Am i doing the right thing?

[D1mps]

What would you do?

 

A year ago, I freed myself from a narcissistic relationship with a sex addict.

I sought therapy and help from various sources in a bid to heal myself after the experience.

One of the things i tried was joining an online forum where other people had been through similar situations...

that's where i met my friend, who for privacy here, I will call Mr X.

 

Mr X was very considerate and well educated. He was divorced from his wife and had custody of their only child due to her unstable personality.

 

Mr X and i started exchanging daily for around a month or two in the forum and then moved it to a more personal level via text and phone.

We would talk daily and it wasn't long before Mr X expressed he had feelings for me and wished to give our friendship some kind of a path.

He pressed me on this a little bit as i was reluctant. Given i was still healing and we were from different parts of the world, i struggled to see how things could ever progress. Aside from that, I approached any man at this point, with great trepidation.

 

Needless to say, Mr X reassured me it was possible to bridge a gap and we should try, but i just wasn't ready to trust yet. One reason being that i instinctively wondered if Mr X had been completely honest in some of the interractions and exchanges we had shared.

 

Mr X and I had both sent family photos and although his seemed mostly legit, some photos he shared of himself as a young man, didn't quite fair up to his current appearance.

He looked different, something he blamed on a bad case of ageing, but i remained skeptical.

I expressed this concern to my friends whom also agreed it would appear to be more likely a son, or nephew in the images.

However, Mr X had already expressed he only had one child, so i thought a nephew would be a more plausible explanation.

Regardless, appearance really didn't matter to me at this point, but lies did!

 

A week or so passed and i decided to ask him straight out. He denied the images were of anybody but himself. I also questioned his age (he said he was in late 40, but appears older), again he denied and reassured he was telling the truth.

A magazine he was holding in one image, i had actually purchased myself. So given i recognised the cover, I knew the date of print and questioned them about this too. Again, Mr X denied it being anyone but himself.

 

Cut a long story short, after a disagreement and Mr X deciding he was growing weary of my questioning and fear of being lied to, i decided to use what images and info i had and do some background checks on Mr X.

Noe, I know some of you may find this intrusive, but if you knew what i had just gotten out of with the narcissist, you'd absolutely understand my need to do this...

Needles to say, my checks validated my fears.

 

Not only had Mr X lied about his surname, he also lied about his age and the fact he was married twice.

He had two other grown children, one of whom was the young man in the photographs he shared with me,.passing them as his own.

Goes without saying that at this point, i was seething!

Mr X knew how i had been hurt and despite swearing honest intentions and me giving him several opportunies for him to come clean, he still continued to lie to me. I was devastated.

 

We didnt speak for a few months until recently when i received an apology.

I asked if we could talk about why he did these things and he said it was to protect his family...

"From what"?! I wondered. "Me"?

But id done nothing wrong to this man?!

He expressed he had residual issues from his ex and had been a fool and apologised again...

I was so angry about what he had done, i just went silent.

 

We had a nice friendship despite these lies, but for a ehile, i struggled to see how i could move past what he did.

 

During Christmas and new year, there were some small, superficial exchanges, greetings, along with more sincere apologies... I missed my friend very much at this.point.

 

My question is, would you forgive someone who had done this and try to continue on a friendship?

I did miss and think an awful lot of the person and believe everyone deserves a second chance, but is it the right thing to do in this situation? Or am i being a fool?

 

I'd be very grateful for any input from you out there at this point.

 

Thanks in advance.

[Starlight925]

So you meet a man on a forum for healing from narcissists, and then you're surprised at all his lies?

 

Color me shocked.

[reinventmyself]

No, no and no.

There is absolutely no good reason for him to try to fool you with not just one, but several lies.

This friendship is a total sham.

I can't believe you would even consider it.

Raise your standards, please.

[D1mps]

LHGirl...

 

Yes, i see the irony, but may i ask if you think this response is helpful in any way? :/

 

It could have happened to anyone seeking help.

It was this site where it happened actually.

So does that mean we are all wrong for making a friend here? Or for trusting those who have had a real horrible experience and wish to genuinely help others?

[Starlight925]

LHGirl...

 

Yes, i see the irony, but may i ask if you think this response is helpful in any way? :/

 

It could have happened to anyone seeking help.

It was this site where it happened actually.

So does that mean we are all wrong for making a friend here? Or for trusting those who have had a real horrible experience and wish to genuinely help others?

 

No, it couldn't have happened to "anyone" seeking help. I happen to frequent Narcissistic relationship boards, as I, too, am healing from a relationship with a narcissist. There is not a chance in h*ll I'd form any type of relationship, friendship or otherwise, from someone on those forums.

 

If you've learned anything from those boards, it's that narcissists seek out those who are open and vulnerable, and hurting, and those people are generally more accepting of lies, which is what got them in the healing predicament in the first place. So yeah, it would make sense that other narcissists troll those boards to seek out relationships. Duh.

 

How about this: How about working on healing, without dating anyone first, k?

[D1mps]

So i am a "duh" case for seeking help here? Lol okay.

 

To reiterate, it was THIS SITE that i got talking to said friend. And not a narc specific site.

So does that mean that nobody who posts here is trustworthy? We are all liars and emotional vampires here?

 

Noted.

 

I'm healed and good after my therapy, thanks.

My question here was to get perspective on a friendship, not a relationship.

[Starlight925]

Oh so i see i am a "duh" case for seeking help?

Lol, Okay... Id expect better understanding from someone who had actually lived through this :/

 

To reiterate, it was THIS SITE that i got talking to said friend. And not a narc specific site.

So does that mean that nobody who posts here is trustworthy?

 

 

It doesn't change my opinion, whether it's this site, a narc site, or a celebrity crush site. The fact is, you are vulnerable from what you have gone through, and you need to work on healing before you can move on to any more Mr. X's.

 

Your judgment right now is clouded.

 

I get it, mine is too. Which is why I'm heeding the exact same "duh" advice I gave to you. Heal yourself first, otherwise, you will forever live a lifetime of Mr. X's.

[D1mps]

I understand your point, but this post was to give background about an old friendship with someone who happened to wrong me earlier on at a bad time in my life.

We are both past any other intentions aside from being friends now.

I just wanted to ask if i should give this friend another chance. Not in a romantic sense, but as a friend.

 

Maybe that got lost in the details...

[Starlight925]

I understand your point, but im not seeking a relationship! Or to get tangled up in any Mr X situations.

 

This post was giving background about a friendship with someone who happened to wrong me earlier on at a bad time in my life.

We are both past any other intentions aside from being friends now.

I just wanted to ask if i should give this friend another chance. Not in a romantic sense, but as a long distance friendship.

 

Maybe that got lost in the details...

 

You keep trying to reiterate what you've already said, in hopes that it will change my opinion.

 

I know what you've already written. I've read it. I'm smart like that. I've also read all of your prior posts here, about the sex-addicted narcissist who was going through a divorce, who you nursed through his troubles, who dropped you like a hot potato saying he just didn't know how he felt, yet he kept adding new women on social media. I read it all. My advice is based on everything you've written.

 

Here's the secret to a happy life: Get the draining, miserable, soul-sucking people out of your life. If a person isn't adding to your life, move them the F out. Period.

[Jibralta]

I wouldn't give this person another chance.

 

I don't fault you for seeking help and being deceived. That's crap.

[reinventmyself]

I understand your point, but this post was to give background about an old friendship with someone who happened to wrong me earlier on at a bad time in my life.

We are both past any other intentions aside from being friends now.

I just wanted to ask if i should give this friend another chance. Not in a romantic sense, but as a friend.

 

Maybe that got lost in the details...

 

Insert my previous response to same - but reworded question

[catfeeder]

I'd reconsider the whole idea of investing in strangers online in the first place. If someone goes flakey or inconsistent, as is common online, you can just type elsewhere.

[rosephase]

I have major issues with making deep connections with people over the internet. You simply do not know them. When you only have typed words to go on you are making up more than half of who they are. You are filling in all the blanks with whatever you want. It doesn't matter if you felt you had a good friendship. This man lied to you when he knew you were in a tough emotional space. He lied to you with the direct expectation that his lies would make you more respective to a more intimate relationship. That is an awful way to treat someone.

 

The person you thought you were connecting with isn't real. And even if there is a good man somewhere under that very poor treatment, he's a man who isn't honest with himself or the people around him. He's a man who can not offer real intimacy because he isn't capable of giving it.

[D1mps]

Thanks for the responses...

Having recently learned about trauma bonding, future faking and other such topics that I feel I crossed during my involvement with said person, I have new hope that knowledge will help steer me clear to avoid similar situations in future.