Could he be cheating?

[Sploosh79]

I have really awful anxiety so please don't bag on me. I've read through some posts and some people can be so mean.

 

First off, I've always had awful anxiety and not exactly trust issues but when something comes up I overthink.

 

My fiance and I have been together for 2 years. There have been a few things in the past that were probably very small but I worried about them way too much and made sort of a deal about them. And if my fiance is true to what he says, he's a saint for putting up with my anxiety, but he knows how much I worry about everything.

 

So he's always taken his phone everywhere with him and is kind of secretive about it and reluctant for me to use it if I need to, like his phone has data, mine doesn't. Whenever he's on his phone and on something like messenger or Snapchat and I walk up he normally exits out of it. But scrolling on Facebook and ifunny he stays on it.

 

I asked to use his data on his phone the other day and he was really reluctant to give it to me and said it was in his pocket and we were in the car (him driving) but he's never had an issue getting it out of his pocket for himself.

 

We were working on our new flooring and he went to cut a few pieces of wood and left his phone to cut some. Pandora was playing on his phone and it stopped so I went to look at it and saw he had missed Facebook messages from a girl named Madison (also my name). I was curious and read a little bit. She said something about how since he's not in receiving anymore she can't be there to annoy him. And he sent some pictures of our dog.

 

I got off when I saw him walking up and decided to try and weed the answer out of him rather than being upfront. Normally he tells me about all of his coworkers, and I tell him about mine. Because we don't really have that interesting of lives other than working all the time.

 

We were looking for someone else to hangout with so play cards with and I asked if he had any close friends. (I looked this girl up and she's 20 minutes from us from her profile) and he said no. He does have another female friend that he has talked openly about. But not this girl. And I do consider after being at work for 3 days (he just started) and already following this girl on Facebook and Instagram and messaging her I would consider that a friend. I also asked him if he made any new friends at work, he said no, he'd only been there for 3 days.

 

I then asked if his work hires women, not blatantly, we were on the subject. He works in a warehouse and the last warehouse he was in there weren't women except those who drove the trucks. And he said he wasn't sure, there weren't any in his group.

 

Although just the other day he was talking to this girl from his work.

 

So it kept eating at me and I confronted him. He got upset. Is that usual for someone who is innocent? And he said she's just a co-worker and she's engaged and so are we and be would never do anything to jeapordize our relationship. And I asked why he didn't say anything about her as he gives me the news about basically everything at work, so much news I can't keep up with who is who. And he said he didn't think it mattered and that he didn't think it mattered to talk to her since she is engaged. (That doesn't stop people)

 

I also mentioned how he said he didn't know that women worked where he works but he had been talking to her. He said he guessed he forgot. He said that at work they were talking about her dog so he showed her our dog over messenger. Not only did he get upset of being accused but he also was going to go for a "drive" before I said why waste the gas.

 

I hate to think he's doing anything. He hasn't acted any different really. It freaks me out because when we first started talking that's what we first talked about. What dogs we had. And he mentioned how she's engaged to someone in the military but my brother got cheated on while on duty, so what stops her. Some women are "home wreckers".

 

It also bothers me because she is really pretty. And I'm very self conscious and have gained weight since I've been with him. It doesn't seem to phase him, but still. I don't want to bring it up and beat the dead horse but it's still bothering me and his story doesn't match up. But I feel like if he explained more it would make me feel better.

[rosephase]

He got upset. Is that usual for someone who is innocent?

 

Yes, you were showing him that you don't trust him. That's upsetting. You were digging through his stuff trying to get him in a lie. That is an awful way to treat your partner. You either trust him or you don't. If you don't trust him why are you with him?

 

Is he cheating? no idea. Nothing sounds way out of line. Do you have a history of snooping on him? Do you have any reason not to trust him?

[SweetGirl28]

It seems he's hiding something, and him exiting out of messenger and snapchat when you're around would make

me wonder what is up also. The new work girl, well he knows you get jealous and insecure and it increases your anxiety so maybe it's why he doesn't tell the truth. Maybe your constant questioning of him irritates him and so he friends other girls just to escape the anxiety you have which is deflected onto him(not saying he's right if that's what he's doing, but it happens). Unless you have evidence of him being unfaithful, I wouldn't push the issue. You can actually cause someone(I use the word "cause" lightly because if someone cheats it's a conscious decision to do so) but feeling unhappy and

constantly in defense of yourself can have people looking outside their relationship.

If I were you, I'd find ways to better manage your own emotions before you drive him away. And if you find out he's being unfaithful, which he very well may be, then leave before you're married to him.

[Sploosh79]

Yes, you were showing him that you don't trust him. That's upsetting. You were digging through his stuff trying to get him in a lie. That is an awful way to treat your partner. You either trust him or you don't. If you don't trust him why are you with him?

 

Is he cheating? no idea. Nothing sounds way out of line. Do you have a history of snooping on him? Do you have any reason not to trust him?

 

He has lied to me before and kept things from me. He used to hangout with his ex behind my back (with other friends) and I was told by my friend the day of and he told me days later. Exes for us are a no go. Especially the one he was with as she didn't respect her boundaries.

[rosephase]

He has lied to me before and kept things from me. He used to hangout with his ex behind my back (with other friends) and I was told by my friend the day of and he told me days later. Exes for us are a no go. Especially the one he was with as she didn't respect her boundaries.

 

If you don't trust him, why are you with him?

[Sploosh79]

It seems he's hiding something, and him exiting out of messenger and snapchat when you're around would make

me wonder what is up also. The new work girl, well he knows you get jealous and insecure and it increases your anxiety so maybe it's why he doesn't tell the truth. Maybe your constant questioning of him irritates him and so he friends other girls just to escape the anxiety you have which is deflected onto him(not saying he's right if that's what he's doing, but it happens). Unless you have evidence of him being unfaithful, I wouldn't push the issue. You can actually cause someone(I use the word "cause" lightly because if someone cheats it's a conscious decision to do so) but feeling unhappy and

constantly in defense of yourself can have people looking outside their relationship.

If I were you, I'd find ways to better manage your own emotions before you drive him away. And if you find out he's being unfaithful, which he very well may be, then leave before you're married to him.

 

My last relationship was very abusive so it's hard not to be on the defense at times. And I don't ask constantly. Only when something comes up that spikes my anxiety, something like this. I know snooping is bad, but I feel many women have been continuously cheated on and what could've stopped it is if they found out for themselves. But if she never goes with her gut instinct she has to catch him in the act or he tells her himself.

[Sploosh79]

If you don't trust him, why are you with him?

 

I never said I didn't trust him. Have you never found something that your partner does that seems a bit off and makes you wonder? I don't spend everyday worried he's cheating. It's something that came up that worries me. And not saying I have trust issues, as if I did I don't think I'd be with him for as long as I have, I would be asking him everyday what he's been doing and not let him talk to any girls, that's not how it works, I have anxieties and when something worries me I can't stop thinking about it. It's not that I dont trust him.

[reinventmyself]

He has lied to me before and kept things from me. He used to hangout with his ex behind my back (with other friends) and I was told by my friend the day of and he told me days later. Exes for us are a no go. Especially the one he was with as she didn't respect her boundaries.

 

Well then, you better watch your back.

Why do you continue to tolerate someone who lies to you and how can you trust him?

 

About the phone thing - I typically watch some ones attachment to their phone. It's very telling.

I dated someone a few times who guarded their phone like it was a bomb about to go off. He would take it in the bathroom and leave it in his car. Yeah, . He had girlfriend.

Then there are those who leave theirs out and don't give it a second thought. My current guy will hand his phone to me and ask me to look up something.

The other day while at his house he asked me to change the music from his playlist and told his password to his ipad . . I don't think I would do that but I appreciate his transparency.

I am somewhere down the middle. I tend to be pretty private, yet I have nothing to hide. I might not offer up my phone but if needed I wouldn't mind.

[rosephase]

I never said I didn't trust him. Have you never found something that your partner does that seems a bit off and makes you wonder? I don't spend everyday worried he's cheating. It's something that came up that worries me. And not saying I have trust issues, as if I did I don't think I'd be with him for as long as I have, I would be asking him everyday what he's been doing and not let him talk to any girls, that's not how it works, I have anxieties and when something worries me I can't stop thinking about it. It's not that I dont trust him.

 

Well it sounds like you have two choices. Either you get into therapy for your anxiety. Or you dump this guy that sneaks around with his exs, hides his phone and his work friends from you.

 

I think you need to understand that you DO NOT trust him. You don't go through someone's phone if you trust them. And it sounds like he's given you some reasons not to trust him. It also sounds like you have a lot of anxiety. Only you can sort out how much of either/both of these are causing the issue.

 

Have you had trust issues in past relationships? Do you get anxiety about other things in your life?

[SweetGirl28]

Well I'll be brutally honest with you, and say that you have no business getting married when carrying past baggage into this relationship with you. You must overcome it. You cannot project your past onto this guy. It's possible you picked the same type of guy as your abusive ex, because unless you deal with it properly, it's a pattern that you will be attracted to the same type. I know, I've been through it. So the last ex, maybe was physically/ verbally abusive, maybe he cheated,and now your current guy is secretive that you think he's hiding everything. But he really could be just on the defense because you get upset over other girls. You cannot have a healthy relationship minus trust. You either have it, or you don't. Even if other girls want to hit on him, you'd have to trust that he won't act upon it. And I'm getting the feeling you don't think he won't.

[reinventmyself]

I never said I didn't trust him. Have you never found something that your partner does that seems a bit off and makes you wonder? I don't spend everyday worried he's cheating. It's something that came up that worries me. And not saying I have trust issues, as if I did I don't think I'd be with him for as long as I have, I would be asking him everyday what he's been doing and not let him talk to any girls, that's not how it works, I have anxieties and when something worries me I can't stop thinking about it. It's not that I dont trust him.

 

"He has lied to me before and kept things from me"

He lied to you in the past and when asked just recently, his go to is to lie to again. Yet you have the issues?

You do not trust him for good reason. You trying to rationalize it and make it more about you will cause you anxiety.

Anxiety is often due to something you are not acknowledging or due to when you lie to yourself.

 

Your anxieties are not necessarily causing the problems.. . the problems are causing the anxiety.

[SweetGirl28]

I never said I didn't trust him. Have you never found something that your partner does that seems a bit off and makes you wonder? I don't spend everyday worried he's cheating. It's something that came up that worries me. And not saying I have trust issues, as if I did I don't think I'd be with him for as long as I have, I would be asking him everyday what he's been doing and not let him talk to any girls, that's not how it works, I have anxieties and when something worries me I can't stop thinking about it. It's not that I dont trust him.

 

 

It actually IS that you don't trust him, because if you did, it wouldn't cause you the anxiety in the first place.

He lied to you. Whether he feels he needs to, or because he's being unfaithful and flirting, who knows.

You need to have evidence of something flirty or inappropriate being done. And get your anxiety managed better.

[Sploosh79]

 

Have you had trust issues in past relationships? Do you get anxiety about other things in your life?

 

I've only had one past relationship which was abusive. He was very controlling and limited what I wore, who I was with, and who I spoke to. I got into the habit of doing the same since I only thought it was fair. This was a high school relationship, so no I was not very smart and didn't know what I was doing.

 

I have anxieties about everything. Getting lost, getting stuck somewhere, not having enough gas to get home, stupid stuff like that. My mom has anxiety and depression. I'm guessing I got it from her.

[DanZee]

Well, I don't think he's actually cheating, that is having sex with someone else. It depends on whether you think that simply talking to another woman is cheating. Some women do.

 

In any event, what are you going to do about it? Do you think that throwing it in his face and arguing about it is going to bring him closer to you? You'll only push him away more. I would advise you to say you're sorry and admit that you're the jealous type. Let him have friends and trust him. Most guys are not cheaters, but they do like to talk to girls every so often. Ironically, a lot of the time, it's the way their wives act at home that drive husbands to other women. You've heard the old line "My wife doesn't understand me." It's usually true. The best thing you can do is be nice so he doesn't have a reason to cheat.

[SweetGirl28]

Join AAA. Then if you get stuck or run out of gas, they will come to you. I have it and have used it many times.

 

That will alleviate the anxiety over that.

[Sploosh79]

Join AAA. Then if you get stuck or run out of gas, they will come to you. I have it and have used it many times.

 

That will alleviate the anxiety over that.

 

Oh I have that and I have something that my brand new car came with as well and my anxiety still gets to me.

[sara-pezzini]

Last year in February you also thought he was cheating and with good reason i might add..... so i wouldn't trust him either to be honest.....

[Sploosh79]

Well, I don't think he's actually cheating, that is having sex with someone else. It depends on whether you think that simply talking to another woman is cheating. Some women do.

 

In any event, what are you going to do about it? Do you think that throwing it in his face and arguing about it is going to bring him closer to you? You'll only push him away more. I would advise you to say you're sorry and admit that you're the jealous type. Let him have friends and trust him. Most guys are not cheaters, but they do like to talk to girls every so often. Ironically, a lot of the time, it's the way their wives act at home that drive husbands to other women. You've heard the old line "My wife doesn't understand me." It's usually true. The best thing you can do is be nice so he doesn't have a reason to cheat.

 

I can't agree with this. If you want to cheat then leave. If someone thinks their wife misunderstands them and feels the need to find love elsewhere then why stay? I am in no means, mean. Jealous and anxious sure. I've never ever told him he can't talk to women. But if I'm going to casually message a dude I would tell him. Just because I think he deserves to know.

[SweetGirl28]

Oh I have that and I have something that my brand new car came with as well and my anxiety still gets to me.

 

Aww, I honestly don't know what to say to this :(

But I'm really now thinking that you're causing the suspicions on your fiancé leading to his behavior.

You have to find a way to better manage your emotions.

[Sploosh79]

Last year in February you also thought he was cheating and with good reason i might add..... so i wouldn't trust him either to be honest.....

 

I gave him the benefit of the doubt since I truly didn't know. It's not an issue in our relationship now so why bring it up?

[sara-pezzini]

Why bring it up? You don't realize? Well then I'm done here... you choose to trust him after he so called butt texted you're sexy to another woman?

Yeah then clearly you don't listen to the advice on here so I'm not wasting my time any further....this is a pattern clearly and to answer your question which you asked for a reason, yes he could be cheating!

[rosephase]

I've only had one past relationship which was abusive. He was very controlling and limited what I wore, who I was with, and who I spoke to. I got into the habit of doing the same since I only thought it was fair. This was a high school relationship, so no I was not very smart and didn't know what I was doing.

 

I have anxieties about everything. Getting lost, getting stuck somewhere, not having enough gas to get home, stupid stuff like that. My mom has anxiety and depression. I'm guessing I got it from her.

 

I think you should consider therapy. It can really help with dealing with anxieties. And maybe it could also help you sort out if your partner is someone you feel safe with long term. It's okay to ask for help. You are in a complicated situation. Gaining insight over your anxieties will help you sort out a lot of sh*t around what issues are yours and what issues are his.

 

And hey, what you are going through is hard. You are struggling with it because it's hard. Not because you are weak or stupid.

[SweetGirl28]

Ahh, and some truth gets revealed. There's no possible way to butt-text "you're sexy" . That requires thumbs lol

Why are you engaged? Did he feel pressured to put a ring on it to try to calm your fears? Do you have a wedding date set?

[Sploosh79]

Why bring it up? You don't realize? Well then I'm done here... you choose to trust him after he so called butt texted you're sexy to another woman?

Yeah then clearly you don't listen to the advice on here so I'm not wasting my time any further....this is a pattern clearly and to answer your question which you asked for a reason, yes he could be cheating!

 

I'm not going to accuse unless I know. Why would I set myself to think he's cheating if he's not? And that's not exactly what the text said. It wasn't that clear. And as I said I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I'm just asking for opinions and what people think. I'm not looking for people to force me to do something. I listened to what people said. I just didn't act on them because at the end of the day the only person who knows is him. So I'm just here looking for advice. Not to be told what I HAVE to do.

[Sploosh79]

Ahh, and some truth gets revealed. There's no possible way to butt-text "you're sexy" . That requires thumbs lol

Why are you engaged? Did he feel pressured to put a ring on it to try to calm your fears? Do you have a wedding date set?

 

That's not exactly what the text said. It said "as is your sexy". Not sure how much sense that makes. There were no texts before that or after it. And it was supposedly to an older coworker of his. And again I don't know what happened. I talked to my mom about it after it happened and she said it's/possible/ it was a mistake. And I don't know for sure. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Because other than my suspicions, he's a great guy. And that's all they could be, just suspicions, because as I said, I worry a lot. I've received butt texts before and he has typed out whole names with jumbled letters. And how smart phones work, it comes up with what is texted the most. If I text in I on my phone, the next thing that pops up is love you, because it's often texted.