Am I making a mistake by being with her?

[Jjrb2016]

I have been dating this girl for 9 months now and I am having doubts because of everything that has happened in our relationship. I love her so much and care about her beyond belief but I dont know what to do. Here is the jist of our relationship:

 

Everything was great for the first 5 months of our relationship. We rarely argued and everything was great. One weekend I left for business and got drunk with some of my old buddies. I texted a girl I used to have a thing with asking to hook up at 2am. We never connected and I felt so stupid the next morning. A few weeks later I let my girlfriend use my computer for an assignment and I fell asleep early. She went ahead and looked through all of my messages. She found the conversation between me and this girl and also saw conversations of me and my ex years ago and girls I had talked to before we had met. I went through a bad period of my life where I man-whored a bit when my ex dumped me. All of those conversations were there. She called me out asking if I had ever cheated on her which I havent physically and I said no. She became violent and showed me all the messages she found.

 

Ever since we have been very on and off, and our relationship has had a lot of rough patches. She has become physically abusive with me (I have never ever laid a hand on her and never would), she constantly yells at me, kicks me out of her apartment and brings up my past actions. I told her if we were ever going to move on that we cant have her bring up the past as Im trying to make a mends of it.

 

For the past few months she has physically abused me, she has made me delete my social media because she says she cant trust any females in my life. She is constantly jealous and questioning me every time I pull out my phone.

 

This has gone on for a few months, it has gotten better (she has only hit me once in the last month and a half) but she still brings up the past and makes jabs at me. Its driving me insane.

 

To make matter worse she became pregnant a few weeks ago and just recently had a miscarriage. I feel awful having all these doubts now with everything she is going through. When she got pregnant she called me and broke up with me, claiming she was afraid. She instantly regretted it and called me back. By that time, devastated, I broke down and told my parents everything bad that she had done to me. Like any parents they absolutely despise her. Im at a point now where I dont know what to do. I love her and care about her beyond belief and would love to make things work. I constantly have to hear the disapproval of my parents for obvious reasons and my friends have even noticed at times. Am I making a mistake by holding onto something that isnt healthy for me? My head hurts so bad all the time and im depressed but when Im with her everything goes back to normal.

 

Based on what you have read would you ever stay with a girl like this? And if so is it even possible to convince my parents that she is a good girl? Because I believe in my heart that she is.

[DaisyMayPorter]

Please break up with this person.

[AtitAgain]

My man... Don't know what to tell you. I have done far worse than what you did, and am hoping to get my girl back. If she can't move past what you did (and it seems like she can't) , you are going to have to let go. I mean, you did kinda bring it on yourself.... but..

 

Physical abuse is NEVER ok. Never... it doesn't matter what happened. I mean, if that first night that she saw the messages she slapped you around a bit, not okay... but I get it. But since then... just no. Not okay.

 

Imagine if you have a kid with her, and every time she loses her temper she takes it out on you and the kid. Do you want your kid's mom to be like that? What would your child learn? That it is okay to hit, to yell, etc? That Daddy is mommy's doormat?

 

I would pick a date on your mind, a month or two tops. Let her know that you can't go on with the relationship in this fashion, and that she needs to get over what happened. That you are sincere and honest with her, and that if she can't trust you, then there is no point in moving forward.

 

If by that date you haven't seen CLEAR and SIGNIFICANT improvement. Call it quits.

[Jjrb2016]

What if I have seen improvements in the last few months? And I am happy when things are going right?

[AtitAgain]

What if I have seen improvements in the last few months? And I am happy when things are going right?

 

If you are posting here wondering if you should continue, that means that the improvements are not improvements enough doesn't it? "Happy when things are going right" - "Sad when things are going wrong".

 

No man. Pick a date on your mind, don't tell her. And be honest with yourself. If she can't change... what about other problems that you WILL have later in life. Problems with family, jobs, kids, etc... if she reacts like this every time you disappoint her, you will have a miserable life my man.

[rosephase]

Don't ever stay with someone who thinks it's okay to hurt you on purpose. The way she is treating you in untenable.

 

When there is a breach of trust in a relationship you can forgive and move forward or you can break up. She wants to not forgive and take the moral high ground forever and beat you up physically and emotionally for a text. That is not someone that is ready or able to have a healthy long term relationship. Get out of there before you really get her knocked up.

[rosephase]

What if I have seen improvements in the last few months? And I am happy when things are going right?

 

Has she apologized for being abusive? Does she recognize her actions as abusive? Has she attempted to make amends? Has she said she is going to stop kicking and hitting you? Stop holding one text against you? Has she offered to go to anger therapy? Or couples counseling.... because nothing short of all of those things would make it worth trying.

 

She is showing you that she believes it's okay to hurt you on purpose. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Nothing short of fully admitting that and working very hard towards that never happening again is worth any more of your time or energy.

[Jjrb2016]

She has apologized for her abusive behavior and it has not continued, she feels terrible that she resorted to that when she was hurting. She says that she is willing to do anything with me to make it work. I have seen improvements

[AtitAgain]

She has apologized for her abusive behavior and it has not continued, she feels terrible that she resorted to that when she was hurting. She says that she is willing to do anything with me to make it work. I have seen improvements

 

Then its really up for you to judge. But I would watch and see if this was out of the ordinary behavior, or if it is her go to reaction when she is upset. Because you will fight in the future, it is the nature of relationships, and if she always reacts this way.. it will not be a fun life.

[rosephase]

She has apologized for her abusive behavior and it has not continued, she feels terrible that she resorted to that when she was hurting. She says that she is willing to do anything with me to make it work. I have seen improvements

 

What is she doing to "make it work" because if she hits and kicks people when she is upset she need professional support in making changes.

 

She apologized... but does that mean she will never do it again? You say you've seen improvements... what does that look like?

[HeartGoesOn]

Based on what you have read would you ever stay with a girl like this?

 

Not to sound rude, but the better question would be "why would she stay with a guy like you?"

 

Either way, rather than taking the high road and walking away, she chose to turn to abuse. She was wrong to go to that extent, therefore she doesn't earn any brownie points in that sense. In short, this relationship is a done deal, (imo).

[Jjrb2016]

She hasnt laid a hand on me whenever she gets upset. She makes the occasional jab through a joke but no physical abuse

[HeartGoesOn]

^

Are you saying that you're the victim here?

[Jjrb2016]

I acknowledge Ive had my faults in the relationship, she says she wants to work with me like I want to work with her

[Jjrb2016]

I definitely have felt victimized in this relationship

[rosephase]

She hasnt laid a hand on me whenever she gets upset. She makes the occasional jab through a joke but no physical abuse

 

I wouldn't stay with someone who hit me. Period. End of sentence. The fact that she is still making jokes about the thing that caused her to physically assault you... more than once... seems like a good indicator that she isn't *that* sorry.

 

But if you insist on staying (not sure why you would 9 months in... like, what are you losing? your parents, rightfully, dislike her. You just barely escaped her having your child) I would put a hard line on physical abuse. If she ever hits or kicks you then it's a hard out. My guess is she will. The way she has acted is not the way someone acts when they are a mature adult ready, willing and able for a real relationship.

[AtitAgain]

^

Are you saying that you're the victim here?

 

Its not about victim or perpetrator. If they want to work on their relationship and be together, it is up to them. One person cheating, or flirting with others, is wrong. Another person resorting to abuse is also wrong.

 

For it to ever work, they need to forgive each other and move past it, and learn better and more responsible coping mechanisms to deal with situations like this. For example, he should have texted his girl, and seen if she wanted to talk, instead of texting an ex. And she needs to learn to express her feelings without abuse.

[Jjrb2016]

Its not about victim or perpetrator. If they want to work on their relationship and be together, it is up to them. One person cheating, or flirting with others, is wrong. Another person resorting to abuse is also wrong.

 

For it to ever work, they need to forgive each other and move past it, and learn better and more responsible coping mechanisms to deal with situations like this. For example, he should have texted his girl, and seen if she wanted to talk, instead of texting an ex. And she needs to learn to express her feelings without abuse.

 

This is spot on to what we are trying to do

[Liraele]

She's physically abusing you. (ETA: Wait, I did read that right? *goes back and looks* Yes, you say that.... then you say she doesn't. WHICH IS IT???)

 

For the past few months she has physically abused me, she has made me delete my social media because she says she cant trust any females in my life. She is constantly jealous and questioning me every time I pull out my phone.

 

Physical abuse: That's not just a no. That's a heck no. If that's going on, get the heck outta dodge.

[Imho]

First, Abuse is never okay. While you were telling your parents what she has done to you did you tell them why she started doing those things? She is feeling insecure, jealous and hurt. Something similar happened to a male friend of mine. He and his girl ended up getting married and 6 years later he is preparing to leave her because although he has never done anything like that again she still brings it up and monitors everything he does. He says although he brought it on himself he can't take it anymore and refuse to be miserable the rest of his life because of it and her.

[boltnrun]

You said she hit you. Then you said she hasn't hit you for a month and a half. Then you said things have been good for the past few months. Then you said she doesn't hit you.

 

It's all there in black and white and you wrote it. Why are you now changing your story?

[dkmgoucher]

It sounds very unhealthy

[OverThinker21]

When a girl gets with you. She might trust you a bit but will still have her guard up. But you messaging females like that especially with the 2am issue would start a fire in me.

 

The abusive part you might have to let her go cause of it.

 

She might have trusted you but you let have reasoning not to I have these issues with my ex as well. Sigh.

[OverThinker21]

I acknowledge Ive had my faults in the relationship, she says she wants to work with me like I want to work with her

 

She will always bring up the past now and have something to throw in your face. And you will get tired of it. That’s why I ended up broken up, and my bf did it with someone within 5 days... but he was single but it still crushed me... then I did so I wouldn’t throw it in his face but man it’s been rough.

[Hollyj]

End it..........