My ex broke up with me but wont stop calling me.

[msj1977]

My ex broke up with me telling me she needed some space. I then find out soon after that she is seeing someone else, but I can't confirm it. So, I ask her about it and she denys it. Naturally, I don't believe her and decide not to call her or answer her calls. Well she then calls my phone like 20 something times until I finally answer. She trys to reconfirm that she is not seeing anyone else and asks me why I am trying to push her away. She says she doesnt want to get back together, but that she still cares for me. I just assume let me move on. It is easier when I dont talk to her. She doesn't seem to get that. I asked her not to call and three hours later she says she needs to pick up something she left at my house. THIS GIRL I BELIEVE HAS NO INTENTION OF GETTING INVOLVED WITH ME ROMANTICALLY ANY TIME SOON OR MAYBE EVEN EVER. So, what is she trying to do? I have never experienced an ex that broke up with me who still calls just to talk etc. She just acts like nothing ever happened.

[chai714]

Regardless of whether you want her back or not, NC her right now. She made the decision to end things, so let her get to fully experience her decision. Do not give her the power to upset you. You are in control now.

 

NC will also allow time for you to reflect on yourself, her, and the relationship you had with her. It's often times the hardest thing to do, but also the best thing to do. One more thing - NC doesn't mean no contact forever. It's just a period where you cool down, she cools down, and a great opportunity to improve one's self.

[crash45]

couldnt have said it better myself chai,

[Nap-Man]

well i just went through this exact scenario. only i let it drag out for about a year. all i can say is listen to chai. i should have taken that advice a long time ago. i guess women that dump guys can switch to just friendly conversation without missing a beat. i know i couldn't handle it and in the long run trying to deal with it was a whole lot worse than just cutting her off.

[Nap-Man]

man, i need to not play around on this site at work. i just laughed outloud at the previous comment. that last line is freakin classic.

[annie24]

Ditto to what Chai said. Do the last roundup of her stuff, and that's that. Screen your calls for a while since she isn't getting the message. Now that you've already told her to stop contacting you, she needs to accept it. After all, it was her choice, let her live with it.

[RayKay]

I had a similar situation about a year ago. She broke up with me but wouldn't stop calling, so I changed my number. Easiest way to get over her was not talking to her and getting with her friend. Now its been a year and she somehow got my number, so I just use her now like the *beep* she is. The best way to get over something like that is to bang someone else, proven fact.

 

The way I always heard it was "Best way to get over a girl, is to get under another".

[RayKay]

She made the decision to break up with you, so she should learn the consequences of that - if contact is delaying your healing then go NC and enforce it. Don't take her calls, see if you can block them (call your phone provider if you need to)...you have already told her enough, so it should not be a surprise.

 

My guess is she might be trying to use you as a "pseudo boyfriend" for the emotional support and help when its convenient, but not actually give you any commitment or well, much of anything, in return.

[DN]

Yep, tell her to get her stuff and leave you alone. If she 'cares' about you she should respect your wishes.

 

Sometimes people (not just women) do this stuff because they want to seem like a good person - not someone who cruelly dumps and doesn't care what happens to the ex. But by acting like this she is still really thinking of herself and not of you.

[msj1977]

I agree with NC as well thanks. Weird girl this one is. She usually works on Firday nights and just called me to say hey. Thats it just to say hey and to inform me that she was taking the night off to hang out with some friends. As I really care. I think she wanted me to respond with well do you want to do something together tonight? I didn't I am just letting the pieces fall in place for now. She will get the picture soon. I think she likes to try and have power of me. I think she likes it when she knows she still has an effect on me and hates it when she doesn't. I don't think this girl is normal. But I agree NC is the only way. Thanks.

[Royltnxile]

She's probably nuts MSJ. I've just been through one of these. Dated for 4 months, everything was cool and comfortable. I never doubted how she felt about me. Then, BAM! She pushes me away. After our initial phone conversation about us, I resolved not to call her. She then started calling me.

 

I think she was having 2nd thoughts at that point but wouldnt come right out and say so. Anyway, I think she was naive enough to think that because I'm a good guy I was still going to include her in my activities and life...etc..etc....wasn't going to happen, I was in love with her and wasnt going to get painted in that "friend" category. She since has made herself unavailable to me when she realized that it wasnt going to work like that. I"m better than that and deserve more so I wasn't going that route.

 

What caught my eye in your post is that someone said that "girls seem like they can just "act like nothing ever happened"...thats what my ex did. She acted as though everything was the same between us....we just werent dating and sleeping together anymore...and that we would still be buddies. Like I said, never happen.

 

It's called being able to "deep six" and "bury" their feelings. Keep in mind that girls like this usually cycle back around to you.

 

She's an emotional whack job MSJ. You are doing the right thing by cutting her off right now.

[msj1977]

Well get this!! She has finally realized that I cant do the friend thing. She now is telling me with tears in her voice that I never gave her the space she needed in the beginning and it hurts her feelings. This may be true for the first week or so I was trying to figure things out between us and then I finally said enough and stopped calling etc. Now, she is up set with me telling me we both need time apart and that we are not to talk for two weeks. HELLO there girly I was telling you this just the other day. I also know myself. And that is once I am over the romantic feelings for a girl I choose not to be friends with them. It is just that simple. I see she still is friends with a lot of her ex's but she wont be with this one. Weirdest thing about this girl is I have been told several times she is seeing someone else. However, she really does not want me to know this. So, I feel like she should just move on and put all this energy into her new boyfriend. Of course, he will probably get tired of her soon. I should have been smarter and seen these weird things in this girl. I guess my heart was not thinking. All is well for now. I hope she stops calling me for my sake. I do so much better.

[annie24]

erm... she's telling you she's doing nc on you? Right... she is a little nuts.

 

If I were you, I would screen the phone calls. I wouldn't respond to anything she has to say until you feel like it. You've already told her you want NC, so you've given her fair warning.

 

good luck

[msj1977]

Well it seems just two days after my ex-initiated NC she calls. She leaves a message telling me she bought a new pair of shoes and that she can't find her shoe water repellent spray can. (You know the stuff you spray on shoes to make them last longer I guess). Sure enough just as I guessed, it was under the kitchen sink. I thought that was all of her stuff. But please people tell me something here. If it were me, I would have just written it off. I mean the can was $5.00, but for the life of me. What alterior motive does this girl have if there is one for wanting a $5.00 can back? Oh, and I am going to fill you guys in on a little more information.

 

I realize now that who she dates is her business and none of my concern we are broken up now. However, we broke up after a stupid fight. She then tells me she needs some time. Well, during this so called time I was told she started seeing this guy named Matt. Well I had some trust issues with this girl and checked her text messages in her phone one day from a guy named Matt (we were together then). The message was a sexual message in nature. I kinda wrote this off, but decided to keep a watchful eye. She later found out I checked the message and made up this elaborate strory as an explanation. I told her I dont believe you and I cant control what messages guys send you only you can. Then I really thought nothing else of it.

 

I asked this girl about a week ago if she was seeing someone else. She was very assertive in stating that she is not. She is seeing someone else and my question is why does she not want me to know? We have pretty much the same circle of friends so stuff gets back to me. Is it b/c it is the same guy that I found the message from and she does not want me to catch her in a lie? She has tried to make this relationship disaster my fault. But no its not my fault she was setting something up with another dude and our fight was her way out. She knew she would not be able to keep me and see him for a long period of time. She could cheat and get away with it, but actually seeing two people would have been difficult for her.

 

It gets better all the time though. Thanks

[annie24]

OMG. $5 can of shoe spray.

 

You know what - if I were in your shoes, I would have snapped by now. Totally lost it! When she said shoe spray, I'd have shot back, "What the F is wrong with you?!?!? You F'ing broke up with me! What the F do you want? You wanted to break up! You got it! Now leave me alone!"

 

Yup - (that's some very un-moderator-ish language there). Yeah.... I commend you for not having lost it by now.

 

Stop answering the calls. All of them. If she really wants the stupid spray back, leave it at her doorstep at like, 6:30 AM, so when she leaves for work, it will be there waiting for her.

[msj1977]

That response was too funny. My best friend said the same thing. He wanted me to come back with some wise comment etc. However, I just said you know what dude I am just mentally exhausted now and I cant fight. He then says then what are you going to do? I told him just simply never call her back. He thinks that is good, but he wants me to be a butt head. I just cant do it now I am starting too become amused with it now. By the way she called me at 0245 hrs. last night. She thought I was working a little part time job I work on monday nights. I was sound a sleep and just picked up the phone not thinking to check the caller ID. She says I am just calling to say hey I have not talked to you in a while. Retarded huh? I am doing so much better in fact the more retarded she is the better I am. Besides I am very busy with things these days. I guess she could not have left at a better time.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

I should quote that.

Man some girl really screwed me up. for my story go to a tale of two screwed up people.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

This girl reminds me of someone I know.She is trying to get the emotional part of the relationship without giving anything. She is probably seeing someone who she can't get what she got from you. Not talking to you is gonna make her want you more cuz she no longer has power over you. You can get her back if you play your cards right but I am telling you now, it is probably best if you don't. She is friggin nuts! There are so many crazy girls like her out there. If you do talk to her DO NOT SHOW EMOTION! It'll make her want you more but it will also not give her what she is trying to get from you. These are the types that have intimacy issues.

[msj1977]

Okay last night did not turn out the way I intended it to. My ex- called me earlier in the day and said she wanted to hang out. At first, I was resistant b/c I have been doing so well. However, I gave in and went to have a few drinks with her.

 

Things started out really good. I felt really comfortable and much at ease. She and I talked just like we were geat friends again. Before she and I started seeing each other we were best friends and spent a lot of time together. Somehow we lost that friendship in the relationship it seems like.

 

As the night was ending we both were a little tipsy from the alochol and I politely said I am going home now. She then stated let me walk you to your car. I didn't think much of it and just started to get into my car. At this point she says arent you going to hug me. I really did not want to but I did. When I hugged her it turned into a really long hug. I then cracked and said I have missed you. She then starts crying saying I have missed you too. Then she says I have needed this space. I end up at her place for the night nothing physical took place we both were exhausted. That is what I am really not happy about going to her place and I asked if I could come over. She did not object. I am so mad for going over there.

 

First off I was really surprised that she wanted to see me last night. Surely, this new guy I have heard about would be around. Well guess what he was in Cancun. Bam it hit me and I was able to think for my self again. I do like this girl a lot. However, I have changed b/c I am not wearing my heart on my sleeve anymore. I think she knows this.

 

So, I am writing this to try to describe how I really feel. I feel angry very angry now. Angry b/c I truly believe this girl knew I was basically getting over her. I think that she is just trying to string me a long. I dont think the things she told me came from her heart. What makes me the angriest is that I think it is sickening to string people along. I know that when I end relationships and start seeing someone new I dont string the ex along. I clearly tell them it is over and that I am seeing someone new. Maybe I am jusy too old school here.

 

All of this is starting to make some sense to me. The fact that she doesnt want me to know she is seeing someone new is b/c she knows that if she told me that would be it. And it would be it, I probably would never talk to her again. So, why am I talking to her now if I believe she is seeing someone else? Thats just it though I am not truly sure if she really is.

 

Another problem I have is that in two weeks she and I are involved in a major function together that we have to attend together. I keep praying that the two weeks will come and go. I know that b/c of that function I am still trying to maintain a cordial relationship with this girl. Once that is over I keep telling my self I never will talk to her again for some time. My cell phone contract is up then to so I was contemplating a new number as well. This girl has probably sent me 40 text messages over the last week. Messages stating "I dont feel well" or "are u mad at" or "are you sleeping." The last message is the most annoying one b/c I was sleeping and the text woke me up.

 

After all this I can say I am not back to where I started. I know I still care for her, but the hurt is still not like it used to be. The week of NC did a lot for me. I really would like two full weeks of NC. I am sure then that I could shake this girl for good. However, I dont really think she is going to let me. And I probably will give in again. Please let this function she and I are involved in come soon. Well thanks for letting me vent. Venting really does help.

[msj1977]

Well a lot has happened over the past week. My ex and I still made contact with each other. It was actually okay at first, but I realized that I couldn't bottle up my feelings anymore. I am so upset that she never let me be a lone when she said she was. I was not strong enough to not respond to her text messages and phone calls. I was strong enough not to initiate anything. So, what I predicted would happen happened. I knew that I was going to crack and say some very mean things that I did not mean. I took some pretty mean verbal cheap shots at her. She says I emotionally messed her up by saying the things I said to her.

 

All I wanted was time away so I could one day say it will okay for us to be friends. I knew that I would blow up at her and then I would get my space. However, I did not want to get my space in this way. I feel guilty now and I know she will never talk to me ever again. She just cant understand that I needed time away and that I could not just go from being with her to great friends in a matter of one day literally.

 

Maybe this is for the good. I will heal with time. I just dont ever want to wonder if I lost a really good friend b/c I couldn't keep my mouth shut and communicate with her in a more appropriate manner. I guess you live and you learn.

[quing]

Hey msj1977 sounds liek you have a simular story to mine or you are in a simular position at least.

 

Here Is part of what I have posted previously.

 

Well after a natural no tears, no begging and a strict NC of 25 days recomemended by ex-back, apart from replying to the odd email regarding her things to be collected.

My ex of a 6 year relationship who I loved and trusted, left me 25 days ago to date another guy had now pushed me into the corner for us to meet and have a drink.

I had rejected 2 previous offers by saying I was busy but this time she used the excuse of 'money' which she actually owes me a lot of (this could have been sorted by email.

 

Anyway after hearing the usual ex retoric of "how extrordinarily happy she is now" and how she is doing the most 'amazing things' (the same as what we were doing, not that I even asked her) I just said I am really happy for her and once again wish her really well for the future.

She then said she does think about me sometimes and tries to imagine what I would say in certain situations.

She asked about me and I said, well for what she had done I had not thought about her (Lie of course, I think about the betrayal)

 

I said I am sorry I cannot be her friend to meet up and chat to, I said once again I forgive her but will not forget the betrayel, and that I do not think about her and that it is sad but she made it like this.

I said I will not ever look back at the 6 years we had together as it is now tarnished from what she did so now my 6 years is a now in my head a complete blur.

She said she did not see what she did as betrayal and then tried to make out it was my fault and that I had emotionally blackmailed her to not leave me once for a clean break, (my mom had just died of cancer not long before that time, so yes obviously I was a little needy at the time) I appologised for that part and said I did not chain her to my bed so she still could of left still.

 

Well I said whatever I was still felt betrayed and I am going to move on if you don't believe how I will move on just ask my other ex's how I will move on forward and forget them.

 

This seemed to take the wind out of sales and she looked like she was a broken women as she walked off.

She hinted for me to walk her home but I said I have to go, she then wanted a hug and kiss and I smiled and asked what for? when she did I just turned my head so her kiss hit my neck and my hug had no effort.

She then said will you call me and I said 'what for? 'and she said to talk and I said 'about what?'

 

Now if I had not done all this I felt I would become a little dog that would jump through her hoops for her while she does what she wants and would just have to I take it.

 

 

 

Now the big question that ran through my head is should I have mentioned that I felt betrayed and my trust was broken when she asked about the relationship, which I said I did not want to talk about.

 

I mean I played it very self-righteously and cool, I looked very good as well from hitting the sun bed directly after we split..

 

I would like her to start chasing like mad, and I could not have played harder to get, but should I have mentioned betrayal?

 

I am intrigued now what could happen if anything, it has been three days since we spoke, and I am up and down but I still feel I cannot chase or contact even though I have a few urges, she will gain all the power.

 

Have believe I played it right????

 

oh yes I should have put this at the beginning but a bit of background, I am 31 she is 27 and throughout all this our coversations including our meeting I have been, gracious, good humoured and confident. no nastyness or bad emotion whatsoever and I have never once brought up the relationship.

[minrjohn]

My ex does the same thing. He calls but he cant give me a reason why. He says he still cares about me, but I know he doesnt want to be with me. I think that there are two reasons why your ex might be doing this:

1) She likes to be wanted or needed. She doesn't want to be with you, but she still wants you to make her feel desired.

2) She feels bad for hurting you in some way, and it makes her feel better to call you and still be your friend. It's her redemption.

 

If it doesn't make you feel good, then you need to tell your ex that, and ask her to stop calling. I know it's easier said than done though, I haven't been able to do it yet..

[msj1977]

Well, as far as why this girl still calls me is b/c she is still confused about how she feels about me. She told me this guy she is seeing she does not see her self ending up with him. She also stated that she feels bad for him because she knows she is putting him through a lot b/c of the scattered emotions she has. She told me she chose to see someone else b/c she did not feel our relationship was right and that she was sad about that and felt that it was easier for her to just start seeing someone else. She also said that she is not used to being alone so she kinda grabbed the first thing that came her way. So, all the calling and trying to hold onto me is her way of lets say holding onto me in case she decides to come back. Well, to say the least that kinda disgusts me. People are free to make their own decisions in life but it seems her decisions are being made selfishly. If this girl cycle arounds to me again which I think she will I would be the worlds biggest fool to take her back. The way she has handled things reminds me of girls I dated in high school. This woman is 25 years old.

 

Now that I understand this about this woman it is time for me to make sure that I never take her calls ever again. It seems to me she is too much heartache for the taking. Poor guy she is with now. Just two days before I figured all this out she threw her self on me crying kissing my cheeks and going for my mouth. I am sure her new boyfriend would have approved of that. I guess this new guy which I have no ill will against will be the next sucker.

[msj1977]

Well the update is the same. I obviously do not have this girl out of my system yet or I would not be posting anymore. She leaves me a voice mail stating that "I am assuming you are not picking up for whatever reasons you have but I am just calling to see how your weekend was." Well my weekend sucked thanks. I am not going to tell her that of course. Just when I think I have figured things out I realize that I have not figured things out. Why is she still calling me. She broke up with me why cant she leave me alone. She has no intentions of getting back with me so why all the effort? I feel stupid b/c I know I still care. Maybe once I dont care anymore I will figure her out or possibly by that time I wont care to figure her out. She pretty much threw me out like a piece of garbage and she knows this. So, what is her deal? Oh well life goes on I guess. I wonder what is in store for me today as far as calls from her go. She stopped last night at around 9:00p.m. Hoping she will stop for good today. I am tired of even talking to her so I am not going to tell her to stop. Maybe she will get the hint.

[annie24]

Dude - don't pick up the phone anymore! Screen your calls. Don't return her messages. Simple as that.