Day 1- pregnant, Day 2 - Boyfriend ends relationship

[Koala2018]

Hi everyone

 

I've been with my boyfriend since summer last year and we mostly had a great time. There had been 2 underlying issues that had been bothering me for a while which were that he seemed to often prioritise other things over our relationship to the point where we hadn't spent a weekend together in 6 weeks. The other was my desire to move 200 miles away to be near my family. This had been my aim before I met him, and I'd been upfront about it, but there just hadn't been any job opportunities. We hadn't seen each other for the last 2 weeks but he knew the prioritisation issue had been bothering me so we agreed to speak by phone. We were meant to meet in person but that didn't happen for reasons I won't go into.

 

On the phone call we hashed out the time issue, but then I brought up the relocation thing. I told him that I was likely to move soon due to an Occupational Health recommendation, to which he said "well that's that then. There's no work for me there". There is work (he freelances for a start) but he just obviously isn't that bothered. It cut me how matter-of-fact and cold he was about it. This is a guy who has told me he loves me and asked me to move in with him not long ago (I said no because we haven't spent enough time together yet).

 

The conversation finished with me telling him I'm pregnant (I'd found out the day before) and was going to have an abortion. Please don't judge me on that, it was unplanned and it's mainly health reasons. I wasn't going to tell him at all but my friend convinced me I should. He offered to emotionally support me with the abortion but I told him I'd prefer to cut ties (abortion is free in my country). I don't want someone who has just discarded me so abruptly to be with me during that. He messaged me twice again today offering more help/support (not just with the abortion but more generally) which I know means in theory he's saying all the right things.

 

The more I think about it all, the more upset and angry I am. I'm so upset that our relationship is suddenly over and so coldly as I haven't felt this way about someone for a long time, and also that I'm left with this situation now. I know he's offered to support me but I'd rather be alone with it than "supported" by someone who suddenly doesn't want me anymore. That would feel like fake/pity support.

 

Any advice?

x

[MissCanuck]

OP, I have to admit I am confused. You say he ended the relationship, but this actually reads like you did.

 

He doesn't want to move where you do, but it doesn't appear as though you were willing to compromise either. What choice was he left with if you were planning to go anyway? Not having good job prospects is a valid reason not to go, but it appears you're personalizing his hesitation and interpreting it as a sign he doesn't care.

 

You then tell him you're pregnant and going to abort. Again, it doesn't seem there was any discussion about that. I don't take issue with your decision to end the pregnancy, to be clear, but it really doesn't appear that you were willing to talk about it with him. Heck, you weren't even going to let him know, which seems very odd. What more could he have done in this situation? You announced that you are moving, pregnant and seeking an abortion - think about the triple whammy he's just been delivered, here. I think he's doing the right thing in trying to offer you emotional support, but you are the one rejecting it and presuming he's only doing this out of pity. I am not sure that's entirely fair.

 

I am not saying he's perfect, and I do have sympathy for you. This isn't a fun situation to be in. He might indeed not want to be with you anymore anyway; if you felt he was always prioritizing others than you are likely right that he was losing interest and checking out. But I can't totally get on board with painting him as a villain either, unless you are leaving out certain details which would suggest otherwise.

 

Why hadn't you seen each other for 2 weeks? I know you said you don't want to talk about it, but I get the impression there's a wider context to your relationship that might help fill in the blanks for posters here. Is he married or something?

[DanZee]

Wow. MissCanuck said it all. It sounds like you ended the relationship. He asked you to move in with him, instead, you said, nope, I'm moving 200 miles away, come with me if you want. He said he couldn't. You're leaving him, he's not breaking up with you! Then he tried to help you through your abortion and you cut him off. You said you didn't want his pity. I don't understand why you're upset except for the fact that you couldn't manipulate him into coming with you. It's your choice to leave, not his. You've decided he didn't want you any more despite his claims to the contrary.

 

Since you've already made the decision, I would advise you to move back to your family and move on with your life. But there's nothing to be upset about other than the choices you yourself have made.

[ThatwasThen]

I don't think you're thinking clearly. He's offered to support you through your procedure and you've declined so if you're feeling lonely about it, then that's on you.

 

Twice you have cut off your nose to spite your face:

First time when you systematically announced your decision and making him think that you were leaving because you didn't suggest he follow you when he finds work.

Second time when you turned down his offer for support when you clearly need it.

 

I recommend you swallow your pride and figure out a way to compromise if you actually want to be with him. He's not abandoned you at all it seems. I suspect he's feeling you are the one doing all the abandoning.

[figureitout23]

So much manipulation going on here. OPer you really gotta stop with this behavior, it's not healthy.

[Cope]

I have to agree with the other posters. It is indeed a bad situation to be in, I mean the abortion part, don't feel bad about it by the way, but I have one question. Why was it too soon for you to move in with him but not too soon for him to move 200 miles away with you?