We broke up and I might be pregnant

[Hollyj]

I read your previous thread. NO ONE advised you to stay with this guy, or stated that you overreacted. . You should be honest with us, as you certainly are not being honest with yourself.

 

You can continue to live in the world of denial, or you can make positive change. I also suggest that you get counseling to understand why you choose these types of men.

[boltnrun]

No, it's not like this.

 

I don't have to ask him what's wrong. He eventually tells me. Sometimes it's 20 minutes later, after he's withdrawn for a while. Or, if we don't see each other for a while, it's the next time I see him in person.

 

He hasn't ever sulked if I don't give him attention. He has, however, perceived my actions as either annoyed with him (when I'm truly not annoyed) or rejecting him (when there's something else going on and I'm not rejecting him).

 

And none of that bothers you? You honestly think this is effective conflict resolution between two adults? You'd rather he "perceive" instead of flat out asking you?

 

You can't see that this is his way of keeping you off balance so you'll always be tiptoeing around? You can't see that no matter what you do, he'll always "perceive" something negative so he can have the upper hand at all times?

 

And do you think with the way he handles things that he'd be a good father?

[Hollyj]

No, it's not like this.

 

I don't have to ask him what's wrong. He eventually tells me. Sometimes it's 20 minutes later, after he's withdrawn for a while. Or, if we don't see each other for a while, it's the next time I see him in person.

 

He hasn't ever sulked if I don't give him attention. He has, however, perceived my actions as either annoyed with him (when I'm truly not annoyed) or rejecting him (when there's something else going on and I'm not rejecting him).

 

How's this different. He is giving you the silent treatment. This is what you stated earlier.

[emzara]

I read your previous thread. NO ONE advised you to stay with this guy, or stated that you overreacted. . You should be honest with us, as you certainly are not being honest with yourself.

 

You can continue to live in the world of denial, or you can make positive change. I also suggest that you get counseling to understand why you choose these types of men.

 

I asked more than just people on this forum. I am being honest.

 

Can you please stop speaking to me with that tone? I am asking for help to see this situation clearly. I don't like hearing, "You can continue to live in the world of denial, or you can make positive change."

 

I'm trying to make the RIGHT decision.

[emzara]

And none of that bothers you? You honestly think this is effective conflict resolution between two adults? You'd rather he "perceive" instead of flat out asking you?

 

You can't see that this is his way of keeping you off balance so you'll always be tiptoeing around? You can't see that no matter what you do, he'll always "perceive" something negative so he can have the upper hand at all times?

 

And do you think with the way he handles things that he'd be a good father?

 

Yes, it bothers me. No, it's not effective. That's why I'm asking for advice.

 

And honestly, no, I don't see that this is his way of keeping me off balance. I don't feel like I have to tiptoe around him.

[boltnrun]

But you do keep making excuses for his childish behavior.

 

What is it you're looking for? Reconciliation?

[Hollyj]

You keep asking the same questions. We have expressed our concerns, as to what you have told us. I don't know what more you expect.

 

The guy has serious issues - which we have laid out - and is not relationship material. He certainly is not suited to be a parent. You also need to address your own issues with choosing men like your father.

[emzara]

But you do keep making excuses for his childish behavior.

 

What is it you're looking for? Reconciliation?

 

I'm trying to determine whether or not I'm just gunshy because of my abusive marriage or whether or not this man is showing true red flags.

 

I feel like making such a huge decision requires giving the big picture. The way he handles hurt feelings is not at all healthy and it really does come across as punitive. I agree and I've said as much to him a few times.

 

He has also been very good to me. I'm well aware that abusers can be incredibly sweet, so I'm not naive that way. I just don't see this clearly. I really thought maybe I was overreacting and that he's a good man.

[Hollyj]

He has serious red flags!!!

[emzara]

You keep asking the same questions. We have expressed our concerns, as to what you have told us, numerous times. I don't know what more you expect.

 

The guy has serious issues - which we have laid out - and is not relationship material. He certainly is not suited to be a parent. You also need to address your own issues with choosing men like your father.

 

Yes, I'm well aware of this. I am finding it hard to have you repeatedly rub this in. It's not my fault I grew up with an abusive father and have subsequently repeated this pattern over and over. I've been to LOTS and LOTS of counselling. At this point, if I've chosen another abusive man, I wholeheartedly give up!

 

I'm not clear about the situation. I don't expect anything from you. I'm just trying to do my best to sort this out. Cut me a little slack, please.

[boltnrun]

If it were me I would not accept this childish, punishing behavior. It seems he's been pretty successful at convincing you you're at fault and you're overreacting.

 

And yes, that is manipulative. But we can only be manipulated if we allow it.

[emzara]

No, it isn't him that has convinced me that I overreacted. It's me that's worried that I overreacted because in the past I have overreacted. I had so many triggers because of my dad that I would fly off the handle if someone was, for example, ten minutes late.

[Hollyj]

But, it is your responsibility to yourself, to correct things. You know this guy is not a good partner, but try to excuse away the behavior.

 

Perhaps, you had the wrong therapists. As you are repeating the pattern, and questions behaviors that you know deep down, are toxic.

[Hollyj]

Yes, I'm well aware of this. I am finding it hard to have you repeatedly rub this in. It's not my fault I grew up with an abusive father and have subsequently repeated this pattern over and over. I've been to LOTS and LOTS of counselling. At this point, if I've chosen another abusive man, I wholeheartedly give up!

 

I'm not clear about the situation. I don't expect anything from you. I'm just trying to do my best to sort this out. Cut me a little slack, please.

 

But, we have advised you that it is bad, but you keep on challenging it. It is frustrating.

 

You did grow up in an unhealthy environment, but you are an adult, and have been choosing to ignore/excuse bad behavior.

[emzara]

Ok, that's clear. You wouldn't accept someone shutting you out or punishing because he feels hurt.

 

This has been bothering me all week. What I wrote him was:

 

You wrote something about how you would have texted me every night had you not felt hurt about me not saying goodbye. So, that translates to: because I was feeling nauseous and eating and had no clue you came back in the house to connect with me, you then essentially created a disconnect for your entire trip, which exacerbated the distance between us and made things far, far worse.

 

One simple, “I would like another goodbye kiss” would have prevented that entire disaster.

[Hollyj]

I give up!!! I can only say the same thing so many times.

 

Good luck!

[emzara]

But, we have advised you that it is bad, but you keep on challenging it. It is frustrating.

 

You did grow up in an unhealthy environment, but you are an adult, and have been choosing to ignore/excuse bad behavior.

 

I'm not challenging it. I'm aware that writing a few paragraphs on the internet can be misunderstood or taken out of context. So, I'm trying to make sure that this truly is what's going on and acting appropriately instead of immediately taking your word for it.

 

You can't force someone out of denial. They need to see it for themselves.

[Purusha]

These things are a question of intent and degrees, many of us have been in similar situations where the intent has been harmful, however from what you've said he seems well aware of his issues and how this coping mechanism he's developed is a method of control and security for him and how it affects the relationship.

 

The problem that you have is that your coping mechanisms are diametrically opposed, and whether or not he's willing to take on board a different coping mechnism to suit your relationship is only something he can answer and take action on, maybe this is something that you can discuss with him?

 

If he doesn't want to do this I can't see how this is going to particularly work for you as you'll constantly be triggering each other, which would make for a fragile relationship.

[emzara]

I give up!!! I can only say the same thing so many times.

 

Good luck!

 

Good because I would prefer to speak with people who are a little more gentle in their approach, to be honest. You're berating me for not seeing what you see.

 

My process is valid (the process of really looking at the situation carefully and asking questions to make sure I get it).

[emzara]

These things are a question of intent and degrees, many of us have been in similar situations where the intent has been harmful, however from what you've said he seems well aware of his issues and how this coping mechanism he's developed is a method of control and security for him and how it affects the relationship.

 

The problem that you have is that your coping mechanisms are diametrically opposed, and whether or not he's willing to take on board a different coping mechnism to suit your relationship is only something he can answer and take action on, maybe this is something that you can discuss with him?

 

If he doesn't want to do this I can't see how this is going to particularly work for you as you'll constantly be triggering each other, which would make for a fragile relationship.

 

Thank you!!! Yes, I agree that we have different coping mechanisms that oppose each other. And this may make for a very difficult road.

 

The part I'm not convinced about is whether or not he's intentionally doing it to hurt me or control me. I don't know that he's aware of it. I really have no clue if he realizes what he's doing. I have suspected that he's so self-involved with his own hurt that he doesn't even realize the effect it has on me. This is very different than deliberate emotional abuse and control.

[boltnrun]

I think the frustration results from you excusing his behavior or by deciding you may have "overreacted".

 

I do not think you overreacted. He punished you for not mind-reading that he wanted another goodbye kiss by being uncommunicative for his entire trip.

 

If that seems reasonable to you, then by all means carry on. But it doesn't seem like you think it's reasonable...so why second guess and decide you overreacted?

 

I can only presume you don't want to let go of him and this relationship so you're trying to rationalize and excuse his behavior and concluded you overreacted.

 

But it seems like this is a pattern with him, so the real question is, can you accept a "forever" of this behavior from him? Do you think he'll be an effective and dedicated father when this is the way he reacts to "perceived" slights or hurts?

 

PS: People continue with behaviors when they work for them. His sulking and refusal to communicate results in you apologizing to him. So yes, he does it deliberately because it gets him what he wants. And does it really matter if he is aware he does it? If someone does something harmful the end result is the same whether or not we think they "meant" it.

[Purusha]

I would say that's really your litmus test then, if you explain the affect it has on you and why, and discuss ways in which you can communicate that supports both of your vulnerable spots it's a way forward.

 

For example, if he needs some distance but doesn't feel safe enough to say it you can come up with a 'safe' word, and the same for you, so that you're both on the same page if you both decide to get some help making your way through this transition onto better ways to communicate, build trust and find other ways of coping.

 

If however he doesn't take it forward and actively try to deal with issues you'll have the answer that you need.

 

I'm not totally convinced that he doesn't understand what he's doing as it sounds like you've been clear with him, but switching off a coping mechanism like that is often easier said than done and likely something he might need some help with or by doing his own research and work on his own if he doesn't want to talk to someone.

 

There are lot of books out there if he doesn't want to see a therapist, but the important thing for you is to see a willingness and commitment to make things better so that you can both be on solid ground.

[emzara]

No, it doesn't seem reasonable. It's why I felt completely justified breaking up with him.

 

I really appreciate all of you trying to help me. I also want to make sure the details are clear. For one, I didn't apologize to him. He admitted he was too sensitive and that he had misunderstood. He hasn't yet apologized for creating distance and being silent his whole trip, though.

 

More than the not communicating about his friend, the fact that he barely texted because I was in the kitchen eating to settle an upset stomach and had no idea he wanted a kiss goodbye is definitely problematic and has bothered me.

 

Paired with the other times he has done similar behaviour does really bother me.

 

He returns home tomorrow. We spoke on the phone this evening and he said he wants to try again with me. I have a place to live lined up for a couple weeks from now. I have to decide between tonight and tomorrow, when he returns, whether or not to tell him that I don't actually want to continue trying with him.

[emzara]

For example, if he needs some distance but doesn't feel safe enough to say it you can come up with a 'safe' word, and the same for you, so that you're both on the same page if you both decide to get some help making your way through this transition onto better ways to communicate, build trust and find other ways of coping.

 

THIS!! This is why I keep saying I'm not sure he means to hurt me.

 

I told him it bothered me when he gave me the silent treatment and since then, he started saying, "I'm not giving you the silent treatment, I just need to process". And then when he was done, he would tell me how he felt, we would communicate, and it would be over. Easy, no complication, and no extra hurt.

 

but the important thing for you is to see a willingness and commitment to make things better so that you can both be on solid ground.

 

Exactly. Thank you. This is a very thoughtful answer.

 

I am not decided yet, but it's either I end it tomorrow or I make it 100% clear that I won't tolerate the way he doesn't communicate, find agreed upon coping mechanisms and alternatives, and if I don't see improvement, then I leave.

[boltnrun]

I would also want to know why he immediately jumps to "perceiving" that you're annoyed or whatever when you've said no such thing. Why does he assume negatives? That, to me, sounds like what my mother would have called borrowing trouble. Looking for issues when there are none. The old Eeyore, poor me act.