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dating an over thinker


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So quick story short, met this guy unlike anyone I've ever met before. However a huge over thinker. He asked to be my boyfriend after a couple of months we get along great, have so much fun, laugh and genuinely I've felt super comfortable and happy. He has never had a girlfriend before and states this is a huge step for him - telling people he actually has a girlfriend introducing to friends and family as he is a commitment phobe. Out of the blue he comes up and states he has so much going on - true and he doesn't think he can look after or be responsible for someone elses wellbeing after being in a toxic 'relationship' - who was never his girlfriend for five years. I took it in my stride and though upset knew it ran deeper than that and it wasn't me. He fully cried and was distraught that night and then followed me claiming he is such an over thinker and is thinking about the negatives like what happens if I break his heart or destroy him etc - I know it sounds ridiculous but it's deeper than anything I've ever known or how genuinely his mind does not stop working. The next day he declares he's in love with me and we start over deciding to be 'present' in the moment and not to over think or think too much about the future - because he worries about the negatives so much instead of focusing on the positives. It's been great, except he had a panic attack with work commitments and says he constantly worried if it will turn out like it did with the old girl - where he now feels responsible for making her so depressed and insecure. Im a really stable person, and I know its standard move on but I genuinely love and care for this man - I've never met someone like it. With future talk, it's about travelling and wanting babies in 1 to 2 years, but randomly states how big the world is and there's so many things to do. Non judgement advice would be appreciated or having someone to chat to. What I've learnt is things aren't black and white but I'm struggling to remain stable when someone is so constantly questioning everything and every decision they make.

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He's acknowledged 100 percent how much he overthinks and wants to work on it. I get calls or have conversations about how much he loves me and wants to be in the moment and etc etc - then the next day I get - 'all I know is I have so much fun with you but you need to do what your gut tells you.' - then after that 'sorry some things you say just remind me of *rachel and it brings back bad memories.'


I just can't help but think - if he really loved me and was committed then it wouldn't be like this? but then I know again, when feelings are involved its difficult. I jus know he feels personally responsible for the old 'girlfriends' depression and blames himself - but doesn't explain his ups and downs with me. I don't know. Is it normal to have a break from each other, we've been with each other every night for weeks - he always compares everything to other people - like someone he knows met his wife and for 15 years straight they've seen each other every night because they just knew - and now he's like lets have a few days to recoup ourselves because of the intensity.

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If he’s not engaging with you in a way that makes you feel loved and wanted.....consistently! It is a ok to cut this one loose. Believe him when he tells you he can’t be a good partner, people are surprisingly honest about their availability (that is to say lack there of)

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He's not an 'over-thinker'. He's just not ready for a relationship and keeps trying to allude to that.


It's unclear why you state this "He has never had a girlfriend before", if this is the reasoning he gives you:

after being in a toxic 'relationship' - says he constantly worried if it will turn out like it did with the old girl
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It's not 'helpful' to him or yourself to allow him to position you in the role of his amateur therapist. The guy needs professional help or otherwise the time and distance to work out his problems on his own. Either way, he's not relationship material at the moment. I'd tell him that I adore him and can envision the two of us together in the future--that's why I'm walking away to give him the opportunity to resolve his old ghosts. If he ever believes that he's ready and willing to pursue a committed relationship with me, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.


This leaves the door open to future potential without damaging that potential with well meaning but misplaced desire to 'fix' the guy. He'll either meet you on higher ground someday, or he's not your 'meant-to-be' deal. I'd allow him the dignity and credit for finding that out for himself.


Head high.

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I disagree with this, dating a person who can’t give evenly to the relationship and is taking absolutely No steps to resolve that will erode the ops sense of self worth until there is nothing left. They can pour all of themselves into a person like that and the person will still need more.


It would be different if they had history and the anxious guy was working with a mental health professional.

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Okay, so he has anxiety. It's caused by something about your relationship. Probe deeper and find out what he's stressed about... Is it something you're doing or that he wishes you were doing?


Sometimes just the "idea" of having a relationship causes tremendous anxiety for some people.


I just read in another forum about a girl who literally had "oneitus" (her word) about a guy she had two dates with last year but "wasn't ready" so she asked if she could contact him next year (now this year) and he said sure.


After obsessing about him for months, she texted him asking what's up, they started texting and suddenly she foresees him asking her on a date, possibly leading to a RL (in her mind anyway) and she proceeded to have a full blown panic attack, right before our eyes, she couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, haphazard posts reflecting severe stress, ending with her suddenly blocking him for no other reason than he expressed interest in going out on a date! Then she asked the mods to lock the thread.


Her excuse was that they were "incompatible." Crazy!


All this, after SHE had been obsessing about him for months, and finally finding the nerve to reach out


This is worst case commitment anxiety "phobia" same symptoms as being locked in an enclosed space (claustrophobia), it's VERY real.


Not saying that's what's happening here, I only posted it to show it's not always about the person you're dating or your interaction; it's the "idea" of having a "relationship" that causes some people to overthink, freak out and run, or pull back.

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