My Mother Doesn't Think He's Right For Me

[Sagittarius35]

Hello everyone!!! I've been in my current relationship for 10 months. My boyfriend has 3 kids and I have two kids myself. He has met my kids but I havent met his kids. He's always telling me that he's going to let me meet them but right now he's trying to keep down confusion with his baby momma. He tells me that his babymomma will try to keep the kids away from him and that she has the control over whether or not he sees the kids. Being honest I Love him and he tells me that he loves me so it's not about the money. But because of him having one job and child support being on him for 3 kids, he cant help me when i need help. When i do ask him for help he gets upset and tells me that nobody is helping him. My mother feels that i deserve better because I need someone to help me financially. She tells me that its not a big problem with her that he doesnt have it but the fact that he acts like he shouldn't help. Another issue is his phone, whenever he's with me he has it hidden or has it on silent. When i asked to see his phone he got very upset. I feel like something isnt right and i dont want to be his fool or nobody's fool. We have good times also, when we come together there's a closeness. I feel like he's more than just a lover but a best friend also. Are these things a red flag saying that i should walk away from this relationship? Or should I try to give it a little more time? I'm confused and I dont know what to do but I know that I dont want to be in a relationship that I cant trust that person.

[ThatwasThen]

Your mother is an enabling influence who should be encouraging you to get yourself back to school with the help of social services if need be so that you are an independent, happy single woman who is financially secure and can look after her children free of being obligated to someone else for your livelihood.

 

Your boyfriend owes you nothing... particularly at this point when you are only dating for 10 months. Where is your 'babydaddy?" Is he helping you with child support for your children?

 

If you feel that something isn't right with the guy then dump him and please don't introduce your children to any man that you are not sure of and are in a relationship that is mutual. This man is not on the same page as you. You certainly don't want men coming in and out of your children's lives which is confusing and emotionally abusive to them.

[KJthereal]

Mother knows best...

 

He is clearly viewing you as more of a side relationship than the woman he is going to marry/be a family with. Regardless of the bond you two have made, he is hiding a large part of his life from you. I think he is most likely still playing off his childrens mother, whether it be for sex or whatever the case. And as your mother states, it is not about how much money he has but the fact that he gives attitude or brushes you off shows he has no interest in a serious relationship. He doesn't want to spend his money on you, point blank. I am not saying a man should have to financially support a women (remember, those kids are yours not his.) but his response about nobody giving HIM help was immature and shows a lot about his character.

 

10 months is plenty of time to figure out where a relationship is going. I think you should want better for yourself, somebody who can give themselves to you fully and does not live a double life.

[ThatwasThen]

blank. I am not saying a man should have to financially support a women (remember, those kids are yours not his.) but his response about nobody giving HIM help was immature and shows a lot about his character.

Yea, like he as personal boundaries in place and that he is smart enough to know that he doesn't need to be helping women he hasn't even felt he should be introducing his children to yet.

[pippy longstocking]

Your boyfriend owes you nothing... particularly at this point when you are only dating for 10 months. Where is your 'babydaddy?" Is he helping you with child support for your children?

 

I have to agree with this , op I don't know if you meant to sound quite as bad as you did , but you write like he owes you and your children something , he doesn't unless of course he is staying every night and using your home like his own .

 

You say you have a feeling something is not right ....our gut feeling is our best friend ! If you think something is off , then something is off .......

 

I know women like his ex , who use the children as blackmail , it is terrible and you could be in for a life of hassle , blackmail and drama ...LISTEN TO THAT GUT FEELING .

[SweetGirl28]

He's not responsible to support you nor your children.

I'd personally ditch the guy, because hiding his phone means he's keeping secrets.

I'm doubtful that you're the only woman he's with.

If something doesn't feel right, it isn't.

[boltnrun]

Number one, no, he should not be giving you money for your children. Your kids' father should be doing that. Where is he, BTW?

 

And number two, if he has a child support and custody agreement filed with the court, his "baby momma" can't legally withhold his children from him without being in contempt of court. Let me guess, he doesn't have an order in place because he doesn't want to make her "mad"??

 

Your expectations that he should give you money are wrong and he is wrong if he doesn't have a visitation order filed with the court. Just a mess all the way around, IMO.

[KJthereal]

Well most people when they get in a long term relationship will view it as an economic gain, because two people are now pooling their resources together. I think in general if your serious about someone it's an automatic that the man is going to contribute somewhat financially to the household. I don't think OP should expect him to support her kids, I am just thinking that is where her mother is coming from... he will be more dead weight than a benefit. He is not going to be of any help it sounds. Is he morally obligated to be? No, we can all agree that. I'm JS her mother probably just thinks if she is going to date, may as well date someone who is adding something to your life. Financial independence is important but I wouldn't want to date a cheapskate either.

 

And that is just one tiny part of it, never mind the secrecy.

 

Overall he is NOT husband or long term partner material, and I personally would not want to date a man with 3 kids who can't bring anything to the table other than dinner, drinks and some sex. To each their own though.

[ThatwasThen]

Well most people when they get in a long term relationship will view it as an economic gain, because two people are now pooling their resources together. I think in general if your serious about someone it's an automatic that the man is going to contribute somewhat financially to the household. I don't think OP should expect him to support her kids, I am just thinking that is where her mother is coming from... he will be more dead weight than a benefit. He is not going to be of any help it sounds. Is he morally obligated to be? No, we can all agree that. I'm JS her mother probably just thinks if she is going to date, may as well date someone who is adding something to your life. Financial independence is important but I wouldn't want to date a cheapskate either.

They are only dating... Op has asked for help already, she has indicated that her mother is telling her that since he won't help her now (when they are not even likely dating exclusively (hence the secrecy) she should ditch him. (as you say, never mind the secrecy) which isn't anything like what you say above, which btw, I agree with, if it were the case. :)

 

My mother feels that i deserve better because I need someone to help me financially.

Work on getting to the point where you support yourself and your children with the help of child support from your babydaddy.

[melancholy123]

Your mother is an enabling influence who should be encouraging you to get yourself back to school with the help of social services if need be so that you are an independent, happy single woman who is financially secure and can look after her children free of being obligated to someone else for your livelihood.

 

Your boyfriend owes you nothing... particularly at this point when you are only dating for 10 months. Where is your 'babydaddy?" Is he helping you with child support for your children?

 

If you feel that something isn't right with the guy then dump him and please don't introduce your children to any man that you are not sure of and are in a relationship that is mutual. This man is not on the same page as you. You certainly don't want men coming in and out of your children's lives which is confusing and emotionally abusive to them.

 

This! ^^^^^

[Hollyj]

He SHOULD NOT be helping you out. Where do you get these strange ideas that you bf should help support you?

 

Do you work?? What about the father of your kids? Why isn't he helping with support?

 

Why does your bf not have visits scheduled through the court?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Too much babymama drama, too many lies, too much shifting the blame to the babymama. Why would you need his help financially? "Help" should come from your children's father, your job, your family and if necessary, social services, not some guy you've been dating several months.

because of him having one job and child support being on him for 3 kids, he cant help me when i need help. When i do ask him for help he gets upset and tells me that nobody is helping him. My mother feels that i deserve better because I need someone to help me financially.