He hit me once

[Hollyj]

Why didn't he change with the ex? This problem is ingrained, Plus, he's an alcoholic, too! UGH! Why are you with someone like this?

 

I would say no. He has no intention of changing his behavior.

[ThatwasThen]

You have children. To stay with him is to subject them to an angry alcoholic. That is akin to you abusing them with your need to be with this cretin.

 

Please get your own therapy so that you learn about good personal boundaries and you gain the confidence to leave men you may still love if they are abusive to you and to themselves through their alcohol addiction.

 

Your children are already trying to cope with the breakup of their parents marriage. They certainly don't need a mother who would rather stay with a drunk who shows his anger then with their father.

 

Sorry to be so straight up about this with you but it's sad to read your attempts at justifying continuing on with him.

[boltnrun]

It doesn't matter --- you need to go. Let him figure out his life on his own. You deserve a man who would not dream of hitting someone and does not abuse drugs or alcohol

 

I agree.

 

She just asked the question about if he got help, etc., could it get better. It made me wonder if HE offered to seek help or if she is just hoping he decides to.

[Shiloh]

You have children. To stay with him is to subject them to an angry alcoholic. That is akin to you abusing them with your need to be with this cretin.

 

Please get your own therapy so that you learn about good personal boundaries and you gain the confidence to leave men you may still love if they are abusive to you and to themselves through their alcohol addiction.

 

Your children are already trying to cope with the breakup of their parents marriage. They certainly don't need a mother who would rather stay with a drunk who shows his anger then with their father.

 

Sorry to be so straight up about this with you but it's sad to read your attempts at justifying continuing on with him.

 

My kids have a very stable father already.

 

The abusive partner, we are a mixed family at the moment. So he has two and I have two. They are never subjected to him. We haven't seen eachother's children for a long time now. It's the way I had decided it would be since the incident. Unfortunately, his kids didn't see him hit me that evening but they did see me crying on the floor at the aftermath. And then I left his house. We don't live together, we are in a long distance relationship. Just giving you all some facts here. We may see each other at this time once a week. And there was a time there where it was 4 weeks not seeing each other.

 

I really appreciate all of your posts. They are wonderful and really helping me here. I am in full time work and my children are a bit older and in school and their father and I share them 50/50 and it works so very well. My kids are very well adjusted, happy and settled after me being separated from their father for 7 years now. We've worked very amicably.

 

It was almost 2 years of a loving relationship with this man before he got angry one night and smashed a plate in the sink. He was remorseful yes but that's no excuse.

 

A few weeks later, when he had too much to drink, he threw a wine glass in the sink. It was so close to hitting my eye, a piece flew out. Then, I should have left. Then late last year it happened.

 

He thinks he's in that small percentage that won't reoffend. No he hasn't had therapy. He went for a consultation for an hour, didn't like the therapist then didn't go back. We've had disagreements since and he hasn't been angry at all, he's kept his composure. But I'm still unsure about all of this and whether he can change.

 

I guess my biggest question was "can they change?" - has any men actually got help and been fine? At the moment, we are not seeing each other. Since this forum opened, I made the decision to have a break. He's upset but agrees that he's stuffed up big time. Also, the distance is very hard when we both have our children 50/50. There's some weeks where we don't see each other and frankly, sometimes I believe that moving on with someone else way down the track that lives in the same city as me, that isn't abusive in any way, would be healthy and better.

 

It doesn't stop you from loving all their good points does it? That's the hard part.

 

As for your comments, no amount of words can describe how much you've helped me. So thank you.

 

S

[boltnrun]

But he's not getting "help".

 

He walked out on the help.

 

And why would finding a nice man who doesn't throw things or hit you be the less attractive option???

[lukeb]

I agree with everyone that you should leave this guy, the type of violence that you are dealing with is what I would call "mate guarding" behavior. You may have had your problems before but this really escalated when he found out you were chatting with this other guy. There are other types of domestic violence where an argument escalates where it turns physical. Women are actually well represented in that type of violence as well, and there is some reason to think that through changing how you BOTH communicate that things can get better. I am less optimistic here. Mate guarding is kind of a "masculine" type of behavior backed up by millions of years for evolution. If you are having difficulties in your relationship that throw doubt and insecurity into the mix, chatting and flirting with other guys online or in real life can escalate things very quickly and dangerously.

[Fun Boater 1]

Google these topics and start reading:

 

"cycle of abuse"

"toxic relationship"

"trauma bonding"

 

Also type in Google "why women stay in abusive relationships". There is a plethora of articles, websites and resources you can utilize that will help you understand the completely negative and toxic dynamic that appears to exist between you and this man.

 

You need to establish firm boundaries, leave him, get an order of protection, and get professional counseling to help you understand why you refuse to terminate your relationship with this ABUSER. Because he IS an ABUSER. He has anger issues, and apparently sees nothing wrong with striking a woman, even a woman he professes to "love", such as yourself. And you should be seriously questioning that "love" and realize that he probably doesn't "love" you. How can you hit someone you love? What he does love most likely is the control he excersizes over YOU, and he "loves" manipulating you. What you are describing here is almost textbook and classic "toxic/abuse relationship" scenario - albeit in it's early stages. And it will only get worse with him so DO SOMETHING about it NOW and break the pattern before it turns into a cycle. Save yourself the anguish, emotional and physical pain, and heartbreak and break free NOW!

[Fun Boater 1]

Here is a great article on the concept of "trauma bonding". It may apply to your situation and I strongly suggest you read it and see if you can identify things in your toxic relationship. There are many articles such as this one online.

 

 

rauma bond

ian dooley / Unsplash

 

People often don't even realise they are in an abusive relationship.

It can be hard for others to understand why someone stays with an abusive partner.

It's often because of something called "trauma bonding," where you become addicted to the hormonal rollercoaster an abuser sends you on.

Those who have never been in an abusive relationship struggle to understand how people remain in one for so long. If somebody was mistreating you, "why did you stick around?" they ask.

 

For survivors, this can be a really tough question to answer. The lucky ones escape, and stumble upon articles or books that give them the terms to be able to understand what happened to them, and thus describe their experience. Other times, though, this doesn't happen, and people might not even be aware they were in a relationship that could be classed as "abusive."

 

This is because we are conditioned to believe abuse is always physical. On TV and in films, we see characters who are obviously evil. They are violent to their partners, shout at them aggressively, or even murder them in a fit of rage. While this does happen, it's not a true representation of the abuse many others experience.

 

According to therapist Shannon Thomas, author of "Healing from Hidden Abuse," psychological abuse is insidious, and it occurs a over time like an IV drip of poison entering your veins.

 

It starts with an off-hand comment here, or an insult there, but often victims brush these moments off. This is because abusive people are great at pretending to be everything you're looking for in a partner, and they love bomb you with affection. Victims tend to believe this is the abuser's real self, and when the mask starts to slip more and more, they believe its "out of character" and it must be their own fault for making their partner angry.

 

People stay in these relationships partly because they are trying to win back the abuser's affection. However, Thomas told Business Insider that victims also become biologically attached to their abusers through something called "trauma bonding."

 

It's like an addictive drug.

It's a bit like becoming addicted to a drug. A psychologically abusive relationship is a rollercoaster, with punishment and then intermittent reinforcement of kindness when you "behave." This means the body is going through its own turmoil, with high levels of the stress hormone cortisol, paired with dopamine when given affection as a reward.

 

"You have this back and forth, and the body becomes addicted," Thomas said. "When we’re looking for something that we want, that we once had, which is a connection with somebody, and they are playing cat and mouse where they are pulling it back and forth, then the body really does become dependent on having that approval."

 

This hormonal rollercoaster really takes its toll on someone's body. Victims might find they break out in acne, even though they've always had good skin. They might have chest pains. Thomas has said that in her practise she has even seen her clients develop autoimmune disorders.

 

"Their bodies start to shut down, and they start really struggling with chronic pain, migraines, and some arthritic type pains and conditions, and they just can’t fight infections as well," she said. "The body really can only take so much stress."

 

Victims stay in these relationships despite of the stress on their bodies, because often it isn't clear to them what the problems really are. Through gaslighting, control, and intermittent love, the abuser has their partner backed into a corner of self-blame and desperation of trying to win back the affection of the person they love.

 

Unfortunately, for many people, when they try to leave these relationships they are so bonded to their abuser that they return. Others don't try to leave at all, and are only freed from the clutches of the abuse when they are discarded.

 

An abusive relationship with a narcissist or psychopath tends to follow the same pattern: idealisation, devaluation, and discarding. At some point, the victim will be so broken, the abuser will no longer get any benefit from using them. They may have totally bankrupted them, or destroyed their confidence, or worse, and they move on to their next target.

 

However, once they are gone, the victim — or survivor as Thomas calls them at this point — can finally start coming round to the idea they were abused. They can grieve, and finally see the damage that was being done, and realise it wasn't their fault.

 

That's when the healing can really begin, Thomas says, and the survivor can realise that they were targeted not because they were weak, but because they had so much to give.

 

These are the signs you might be in a trauma bond with someone, according to Psych Central:

A constant pattern of nonperformance — your partner promises you things, but keeps behaving to the contrary.

Others are disturbed by something that is said or done to you in your relationship, but you brush it off.

You feel stuck in the relationship because you see no way out.

You keep having the same fights with your partner that go round in circles with no real winner.

You're punished or given the silent treatment by your partner when you say or do something "wrong."

You feel unable to detach from your relationship even though you don't truly trust or even like the person you're in it with.

When you try and leave, you are plagued by such longing to get back with your partner you feel it might destroy you.

[seizeilgiron]

Abuse always stays. If you go back, he'll no doubt do it again. It could be months, even years, before he does it again. But it will happen.

[NeedAdvice89]

Mine hit me once... then a few months later restrained me. This was over 5 years ago and he actually hasn’t touched me since. He didnt really get therapy he just realized how horrible it was. He does still yell and we don’t have a healthy relationship but he hasn’t physically struck me since then.