Haven't dated in a while / need some honest advice

[Lizzers]

Hello,

 

I've browsed these forums a lot recently as I've gotten back into dating and it's been really helpful to read everyone's stories and opinions. This time, I need some advice.

 

A little background: I'm a 29-year-old female. I haven't really dated anyone in about three and a half years, up until a few weeks ago. Three and a half years ago my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer and it was a long and painful journey, and I didn't want to date because I wanted to focus on myself and my family and my career. She passed away this past July, and after six months of grieving I finally felt ready to date again. I decided to download a few dating apps. I talked to some people and it was going okay, not great. One day I stumbled upon this guy's profile who looked really good, and I decided to message him back.

 

After some initial texts and Snapchats we decided to hang out. The first date was okay at first - he showed up 45 minutes late and I was definitely not impressed but decided to give him a chance. I'm glad I did. We clicked instantaneously. We ended up missing our reservation because we just got wrapped up in talking. It was a really powerful connection for both of us, and we both agreed that we hadn't felt anything like it before. From the first date, there were fireworks. His kiss was so powerful that I actually felt dizzy, and he felt the same way about me.

 

The next week was blur. I was so crazy about this guy. We play the same video games, we enjoy the same activities, we laugh hard with each other, and our bodies fit each other like they were built for each other. Everything felt so perfect, I honestly thought I had met the person I was supposed to be with, even though it was all happening so quickly.

 

After a week he asked me to be exclusive, and I said yes. We both deleted our dating apps from our phones. After a two weeks he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I said yes. He initiated the status change on Facebook, and posted a picture of us to his wall to show all of his friends that he is serious about me. He also went through his phone and deleted all of his old female contacts that he had met through dating apps. I saw him do it. I have been pretty burned from past relationships, so this felt like a breath of fresh air. Someone that was very serious about me, and someone that was ready for a mature relationship. I had absolutely clarity, and fully trusted this person.

 

Yes, I know this is a fast pace. I do understand that, but sometimes when it feels right then it just feels right. I made the active decision to lean into a good thing. I recognize the mistake of not really knowing someone first, but it felt like I had known this person forever.

 

Then, about three or four days later he had a full blown panic attack while we were hanging out. We had a long talk about his past relationships and how he was feeling. He had a panic attack because of some really horrible things that his ex did to him. I'm not going to get into details, but it traumatized him. She was manipulative and cruel. I held him through his panic attack and kissed his cheeks and told him to breath. He calmed down, and things seemed fine after that. He told me I was awesome and beautiful in every way. We talked about him feeling flawed, and feeling broken. I liked him even more for sharing his pain with me. It takes a lot to expose yourself to someone that you like.

 

A few days came and went - we had a game night, we cooked together, and we danced around his living room to Marvin Gaye - everything was great.

 

I have to note, we see each other maybe twice a week because my work schedule is so busy right now.

 

One night after we hadn't seen each other for three days or so we had plans to hang out and he canceled on me last minute to have a guys night. I was upset, because I have been working long hours at work in order to see him. I communicated this, we talked about it maturely, and we both moved forward happier because we had the conversation. He said, "I like you even more now because we can talk like this."

 

At this point I felt the energy of the relationship start to shift. Almost overnight, an emotional wall went up. He stopped texting me as much, he didn't want to kiss me, he didn't want to sleep with me. I felt him distancing himself. He has a history of anxiety, so I decided to continue being loving and just give him his space.

 

On Valentine's Day I took him to a jazz club because he loves jazz music. We got really dressed up, and looked amazing. The entire night was just awesome. Then, afterwards, around 8:30pm he said he was tired and wanted to go home. I noticed he had been Snapchatting a lot, and he got a text message and immediately moved his phone out of my line of vision. This is a guy who has told me he's been staying up until 2am because he can't sleep, but he was tired at 8:30pm. I asked him about this, and he said he really likes me and it freaks him out. He's scared.

 

Now, the suspicions and doubts have come flooding into my heart. I don't have a good feeling about this. I want to move forward, not backwards.

 

I'm feel emotional whiplash, because we were making great strides. He's serious about me, as far as I can tell. I'm his girlfriend, and he even has a picture of me hanging on his fridge that his mom has seen.

 

Last night around 12am I was up working and sent him a snapchat. He sent me a snap back, and then when I woke up I saw that his score had gone up a lot - meaning he was messaging someone after 12am.

 

I don't want to have doubts, I want to have trust, but this situation doesn't feel right to me. Why do something potentially awful if you're serious about a person?

 

Does anyone have some insight into this situation? Have you been in a place like this before? I appreciate some honest feedback.

 

Thank you!

[Starlight925]

This is classic narcissistic behavior. Read up on it. It’s super enlightening. PM me if you want more info, as most people on ENA will say not to diagnose someone. I’m not diagnosing, but the behavior is exactly following that of a narcissist.

 

I’ve been through it, and the steps are all almost exactly the same.

 

Bottom line: there is nothing you’re doing, or can do, except exit from this relationship.

[Lizzers]

Thank you for responding. I want to know more but I don't think I can PM yet since this is my second ever post.

[ja555]

Hi Lizzers,

I was in the exact same situation as you a few months ago, except my now ex gf was the one who started freaking out. She had abusive past boyfriends, and didn't like that I was "perfect" in her words.

So, from experience I'd say that if you think he's worth it, then try and keep up the communication, but always ask for honesty. You don't want to waste your time with someone who won't even give you honesty. You're doing the right thing by giving space, but you also need to reinforce in his head the fact that you are not his ex gf, and that you're not going to screw him over like she did, which it doesn't sound like you will.

Remember tho that even if it ends, you're not moving backwards. Whether it's good or bad, every experience is a learning experience, so you'll be a better person.

Oh, and don't lose yourself trying to save someone who doesn't want to be saved. It's a fu*ked up thought, but some people just don't want to be saved, and they bail if they get a genuine person.

 

So, keep up the communication (if you think he's worth it), but still give some space, demand honesty, don't lose yourself, and if it ends don't dwell on it for too long. I wish the best for you!

[Andrina]

Giving your heart to someone new is always a leap of faith. He seemed like a good risk at first, but now he's not putting effort into the relationship--it's regressing versus building something beautiful, and it's rude and uncaring to cancel plans when it's not an urgent/important matter.

 

Don't continue on with someone who doesn't meet your needs, whether or not he's cheating. And people with emotional baggage don't have any business entering new relationships. Move on when you see barriers up. It's not your job to tear walls down. I'm sorry you took a risk and it didn't pan out. It happens to most of us, but when you meet the right guy, you will appreciate him that much more, knowing what "less than" creatures exist out there.

[ThatwasThen]

I don't see narcissistic tendencies. I see a guy that has general anxiety which is stopping him from moving forward.

 

Where have you left this situation? Are you still (supposedly) dating and exclusive or have you broken up? How long have you actually been dating?

[katrina1980]

Agree with TwT this is not narcissism, but his anxieties and fears rearing their ugly heads.

 

He sounds like the spitting image of my brother who has "severe" commitment issues due to a traumatic heartbreak many years ago.

 

The anxiety, panic attacks all of it. And the harder/deeper he loves, the more severe the anxiety/panic. At which point he will self-sabotage, push the woman away.

 

To me it's akin to PTSD. Sort of anyway. Assuming it's due to a prior traumatic heartbreak or prior toxic dysfunctional relationship.

 

These types of fears are really tough to kick. Even after therapy and understating why it happens, he (my brother) still struggles.

 

Leaving many women confused and heartbroken. And himself very lonely.

[Lizzers]

Hi ThatwasThen, we have been dating for one month. As of today, we are still officially together. He seems to have the "three month" period stuck in his head of when everything goes down the toilet, so it could be that we've made it a month and it's new freak out territory. I am leaning towards anxiety as the culprut, but it's hard for me to understand that anxiety alone would cause someone to push away like this.

 

And I want to add to this- I have also suffered from extreme anxiety and depression and have been in therapy for many years, so I recognize the symptoms, but I am in a good head space now where I can push past the anxieties and not let them control me. I don't think he's in the same place. I have so much patience and love for anxiety sufferers and those with mental illness, but it can be exhausting.

 

This is giving me a lot of insight, thank you all for your input and keep it coming.

[ThatwasThen]

Hi ThatwasThen, we have been dating for one month. As of today, we are still officially together. He seems to have the "three month" period stuck in his head of when everything goes down the toilet, so it could be that we've made it a month and it's new freak out territory. I am leaning towards anxiety as the culprut, but it's hard for me to understand that anxiety alone would cause someone to push away like this.

 

And I want to add to this- I have also suffered from extreme anxiety and depression and have been in therapy for many years, so I recognize the symptoms, but I am in a good head space now where I can push past the anxieties and not let them control me. I don't think he's in the same place. I want to love him, but I feel that I can't love someone that can't love himself.

 

General Anxiety Disorder can lead people to be shut-ins and bail on things they actually are enjoying very much. They can't take the anxiety that is manifested and so they avoid situations that trigger it. Good on you for getting the professional help to guide you to being able to control your own anxiety.

 

It's only been a month. If I were you I would back totally off and get your own emotions in check so that if he ends this, you won't care as much as you would if you were still having romantic expectations. Don't let him get you addicted to a push/pull, come here/go away dynamic. It will screw with your self-worth and confidence so if this behaviour keeps up, get rid of him. You sound like you are a logical and self-assured woman so I'm sure I don't need to tell you any of that.

 

Good luck.

[Jibralta]

He seems to have the "three month" period stuck in his head of when everything goes down the toilet, so it could be that we've made it a month and it's new freak out territory. I am leaning towards anxiety as the culprut, but it's hard for me to understand that anxiety alone would cause someone to push away like this.

 

That's interesting, because I learned in middle school that the first two or three months of a relationship are "fluff time." Hormones are pretty much running the show, and people tend to get caught up in the feeling that everything is perfect. Then, at around two or three months, the hormone surge starts to subside and reality sets in. Problems that were previously obscured during the infatuation stage start to come forth. As a result, many seemingly perfect relationships end at this stage. It's happened to me repeatedly. In fact, I became sort of addicted to that initial thrill for a while.... But back to the point: his feelings of infatuation could have masked whatever anxiety he might have. And as the infatuation dies down, he will have to face those feelings. Unfortunately for your relationship, he doesn't seem to have a good track record for success.