Should I be more clear or back off?

[maew]

Hi everyone!

 

I have been texting a guy for a couple of weeks now, and I am looking for some insight as to whether I should be more assertive or I should back off.

 

Background: we matched on Bumble, but we have actually known each other for a number of years. I met him years ago, while I was still with my husband... he belonged to the same recovery community, and he was very close with one of my best friends. I didn't pay much attention to him as I was married, just that he is an attractive guy.

 

Fast forward to last year. He had fallen off the wagon so to speak, and had found his way back to the community in the summer. I noticed a bit of chemistry, but I wasn't interested in pursuing it at the time.. he was in no position to date anyone, and I don't pursue people that are just finding their feet.

 

We matched a couple of weeks ago, and chatted a bit... he gave me is # so we could chat outside the app. I checked in with our mutual friend about him, i.e. how is he doing, what does she think of us texting / dating, and she was actually very supportive. This is a friend who thinks pretty much everyone she meets isn't good enough for me lol

 

We have been chatting, and slowly getting more flirty. I after a week or so of texting he hadn't made a move to ask me out, even for coffee, so I said "Well texting is fun and all but we should make a plan to do something in person one of these days." he agreed, but still hasn't made a move to ask me to do anything. He continues to text and be very flirty and ask me lots of questions.

 

Logistically, it might be really hard for us to date anyway... he works 4pm-12am Monday to Friday, and I work 7-4 so there is zero chance for us to get together during the week... the weekends there is a little time, but he needs to focus on continuing to build a strong foundation for himself.

 

My question is... do I take the fact that he hasn't asked me out yet as a sign that he isn't interested in dating me? Or should I be more direct and just suggest a plan? Was my message too vague? I never know what to do in these situations, because so many blogs, forums and books say women should NEVER pursue, which includes directly asking them out... that if the guy hasn't asked you out after a couple of weeks they probably never will or were never that interested to begin with.

 

Thoughts?

[DanZee]

Gee, what blogs. forums and books have you been reading? I didn't realize there were blogs dating from the 1940's and 1950's.

 

Seriously, though, he may not be ready for dating. Is he still in recovery? And as you pointed out, you couldn't see each other on weekdays. You could ask him out for coffee or lunch on the weekend if you want to at least bring up the subject of dating or find out where he is in life.

 

And when it comes to dating, don't play hard to get. It just comes off as being uninterested.

[Jibralta]

I would take his lack of initiative to mean that he is not interested.

[catfeeder]

Remind yourself what the recovery community has advised everyone on forming relationships during the first year of sobriety.

 

Also, how long has your divorce been finalized?

[maew]

Thanks for your advice all.... always good to get an objective point of view!

 

catfeeder of course I am aware of this, it isn't a policy or in any of the literature, but it is guidance given to new people and with good reason. I would never have considered it except that our friends suggested we go for it, and we both have a very solid support system in place.

 

Re Divorce: We are in the process of finalizing the divorce, we have been separated for over two years now. There is 100% no desire on either side for us to get back together.

 

I had a good conversation with this fellow last night, he asked me what I was looking for, so we talked about what we wanted and shared a little about some of the baggage we are carrying around etc. In the end we decided that we would try dating and see how it goes, with no pressure.

 

In the meantime, I am content just living my life and being happy either way. :)

[katrina1980]

 

We have been chatting, and slowly getting more flirty. I after a week or so of texting he hadn't made a move to ask me out, even for coffee, so I said "Well texting is fun and all but we should make a plan to do something in person one of these days." he agreed, but still hasn't made a move to ask me to do anything. He continues to text and be very flirty and ask me lots of questions.

 

 

I wouldn't ask him again. You asked him once, he KNOWS you're interested and want to meet him.

 

What would bug me is that he agreed, but then doesn't follow through, but yet continues to text and be flirty.

 

Perhaps being in recovery, he's just not ready yet, which is perfectly understandable.

 

However, for me, I much prefer a man just be honest and say he isn't ready to meet rather than agree but not follow through.

 

I don't know tough call.

 

If this were me, I think I would continue chatting (assuming you are having fun enjoyable chats) back off on the flirting, and continue meeting and dating other guys.

 

Lower the expectations (or better yet don't have any, at least not yet) and if he does step up and asks you out, see how you feel then.