How to deal with someone slightly inconsistent

[Lovelavie]

So after 2 years officially single, I found someone that makes me happy in so many ways. We just clicked right away and things developed naturally. Unlike other guys I went out with, I don't feel under pressure with him, or that I'm forcing things. We don't get into fights, and for the first time in my life I can say I am actually having a healthy relationship. Also the fact that I've been through a lot in relationships and have grown a lot and become more mature about what I want and what I accept in a person. For a long time I haven't felt these butterflies in my stomach, with time I became a bit of a cold, distant person who didn't want anyone in my life. Being single and alone made me happy until I met this guy, and being with him became better.

 

I have this trauma from past relationships with guys that have lied and cheated, also everyone I truly liked in my life left me. It was never the contrary. I could never leave someone I loved. My last BF would lie about a lot of things and would be very inconsistent, breaking up with me all the time and that left a lot of scars that with time I got over, but now that I started this new relationship I've realized how fresh they still are to me. So I try to put these things aside and "accept" that this guy is different. And he really is. However, I'd say he's got these huge mood swings. Like one day he'll be extremely sweet and the other he'll be kind of distant (he's never rude or mean, he's just not happy and all over the place like he usually is) and I understand we don't have to be eagerly happy everyday, but these changes make it look like he's a whole different person.

 

Also this weekend we went to a festival and he kept ignoring me and not caring if I was there or not and that really hurt me. So later that night I talked to him about that and the next day he broke up with me saying he didn't want to hurt me because he knew I was right. He said he really is like that and he didn't want to make me sad. I told him I accept his flaws but he went on with this decision. He cried and said he loved me but couldn't go through with it. Hell, for the first time in two years I cried like a baby. It came to me that I really liked him, he wasn't just another random guy in my life.

 

The next day we talked and decided to work things out and he said he did want to be with me but that he needed me to understand that he was like that and I said that it was ok, I liked him the way he is, but it all seemed so confusing to me, in the end I didn't really get why he decided to break up, he said I was too good for him and I kept telling him that if that were true I'd be long gone. I don't need to be with someone who puts me down and if I chose to be with him is because I fell in love with him the way he is.

 

Thing is, I got this insecurity now that I didn't have before. Things were perfect between us until this happened. I'm attached to the way he makes me feel and it makes me scared of what could happen. Connections like the one I have with him is rare and I don't wanna lose it. I also now that I have to have self respect and love myself and that no one should cost my happiness of peace of mind, but I just want to know how I can deal with this inconsistency. I know he doesn't do it on purpose and it's far from an abusive relationship, but I want a balance between me being happy with him and also being understanding of the way he is without getting hurt and angry.

[Hollyj]

You do not accept major flaws, unless you want to continue your pattern of choosing inappropriate men. Why are you trying to punish yourself here?

 

Just because he is not as bad as your exes, does not mean that he is not a good partner choice. He is not a good choice. Dump him.

 

I think you need to be single and understand why you continue to choose messed up men, and feel you deserve so little. I strongly suggest counseling so that you can finally get off the hamster wheel. You have a long history of very poor choices. This is about you!

[thorough]

That's one thing you do not want is inconsistency, that'll drive you up the wall and when he does eventually break it off, you will be devastated. I dated some inconsistent men and it was a total mind F... Find a guy who is consistent, you will be much happier.

[shessofly]

I think you are experiencing very clear indicators that this guy is not going to treat you well. I think we sometimes choose future heartache by ignoring red flags. It’s early In the relationship. You might want to reconsider how much of your heart you want to invest in this guy.

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been dating?

My last BF would lie about a lot of things and would be very inconsistent, breaking up with me all the time but now that I started this new relationship I've realized how fresh they still are to me. He said he really is like that and he didn't want to make me sad.

[Lovelavie]

I feel sad because I wasn't looking for anyone, honestly I was doing just fine, there would be guys here and there but none that actually made me make the least of an effort to see them. It was just "meh". But with this guy, the first time we went out we spent 5 hours straight talking and time just flew and the next days were even better. He had been trying to go out with me for 3 months prior to the day we actually went out and it has been amazing ever since.

 

What is bothering me is now I have this insecurity installed and I don't want to come out as needy but it's almost as if now I'm paranoid something will happen at any moment.

 

I know the break up happened after a fight and we get along 95% of the time, but I don't want to break it off out of the blue either because it might not even happen again. What I know for sure is that if he does break up with me again instead of trying to fix things first I'll leave for good. I've been in a relationship like this and it's awful. But overall, he really is a great guy and I feel so happy around him.

[Wiseman2]

How was he "trying to go out with you"? Why did it take 3 mos? How many dates have you had?

the first time we went out we spent 5 hours straight talking and time just flew and the next days were even better. He had been trying to go out with me for 3 months prior to the day we actually went out and it has been amazing ever since.

[Lovelavie]

How was he "trying to go out with you"? Why did it take 3 mos? How many dates have you had?

 

We met through friends in common and started chatting on WhatsApp, but I didn't wanna get involved with him 'cause he was the ex of a girl that I knew still liked him and didn't want to have any headaches. I also "knew" we would get along right away so I kept my distance, but he kept coming back and I finally gave in (I did want to go out with him from the very first time we talked but given the situation I thought it was best not to).

 

After going out we started talking and seeing each other almost everyday. We spend our weekends together and he has introduced me to his family. I'd say things went a little fast but it's going ok for both of us, hasn't really been a problem.

 

I have always practiced the "don't get attached" philosophy and it has worked out for me for the past month (or year), but with him I want to make plans and stay together and it's hard not to care if we work out or not.

[Wiseman2]

This is way too much too soon and it IS causing problems because he's pushing back from this suffocating amount of time together. Try to maintain your own life friends interests and activities and pull back on this overwhelming amount of too much too soon too together too often. That's why he's pulling back so much. He doesn't have a chance to breathe, no less miss you.

After going out we started talking and seeing each other almost everyday. We spend our weekends together and he has introduced me to his family. I'd say things went a little fast but it's going ok for both of us, hasn't really been a problem. I have always practiced the "don't get attached" philosophy and it has worked out for me for the past month

[Lovelavie]

This is way too much too soon and it IS causing problems because he's pushing back from this suffocating amount of time together. Try to maintain your own life friends interests and activities and pull back on this overwhelming amount of too much too soon too together too often. That's why he's pulling back so much. He doesn't have a chance to breathe, no less miss you.

 

I know, to be honest, I let him make the first decisions, he was the one that wanted to see me all the time and I played along, but I also don't want to lose my individuality. We started things very intensely and did a lot of things together that now I've gotten used to having him in my life. I don't want to be a burden but I also don't want to feel like I have to force myself into things I don't want to do.

[Wiseman2]

Reflect if this tendency to be all in way to soon and get clingy is looking like "inconsistent behavior" in your relationships when men want to cut back on the smothering.

[katrina1980]

Based on your original post , it would appear your BF has many fears and anxieties surrounding commitment.

 

Those with commitment fears/anxieties have a tendency to swoop in fast and strong, only to pull back and push you out (in your case distance himself or break up with you) once "reality" hits.

 

Once he gets enough distance, the pressure is off, he starts missing you, wants you back. Rinse repeat.

 

There is a lot of push/pull, him pulling you in, then pushing you away, it becomes a never-ending vicious cycle, and it doesn't matter what *you* do, what *you* say, or how much "space" *you* give him, this is about HIM and his fears and anxieties.

 

One thing I like about him is that he is aware that something is "wrong" (within himself) and has shared that with you.

 

By doing so, he has given *you* the choice of either staying and accepting he has these anxieties and as such, there will always be times he will need to distance himself and push you out, or you choose *not* to stay and walk away.

 

It takes a very long time and a lot on introspection, self-reflection and self-awareness to overcome these types of fears/anxieties so don't expect him to be changing anytime soon.

 

If you choose to stay, just know and expect that this man needs *a lot*'of distance and may not ever be able or even have the desire to fully commit (in the standard sense) and unless you are okay with that, might be best to walk away and look elsewhere.

[Lovelavie]

 

If you choose to stay, just know and expect that this man needs *a lot*'of distance and may not ever be able or even have the desire to fully commit (in the standard sense) and unless you are okay with that, might be best to walk away and look elsewhere.

 

I am starting to realize this and to be honest I'm getting sick of it. There are days he won't stop talking and there are days he'll read my texts and not even answer, when I can't even ignore anything he sends me.

 

I keep feeling guilty for something I didn't do. I blame myself because I think he has fallen out of love with me. I don't want to beg for attention but I'm starting to get annoyed at how the moment he texts me I answer him within seconds and when I text him something he won't even answer. I think I'm just going to distance myself and put in my head that I can't be with him. I think I might be getting involved in an emotionally abusive relationship. It's sad how I was so in love with him and things were going so great and now I'm seeing him with other eyes. I'm not sure if my conclusions are correct, but if they are, people are so deceiving...

[Wiseman2]

Don't drop everything and reply asap.

I'm starting to get annoyed at how the moment he texts me I answer him within seconds and when I text him something he won't even answer.

[katrina1980]

I am starting to realize this and to be honest I'm getting sick of it. There are days he won't stop talking and there are days he'll read my texts and not even answer, when I can't even ignore anything he sends me.

 

I keep feeling guilty for something I didn't do. I blame myself because I think he has fallen out of love with me. I don't want to beg for attention but I'm starting to get annoyed at how the moment he texts me I answer him within seconds and when I text him something he won't even answer. I think I'm just going to distance myself and put in my head that I can't be with him. I think I might be getting involved in an emotionally abusive relationship. It's sad how I was so in love with him and things were going so great and now I'm seeing him with other eyes. I'm not sure if my conclusions are correct, but if they are, people are so deceiving...

 

It's uncanny how many times I've heard women involved with commitment phobic men say they feel they are being emotionally abused.

 

The behavior is certainly similar but not sure if the dynamic behind the behavior is the same.

 

One (commitment issues) has to do with fear and anxiety, the other has to do with power and control.

 

If you do choose to stay, you're gonna have to have a very thick skin and have the ability to not take things personally.

 

This is not about you, or anything YOU are "doing," but more to how HE is "feeling" (suffocated, pressured). They are his own personal demons at work here, NOT anything you are doing or saying, please remember that.

 

You will also need to be very flexible and extremely independent. Your own life, interests, friends, etc. It's a very distant RL in general, but it suits some people quite well believe it or not.

 

There are many books about this, shoot me a PM if you want to know,;I have a brother with huge commitment fears/anxieties and have become quite adept at recognizing such behavior.

 

I also suffer from my own share of commitment anxieties, not as bad as when I was younger but still struggle sometimes.

[Hollyj]

I feel sad because I wasn't looking for anyone, honestly I was doing just fine, there would be guys here and there but none that actually made me make the least of an effort to see them. It was just "meh". But with this guy, the first time we went out we spent 5 hours straight talking and time just flew and the next days were even better. He had been trying to go out with me for 3 months prior to the day we actually went out and it has been amazing ever since.

 

What is bothering me is now I have this insecurity installed and I don't want to come out as needy but it's almost as if now I'm paranoid something will happen at any moment.

 

I know the break up happened after a fight and we get along 95% of the time, but I don't want to break it off out of the blue either because it might not even happen again. What I know for sure is that if he does break up with me again instead of trying to fix things first I'll leave for good. I've been in a relationship like this and it's awful. But overall, he really is a great guy and I feel so happy around him.

 

"he needed me to understand that he was like that" He already told you that this is who he is. He will not change.

[reinventmyself]

Read up on `intermittent reinforcement in relationships' and you might find yourself there.

 

It's how casino's stay in business. The psychology behind winning (or getting your needs met) and then being denied. You stay pulling that lever hoping for the payoff, because you already have so much invested. You inconstantly get the pay off so it keeps you hooked thinking you'll get it once again. But the waiting in between becomes painful and lose yourself (or your money) in the meantime.

 

You started this post with the title that he was `slightly' inconsistent. But that's not the truth. He is routinely inconsistent and told you so. You agreed to stay on his terms.

I think the more you become honest with yourself you will see that this is unacceptable. Definitely unacceptable in a romantic relationship.

He flat out ignores you and you accept it.

 

One of the things I look out for while in the early stages of dating, is consistency. I don't care if you call me once a day or once a week.

I am on the look out that you will do so consistently. I deserve someone I can count on. And I won't get involved with someone I can not.

 

I hope you recognize that you need and deserve more for yourself. This is one is just plain rude and neglectful.