We broke up and I might be pregnant

[Purusha]

Sounds like you have a plan Bear in mind it may well not be a one way street as your coping mechanism may be a trigger for him too.

[emzara]

I would also want to know why he immediately jumps to "perceiving" that you're annoyed or whatever when you've said no such thing. Why does he assume negatives? That, to me, sounds like what my mother would have called borrowing trouble. Looking for issues when there are none. The old Eeyore, poor me act.

 

Yes, this is also a concern. It's not so much poor me, Eeyore. He gets annoyed with me for being irritated. The other thing that happened right before he left on his trip was that he asked me to work on a website. I was overwhelmed trying to study and shuffle boxes, so I felt overwhelmed. He perceived that as irritated. I was not at all irritated. He said he was annoyed with me for it and that I needed to communicate better. He said he was afraid to talk to me about it because he was afraid at how irritated I would get.

 

This scared me because my abusive ex-husband talked over and over about how "aggressive" I was as a way to subdue me. When I got upset with his atrocious behaviour (if you think this boyfriend is bad, whoa boy, my ex-husband was a Narcissistic master manipulator who did things I never thought possible) - he would tell me I was being bossy or controlling or aggressive. He said he didn't feel safe with me. So, then it became about me being the bad one.

 

I don't see the same behaviour in my current boyfriend, but I do see how incredibly sensitive he is to his perception of someone being annoyed.

[emzara]

Sounds like you have a plan Bear in mind it may well not be a one way street as your coping mechanism may be a trigger for him too.

 

Haha, my coping mechanism is to break up. I run away. So, yeah, I think that would be triggering for anyone. In my defence, I've had a lot of crap in my life and running away was a healthy thing to do a lot of the time.

[boltnrun]

And again, that is his issue.

 

Instead of you having to pay the price for his "sensitivity", how about he do some work on that? Is he capable of recognizing that he's being unreasonable when he "perceives" falsely that you're annoyed or irritated? Has he said he recognizes that he's incorrect with his "perception" and he wants to work on changing his incorrect perceptions? Or does he simply continue with the same behavior and reaction?

 

I do think it's rich that he says YOU need to communicate better, but his method of "communication" is NO communication. He honestly thinks he's better at communicating than you are? Maybe he should listen to his own advice...

[emzara]

And again, that is his issue.

 

Instead of you having to pay the price for his "sensitivity", how about he do some work on that? Is he capable of recognizing that he's being unreasonable when he "perceives" falsely that you're annoyed or irritated? Has he said he recognizes that he's incorrect with his "perception" and he wants to work on changing his incorrect perceptions? Or does he simply continue with the same behavior and reaction?

 

I do think it's rich that he says YOU need to communicate better, but his method of "communication" is NO communication. He honestly thinks he's better at communicating than you are? Maybe he should listen to his own advice...

 

Yes, I pointed that out to him and planned to address it again. I was furious when he wrote that I needed to communicate better. Are you kidding me?!?! I explained to him at the time that I was too busy to wrap my mind around the website. I communicated exactly how he said I should communicate.

[boltnrun]

Look, I had an ex who would do something to upset me and then immediately expected me to be fine if he apologized.

 

For example, he didn't like making hotel reservations so he asked me to do it. Turned out the hotel had very limited truck parking (we traveled in a hauler). I had never been to that city and, based on my research, it looked like there was plenty of truck parking. He yelled and yelled and yelled about what a lousy job I'd done picking a hotel. After about 15 minutes of this, I threw the reservation paper on the seat of the truck and said "Then make the reservation yourself next time!" and got out of the truck. He immediately said "Oh baby, don't go!" and started hugging me and trying to kiss me. I moved away, and he said "But I apologized!" And I said "You need to give me a minute to get over you yelling at me for 15 minutes". He then backed away and sulked, complaining that I wouldn't accept his apology. I did, but I wasn't able to go from 85 mph to zero like he apparently was.

 

That is an example of how the same situation can be perceived differently. He took it as me rejecting his apology when all I needed was a few minutes to calm down.

 

I will say that relationship was extremely unhealthy because he set the mood at all times and I had to either go along or go away.

 

Seems like in a fight or flight situation, your response is "flight". And his is also "flight" (non-communication). Would that be a fair assessment?

[Purusha]

Hmm, I'm wondering, since you've experienced narcisstic behaviour whether you have a tendency to withold? It's quite common to see couplings like this where one person's coping mechanism is to withold, and the other withdraws.

 

The reason I ask is that in some of your posts you say what he did/said, but not what you did/said, so I'm wondering whether this is the case?

[emzara]

Look, I had an ex who would do something to upset me and then immediately expected me to be fine if he apologized.

 

For example, he didn't like making hotel reservations so he asked me to do it. Turned out the hotel had very limited truck parking (we traveled in a hauler). I had never been to that city and, based on my research, it looked like there was plenty of truck parking. He yelled and yelled and yelled about what a lousy job I'd done picking a hotel. After about 15 minutes of this, I threw the reservation paper on the seat of the truck and said "Then make the reservation yourself next time!" and got out of the truck. He immediately said "Oh baby, don't go!" and started hugging me and trying to kiss me. I moved away, and he said "But I apologized!" And I said "You need to give me a minute to get over you yelling at me for 15 minutes". He then backed away and sulked, complaining that I wouldn't accept his apology. I did, but I wasn't able to go from 85 mph to zero like he apparently was.

 

That is an example of how the same situation can be perceived differently. He took it as me rejecting his apology when all I needed was a few minutes to calm down.

 

I will say that relationship was extremely unhealthy because he set the mood at all times and I had to either go along or go away.

 

Aye, aye, aye, this does sound very dramatic. Mostly, I don't like how he expected you to accept his apology. That's not how it works. And yelling, in general, is very damaging. I see how that was unhealthy.

 

Seems like in a fight or flight situation, your response is "flight". And his is also "flight" (non-communication). Would that be a fair assessment?

 

I would say that his is "freeze". I definitely "flight", although sometimes, when I feel very threatened, I "fight". With my ex-husband, after over a year of his abuse, I started to scream. Not just yell, but scream until my voice was hoarse in order to stand up for myself.

 

I once told my boyfriend that I was scared and that my knee-jerk reaction was to break up with him, but that I didn't want to break up with him. He stammered on the phone for about 15 minutes. Like, as in, he couldn't even form words. He kept trying to talk, but then making no sense or not even pronouncing real words.

 

This is partly why I don't think he intends to hurt me, but I may still be fooling myself.

[emzara]

Hmm, I'm wondering, since you've experienced narcisstic behaviour whether you have a tendency to withold? It's quite common to see couplings like this where one person's coping mechanism is to withold, and the other withdraws.

 

The reason I ask is that in some of your posts you say what he did/said, but not what you did/said, so I'm wondering whether this is the case?

 

Can you define "withold". Withhold affection you mean? If so, no that's not my style.

 

Where did I not say what I did/said?

[journeynow]

I would also want to know why he immediately jumps to "perceiving" that you're annoyed or whatever when you've said no such thing. Why does he assume negatives? That, to me, sounds like what my mother would have called borrowing trouble. Looking for issues when there are none. The old Eeyore, poor me act.

This, and yet assuming you trust him enough that he doesn't need to communicate his change in plans. He withdrew because you called the last good-bye from the couch (after already hugging and kissing good-bye?), but why, what did he make that to mean? If you both have to tip-toe around each other because you are both so sensitive (hurt by interpreting things the wrong way, not because of intentions) then what would that be like going forward? You can each defend your right to feel hurt, and your reasons, but I don't know if I'd call that real communication. Communicating might be him asking for a hug and a kiss to you on the couch, it might be agreeing to talk when he arrives, it might be him letting you know his phone had died as soon as he could, and that when he chose to stay longer he'd tell you he'd explain later. Too many unspoken assumptions and expectations are hard on relationships.

[emzara]

Too many unspoken assumptions and expectations are hard on relationships.

 

I completely agree with this statement!! Amen to that.

 

 

This, and yet assuming you trust him enough that he doesn't need to communicate his change in plans. He withdrew because you called the last good-bye from the couch (after already hugging and kissing good-bye?), but why, what did he make that to mean?

 

I don't really know. I helped him pack, I made him food, I bought him things for the road, I fussed about his tires not having enough air because I worried about him, I kissed him... I have no idea why he was hurt or why he felt disconnected. Actually, now that I write that, he might have felt nervous because he thought I was annoyed about the website and his way of reconnecting was the kiss goodbye. Other than that, I'm really not sure.

 

 

Communicating might be him asking for a hug and a kiss to you on the couch, it might be agreeing to talk when he arrives, it might be him letting you know his phone had died as soon as he could, and that when he chose to stay longer he'd tell you he'd explain later.

 

Yeah, I think he should have done all of these things.

[boltnrun]

If he'd said "I'm leaving now, can you come give me one last hug and kiss?" I sincerely doubt you'd have screamed "NO!!!"

 

So, he seriously needs to use his words.

 

I find I'm much more successful at getting what I want when I simply ask for it. And no, whatever it is I want is NOT "less valuable" if I have to ask. It's what I believe grown-ups do.

[emzara]

Completely agree.

[Purusha]

I meant by not being necessarily explicit in what you think or feel, rather than affection - a common coping style is to not be very communicative with how we feel, while inviting the other person to express themselves so that we feel safe before and if we're open. Sometimes with partners who withdraw and are hyper-vigilant this can make them feel unsafe so I wondered whether this might be a communication issue from your side that you might want to consider/watch for.

 

It was a question rather than an accusation but if this isn't you it was probably just your trying to explain his behaviour rather than your own.

[journeynow]

With my ex-husband, after over a year of his abuse, I started to scream. Not just yell, but scream until my voice was hoarse in order to stand up for myself.

 

I once told my boyfriend that I was scared and that my knee-jerk reaction was to break up with him, but that I didn't want to break up with him.

 

You may have mentioned and I missed it, but are you working on this behavior (the screaming, the fleeing) with a professional in order to learn to recognize and foster healthy relationships?

[boltnrun]

So, what I suggest is some variation on the following:

 

"We seem to have some issues with communication. I'd like to try to work on those issues. So what I'd like to do is make a promise to one another that we will not react to "perception" or "assumptions", but rather we'll ask for what we want and ask for clarification if we're unsure about anything. I'd also like to agree NOT to react by either reducing or withholding communication or by fleeing the situation. I think we can care enough about one another to try to make sure we never put ourselves or each other in a situation where things are left un-discussed."

 

Give him a chance to respond to this and then act based on his response. Honestly, I think the both of you could benefit from using your words instead of knee-jerk reactions that haven't worked out well up to now.

[emzara]

Ah, I see. No, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm very expressive and fairly direct about how I feel. I also studied communication for years and years. I tend to use Non-violent communication both when I'm speaking and when I listen. I reflect back a lot, "So, it sounds like you feel rejected because..." and, "I'm feeling disappointed because I wanted to... and when you cancelled, I felt hurt...".

 

The thing I completely admit to is breaking up easily when I perceive the possibility of red flags. But, according to people here and based on my abusive marriage, that might not have actually been unhealthy and breaking up would have been justified... if only I had actually stayed broken up.

[emzara]

You may have mentioned and I missed it, but are you working on this behavior (the screaming, the fleeing) with a professional in order to learn to recognize and foster healthy relationships?

 

I don't think that needs addressing, for a few reasons. First of all, yes, I've done tons of counselling. Second, I no longer scream. Although my buttons have been pushed in this current relationship, I haven't even come close to yelling. I calmly explain. Fleeing, well, see my previous post. I'm thinking it's a good thing to recognize unhealthy behaviour and leave before it gets worse.

[emzara]

So, what I suggest is some variation on the following:

 

"We seem to have some issues with communication. I'd like to try to work on those issues. So what I'd like to do is make a promise to one another that we will not react to "perception" or "assumptions", but rather we'll ask for what we want and ask for clarification if we're unsure about anything. I'd also like to agree NOT to react by either reducing or withholding communication or by fleeing the situation. I think we can care enough about one another to try to make sure we never put ourselves or each other in a situation where things are left un-discussed."

 

Give him a chance to respond to this and then act based on his response. Honestly, I think the both of you could benefit from using your words instead of knee-jerk reactions that haven't worked out well up to now.

 

This sounds like a great start, thank you!!!

 

I need to decide, before he gets back tomorrow, whether or not I even want to work on it. If his silent treatment is punitive, it will never change and I need to leave right away. If it's not intentionally cruel, then I think he just needs to work on his sense of safety so that he can communicate more clearly. I'm not sure.

[journeynow]

Ah, I see. No, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm very expressive and fairly direct about how I feel. I also studied communication for years and years. I tend to use Non-violent communication both when I'm speaking and when I listen. I reflect back a lot, "So, it sounds like you feel rejected because..." and, "I'm feeling disappointed because I wanted to... and when you cancelled, I felt hurt...".

 

The thing I completely admit to is breaking up easily when I perceive the possibility of red flags. But, according to people here and based on my abusive marriage, that might not have actually been unhealthy and breaking up would have been justified... if only I had actually stayed broken up.

It's tricky, but important, to learn to trust yourself, too. We learn as we go, right? And get better with experience.

 

(Some thoughts about the reflecting back.... I know someone who does this to me, but it feels like parroting and performing and almost to keep me at arms length. I don't feel heard or understood in the least, I feel she is going through the motions, but not actually listening. It seems forced and she comes across as patronizing.)

[Purusha]

I suspect you'll get a good gauge by his reaction and your instincts as you have a good balance of seeing your own issues in conjunction with others, so I think you'll do ok.

 

Best of luck

[emzara]

Oh yuck. Yeah, I've heard it done where it sounds patronizing and it's not helpful. I try to really get to the crux of what the person is feeling and which needs are relevant. Something like, "It sounds like you need to feel safe enough to express why you feel hurt. And if you don't feel safe, you withdraw? It sounds like when you don't express how you feel, it's because you're feeling scared?"

 

Ugh, these days trusting myself = trusting I can run if I have to. Case in point, I still have a backup apartment I can run to.

[emzara]

I suspect you'll get a good gauge by his reaction and your instincts as you have a good balance of seeing your own issues in conjunction with others, so I think you'll do ok.

 

Best of luck

 

Aww, thank you. That's sweet.

 

I have pretty insightful dreams and I think the answer will come in my dream. It may already have. I had a dream about sugar (it's long, but I'll keep it at that). In real life, I don't eat sugar because I know it's bad for me. I think the dream might have been trying to say that even know this man seems incredibly sweet, he's not good for me. I'll see.

 

Thank you so much for your insights.

[journeynow]

Yes, if it comes to giving anyone the benefit of the doubt when it comes to trust, trust yourself first. You learn the most about yourself that way, which helps in the long run.

[emzara]

This is excellent advice. Thank you.