brookew17 Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 Honestly, I don't think it's you at all. I think there are just crappy people out there that don't care about who they hurt. I couldn't sleep at night leaving someone hanging like that, even if I didn't care at all anymore. I would reach out and give someone closure just for their peace of mind. Obviously you guys weren't meant to be. And hopefully this relationship has taught you a couple of lessons and made you realize what you want out of your next one. There are decent people out there. Just take some time and focus on yourself. Forget her. She sounds awful and selfish. No offense. Link to comment
brookew17 Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 Now I am so full of regret. At first I regretted fighting with her because I didn't realize that I was right. I thought the breakdown of the relationship was my fault. I was guilty for not doing enough to keep it working. Then I regretted crying and begging and pestering her, giving her all that power over myself and making it easier for her to treat me like this. Even telling her about the proposal. That was a huge mistake. I never gave her a chance to miss me. I regret I didn't stand my ground. I feel like I should have been the one to break up and keep the power more balanced. It may be my ego here too. I hate how she can just look at it in this way now. She broke up, I cried and proposed and she doesn't regret leaving me at all. I regret having reached out over Christmas and taking away her guilt if there was ever any on her part. I gave her this last satisfaction to tell her I missed her and that I wish she was still here. My biggest regret is to ever let her into my life to this extent. I gave her my heart and showed her my deepest emotions. My fears, my depression, my anger, my love. I gave her myself. I let her use myself. There is nobody who I was ever so open with only to be dumped like this afterwards. I let her throw me away like garbage. I am so full of regret! You have to stop regretting so much. That will eat you alive. At one point in time that's exactly what you wanted. So don't regret it. What's done is done. You absolutely cannot change anything that happened. What is the point and worrying so much about it if there is nothing that can be done? All you have is today, and tomorrow and you gotta make the best of it. You gotta stop living in your past. Make changes today. Stop regretting things today. You can't change it. Only hurting yourself. Just remember that. Make a decision today to stop hurting! Best of luck! Link to comment
Hula567 Posted January 12, 2018 Author Share Posted January 12, 2018 Thank you Brooke. She was a very cold person in general. I don't think she ever used the word "sorry" in a sincere way. I also never saw her cry. The only emotion that ever came out of her was anger, excitement and maybe sometimes encouragement, but only when it was about something she wanted out of the relationship, like pushing to have a family or for me to make more money. When I pointed out any of her flaws. She became either defensive or completely silent. She has a strong ego and everything she does is justified in her mind. That's why I could only hope in desperation that she will one day realize how wrong and selfish her actions are. I have let people go before, but I let them down easy. Very easy. And from this experience I have learned that I was right in doing it in this way. I don't like to string people along, but I kept at least low contact with everyone who ever tried to reach out to me. Some of them turned into great friendships later on down the road. Anyway, you are right. Obviously, it's time to move on from the past and learn from my mistakes. You know how it is. Sometimes your feelings take over and that is when I want to post here and share what's on my mind. I have been doing well in so many other areas in life. Maybe that is because of me trying to feed my starving ego and to deal with this cruel rejection. I also need to stop trying to understand her, or stop wondering about what she thinks of me and my actions, and what I could have done differently. I need to steer my thoughts towards the present and the future, and stop myself from dwelling on what happened in the past and stop trying to find answers that I will never get and overthinking every little detail. Link to comment
Hula567 Posted January 13, 2018 Author Share Posted January 13, 2018 Oh no! I broke NC last night. I was out drinking and I sent her a message. I guess that was a mistake again, but I don't feel any different today. I basically told her that I am glad I put my foot down and that it was the right thing to do. I also told her that I didn't really want to propose at that moment and that I said it in a moment of weakness, but I am sure she already knows that. I also told her that she showed me who she really is after the breakup and that I fell for the person she pretended to be. I wished her a good life. I know that I shouldn't have done this. I think that posting here brought back some thoughts yesterday and I had a little too much to drink before and wasn't able to judge the same way. But I know that shouldn't be an excuse. Anyway, I don't regret it. I shouldn't have anymore regrets. What's done is done. Now back to NC forever. Why do I even care about what a women I have nothing to do with, who lives in a far away city thinks of me. She lives her life without me on her mind and so should I. I guess this may be a set back, but so far I don't care too much anymore. It doesn't affect me in the way it used. I need to be disciplined going forward and stay strong! Link to comment
Dominique Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 You are human and her actions hurt you. Don't let your relapse get you down. Keep moving forward and realize that you deserve better than this woman. Truly, you deserve better. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 Either delete her number from your phone or keep it saved as DON'T!! so you won't do this again the next time you're drinking. Sometimes initially the texter feels fine but the next day or day after they start feeling bad, like "Why didn't she respond, didn't I mean anything to her???" Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 Hey Hula, I'm sorry you are going through this. Drinking and thinking of the ex are a recipe for "disaster". What saved me over the festive period was changing her number to DO NOT CONTACT.. Maybe you need to delete, burn and erase from your brain.. you need to heal my friend. Link to comment
Hula567 Posted January 14, 2018 Author Share Posted January 14, 2018 I am definitely healing. It hasn't been the same feeling I got after sending the last message. It doesn't hurt as much to know that there won't be a response. I at least have learned to accept that aspect the way it is. What still hurts seems to be my ego. I feel that I gave her all that power by constantly writing her, telling her how much I loved her. In hindsight I am not even sure I did really love her. I wish she knows that. I handled the situation so wrong. She told our friend that she didn't even read most of the messages I sent to her. She didn't care enough and thought it was a waste of her time, because of my personality being so incompatible with hers. I always tell myself that I shouldn't worry about what she thinks, but I do all the time. Considering what I wrote to her in my last message it is clear that my feelings are mostly the pain I feel from her just being able to walk away after I told her to. It is like I initiated the break up but didn't really have the power to commit to it, then she took it into her own hands before I could. There were many good moments that we shared, but they seemed so easily forgotten once I started acting up after she made sure this is final. I didn't think she would just shut down completely and not talk to me again, and on top of it she seemed to enjoy doing it. She felt empowered as soon as she saw I was crying, trying to change her mind, and I hate that fact. I even gave her that satisfaction to tell her I wanted to propose. Letting her know that she could have easily had me. That I am one of the guys she rejected because I wasn't good enough. She loved the attention she got and I hate having given her this satisfaction of knowing that it hurt me and it didn't hurt her at all. She really wasn't worth a second of my tears and my efforts to salvage what we once had. Can anyone relate? Is this purely my ego? How can I stop myself from wanting revenge, wanting her to know what she has lost? How can I live with her being so indifferent towards me right from the start? How can I get over this feeling? Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 "Can anyone relate? Is this purely my ego? How can I stop myself from wanting revenge, wanting her to know what she has lost? How can I live with her being so indifferent towards me right from the start? How can I get over this feeling?" Yes, many people will be able to relate to this. My ego was crushed by my last break-up, for sure. She just walked out of a 3 year relationship, straight into the arms of another. It just happens, i'm afraid. You need to adopt the mindset that the only course of revenge is to be happy yourself. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 You can get over that feeling by walking away 100%. Stop with the contact and stop trying to get her to see what she lost. That's just a waste of energy. You can stop this, but you have to want to. Link to comment
Hula567 Posted January 15, 2018 Author Share Posted January 15, 2018 Today is one of these days, I can't control my thoughts: I am so confused that she cut me out of her life completely right away. All the things I did for her and then I mean nothing forever. I didn't expect her to respond to my last email, but I expected her to talk to me when I really needed her to about two or three weeks after the breakup. I let her move in after a month because I trusted her, and all I get in return is silence from day one. Another thing that triggered this today is the fact that she also said one of the reasons she doesn't want to talk to me is because of my personality being so difficult that it affects how I handle things. What does she mean by that? I could have handled this so much better if she had talked to me. Why doesn't she understand this? Is it really me who is wrong in this situation? Is it me who is not acting the right way? I start to think it is...It is my fault for acting like this after the breakup. Maybe that's what she is referring to. She is right. There is something wrong with me. Does anyone know where I can go to speak about this in situations like these? I only see my therapist twice a week and sometimes I get this feeling in the middle of the day and I need help! My friends and family are tired of me talking about this. I am now past month 7 and this is taking over my life and is making it hard for me to take care of my responsibilities. Link to comment
Hula567 Posted January 16, 2018 Author Share Posted January 16, 2018 Does nobody have any ideas where I can go? I haven't slept in 2 nights in a row now and I am starting to have suicidal thoughts, especially early in the morning like this I think about it. I want to sleep, but I have a constant headache. The only thing that has helped me calm down is alcohol but I can't continue to do this to my body. My therapist is ignoring my texts at this point. She starts to remind me of my ex. I can't find anywhere else to go. I am shaking. Link to comment
Carus Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 Hula* I wish I could take that pain away from you but I can't... I am however sharing it with you. You will sleep soon. You'll reach a point of exhaustion and you will sleep. I've used sleeping meds to help me because I MUST keep my business running. I've invested way too much to let that slip..! Are you working? You must keep that up because a loss of income will only make things worse. I don't think you actually want to die, you just want the pain to stop right? It's going to take some time, action and strength. You're in the thick of it right now unfortunately. What do you mean by your therapist is ignoring your texts? Are you not seeing them face to face..? And why do they remind you of your ex? Can you expand on that? Do some googling on grief. This will help you understand what you are going through.... Hang in there Buddy. You are not alone. Carus* Link to comment
Dominique Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 1-800-273-8255 Call suicide hotline anytime. 24 hours a day. They will support you and help you. We r here for you. You have a lot of life to live. Don't leave us because of one person and one relationship. You have more to do. :-) Link to comment
brookew17 Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 Hula, I think you need to see a doctor and get prescribed to anti depressants. I'm sorry for your pain. But is this one person really worth it all? I don't think so. Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 Hugs Hugs. I only just saw your post. I hope you are OK xx Link to comment
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