in 10 years). We met and got on well (I admit the infatuation had someone hyped things up, and obviously when you meet someone, it isn't always how we imagined.

 

She was a year out of a marriage and coming to the end of a divorce (they had been together for 10 year and had a little boy).... we had a second date, which didn't feel right....again I'd hyped things up the week previous with my infatuation. I honestly thought that would be the end of it, but we kept texting (we live 30 miles apart). Just over a week later we met again this time with her little 3 year old boy (I do feel now she shouldn't have introduced her little boy so soon. The date was just a snack and a walk to a play ground....but it felt incredibly special. A few days later we spoke openly about reservations... .. she said we might end up just friends but lets see where it goes.

 

We met up each weekend after that, a week or so later I told her in a text I really quite liked her, and she said she liked me too!

 

End of November she came to mine, (we'd kissed a few times at this point) and I said 'I guess I can call you my girlfriend'...her reply 'Yes I think so'..... it was after this that things changed, texts weren't as frequent although I went round to hers each week and we watched a film together... I thought it might because she was worried I'd suggest pushing things further.... We met up for a drink a few days before Christmas and things seemed absolutely fine.......(although I really began to feel anxiety because my gut felt something was wrong). Once Christmas came and went....she went very quiet, I'd hoped we would spend more time together with her little boy at his Dads.

 

3 days after christmas I was supposed to go over and see her, but heavy snow fall meant it was unlikely I'd get there...it was at this point that I had to ask her 'Do you still like me'....the text response was what I was dreading 'I think it's just a friend thing for me, I thought romantic feelings would come but they haven't.....I'd like to stay friends but understand if that's not what you want.'

 

I rang her, got a bit upset, saying how I'd become attached to her little boy, and she said she'd back off until I was ready. A week later a sent her a lovely message how I understand she didn't feel the same as me, I'd like to stay friends but I'm too emotionally bonded with her, and seeing others come into her and her little boys life in the way I wanted to be, would break me. She replied back thanking me for the lovely comments and hoping I meet that special someone....

 

And that was that....I've had NC since...I had some DVDs of hers and sent them back, she had some of mine but she hasn't returned them.

 

Heres the thing, I know I didn't love her....... and emotions seem to have got confused, when she began to go quiet with me before Christmas, I frightened I'd lose her. I think the grief and hole my Dad left....I was possibly trying to fill with her. I'd never been someone who wanted kids, but with her and her little boy....I could perhaps see the family I wanted.

 

I seemed to be doing ok until mid February and I went back on the dating sight, and of course her profile was active. In the end I knew I had to block her, and its then I saw a new photo she had added...a selfie she had sent me back in November....and I fell apart. I felt the lowest I'd ever felt in my life (probably sounds silly I know)....since then I've picked myself back up again....but I have moments, when my mind goes over things.... the times she clearly seemed to like me and be attracted... calling me cute, etc.... all the signs, then to be told there are no romantic feelings.

 

It's this that I struggle with, but I know I need to let it go.... I know I too wasn't sure on the relationship.... but then I feel these great moments that I miss having her to text, miss spending time with her, with her little boy.

 

I don't feel I can talk to people about it any more, it's nearly 3 months since she finished with me, and since I last spoke to her....I know we only saw each other for 2 and half months, but they felt like such a long time to me.

 

I've not felt any desires to message anyone on the dating site.......and I'm really at the point now where I just don't want to think about her.... but I have these thoughts sometimes, of what I'd say if we spoke...and it's driving me mad. I wish I could just switch it off!

 

Sorry for such a long post, maybe I didn't need to go into so much detail, but I thought it was better to give a proper picture of where I'm coming from.

 

Thanks

 

Tom

breakups are always hard, but the longer you stay in it, the harder it is. Just be glad, your doing it now before you get too emotionally attached. Now you can meet someone better and you will be happy you did. I wish I had broken up after 2.5 months not 1.5 years. Trust me

[Long Gone]

It's all really good points you make, and I really appreciate it.

 

There are a couple of other factors in there, one I lost my Dad who I'd been a carer for in August, and she sort of filled that void.

 

I'm just frustrated at 3 months after the break up, I've started thinking about her again (to be fair I didn't stop thinking about her, but she had become less frequent in my thoughts a few weeks ago). Ultimately I think I'm struggling because I'd always felt I'd had a purpose. When my Dad was here, it was to look after him.... when I met her, I could see us being a little family with her little boy (we got on really well)..... now I feel like I've no purpose in life, and I wonder if it's a fear of that which is subconsciously making me cling on to her mentally, even though I want to let this all go.

 

This is the reason why I'm looking for professional help. She was the first person I'd been attracted to in around 10 years, and my first girl friend in 12. I worry now at 32, that times is passing me by....however saying that, I don't think now is the best time to try and find someone else until I've sorted myself out.

[Long Gone]

Good Morning!

 

Well today starts my 3 week break from work (I'm a teacher). Two days ago a friend came over to stay and we went hill walking. He wanted to call at a place on our drive over, that me and the ex went to on our 3rd date...and although it was somewhere I'd been several times before, I'd not been since then. It was fine, and although I felt sadness fill up inside briefly where I looked where we sat and had lunch...it passed, and I think the fact it's now not my last memory of the place will help.

 

We did a 7 mile walk, which did me the world of good and actually was really useful to talk to him about it. He's my best friend, but I'm always courteous not to try and talk about the past all the time, I don't think it helps. But it was great to talk about the 'negatives' and hear his views on the relationship (he never met her, but I talked about my concerns at the time). Ultimately it's really helped put me in a better place.

 

So now whenever she comes into my mind, instead of dwelling which is so easy to do, I just say 'NO' and move my mind elsewhere.

 

I just need to stick at it.