old infidelity....trying to heal....need advice

[duchesstigerlily]

I wasnt really sure if I should put this in infidelity or trust issues but anyway...I'll try and keep this fairly short. Ok, my fiance and I have had a very, very complicated relationship. We met and instantly connected and started a relationship. He was only my second serious boyfriend and the first man I have ever slept with. I got scared off a bit because of his intensity (he's older then me...27 at the time we met and I was 20 almost 21). I ended up avoiding him and then eventually said some really hurtful things that ended in us not talking for a week. Once we started talking, things were tense most of the time and we had so many fights I cant even count (my mom says we didnt have a "real" relationship at the time since we hardly saw each other and DID only fight). After about 5 months of this, apparently he started seeing someone else...as a friend first but led into something more. Eventually our relationship started to improve and he ended it with this other person. For 5 months everything was great until I found out about this other "thing" in december.

 

I was devastasted but I had felt no reason not to trust him in those 5 months and everything had been wonderful. Basically, I didnt want to throw away a good thing. I now live with him and we're getting married in september. He has been awesome and hasnt acted suspiciously or done anything to make me have a valid reason to doubt him. He is always there for me if I want to talk about what happened and has answered my questions honestly. The thing is I sometimes feel like I CANT let go of it. I've gone so far as to snoop through his things and his computer...finding nothing of note except for your "generic" porn. I love him intensely and know he loves me but I can help but worry that he is going to want someone else eventually.

 

When he IS on the computer I worry he is talking to other girls. He used to have a password on his computer but took it off so I COULD access it (I dont though anymore). I just worry so much on and off and I dont want it to wreck what we have now and what we are going to have in the future. He is caring and sensitive towards me....he has brought up the cheating topic on his own and said that he is so sorry for that and he doesnt know why he did it and he thinks he was a really unhappy person at the time and that he acted selfishly.

 

What can I do to just get past this? I worry he's going to get sick of me being insecure (although he, himself, can be very insecure...having to make sure I love him and really am I happy and all that). He has even been willing to go to councelling sessions if I want to...although he wants to see if we can "do it" on our own first. He tells me that he will do anything he has to to show me that he loves me and only me and that what happened before was a mistake (let me say that we NEVER said "I love you" to each other during that bad period of time...his major mistake was not letting me go, at the time).

 

I just want to BELIEVE it....but I feel like I'm holding part of myself from him because I'm afraid to let my guard down....just "in case". I love him and want him and so leaving isnt an option. Has anyone gone through this before? What did you do to handle it? What should *I* do?

[RayKay]

Well, I think you will need to learn by his actions whether he can be trusted now, and it seems like from what you said he can.

 

You chose to forgive the past, but you definitely have not forgotten it, and you may never completely forget it. Nor should you. But you do need to learn to "let it go" in sense you will not allow it to keep hurting you and your bf over and over again in these ways through jealousy and insecurity.

 

Now those 5 months...was there an agreement to be exclusive to one another? After that fight, maybe he thought that this was not the case? I am not sure....

 

 

You two had a rough start in any case and it is still causing at least on your side a lot of trust issues. Problem is trust is INTEGRAL to a healthy relationship....you have already snooped and found nothing, and I really advice you stop snooping as it is only putting you into this insecure cycle that is not helping either of you.

 

He is open to counselling and I TRULY advise you take him up on that offer and go together - even if you WERE not having issues I would advise it as part of your pre-marriage preparation in order to learn proper communication and how to handle the situations that arise in marriage effectively....so even if you had never had a fight I would tell you to go, and so in this case I am really stressing it as important for both of you BEFORE you walk down that aisle.

[DN]

didn't have a "real" relationship at the time since we hardly saw each other and DID only fight). After about 5 months of this, apparently he started seeing someone else...as a friend first but led into something more. Eventually our relationship started to improve and he ended it with this other person. For 5 months everything was great until I found out about this other "thing" in december.

 

This may be the key - you may be worrying subconsciously that if you go through another bad patch he will do the same thing again. If that is true you need reassurance about that from him. But also remember that although you were in a relationship it was very rocky at the time and the commitment level on both sides was not strong - hence the break-up. But when he saw the relationship improve he ended the other relationship and chose you. The choosing you is important - he could have ended things with you and chosen her - but he did not - because he loves you.

 

Now he is making a much more serious commitment to you - marriage, and for the rest of your life. Although it is wrong to cheat on a girlfriend, it is still a different level of cheating once you have made promises. Shouldn't be, perhaps, but it is nevertheless.

 

Talk to him about your concerns - not to blame him for the past, or in any sense as a confrontation. Just to seek reassurance. If you can accept it, then you have made a commitment to him as well - that you now trust him.

[lovelynns]

+1 RayKay

 

You need some counselling. Go by yourself first, then bring him along. You *must* make sure these aren't emotional issues that would have come out anyway.