Used as rebound: cannot get over it

[Ontheotherside]

We dated briefly, a few months but it was deeply intense. In hindsight that alone maybe was a red flag, just as there was another one- he always talked his ex negatively - a long term relationship which ended under a year ago in a very heartbreaking manner. She left him. I only found out after we broke up that he thought she was the one until she betrayed her.

 

But I was falling for him. I’ve dated around a lot and I’ve not felt the way I felt towards him since my first love 5 years ago who I’ve been fully over and made peace with for at least 2 years.

 

It wasn’t infatuation, I think I was falling. The way our minds interacted, our deep conversations, challenging each other’s views on things, having a great similarity, opening up to each other...at the time I believed what I felt was a real and unique connection had to be real. It felt like I hadn’t just met somebody I felt romantically about but also a very close friend, somebody I could truly connect with. It felt mutual. I couldn’t say it would have turned into an ever-lasting long-term relationship, since no one can predict the future. The best you can do is to give it a shot and I wanted nothing more to see where this potential would head, and to let it run it’s natural course based on our interaction, how we fit mentally, how much we enjoyed spending time together. At the time he seemed in it just as much as me, other than talking about his ex. The reason I ignored this red flag was because

 

-I was in denial. It felt so real between us and I pushed away any doubts because I wanted to give the rest of it a chance...It felt too good to let go.

 

-It got brought up multiple times until I couldn’t pretend. I talked to him and asked him if he needed more time, and was so upset. I said I thought he wasn’t over her. He said the fact that he had feelings for her couldn’t be further than the truth. And that he only mentioned her to talk about the lessons he’d learned. He said that if I felt something was still wrong, he’d respect if I walked away but that we needed to trust each other if we are going to progress any relationship. He told me he wanted to be with me. I trusted him. He never mentioned her again, we continued to date, things got more emotionally involved.

 

-Even if he wasn’t fully over her. I didn’t realise he had not moved on at all- rather I thought he was towards the end stages of healing and I understood that something which meant so much to him and hurt him will always stay with him to some degree, even towards end of healing or once fully moved on

 

We broke up because he was moving far away and couldn’t handle long distance even though I wanted to try it, he didn’t due to bad experiences. I believed that was the real reason we broke up so it ended amicably even though I was very heartbroken. He wanted to stay friends, and we did (Like I said the connection felt so real, that there felt like a strong underlying friendship too). He told me he had feelings for me when he broke up, and it was down to circumstances. For a few more months I saw this as a story of lost potential love, from my side at least. I was devastated. Always thought that at another time, another place, what if, maybe we’d be together, what we shared then was incredible even if short. He said he wanted us to keep the good memories and cherished them. I kept my respect for him and wanted him to be happy wherever he went.

 

The reality is, my feelings for him never faded after breaking up. Then one day when we were talking as friends a few months later, the topic of old relationships cropped up for the first time in ages. Largely because I brought it up, and as the conversation went on, I learned that he realised he was in denial for ages about the breakup with his long-term ex and realised he was still devastated over the betrayal, hurt and that he will always have feelings for her. He ended up pouring his heart out to me...told me how much he really loved her, how he’d planned out their lives only for her to hurt him. He said everything reminded him of her and it was unhealthy, and that it was one of the big reasons he is moving away, other than the fact that it was also his dream to live in that country for a long time. That everyday he’s wondered what he did wrong to make her do what she did to him. It turns out he never got closure until after we broke up. He told me details of his relationship which were so painful for me to hear. He also said he thought he was fine and ready to date, had to try to move on back then. That his feelings for me were real but he realised later he wasn’t over her or the old hurt. On the whole, the things he said indicated how he was still ever so heartbroken...and it broke my heart even more than before because I realised for sure that I was a rebound and it hurts so much that I suddenly don’t believe any of what we had was real. If he felt so strongly for her the whole time and had thought everyday of all these things he was suddenly tell me, it couldn’t possible have been real at all. He told me during this conversation he was considering marrying her and having children. I felt so insignificant, it was like hearing the real context of my relationship with him. I feel like l never mattered.

 

When I told him I was a rebound and how hurt I was, He seemed upset that I perceived it as this, told me again he genuinely wanted to date me seriously and the reason we didn’t work out was due to the move. He said it was real but I just couldn’t possibly believe it. I think he is still in denial over the fact that he used me as a rebound and that his feelings for me are actually his feelings for his ex and I was just a distraction. I feel shattered, what I thought it was, the closure I had from him before to heal...everything was a lie. Even the friendship couldn’t possibly be real if it was founded upon lie after lie. I feel so foolish and used and it’s easier blocking out the pain than looking at the new reality in the face and realising it was never anything from the beginning.

 

All I wanted is some thoughts on whether I’m justified in the hurt and anger I feel, and why he’s still lying to me about it being real. And anyone who can shed light onto how it’s possible to fake an entire short-term relationship and friendship. I also want to know how to move forward...I keep comparing myself to his ex after what he said and the feelings of being used are making me feel so much less than I know I’m worth... he wants us to do no contact so I can heal, for all this and plus he’s just moved away. I feel tossed aside and horrible. How could he have had feelings for me if he was still in love with her. Why did he use me.

[ThatwasThen]

Its quite possible to love two or more people at one time. I believe he had true love for you but unfortunately, he needs some therapy to get over what she did to him. I hope for any girls sake that he doesn't date again until he has exorcized the ghost of her from his psyche.

 

His confession to you is another good reason why I think that ex' make lousy friends when either of you still have feelings for the other. It was cruel of him to vomit his emotions about another woman out to you but I suppose by doing so, he has given you a step closer to the stage of indifference to him. I know it would me.

 

I don't think he "used" you at all. I think had the timing been right, had he taken the time to get to the stage of indifference to is ex, then he would have no need to move (which was basically him running away from himself instead of getting the therapy that would help him process) and you two would still be together.

 

Rather then look at going no contact as "being tossed aside" consider it as him being as humane as he's capable of being. He's doing it so he doesn't keep hurting you. No contact is a strategy to help get over someone instead of keeping them stagnated in limbo and being unable to be open in heart and mind to find new love.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting but don't let the dialogue you have going on in your head that you were used, or that it was fake, or that he's tossed you away make it harder for you to heal. He loved you, he's just too screwed up over the betrayal to give himself to anyone.

[Ontheotherside]

Thank you for your response, it’s always good to hear from someone else.

 

I can’t help but obsess negatively over things at this point. I agree he shouldn’t have said what he did to me about how much he was still in love with her and tell me about what he poured into the relationship only to get hurt. I remember what he said and it keeps getting replayed in my mind...because I never knew that was what he was thinking all along. How do I stop replaying painful words over and over in my head? It’s like every word replayed tells me again an again that he was with me only to avoid the pain of losing the love he still holds onto. It hurts but I can’t stop thinking.

 

Also I really want to stop comparing myself to her. It feels like the ghost of her haunts me too because it still haunts him. The ghost of her has somehow made its way into my grieving process even more than before. I keep getting sad that what me and him shared in a few short months will never compare to the many years they spent together. I keep thinking about how much he loved her over the years...how he must have looked at me wishing it was her that it worked out with. That part is so hard to get over- knowing that there’s a high chance that I reminded him of her, being with me did, and that everything we did made him wish it was her. They knew each other in a way I never knew him, they effectively grew up together through a long period of time. I find myself comparing myself emotionally, physically etc to her. Even though they’re no longer together, even though me and him are no longer together either. I feel like his baggage has ended up staying with me...is this normal in rebounds? And how do I resolve this part?

 

I can’t help but also feel tempted to let him know how much it’s impacted me...he knows to a degree because I told him when I got hurt, but I almost feel like I want him to know the real extent it’s impacted me. I wish I didn’t feel so sad and hurt. Or so deceived, Especially after your post.

[dundermiflin]

I fully agree with ThatwasThen. He may very well have loved you. To be that devastated but have the times he had with you, I think he had some feelings for you. He should have dealt with it before getting involved and then running away.

[Ontheotherside]

Thank you for your post. I always wondered if it was just me who fell for him- he said he had feelings but never used the word love. He once even said to me it wasn’t love, at the time we broke up...I guess at least him having feelings is better than nothing, especially at a time when my mind thinks it was nothing to him

[beebs82]

Thank you for your response, it’s always good to hear from someone else.

 

I can’t help but obsess negatively over things at this point. I agree he shouldn’t have said what he did to me about how much he was still in love with her and tell me about what he poured into the relationship only to get hurt. I remember what he said and it keeps getting replayed in my mind...because I never knew that was what he was thinking all along. How do I stop replaying painful words over and over in my head? It’s like every word replayed tells me again an again that he was with me only to avoid the pain of losing the love he still holds onto. It hurts but I can’t stop thinking.

 

Also I really want to stop comparing myself to her. It feels like the ghost of her haunts me too because it still haunts him. The ghost of her has somehow made its way into my grieving process even more than before. I keep getting sad that what me and him shared in a few short months will never compare to the many years they spent together. I keep thinking about how much he loved her over the years...how he must have looked at me wishing it was her that it worked out with. That part is so hard to get over- knowing that there’s a high chance that I reminded him of her, being with me did, and that everything we did made him wish it was her. They knew each other in a way I never knew him, they effectively grew up together through a long period of time. I find myself comparing myself emotionally, physically etc to her. Even though they’re no longer together, even though me and him are no longer together either. I feel like his baggage has ended up staying with me...is this normal in rebounds? And how do I resolve this part?

 

I can’t help but also feel tempted to let him know how much it’s impacted me...he knows to a degree because I told him when I got hurt, but I almost feel like I want him to know the real extent it’s impacted me. I wish I didn’t feel so sad and hurt. Or so deceived, Especially after your post.

 

So I was in a similar situation, I'm 35f and about 5 years ago dated a guy for only a few months but everything was lined up between us. Little did I know that he hadn't gotten over his ex and was waking up in the middle of the night in tears about her. He has also asked her to lunch (while we were dating but I only found out later). This spun me into a black hole for a good few months. And five years later I can barely remember what connection I felt toward him. I was also a mirror of his ex. After some sealing on fb and online and reading some of her blogs she could be my twin and we prob would be besties in real life lol My point is that don't waste your time fighting for someone who won't fight for u. You deserve someone who has an open heart and has done the work to deal with their breakup (whether it be therapy or dealing with a breakup in a healthy way). It doesn't matter how much of an awesome catch you are and I am sure he knows that you are too! But he needs to confront whatever pain he's still carrying around. I'm sorry you are hurting. It really sucks but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

[beebs82]

And also, I know it feels like he purposely fully used you as a rebound but I don't think most guys do it intentionally. I think they get caught up in the moment and they overestimate their capacity and think if they just keep going they will forget about their ex. Or if they keep going them all their old problems go away. Real life doesn't work like that. But in any event I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you even thought the end result was hurting you.

[Traceee]

I've had something similar nearly to a T. He said he was going to be moving in a few months and couldn't have me move for him like he did for his ex and that ended horribly with her cheating etc etc. tells me I'm only the second person he's ever loved and then 3-4 weeks later is now in a relationship with some girl I've never heard of or seen nor have mutual friends so idk if he met her on the dating app we met on. I sympathize with you! It is the absolute worst feeling! They didn't have to do and say all that they said about love and wanting a future. Getting caught up in the moment is beyond selfish because they know deep down they aren't over their ex nor have they taken the time to be alone and heal and learn from it.

[Ontheotherside]

Thank you both for your further thoughts and for sharing your stories. I’m sorry it happened to you too. Beebs82 I’m glad to hear you were able to eventually move forward.

 

Did either of you decide to keep a friendship with him after finding out? I can’t help but feel very betrayed and that part of me thinks I never want anything to do with him again. That he’s not worthy or deserving of my friendship. The other part of me, which is what’s causing this much heartbreak at the moment, is that sadly, I still have feelings for him and wished the connection was as real as I believed it was at the time. After some of the posts above, maybe it could have been real even if there’s not really any way to know- rebound situations are too confusing.

 

There’s clearly a lot of internal dialogue going on, it’s like I’m heading down a strong path of doubt and negative thinking, as much as I want it to be better. I’m trying to spot my thought patterns for recurring dialogue. It’s currenty things like:

 

- He played me and now he’s going to avoid the situation by moving away and he’ll just do the same to the next person. I get the feeling he’ll have this next rebound lined up very fast, afterall he seems to lack self-awareness and seems to avoid difficult situations. What he does next shouldn’t bother me- but it does- why? I don’t know why but I feel like what he does next can only add insult to how this all makes me feel or something and reinforce what he did to me.

 

-it feels so deeply unfair. He unloaded his pain onto me, is running away after he was done. Is cutting me out and now I’m dealing with the baggage.

 

-One day I want to forgive myself for choosing to stick by him whilst we dated and as friends, and maybe one day I’ll forgive him too for my sake of moving on. But I’m not ready to do so yet, forgiveness is only meaningful when you mean it and sometimes you need to process the other painful feelings first before your heart truly feels ready to forgive

 

-Do I too need therapy? The way this has impacted me has hit me hard in a way I could not have imagined, and I want to think I’m not carrying any of his baggage but admit that I now am

 

-That when I think back to our memories, I get one of two reactions: extremely sad because I realise what it really was, or I try to block it out because I’m still in shock over the details he told me the other day. Too much information. When I replay things or think of him, I feel like saying to you ‘you lied to me, you lied to me’. To this day he still denies he was rebounding

 

-Sadly, there’s a big element of hate too. It’s a strong word but that’s why I’m coming here for advice, because of how I’m impacted, I want to work on it eventually...I feel like I hate him for doing this.

 

Thank you all so much for your responses, I’m very grateful to hear from you. I’m sorry I keep unloading with each new post- I think it goes to show how much I’m struggling and am obsessively thinking about it, without having anyone else to talk about it. There’s so much questioning, judgment and negative thoughts in my head...

[Ontheotherside]

I’m trying to be more self-aware and understand why I’m impacted this way. I think one of the reasons I feel like I’m experiencing a double heartbreak is because my original healing from heartbreak over him moving and is breaking up has been disrupted largely by the newer, more recent facts. The idea that original closure I got from him which I used to start processing things was also dishonest.

 

On a positive note, I definitely dodged a bullet. I never want to be in this position again, especially not with someone I felt as strongly about as him.

[Dominique]

It's possible to love two people. He just isn't ready to be with anyone now. He still loves her. Now that you know that, let him go. He's not your friend. You're his friend. You listen. He vomits his pain. You feel more pain. Rinse. Repeat.

 

Let this go.

 

I'm sorry he hurt you. He most likely didn't do it purposely. But that doesn't mean it was what is best for you. You have to be I charge of taking care of you. Now that you have all the information, let him go so you can move on. YOU need to protect YOU.

 

He may be nice and you may feel a connection and love etc. But you don't need to have his constant sharing of love for his ex rub salt in your wounds.

 

And stop trying to figure out if it was real or not. It was real and now it's over. Circumstances on his side dictate that it can't work. Save yourself some time and move on.

[ThatwasThen]

- He played me and now he’s going to avoid the situation by moving away and he’ll just do the same to the next person. I get the feeling he’ll have this next rebound lined up very fast, afterall he seems to lack self-awareness and seems to avoid difficult situations. What he does next shouldn’t bother me- but it does- why? I don’t know why but I feel like what he does next can only add insult to how this all makes me feel or something and reinforce what he did to me.

That's why you do your best to stay ZERO contact which means you don't creep any of his social media. What you don't know won't hurt you.

 

It's virtually impossible for you to ever get over him if you allow him to remain in your life in the demoted state of "just friend" from friend, lover, romantic mate. Heal by withdrawing from the habit of having him in your life with cold turkey rehab. Go through your withdrawl pain one day at a time, keep busy do nice things for yourself and gradually you will get to the blissful stage of indifference to him.

 

You'll be okay in time, I promise.

[catfeeder]

Used as rebound: cannot get over it

 

I've always found it helpful to question whether I want to cast myself as a hapless victim to someone else's bad judgment, or whether I'd rather liberate myself from unnecessary fear and anxiety by replacing that 'story' with a more accurate one: I'm responsible for my own choices to position myself badly or favorably. Based on what I learn from my mistakes, I can use that information as my "don't" model going forward, and I can become a smarter screener of bad matches as I choose my dates more wisely.

 

Do you want to build confidence in your own capabilities for wiser choices in the future, or do you want to gnaw a victim bone just to absolve yourself from your own mistakes?

 

You get to pick. I'd vote for adopting more pragmatic vision about the part I play in my own outcomes, and then I won't need to cultivate needless fears about my own capabilities going forward.

 

Head high, and make a choice that will serve you well.

[Dowai99Holly]

Strangely enough, reading the replies on this thread has given me some comfort, I was also a rebound and it's almost made me happy to know that he may have loved me, after all. So thank you.

 

A quote from a friend "Sometimes we meet the right people at the wrong time, and it is what it is". You're more than entitled to feel hurt, but from my experience, NC is definitely the best option.

[MissCanuck]

You cannot be friends with him, OP. You will never heal if you keep him in your life.

 

It's time to let go.

[Wiseman2]

Did you or he know about the move when you started dating? Agree with MissCanuck, you need to stop talking to him and rehashing this in your mind. You are now providing him with another bridge while he searches for someone locally and you remain stuck in the past unable to find someone more available.

We broke up because he was moving far away

[beebs82]

Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it

[Young mind]

From a Guys perspective who is almost in the same shoes, I think I can relate very well to your ex, it's very difficult, extremely difficult, to put those emotions away and face a new girl, I don't know if it's burst ego or just the way guys move on but I believe everything you did probably reminded him of his ex, thus his unconsciously bringing it up, you may be the best person in the world but at this time, it's not about you, rather his emotions.

After my breakup, I tried to reconnect with 2 girls who wanted me even when I was with my ex, but I couldn't even look them in the eye or touch them.

Rebounds are good in the general sense but I believe it always goes down the drain.

One of the girls I tried again probably knew my heart was all over the place and she decided to give me space and I respect her for that, to improve your chance with him, give him that space he needs to sort himself because after a LTR, there's no running away from this for anyone

[Morello]

This is such a tricky topic. I have recently been the rebound too. It is an intense experience, to say the least.

 

I think I've spent too much time (4 months after the break up here) thinking about all the variables. Did she really like me? Were her feelings real or she was just projecting her feelings for her ex or just her needs/expectations after her failed previous relationship? Did I mean anything to her or? I don't think there is a yes/no answer to those questions. It's usually a bit of both. It's quite complex and in the end it doesn't really matter. We're not the victim and we're not to blame either. These things happen and I've never learned so much about me, about how other people act, about attachment, many things. I don't think I'd learn as much if this didn't happen, so be it.

 

OP, the only thing that makes me cringe a bit about your situation is that your ex doesn't realise it was wrong of him to date you while he was thinking of his ex 24/7. Even after all this time, he doesn't recognise this so I'm not sure what kind of friend he could be. Regardless, being friends before you heal is a bad idea anyway so you can leave that decision to later on.

 

Please don't obsess about whether his feelings were 'real' or not. They were, to some extent. But it doesn't matter. The good thing you're taking out of this is not whether he actually loved you or not. You are broken up, it doesn't matter. What matters is how you can grow from this and use the learning so your next relationship is a strong one and your best ever. Few experiences can be as difficult and complex as being someone's rebound. It's a tough one and it may take a while for you to recover. It's taken me more than 4 months and I'm still healing but I definitely feel much better now. Hang in there and you'll be fine.

[Loveedovee]

Gosh it came out long. Not trying to take over the thread, just got into details a bit :)

I can totally relate, apparently I was a classic rebound.

 

So he had that long story of a sick relationship with a girl, going on and off for many years, he considered her(and still is) a love of his life, his soulmate, his perfect woman in all ways of all times. After a month or so we were dating he told me his story of how he met her and divorced his wife for her and even moved to her country for a few years for her. I had a bad feeling right away. He convinced me that it's over long time ago(!!!), that I shouldn't feel threatened in any way.I should have stopped that at that moment. But I chose to believe him not myself. He was showing a lot of interest in me, was very much committed, we were spending together all the time and things were going great although super fast...

I wish I knew what I was getting myself into.

Later he was revealing more and more details. Things fell apart between them because she didn't want to move to US and couldn't make up her mind if she even loved him and he couldn't live without her. She broke up with him a million times and he was all wasted and suicidal after that. Then every few years or so (between multiple sex adventures) he would try dating somebody else (hello, rebounds), and of course it wasn't working, then eventually she would show up again (especially when she knew he was with somebody) and call him and he would same minute fly to where she was.

God was I miserable, do I need to say I was constantly comparing myself to her, his feeling to her and to me? And couldn't see anything in common. I wasn't even his type. (and his type is her type of course). I started developing fear, feeling very insecure and unsafe. Deep inside I new we had no future as I had no trust in us, in our relationship. He wasn't dealing well with that too, throwing twigs in fire.

I brought it up a few times, I told him how i felt, after i found their pictures or after he was again saying something about their past (and that was all the time, more details revealed again). He was saying, yes she may try to come back but it shouldn't affect us. He was also saying he didn't believe in rebounds it's just the way he was moving on. He blamed my insecurities. First I was fighting it all - my silly jealousy, my fear, his throw backs to those happy times they had, I was fighting with him. And then I realized I can't beat it, what we had was not what happy couples have. I was obsessed over their relationship, not mine. And then I got depressed, at that time I thought I could feel her presence in the house that's how deep I let myself fall. I didn't feel loved, worthy, l couldn't even compete with her, that's how high she was comparing to me. I was in a very dark place. He in turn hadn't find any relief with me (as well as with other rebounds before me, things were not working between us at all, he became aggressive, annoyed and blamed me for literally everything. I wasn't ready to break up yet but I knew it wouldn't end up well. While I was trying somehow make things better or rather not to make it even worse he dumped me for another woman. There were a lot of lies from the beginning. As i found out him and his ex were trying to fix it just not long before me and she again stepped back, right after he asked me out on a date for the first time. They were also in touch for a while when he was already dating me.

The funny thing he said he loved me because love can be different towards different people. In the end he confessed he will always love his ex even though they will never be together. I felt our relationship was a joke.

This one is as bad as to be cheated on, trust me. (I had it all) You don't want to be with somebody knowing you are not the one, not loved, not good enough,not appreciated and always compared to somebody else. Total breakdown of self esteem. I'm still recovering. But I'm happy it's over, I actually felt free from that horror, it's simply impossible to live like that. I know I would not want to go back and will definitely stay away from things like that in future. We all have past,and it needs to stay there. Even if try lying about it in order to "move on"- no one wins anyway.

[Ontheotherside]

Thank you so much everyone, I have to say your words have really encouraged me to take steps to move on. I have been in no contact for one month and it’s helped me a little, I know that continuing to do so is the best way. I still think of him most days, there’s still a lot of rehashing but I know this is all part of the healing process. Some days I still get dreams about him or wake up feeling at loss, others, I am capable of focusing more on my own goals again or the other things around me in life.

 

I did the stupid thing of stalking him the other day (I swear not to do it again) and found out he’s already looking at dating again and the it looks like he’s continuing the rebound cycle as he’s still not over his ex from when I last talked to him. At first this hurt then I realised it made me think that he’s more human and vulnerable than I perceived him. That him rebounding with me wasn’t my fault and that anyone he meets for a certain period of time, if he doesn’t heal alone, will just be rebounding!! This isn’t someone I should want!

 

But as with having strong feelings for anyone, this takes time to fade. Even though we have no contact and he’s overseas now. I’m just determined to not find myself a rebound and want to heal by myself.

 

Can I ask, why do you think people are capable of still having feelings for someone who treat them less than they deserve? Or for emotionally unavailable others? I feel like this is what I have been going through, even though it is slowly getting better.

[ThatwasThen]

Can I ask, why do you think people are capable of still having feelings for someone who treat them less than they deserve?

I think because we bond with them and we mourn when someone we have bonded with is no longer in our lives. Its like an addiction, it takes time to rehab from something that's become a habit.

 

You're doing well, Ontheotherside. Time and what you do with you time will get you through your 'withdrawl.'

[catfeeder]

Can I ask, why do you think people are capable of still having feelings for someone who treat them less than they deserve? Or for emotionally unavailable others? I feel like this is what I have been going through, even though it is slowly getting better.

 

The feelings are less about the person, and more about the fantasies one creates 'around' the person. When those don't come to fruition, dis-illusion-ment is a tough pill to swallow. Some people would rather continue to cling to the the fantasies and attribute those to being about the actual person. Well, they're not, because the actual person's behavior doesn't align with those. So it's a case of being in love with love, and it's a matter of transferring some of that love to your Self instead of projecting it onto someone who doesn't deserve it.

 

Head high, you can do this.

[Ontheotherside]

Hi everyone, I think things have stayed the same...keeping busy with no contact (it’s nearly been 1.5 months). I’ve been talking to other guys but still not dating anyone (I feel quite emotionally available after this experience and want some time alone) and have been working on other parts of my life.

 

But I’ve been feeling something strange over the past week or so...like I want to reach out to him to say hi, or just to ask how he’s settling into his new life in the new location. I think he’s seeing someone new and whilst it doesn’t make me feel over the moon, and the thought does hurt, I’m also not sure whether it’s just because I’m clinging onto the idea of who he was.

 

Deep down a part of me wonders whether I still have real feelings left for him or whether I’m just stuck with the infatuation of who I thought he was after he left. To tell the truth, in some ways he’s really becoming a distant memory other than who I keep him as in my head. At the same time, I’ve seen more from him since getting dumped which makes me think he’s a lot more flawed and less special than who he was in my mind whilst I was with him.

 

I largely feel like the reason I’m tempted to reach out is due to a lack of closure and ending on bad terms. But I’m worried that it’s because I’m not fully over him either. I don’t know, I’m confused...

 

What should I do? Should I drop him a line to check up?

 

I’ve just never really cut someone out from my life so suddenly and ended on bad terms and it makes me feel very unresolved. There’s also still questions in my head which I know I’ll never have answers for so even though I ask them, I no longer expect to know the truth/closure from him just for the fact that he was just as confused back then.

[Morello]

There's no right answer to that but I'd suggest that you don't reach out to him. I know exactly how you feel since I was broken up with as a rebound as well about 6 months ago. I reached out at the 3 months mark and didn't get a reply (just asking how she was like you want to do), even though I still see her around the corridors at work and exchange a hi here and there.

 

Even if I got an answer, not sure what good it would have done. I was certain she wouldn't reply with anything like "let's get back together". THe most likely was just a brief catch up about how she was. To be honest, even though I was and still am curious about what she has been up to, I prefer to just have that chapter closed.

 

No contact is not about them, it's about us. It's a bit hard to make sense of that, it took me some time but I realised it. I found a video that I resonated with:

 

In summary, staying no contact will help you showing YOURSELF how much you are worth. Like your title says, you were used as a rebound and it's very likely that your ex has negative feelings towards you. Not because of anything you've done, but because the situation itself is hard on both parties. Rebounds are not a normal relationship, they are somewhat fake. You're not wrong to think you were used even if he didn't know he was actually using you when he did it. I very rarely read about rebound relationships in which there was any sort of reconciliation, even as friends. It's an awkward thing, usually there's shame and regret involved, break up is messy and the dumper most times just want to avoid resurfacing that at all costs. Some of them will probably feel remorse for having played with someone else's feelings. Others will just realise that weren't really feeling anything major and were just projecting feelings/needs from the previous relationship onto the rebounds.

 

Trying to reach out to a person who acted that way to you will only diminsh your self-worth. This is probably more related to attachment than to you actually liking him. In the rational world, you would not like someone who used you as a rebound and then dumped you. You like people who treat you well, the way you deserve to be treated. He didn't do that. I'm not saying he's a bad person but I reckon you'd have more important people in your life to reach out to.

 

If you rech out, you give all the power you have gained in the NC period to him. However, this is not about him, cause who gives a F about how much power he has or thinks he has. But you'll come out of it feeling weaker, as someone who gave in. Show yourself how strong you are by not reaching out. If he's interested enough in being in touch with you, he will reach out. But don't hang on to that. Just go about your life as this is a finished chapter. He most likely will not reach out. I know it hurts, but the only way out of the storm is through it.

 

Don't be hard on yourself about how long it takes to get over this. I would sound silly to tell people I'm still not completely over a break up of a 2 months relationship (my situation) even after 6 months. But I'm the only one who knows how much I got hurt by being used and having been told all the beautiful things about me and about us just to be dumped like nothing. I will take as long as I need to recover. You should think the same way. Acknowledge your feelings, learn how to live with them, and know they will fade away in time. I'm 33 and this is by far the most traumatic experience with dating I have ever had. Being a rebound is completely different from having a normal relationship and being broken up with. But trust me, you'll come out of that much stronger and knowledgeable.

 

I'm sending you strenght to deal with this hard situation. It's not easy but you will go through it.