Friends say girlfriend admitted to cheating, but girlfriend denies this ever happened.

[ThrowAway2121]

I’m lost and have no idea what the right answer is or what I want, and I feel really pressured to make a life altering decision so quickly.

 

Girlfriend has serious mental health issues (depression and BPD) but they have improved. She drunkenly said to my friends that she cheated on me, but she denies this. I’m not sure who to believe. However, my friends have no reason to lie. Regardless of that I’m not sure if I want to continue the relationship since I’ve personally been having doubts for a while now and everyone I know thinks she’s bad news for me.

Background:

 

I’ve (22M) been seeing this girl (21F) since sophomore year of college (2 years and 4 months), we are currently seniors. We’ve had a lot of issues over the course of our relationship. It’s certainly been a roller coaster. When we were first seeing each other she had depression issues and struggled telling me what was bothering her. We did a lot of work, trying to get her to a better place. She made so many suicide attempts that I lost track. She’s taken a bunch of pills several times, tried slitting her wrists bad enough to be taken to the hospital and place under psychiatric care, sent me goodbye messages in the middle of the night on several occasions (each time I would sprint to her place and try to stop her), and she even tried throwing herself into traffic in front of me at one point.

 

I stayed with her through all of this. It was hard on me for a while, I lost a lot of friends and I was isolated because she didn’t like it when I was spending enough time with her. I just didn’t want her to kill herself, so I spent a lot of time with her making sure she was alright. For a while I was afraid to check my phone at night since I was worried she sent me a goodbye message again. I broke up with her at one point for about a month since I just couldn’t take it anymore.

 

Then we sat down after about a month, and she seemed to have been a lot better, but not all the problems went away. I still stayed with her, and she honestly improved a lot. I’m not worried about receiving goodbye messages at night anymore and she doesn’t cut herself like she used to. Regardless, I’ve been wanting her to go back to therapy for over a year now, just to stay on top of things. She keeps saying that she will, but it never happens.

 

Current Problem:

 

My friend told me a bunch of things that I don’t think my girlfriend would have ever told me…

 

1) My friend she told him and his girlfriend that she wanted to have a 3 some with them (leaving me out of course). When I confronted her about it, she said it was a joke, but my friend doesn’t think she was joking at all.

 

2) She tried grinding on my friend when I went to the bathroom, and he immediately ended it. She denies ever having done that, but my friend says that it happened.

 

3) My friend said that when I went to the bathroom, my girlfriend told him and his girlfriend that she slept with her ex. She denies this. Originally, she told me that her ex was coming on to her that night, but she kept pushing him off, saying no, and that she had a boyfriend. When she told me that, I let it go, since she didn’t do anything wrong in that case. She never said anything about sleeping with him. Also, my friend’s girlfriend read me a message from my girlfriend that said she was starting to tell me what happened, but I was getting mad, so she didn’t tell me the whole story. I asked my girlfriend several times if she told me the whole story, and she said yes repeatedly. Then I read her the message, and she said oh yeah, there was one thing. “My ex and I were drinking together and then he kissed me, and I said you’re a horrible kisser, never do that again.” However, that would have happened in the beginning of the night, not the end. When she was telling me about what happened, she was saying the night’s events in chronological order, so for her to gloss over that because I was getting mad, even though it was the first thing that happened, doesn’t make any sense.

 

I do care about her and I don’t want to hurt her. Part of me is also afraid of the change. I can’t verify either party’s story, so it’s really just my friends’ words against hers. Although, both my friend and his girlfriend have been very biased in her favor for the whole time we were together. They both think she’s incredibly manipulative and think that they were repeatedly duped into taking her side over various things.

 

Advice anyone? Everyone wants me to break up with her, and after writing this out, it helps me in seeing things more objectively. I think I probably should, but I would really like to hear your thoughts.

[abitbroken]

If you don't trust her, break up, but also be aware of people trying to meddle in you relationship - don't break up just because other people want it. The truth could lie somewhere in the middle

 

This woman sounds like a trainwreck and you can't be her caregiver. I would break up regardless of whether the stories are true or not and find someone healthier to be in a relationship with instead of a caretaker. I think you need to have a heart to heart with her and tell her how you feel about everything.

[Hollyj]

Who has something to lose in this situation. It's not your friends.

[Hollyj]

Why have you signed up for this relationship? What attracted you to this dynamic! Do you like chaos in your life?

 

I suggest you look up co dependency and white knight syndrome.

 

Find someone more stable.

[MissCanuck]

You two have a toxic, unhealthy and codependent relationship. That is the reason you should end it. For what it's worth, my ex-boyfriend also suffers from BPD. He was diagnosed years ago, but refuses to seek any treatment. I understand the emotional chaos you've been through, but you have to realize, you cannot save her from herself. You cannot help her if she won't help herself. And since she's refusing to do that, you're in for ever-more instability.

 

What she did or didn't do with another guy is not the only dealbreaker here, OP. Can you honestly say this relationship serves you well, and that you feel loved, supported, and respected? Even if this specific episode hadn't happened, you still don't have a stable relationship to fall back on.

[thealchemist]

Even if she has never cheated on you and hasn't done any the things that your friends said(which I highly doubt) you should still end things with this woman.

 

Reading your relationship from your view is making me hurt. It sounds so unhealthy and codependent.

 

The longer you are with this woman the more messed up your sense of a normal relationship will be.

 

Get out or you are going to have a rough time finding a normal and healthy relationship

[JaggerJim]

That's all she does is deny it. Your friends wouldn't lie.

 

Time to end it I think. She's looking for something else in life, not a committed relationship.

[ThatwasThen]

Yes, leave her and then make it so she can't contact you or your friends because she'll try her best to paint you black and she will likely harass you in some capacity.

 

You can do better then someone who manipulates you with threats of suicide. If you're worried about her trying that again once you break up then contact the school or her parents and let them handle it.

 

You would do well to see your schools psychology department to book some sessions to figure out your White Knight Syndrome (a form of codependency) because people who do not have codependency would have left her after the first attempt after suggesting to her that she get the psychiatric help that she so clearly needs.

 

Your friends wouldn't lie to you about that. Believe them over a mentally ill person. Is she in therapy for her BPD?