My girlfriend is in Cuba with her ex-husband & children and it's killing me.

[Usa1ah]

Just because they're separated (for 11+ months), doesn't mean she needs to have a divorce on paper to date somebody. Also, I've met her children numerous times and spent quality time becoming their friend...mostly in the summer/early fall. I was known to them as their mom's good friend and we were very careful not to give them the wrong impression, I never stayed the night or did other "boyfriend" type things.

 

Around the same time in the summer (this was recently uncovered), her husband (who has his own place) invited a strange woman over while his family (including his two girls) were there, got drunk and they had sex in the room next to the girls and asked them not to tell their mother. At least the woman I'm dating was very careful and never asked her children to lie about anything.

 

So I have a good relationship with her girls, they were recently told that their mother and I dated in the spring, that we're best friends and care for each other. Her next step will be to tell them we're dating in the present tense (and she'll tell her husband the same). I think it's a healthy approach but what I'm not happy about is how she has a hard time saying no to her husband who likes to pop in and check up on her, see what she's up to, who she's with, etc. If you didn't read my previous comments, it was recently revealed that he had her friend spying on her and giving her information and acting inappropriately with this friend.

 

I also don't like the fact that since October, he's made a habit out of dropping off his girls around the dinner hour so he could stay, have a meal, hang out and then say it's too late for him to drive home and crash on the couch. I don't like how he's been playing the victim for the past 11 months and manipulates his children and everyone else that will listen after he spent the summer being a douche and the past 7 months spying on her and acting inappropriately with her friend.

 

Is any of this making sense yet? lol

 

Yes it is starting to. She is very protective of her little ones.

 

Start being there when the ex drops off the girls.

[patientman]

Yes it is starting to. She is very protective of her little ones.

 

Start being there when the ex drops off the girls.

 

Unfortunately, when she came out with the truth about her relationship, it was told in past tense. As in, we were dating in the spring but we're best friends now.

She thought telling by telling her husband and her girls EVERYTHING, that we've been dating the whole time, it would be too much for them.

So her plan is to tell them all that we're dating again NOW....whenever she decides that time is right and ease me into their lives as a boyfriend, not just the friend they knew and know now. Yes, she really should have told them everything but I understand that her girls could really resent me.

 

I'm giving her 2 months to show some progress or I have to let her go. If she doesn't start setting some boundaries for her husband who comes and goes as he pleases and makes every Sunday night and every single holiday, birthday, etc. miserable for me because I'm a secret, he gets "family" time not only with them but even with her parents (they don't know yet). This vacation is supposed to be "closure" for him (his words). The trip to Cuba he's always wanted to take and the family vacation with the girls he's always wanted. She wants this for him and for the girls (their first time flying, first big family vacation). There's no reason she can't stop the Sunday night dinners/crashing on the couch, the holidays spent as a family, etc.

I'm not going to remind her how uncomfortable I am with these situations anymore. She knows and she knows she has to do something about it. Ball's in her court.

[wom360]

The denial is strong in this one.

[MissCanuck]

Unfortunately, when she came out with the truth about her relationship, it was told in past tense. As in, we were dating in the spring but we're best friends now.

She thought telling by telling her husband and her girls EVERYTHING, that we've been dating the whole time, it would be too much for them.

So her plan is to tell them all that we're dating again NOW....whenever she decides that time is right and ease me into their lives as a boyfriend, not just the friend they knew and know now. Yes, she really should have told them everything but I understand that her girls could really resent me.

 

I'm giving her 2 months to show some progress or I have to let her go. If she doesn't start setting some boundaries for her husband who comes and goes as he pleases and makes every Sunday night and every single holiday, birthday, etc. miserable for me because I'm a secret, he gets "family" time not only with them but even with her parents (they don't know yet). This vacation is supposed to be "closure" for him (his words). The trip to Cuba he's always wanted to take and the family vacation with the girls he's always wanted. She wants this for him and for the girls (their first time flying, first big family vacation). There's no reason she can't stop the Sunday night dinners/crashing on the couch, the holidays spent as a family, etc.

I'm not going to remind her how uncomfortable I am with these situations anymore. She knows and she knows she has to do something about it. Ball's in her court.

 

Her parents don't know what, that they've split up?

 

OP, you are essentially The Other Man here. Do you really not see it?

[Wiseman2]

That is the plight of being the other man.

If she doesn't start setting some boundaries for her husband who comes and goes as he pleases and makes every Sunday night and every single holiday, birthday, etc. miserable for me because I'm a secret.

[patientman]

Her parents don't know what, that they've split up?

 

OP, you are essentially The Other Man here. Do you really not see it?

 

Of course I know I'm the "other man" despite she and her husband being separated.

And she hasn't told her parents that we were/are dating yet.

[MissCanuck]

Of course I know I'm the "other man" despite she and her husband being separated.

And she hasn't told her parents that we were/are dating yet.

 

No, that's not exactly what I meant.

 

She and her husband aren't really broken up. Yeah, he's moved out for now but they are not finished and it's leaning further towards a reconciliation between them than an official split. She's letting it happen, too.

[Usa1ah]

When does she get back?

 

You are only the other man if she cheated on her husband with you. Like before they were separated.

[jerbare1959]

No matter what you do- they have children together - u can’t change that no matter how big a loser he is- two suggestions - act like it doesn’t bother you which is huge I know. Be patient and if you love her and you think she does you- she should come around

 

Does she know it drives you crazy? Does she love you enough to pick you first ? Tine will tell. Be mature - that does help- if she is worth it- be gentle and kind to her - read up on what love truly is- it will change your stance on what jealousy can be

[JCSK]

Hi Patient Man. Oh my goodness I have so much I want to say but am far to busy to write all that I want to write! I have been in the position of both your girlfriend and you! So firstly, many people might not like what I'm going to say but if you haven't been in a situation like this yourself then it is very easy to see it from a cynical, black and white perspective. My ex, whom I have three children, with was very lovely to other people but was rude, patronizing and very, very lazy with me. I worked six days a week, often taking the children with me to my secondary job as a cleaner whilst he surfed, sailed, played football and went to the pub. But he was a happy and chilled guy in front of others and many people, other than my neighbours and family who had more of a view into our daily goings on, could not understand why I wanted to leave. When I did, I saw a side to him that I had never seen before. He became very manipulative but was also very emotional and actually quite unstable. One night, when he had the children he got really drunk and drove his car to a neighbouring town to pick up some young girl he'd met and crashed the car and rolled it. Leaving my young children alone in the house for several hours before police got there and called me at 4 in the morning to come and collect them. That was quite a night I can tell you. Anyway, for a good year, maybe more, after the break up it was so hard finding a balance. I had a met a man who I fell very much in love with who I had been friends with years earlier, he had just split with his long term partner and mother of his children. Although my feelings were growing I told him nothing could happen until my relationship was well and truly over, and I stuck to that. But shortly after it was over I found it very hard to deny my feelings, he felt the same. And we got together. We had to, we were so deeply in love. My ex was all over the place, making threats to get custody of the kids one day, trying to turn all my friends against me the next but then a week later he would cry and get really emotional. He wanted to keep me close but hated me at the same time. He would do the same, drop the kids off and stay for ages, sometimes for the whole evening and sleep on the sofa. Once I let him do that and I woke up to find him asleep on my bedroom floor! People's opinions ranged from, be harsh with him, don't be too nice and give him false hope, to be very gentle with his feelings, he's emotional and hurt and needs kids glove handling for his own sake and the children's. Going back to my new partner, with whom I was genuinely more in love with than I ever thought possible. Well he got diagnosed with terminal cancer and a year later, he died. Had I taken the advice of many and the advice you have been given here, I never would have got to spend that year with him. It is also very difficult to deny your feelings of love for a whole year. I guess what I am getting at is that I was in your girlfriend's situation and I did want to sever the ties with the father of my children but it is very, very difficult sometimes and it does take a long time. It's very easy for people to think she's playing you along and still wants him but there were times that I felt totally stuck trying to keep my new partner happy and maintaining the emotional welfare of my children and their father.

Ok, so fast forward to seven years later and I became very good friends with a customer of mine with whom we shared many mutual friends so I saw him out a lot socially. We knew each other for a few years and for the last one it was getting quite obvious that our feelings were growing. It was also becoming increasingly obvious that his marriage was in a complete state of melt down and he was very unhappy. They had also been together for twenty years.When it finally broke down everything went nuts for months. He moved into the spare room in his house for many months as she wouldn't let him leave, threatening similar things: she would turn the kids against him, not let him see them etc. He was in a terrible state, so desperate to leave but his kids were his world. he'd stated many times that the only reason he stayed so long was because of them. But the eldest daughter especially was getting very upset as she was hearing her rants and raves through the walls. One time she pushed him down the stairs and another time punched him in the face, such was her rage at him wanting to leave her. So throughout these few months I was trying to support him and as we grew closer the inevitable happened. I know I'm putting myself out here a bit now as people will no doubt frown on the moral implications of what we did. But from my perspective, I had found love again, which I never thought I would. And I knew, even before I fell for him, that sooner or later the marriage would be over,as did all of our mutual friends. Our relationship of course had to remain secret, things were bad enough as they were. And even when he moved out we were very private until one day the ex's friend saw me leave his flat one morning and our relationship became known. But even after that we had to keep things very much on the low down. His family had to adjust to the idea of him and his wife splitting up before they could even start to develop a relationship with me. It was well over a year before he told his colleagues he had left his wife and I'm quite sure, three years down the line that many of them still don't know about me, even now! But really I don't care about that. Waiting to be acknowledged as your partner's significant other is very hard indeed and I had to be extremely patient. They too went on holiday as a family after we had got together (when he was still in the spare room) but he had warned me she was planning it and she had done a very good job of manipulating the children by getting them all excited about it and telling them he was coming, and he simply felt like he had no choice. He was afraid to tell me that he had finally given in and left it until the day before to announce it. Again, he was in the same position as I had been in the past and where you gf is now. So at least I had the historical perspective. I was heartbroken but had to accept it. This was only for a few days though and not abroad. Twenty years of relationship is a long time and it takes a good deal of time to untie all of the practical and emotional issues, especially when there are children involved. But I did wait, and I was patient and understanding and now we have a house together, his family and friends all like me and most importantly, all the kids get on great and we have a fantastic relationship with each other's children. And a year ago we actually did the modern day acknowledgement of a real relationship, we put it on facebook! It sounds so childish now but I finally felt that I was not someone that did not have to be hidden anymore. It will take time and you have to be cautious and tbh the reason I am on here is that I have recently posted about some problems we are having. But that said, we do love each other very much and I can never regret the time, strength and emotion I have invested. I so know how you feel right now. But if you truly believe that she loves you as much as you love her (and only you can really know that - we don't know her) she will find a way through this and you may well get your happy ending. That said, always exercise caution, protect yourself emotionally and physically and keep your wits about you. I was physically and verbally attacked by her friends and family when it all came out, to the point where I had to get the police involved. You must accept that a situation like this is long haul, but judging by your username, I think you already know that! All the best, and remember you are not alone.

[MattB714]

Bit of a complicated story here but I'll try to be brief...

I've been with my girlfriend for a year now...she was married but left her husband of 18 years shortly afterwards. We were friends before that.

It's been an up and down year because until a couple weeks ago, he didn't (nor did her 11 & 16 yr old girls) know that we had dated. She gave them SOME information...that we dated in the spring, we're best friends, still hang out, etc. Her husband (they've been separated since March) has a history of alcoholism, emotional/physical abuse. She recently found out that her best friend was watching her then reporting to her husband and giving him some information. She was devstated that these two people she thought she could trust would betray her the way they did.

 

She had been planning a trip to Cuba with her girls since the summer....and more recently the ex-husband and her girls had asked about him going. This was his "dream" trip for 10 years, it's the girls' first vacation, etc. and my girlfriend wanted to do this for the girls and him. Up until the final days before she booked the trip, there was no plan for him to go. She sprung it on me after she booked it.

 

She made it clear to him that they were only going as friends and they have separate rooms to share with the girls. I have no reason to believe she'd be unfaithful to me as I know how much she struggled hiding our relationship as long as she did.

 

They left for Cuba today. It's eating me up and I'm climbing the walls. She wants their relationship to be amicable but hasn't set any boundaries. He's been playing the "poor me" card for almost a year now and she feels "bad" for him most times.

 

But here I am, waiting for her to msg me one way or another....feeling like the "other man" for a year now. I'm not in a good place.

 

I was in the same position / still am I don't know anymore troubled waters. My girl is very close to her ex. It's weird. There are pictures of them dancing and drinking together without their Daughters there. They take pictures like an in tact family. It makes me feel like a side guy screwing up a good thing. I don't know what to do about it because everything else is amazing about her and us. I don't want to lose her but I'm torn between am I being insecure and jealous or a complete idiot and weak with no self respect or dignity. I don't want to lose heron principal but also can't live with her not seeing the conflict of interest and disrespect here.

[JCSK]

I was in the same position / still am I don't know anymore troubled waters. My girl is very close to her ex. It's weird. There are pictures of them dancing and drinking together without their Daughters there. They take pictures like an in tact family. It makes me feel like a side guy screwing up a good thing. I don't know what to do about it because everything else is amazing about her and us. I don't want to lose her but I'm torn between am I being insecure and jealous or a complete idiot and weak with no self respect or dignity. I don't want to lose heron principal but also can't live with her not seeing the conflict of interest and disrespect here.

 

Now that is a bit much... photos of them dancing and drinking together?? That is not on at all. I really feel for you. It hurt me knowing that my partner had to go out a couple of times with his ex with the kids but I knew categorically that he didn't want to do it and would text me saying how miserable he was. That is just plain disrespect and had he told me he was going out for fun with his ex, without the kids because they wanted to stay friends I would have found that a bit of a hard pill to swallow. You are feeling insecure and jealous because that is how she is making you feel and that is because you DO have dignity and self-respect and you know that deep down it's wrong. You need to be straight with her. Tell her what you said above. You don't have to be friends with your ex to be good co-parents. I get on perfectly well with my ex now, he has moved on, is married and we co-parent very well. But closeness, friendship, going out together, no way! Feeling like the 'other person' is hard, not just because you can't find your place but also many people can be cruel about it as they haven't been there and they think it's your fault for getting yourself into that situation. But the heart often makes very illogical decisions for us and the brain is running around frantically after it trying to make sense of this crazy situation you've found yourself in!

[jimthzz]

...the heart often makes very illogical decisions for us and the brain is running around frantically after it trying to make sense of this crazy situation you've found yourself in!

You will do this until you see the pointlessness of it all.

 

Then you will move on. She is not available.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. I think this may be the main attraction

She is not available.

[JCSK]

They have been separated for months but still too intertwined. I am no less attracted to or in love with my partner three years on as I was when he was in this situation. It's not always about yearning for what is just out of reach.