Jump to content

Open Club  ·  99 members  ·  Free



Recommended Posts

Decided to start my own ena journal. I tried to keep a paper one this year, but for some reason I felt I needed to write really profound entries that I would look back on so rarely touched it! Bizarrely I feel I can be more throw-away on here.


2017 has been really naff. Just felt stuck, paralysed through the whole thing. As a fitting end, I found out today that the man I had a ridiculous crush on during the year has got engaged. We were colleagues but had known each other since primary school. I hadn't seen him since going away to university a decade ago, until he started working at the same place. We seemed to get close and he sort of led me on, then he moved away in August to live with a girl he met online. They can only have met in April! During the summer I deleted all social media contact with him so I wouldn't be confronted with stuff like this. I'm still hung up on him because living in a small rural town and being a picky cow, I don't develop feelings for anyone quick, or meet anyone new. Hoping I'll force myself on at least one date in 2018. I've been single for nearly three years. I feel so desperate sometimes.


Career is a joke. I hate my day job. Groundhog day every single week. Attempted to do freelance work but it all fell through. There's such a gap between the level that I'm at and the level I "should" be, and I've no idea what steps I need to take in between. All my peers since uni seem to have left me behind and I don't know how to catch up.


In the meantime, the centre that I volunteer at has offered to take me on to cover maternity leave this spring. Upside: I get to learn more admin stuff and it's something I can put on the CV. Downside: I have to keep my day job because the centre doesn't get enough funding for full time roles. So I have to stay in this rubbish town, with no close friends and no social life. Also, it's a massive leap from the role I've been doing so I hope I can handle it. Or maybe they just won't renew the contract after three months, haha.


Roll on 2018.

Link to comment
  • Replies 105
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Woke up late. As usual. My excuse is that I'm sick with a cough that's going round, and couldn't drop off last night until about 3am anyway. One of many resolutions for the new year is to start getting enough sleep/get up at a civilised hour!


Bad PMT as well. Doesn't help with the news yesterday. Missing my cat that was put down a month ago. She would always stay close when she sensed you were upset. Keep looking down at my feet/the floor and expecting her to be padding about. Wonder if my parents will get another pet. Definitely too soon right now.


Trying to be grateful about things. At least I have a job, roof over my head, general health is alright, building up savings. But for what point? I'm still a pathetic loser that nothing seems to have gone right for. Is there any point in self-improvement when there's no guarantee it'll lead to success in the end. What if I reach 40 and still in a low wage job, degree that's meant nothing, no partner, no kids. If there was a painless off switch I would press it. Never ever believed I'd think something like that, yet here I am.

Link to comment
Is there any point in self-improvement when there's no guarantee it'll lead to success in the end.


If only life was that easy. But you can use a different approach: this is what makes life interesting. More difficult, sure, but also more entertaining :)


What did you study if you don't mind me asking?

Link to comment
Thanks Dias. I did animation but have never been able to break into it. The volunteering gig is within the arts sector, so a side step but it's been keeping my hand in.


That's great!


Have you tried relocating within the UK or Europe to get an entry level job in the arts sector? Small towns do not offer much unfortunately. Also, it's a good opportunity for meeting new people!

Link to comment

Out of uni, I applied to studios in Scotland (in the bigger cities) and a couple in England. The responses I got were either "you're good but not good enough" or radio silence. Now my stuff is so outdated and my skills are rusty that I would be back at square one. I had my eye on Dublin which is going through a "golden age" of sorts with their studios, but no experience to get my foot in the door yet. That's idea with the volunteering - I'm seeing more of the admin/finance side of things so can maybe transfer that into getting a support role or production management. Maybe, if the industry stills calls for me. Sometimes I feel I should pack it all in and do something else, that would actually pay, lol.


I've never had the nerve to totally up-sticks and move countries. It's probably what I need most right now but my mental health has been shot to F this year so have stayed with family. During university I lived with flatmates but never got on with them. Lived with a boyfriend a couple of years ago but that didn't work out either!


My original plan was to get through Christmas, sock away as much money as possible then look for jobs elsewhere so I could move out in 2018. Unfortunately this maternity cover gig keeps me here for at least 3 or 4 months from March. Really hope it's good in the long run!

Link to comment

Thanks Silver!


I managed yesterday but only did half my shift today. Colleague kindly drove me home. She's also the one who nagged me to just go home, now I'm in bed. Haven't eaten all day, should really try something. Need to phone work later and let them know if I'm doing tomorrow. Absolutely hate letting them down and bailing out.


There's been an art project I've been sitting on for at least two years but never started. It would be for a series of zodiac prints that could also tie in with animated ecards or something. The final 'look'/style keeps changing in my minds eye. Last night while coughing and spluttering it changed yet again. In a good way though, the original idea is quite twee and I'm looking to sex it up a bit.


Can't keep warm enough to sit at my computer and hash ideas out on photoshop right now though.

Link to comment

Watched the hogmanay coverage on tv with parents last night. It's kind of a tradition where we sit there and slag the bands off and everyone who's outside in the cold. We agreed that the Edinburgh fireworks looked particularly impressive this year though. Not that I can remember what they were like last year, or the two years I was there in person. A firework is a firework!


Went out briefly to the supermarket to get some air. Black cat a few doors down jumped up to greet me. Didn't stop to pet it because the owners could see me through the window and I'd look like a crazy person who wants to steal their pet. I miss cats though. They definitely seemed to absorb tension from you, purring away and you realise you couldn't feel mad anymore, now there's nowhere for it to go.


Watching too many Conan O'Brien clips online. Wish full shows would air in the UK. I don't watch a lot of tv, but would tune into his if I knew it was on. Debating whether to start Silicon Valley because I need a new crush to offload all my frustrated fantasies onto, and somehow that ended up in the form of Zach Woods. Trouble is I see boxsets as such timesinks and feel guilty sitting down to watch anything. I still have Orphan Black and Suits dvds to get through.


My friend suggested a couple of weeks ago going abroad for a month or so. I could take a career break from the retail job. Ended up on gap year websites. Backpacking etc seemed like my worst nightmare in high school so had no interest in it. More symptoms of my ongoing quarter life crisis!

Link to comment

Friends from uni are meeting up in the city tomorrow. I'm working and by the time I finish it'll be too late to head up and see them, drat. Wish I had close friends in this town I could call on to go to the pub with and just vent with. That's definitely what I'm needing right now and really miss it. Terrified this is what my thirties will be like if I don't meet someone to date. Not what I anticipated at all.

Link to comment
Friends from uni are meeting up in the city tomorrow. I'm working and by the time I finish it'll be too late to head up and see them, drat. Wish I had close friends in this town I could call on to go to the pub with and just vent with. That's definitely what I'm needing right now and really miss it. Terrified this is what my thirties will be like if I don't meet someone to date. Not what I anticipated at all.

Have you tried online dating? Meeting someone from a town close to yours...?

Link to comment

Not yet Dias. It's another thing on my mile long to-do list. It seems a lot of work up-front so have been putting it off. I don't have good current photos of myself and need a thicker skin to steel myself against the weirdos. I have a dummy OKC profile, no pics and a one-sentence profile, so I could go on and just browse. I came across two exes on there. One had photos that I took of him a decade ago, ha ha ha. There's a reason why we're all on there, ugh. Sorry, seem to be throwing every advice back at you!

Link to comment

Noticed last night one of the big edinburgh festivals has started advertising paid internships. Completely forgot they start listing them in jan/feb. Just typical timing. On first look it's part time then I assume full time during the festival. Couldn't hurt to get an application in, def need more practice at that.

Link to comment

Feet hurt today during and after my shift. Need to find better shoes for standing in one place. Ideally I'd find a plain pair of trainers but somehow I'm always the one that gets hauled up for carp like that.


Neither here nor there, the "will I/should I have kids" dilemma has been playing on my mind. The primary trigger is my nephew is due in a couple of short months, and there's a definite ovarian twitch whenever an extra cute kid is in the shop. It's just assumed that's the route you'll go down but I'm not sure if it's a dream I shouldbe chasing anymore. It's like a parallel trajectory that everyone else is on but I've never been able to get on it. Of it's all hypothetical right now with being extremely single and skint!

Link to comment

Walked to work in -6C this morning. Will be a similar story tomorrow I bet. Car takes too long to deice for just a three minute drive so wrap up and walk.


Today's shift was a farce. I HAVE to leave this place this year. Not getting anything out of it anymore. It's going to take everything to find motivation to actually do it. Been sucked dry of energy from this cough bug. Pretty came home and slept this afternoon. Early shift tomorrow then have afternoon and Tuesday to myself.

Link to comment

Drew my first drawing of the year in a small sketchbook that handles ink easily. I started it late so didn't finish until 2am. Need to work out a better routine with fitting in some sketching. My room is awful for getting anything done, I couldn't even put my hand on the brushes I wanted. I should really ban any drawing until I get off my arse and organise this place!

Link to comment

Logged onto my dummy dating profile last night out of curiosity. I hate having these thoughts but dating at this age I've noticed I'm getting shallow about men that are aging faster than others - eg getting higher hairlines, losing hair etc. Then there's others on there who have gone in the other direction and have kept long 'rocker' hair. Just not my thing anymore, despite showing over 70% matches.


There is one guy who's profile is still visible every time I log in and keep going back too. In the questionnare/match section we're in the 90s then in the enemy bit its single digit! Same age and lists that he's reserved/quiet. Self styled nerd into sci-fi etc. Thinking of messaging him then get cold feet!

Link to comment

Wish my week off would come sooner. Day job and art centre want me to do extra for them both but soo lacking in motivation for anything.


On a positive note I got some good feedback from the art centre. I train other volunteers on our ticketing software and one told my manager I was very patient and made it all seem very easy. Inside I feel the total opposite! Will need to hold onto that and build on it. Sometimes feel that all I do is d**k about in the computer during my shift and don't achieve much, but the other members seem to have faith in me. Worried about the paid role because I have soo many rookie questions I need to speak up about. Mission for next week!

Link to comment

Snow is forecast tonight and during all hours tomorrow. It won't go far above freezing. friend wants me to go into town, haven't seen her for months aand I know she's been feeling rubbish recently too. Will see how bad things are in the morning.


A customer at work yesterday said she thought I was about 20 - 21. She seemed a bit embarrassed when I told her I'm 30 and that I must get ID'd a lot. I thanked her and said I'll tell people I'm 20 instead! My demeanour comes across as naive/young as well I think.


This week I won't have any alcohol. I enjoy beer at home, wine sometimes, but it's so easy to go for "just another one" and feel it the next day. I was always a lightweight. It's definitely not helping this cough or my energy levels.

Link to comment

We got snow so didn't meet up. First snow of the year! Dithering on this festival application. I don't have current references and the form needs them listed up front. It's also more hours than expected so that would make juggling my work with the art centre tricky.


Want to go to the doctor next week. Have a health issue that's flared up in the last week and my mind is going to dark places of what it could be.

Link to comment


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...