irrational fear of cheating and rocky relationship

[MooseMoosen]

I have been dating a guy for almost 4 years. He was preparing for proposal and then I told him I wasn't ready. I love him but I know I am not ready for it. One reason is that I have a massive fear of being cheated on. I am not even sure if it's because of him, my father (who cheated on my mom) or just because I am a broken person who cannot trust a man. Whenever he goes out, I get very uncomfortable... To a point that is embaressing to think about. I won't even pretend at this point... But I can't control the feelings I have. Sure, I could pretend I am 100% okay. He could easily not know, but that doesn't change that him going into a position where he could cheat ruins my days or nights. It'a gotten to a point where he has said it is okay for me to tell him not to go somewhere without me. But, I can't see myself doing that. It seems controlling. And if I am with someone, why would I control them? He is going on vacation to a tropical location where he is for sure going to be around hundreds on singles who are drunk and barely clothed... he may even be one of those people. And I can't even stand that IDEA. I've told him how I feel because I am tired of pretending to be okay about these things. Breaking up isn't an option, I've tried, for him. But he won't let me. And trust me when I say that. I am in a loss in what to do. I want to allow him freedom but I just can't. I don't know how to operate like this. I have thought about seeing a counselor but I feel like they would just tell me the same things that I know. "Just hide your phone" "Have a ladies night" "Get a new hobby" Remember that you trust him" "Cheaters will cheat regardless of location" None of those give me peace.

 

I know a lot of people will judge me, I have judged myself on this too... But if anyone has overcome any type of feeling like this, please help me out.

 

Sorry if this was all over the place, my mind has been going in circles.

[Hollyj]

Why don't you help yourself and get some therapy. You know there is problem, so why haven't YOU done anything about it????

[MissCanuck]

I agree with Holly that professional therapy will be the way to go. An experienced, decent counsellor isn't going to give you the petty advice you fear. They're going to look at the real root of this problem and recommend coping strategies to tackle your insecurity.

 

Your boyfriend can't fix this for you, as he doesn't appear to have caused it. Holding him emotional hostage for it isn't fair at all - while I don't think that's your intention, it will eventually wear on him and it's very likely to cause resentment. Keeping him on a proverbial leash doesn't work, and it's no way to live, for either of you. You will ultimately create what you fear and drive him away.

 

Since you have thus far not been able to manage this on your own, get in touch with a pro who is trained in dealing with such matters.

[Wiseman2]

Pathological jealousy can be treated. Therapy will not give you the platitudes you listed. It will examine what's underneath it such as anxiety, depression, OCD, stress, etc. and treat that.

I have thought about seeing a counselor but I feel like they would just tell me the same things that I know. "Just hide your phone" "Have a ladies night" "Get a new hobby" Remember that you trust him" "Cheaters will cheat regardless of location" None of those give me peace.

[Unreasonable]

See a professional. A good one is not Dear Abby. If you're worried about relatively trite responses, you are far more likely to get those here than over the course of several sessions with a good counselor. This is not as simple as just having an irrational fear.

[MooseMoosen]

I knew people would be blunt but I think it is ridiculous to not admit yourselves of this feeling. As I said I knew I would get some of these responses but they don't help me. "Go see a psycologist" isn't as easy done than said. I really hope someone sees this that has been through issues like mine. I have talked to a lot people in person and most hate their partner going out without them. I just find it confusing why people think I need medical help. Pills don't fix everything and most are not a depression case... Sad society. If someone has any advice besides "Go to a doc!!" I will listen. I am trying to fix this on my own, not through anyone else. I am been to a counselor before and it was the dumbest thing I've done. Only agreed with me and said I was being too hard on myself. Just a heads up, I get some of you think a doc is an option, that has been shared... please if anyone else responds add something new. I regret stating the counseler thing above because that's all that was paid attention to.

[Wiseman2]

After 4 years, has that worked or caused strife for you and him?

I am trying to fix this on my own, not through anyone else.

[Unreasonable]

You had a bad counselor then, and this doesn't necessarily necessitate drugs.

 

First, you're an individual. Whatever worked for someone here, won't necessarily work for you. And, whatever worked for them, might be considered a trite response from you. You want someone to say they've been there? Yeah, I've been there. And it's been a combination of many things that helped (not eliminated - helped) overcome that. Over years. There has been no magic bullet. At least for me.

 

My first suggestion, if you are going to seek help here, is not to pre-conditionally reject certain types of suggestions. Take what you get, don't say you don't want to hear this or that, and use your own judgment as to what is useful or what isn't.

 

If you're looking for a nugget of wisdom to ever come from here, don't ask for filtered responses. I can tell you after being here 8 years that doesn't generate a whole lot other than people throwing up their hands.

[Hollyj]

I knew people would be blunt but I think it is ridiculous to not admit yourselves of this feeling. As I said I knew I would get some of these responses but they don't help me. "Go see a psycologist" isn't as easy done than said. I really hope someone sees this that has been through issues like mine. I have talked to a lot people in person and most hate their partner going out without them. I just find it confusing why people think I need medical help. Pills don't fix everything and most are not a depression case... Sad society. If someone has any advice besides "Go to a doc!!" I will listen. I am trying to fix this on my own, not through anyone else. I am been to a counselor before and it was the dumbest thing I've done. Only agreed with me and said I was being too hard on myself. Just a heads up, I get some of you think a doc is an option, that has been shared... please if anyone else responds add something new. I regret stating the counseler thing above because that's all that was paid attention to.

Obviously, your methods are not working. Your level of control and outrageous insecurity is not normal. Either you want to make changes, or you don't . Your refusal to see another psychologist says you really don't. Sad.

[MooseMoosen]

All I'm asking is for another opinion. I got one, go see a doc. Repeating it dorsnt do anything besides force your advice. I didn' t turn down the idea, I've been considering it. Just sayin, I get it, you guys want a doc involved. If that's all you have to add then there's nothing else to say really.

[MooseMoosen]

Obviously, your methods are not working. Your level of control and outrageous insecurity is not normal. Either you want to make changes, or you don't . Your refusal to see another psychologist says you really don't. Sad.

 

Idk why you are so angry that I stated my opinion. I am sorry if I hurt your feelings. But solving something doesn't include bullying or force feeding and guilting as you are doing. I have considered your response, being rude is just uncalled for and makes me think I shouldnt take advice from a person so aggressive.

[Unreasonable]

Please, stop trying to read emotions out of the written word. That is the MAIN disadvantage of an outlet like this.

[MooseMoosen]

You had a bad counselor then, and this doesn't necessarily necessitate drugs.

 

First, you're an individual. Whatever worked for someone here, won't necessarily work for you. And, whatever worked for them, might be considered a trite response from you. You want someone to say they've been there? Yeah, I've been there. And it's been a combination of many things that helped (not eliminated - helped) overcome that. Over years. There has been no magic bullet. At least for me.

 

My first suggestion, if you are going to seek help here, is not to pre-conditionally reject certain types of suggestions. Take what you get, don't say you don't want to hear this or that, and use your own judgment as to what is useful or what isn't.

 

If you're looking for a nugget of wisdom to ever come from here, don't ask for filtered responses. I can tell you after being here 8 years that doesn't generate a whole lot other than people throwing up their hands.

 

 

I just dont understand how a good solution could be discovered through a one sided discussion. I just wanted to move on if anyone else replied. I have been considering what people have said. But seeing a psycologist is a last option for me... expensive and hard to get to with my schedule. That's why I am looking for something else besides only one type of response. The thing is I went to a therapist like I said because of this sight last time. Maybe a personality like mine (always shares my opinion to try to find all of the possible solutions) isn't meant for a digital world like this...

[MooseMoosen]

And just to add, which I don't know if it is relevant, when we started dating the first year he cheated on me... And I didn't find out until last year. So I guess that is something important I should have added. I just like to thinm I have overcome it. But I also realize that I should have overcome it.

[reinventmyself]

. Pills don't fix everything and most are not a depression case... Sad society. .

 

No one suggested pills and depression.

You yourself stated that your parents relationship likely influenced you.

Talk therapy, self esteem and learning coping skills is what's called for here.

We aren't professionals.

 

You've pretty much covered everything we could say already. Try to not let it bother you. Talk to him about it.

You don't want to hear get a hobby or go out with friends.

 

Not sure what's left to say.

[MooseMoosen]

Looking through some of your profiles and responses to other people seeking help, I now understand that this site is made up of bullies and judgemental people who force feed advice. The concept of this is great, the people, not so much. So congrats to all of you. You can prance around happily picking on other people, you've already chimed me a medical case. What's next? Telling someone they need to go to rehab for smoking a cigar? Have fun picking on this and everyone else who is especially sensitive.

[Hollyj]

You seem very defensive. I'm sorry, I thought you wanted help. Guess not.

 

Good luck with that attitude.

[Hollyj]

Looking through some of your profiles and responses to other people seeking help, I now understand that this site is made up of bullies and judgemental people who force feed advice. The concept of this is great, the people, not so much. So congrats to all of you. You can prance around happily picking on other people, you've already chimed me a medical case. What's next? Telling someone they need to go to rehab for smoking a cigar? Have fun picking on this and everyone else who is especially sensitive.

 

Good grief! LOL.

[indea08]

If you're going to come here, ask for our advice, and then insult us...then you need to leave.

 

No one here bullied you. No one here was rude to you. It is YOU that has been rude to us.

[Hollyj]

If you're going to come here, ask for our advice, and then insult us...then you need to leave.

 

No one here bullied you. No one here was rude to you. It is YOU that has been rude to us.

 

Totally agree!

[Unreasonable]

Looking through some of your profiles and responses to other people seeking help, I now understand that this site is made up of bullies and judgemental people who force feed advice. The concept of this is great, the people, not so much. So congrats to all of you. You can prance around happily picking on other people, you've already chimed me a medical case. What's next? Telling someone they need to go to rehab for smoking a cigar? Have fun picking on this and everyone else who is especially sensitive.

One of the hazards of the job of trying to help people you don't know for no compensation, I suppose. I think the idiom "you get what you pay for" applies. Good luck, and I say that with complete sincerity.

[MissCanuck]

If your boyfriend has been known to cheat, then you need to stop assuming all the responsibility for the problems in your relationship. He is a big part of the problem, and your fear isn't coming out of nowhere. I do see now why you're so defensive though.

 

How did you find out about it? What happened?

[DaisyMayPorter]

All I'm asking is for another opinion. I got one, go see a doc. Repeating it dorsnt do anything besides force your advice. I didn' t turn down the idea, I've been considering it. Just sayin, I get it, you guys want a doc involved. If that's all you have to add then there's nothing else to say really.

 

Can I ask a question? Is he going on this vacation alone, or who is he going with? Why don't you go with him?

What about when he goes out? Does he go out often alone? Why don't you go with him?

Does he go out more often by himself then with you? Does he ask you to go with him?

 

What did you do after he cheated?

[Vanishing Girl]

The reason for a counselor, Coach, or Healing arts practitioner is to help you get at the root: likely the Dad who cheated, poor self esteem, lack of self love, and do exactly that!!!! Heal it yourself. PM if you want tips on finding someone in your area or online.

[DaisyMayPorter]

I was asking the questions above, because I wanted to see what your social life was like, because I thought maybe you could go out more together if you don't, etc. I was trying to help. :-)