Journal for 2018

[dias]

I'm now an aunt! All seems to be healthy, kid is a good weight (far far heavier than my sister and I at birth). My parents are exhausted with all the back and forth. Mum was there during the birth, apparently Dad had just left when 'proper' labour started, thought she had ages to go but was very quick. Sister got home today (she was kept in to monitor any side effects from the epidural). Mum came home yesterday then went back up today to get them home. A few stories of how it went, I won't type them here but let's say squeamish little me is a bit happier with the propect that I may not carry my own child...anyway after months of feeling removed from the situation I can't wait to see the baby! Might not be for a few weeks yet so sis can settle into a routine.

 

New job, still utterly bewildered. I'm not sure if I regret it or not. I go in shaking! Wish I could get a handle on it faster...or maybe never taken it on. But then what would I be doing? Going into my other brain dead job all weekend and sleeping all day when I'm off. Thinking I should speak to a doctor about anxiety treatment to take the edge off.

 

Saw a band the other night. They were a support band a few years ago and I really liked their sound/quirkiness and kept meaning to see them ever since. Well they were brilliant this time round. The venue was great too, I had only been once because it's in a seedy part of Glasgow so I've put off going back, but it was a good crowd and didn't get any hassle. Moved around the floor a bit but ended up at the front barrier to the side, hanging over trying to get some decent photos!

 

Aaaand in the hotel afterwards (I went on my own), had a dream about engaged guy. He had left his fiancee and came back for me. WTH. Yep, think I do need meds and to get on dating apps asap...

Great news hidden_kitten :)

 

Your new job is something related to art?

[hidden_kitten]

yes, technically taking over from the girl who ran the exhibitions in the studio, but I have to be duty manager during show nights (bands/plays/film screenings in the auditorium) if I'm scheduled then. I wanted to get experience of the admin side seeing that freelancing had fallen on it's face so the general manager is having me look at other 'projects' as well. I think I've bitten off more than I can chew for 2 days a week, because I've found I have to keep checking emails/other details outside of that job because I guess I am my own department, lol. At least every day I'm in isn't boring! Unlike job number 1 where I can stand for two hours and not do anything at all expect sell a few lottery tickets.

[dias]

Ok, it's difficult but you made positive progress towards your goal. That's important :)

[hidden_kitten]

an update of sorts...so that date I've been promising myself to go on for two years...I've been on two! Trying to distract myself from stressing about new job I filled out my online profile properly and added a couple of pics. The first couple of guys who messaged were just looking for chat buddies (same for me really) so the threads fizzled out. But one guy who looked alright in his photos listed similar interests, especially on the music/gig front so kept messaging with him until he invited me out in Edinburgh a couple of weeks ago. Quite nerve wracking, my voice always cracks when I'm nervous but there was a lot of pawing at his face on his side too haha. He's a very sweet guy but says he's never had a proper girlfriend...hmm, not sure if I want that responsibility. However we were chatting away about bands then he piped up "your bus is in 10 minutes by the way", there was no way I was going to make it from the pub we were in so I decided to stay longer until the next one. The second meet on Monday gone past was a similar couple of hours, unfortunately our schedules don't match up well. He works 9 - 5 Monday to Friday with weekends free. I work full shifts Thurs - Sundays now. Annoying. I've some time off at the start of May, so will message him nearer the time and see if he's still interested. Not very sure what I want out of this either to be honest.

 

Job wise- I still suck at it. My manager has noticed that I'm very anxious and seems to have backed off a little until I get settled but yeah, I should have researched the role more. Nothing like being dropped in the deep end! Just hate the fact I've gone from a great volunteer to a just-barely-managing staff member. Does this get better or just rule out yet another career I can't hack?

[dias]

not sure if I want that responsibility.

 

Job wise- I still suck at it.

What do you mean by "responsibility"?

 

I think it's too early to judge if you are good or not. I needed a year to know how competent I was as a programmer (and I really sucked at first compared to others). Hold on there for a year and see how it goes. As you say in the UK, things have to get worse before the get better :)

[hidden_kitten]

Thanks Dias. If some things don't pull together in the next week I feel I'll be fired...eep.

 

I'm being facetious about the responsibility thing. Dunno, it does feel like a bit more pressure for something to happen whereas I just want to meet new people without thinking of the long run right now (that was in my profile as well). At the end of the dates he's leaned in for a kiss and I'm slightly taken aback because I feel like I've just been chatting to a mate for a couple of hours then reminded "oh yeah, this is the whole point of meeting up" haha.

[hidden_kitten]

Things fizzled out with the online guy. We couldn’t meet up for ages and had little contact in between. He never offered to call and in a sexist way I found myself preferring that he would do it first so I never made the move either. The plan was to have a longer date on the rare Sunday I had free but maybe I should have cancelled - I was very hungover from the night before (again - very rare I go out Saturday nights and get to socialise so overdid it) and just wasn’t feeling it. He definitely picked up on it and sent a (polite) rejection text the next day. Attraction hadn’t grown on my side anyway, his attitude seemed weird in the end and he was starting his third job in a year. Didn’t seem to take responsibility for issues that contributed to that which rubbed me the wrong way too.

 

There were a couple of other guys online who came across more enthusiastic but I’ve decided to deactivate my account because I’ve no time to meet them properly. Still struggling balancing two jobs, no weekends off in the next couple of months so think I might wait until I’ve moved out. Fingers crossed that will be autumn/winter time.

 

‘New’ job is weird. Still in over my head and find it hard keeping track of all the loose threads being part time. Dreading two humongous exhibitions coming up and the clients are expecting me to help and give advice when I’m a novice/imposter! Got to the point where I might blame first job (who are genuinely struggling with staffing levels since I dropped shifts) and ask to not continue at second job after my initial contract ends in June. Or do I struggle through with no clue for a few more months, try and learn what I can then move out.

 

Some GOOD news: sister and nephew are doing pretty well and he’s getting so heavy and wriggly! I can only bear to hold him for a few minutes until he starts fussing then I have to give him back because I think I’m holding him wrong. Sis seems to have more of a routine now and can read his needs better!

 

Car MOT next week, booked in at the last minute. Still has a myriad of things that should be looked at beforehand so praying I can find somewhere free before then. I hate cars.

 

Insomnia means browsing flats and trying to work out what’s within my means. Nothing great in Edinburgh, only the dodgy places or retirement flats come up whereas for the same price, finished flats in Glasgow city centre come up. Buying my own is a long, long way off though.

[hidden_kitten]

Another weekend of awkward shifts. Yesterday I went into retail job on little sleep and no food, expecting to just be in my normal role until my break (meant I could sneak in emergency chocolate under the desk to tide me over). Instead got left with running the front end. I hate that role, I’ve never been good at it and felt everything descending into chaos around me. Queues going back up the aisles. Nobody came down when I shouted for relief staff, so opened an extra till myself when really I should have phoned a manager to send someone else down. I always find it hard to judge at the time though, and no idea how to be coached on it - a lot of the front end staff are like “you should just know”. Thanks for the insight!

 

Arts centre was mobbed with a dance show, therefore lots of loud children in leotards and beaming mothers running about backstage and the cafe. Made some incorrect judgements today as well but guess I’ll know for next time even if I have irked people in the meantime. Might have an illustration project coming up, but doubt is setting in about that too. Can the right path illuminate sometime soon please?

[hidden_kitten]

Contract renewed at second job for another few months. Not sure how I feel about that, should be pleased considering for the last few shifts I’ve been convinced i would be heading in and getting fired. Hopefully during this stint I can actually achieve something tangible. Boss gave me a pep talk that I need to fake the confidence first then the rest will come, and that they’ve all been there at some point.

 

Another sticking point is my carp social life. Catching up on work for second job spills into my days off. Fair enough, the more I learn now means the quicker I’ll be at future jobs. However it would be nice to have the option of a weekend off to escape this town now and again. I might have mentioned previously, but I could ask to move/drop my Sunday shift at main job however this will irk a few colleagues who have gotten used to me working all weekend.

 

More gigs lined up in the autumn so that’s eating into my paid time off. Manchester, London and Glasgow so will need to book hotels soon too.

[hidden_kitten]

I need to see someone about my anxiety. If anyone’s reading this and have sought treatment, how did the doc appointment play out?

 

I went to my gp in 2010 about depression and had very real physical symptoms but it felt like an uphill push to get the doctor to believe me. I also didn’t like how the prescription was handled. I was nervous about going on medication but she wrote out the prescription and left the decision to go to the pharmacy with me and no advice on what/when follow up appointments would be. I took them for two weeks and felt so odd, it was like I had to concentrate on just “existing”. That week I had a job interview and thought there was no way I could show up to a new employer in that state, so I stopped and gradually got better with counselling and a regular routine that the job brought me. I still have depressive relapses but anxiety is definitely getting in the way now.

[reinventmyself]

Two weeks is not long enough to get the benefit out of the prescription. Matter of fact the first couple weeks are the worst, until you get the other side. Especially seeing it's coupled with depression, have you considered trying them again?

I am not on any medication but there was a time it benefited me.

 

One thing I was told was to expect that I was going to run on the anxious side. To learn to accept that this will likely be `the monkey on my back' for ever. As much as I wasn't happy to hear this, I understood why it was important to know. Fighting it makes it worse. There is something to be said about surrendering to it and when you do it loses some of it's power.

 

So, I get anxious at times. I expect it and it doesn't scare me any more. I know what triggers me. I also know it will pass and I have some tools to calm it.

 

I am sorry you are going through this.

[hidden_kitten]

Thanks Reinvent.

 

I’ve always read that the first two weeks - a month can be terrible but it was really bad timing to be reacting like that with an interview lined up (had been unemployed for 8 months and this was the only callback). Going through depression last year again, to the point where colleagues noticed, I definitely wondered about trying them again. However it’s yet another thing on a list of stuff I don’t want to do and keep putting it off. Part of me is hoping it’ll be a magic button that’ll turn me into an amazing, confident person but of course it’s a lot more work than that.

 

I’ve also noticed I can’t sit down and concentrate on one task at home. Like I’ll log onto the desktop with the intention of looking up a couple of things online then working in Photoshop for a bit then I have to leap up and sort out my work bag because I’ve forgotten this that and the next thing then get distracted by something else. I’ve tried to-do lists but I end up with about 3 different ones and ignore them all!

 

 

Weather report: the past week has been a scorcher in the UK. Reaching up to 30C here in southern Scotland. Rain was forecast for Wednesday but had another look and it’s changed to sunny/cloudy. Haven’t enjoyed much of it during the day due to my shifts but have had dinner with parents some nights in the garden when it starts to cool down.

 

Just watching footage of Interpol from their festival set in Glasgow yesterday. Can’t wait to see them later in the year. Hope the album is half decent, the new single is a bit repetitive.

[Jibralta]

I was diagnosed with depression when I was a teenager. I was on antidepressants (Tofranil), but mainly I went to therapy. I don't remember side effects, but I was very young.

 

In my mid-20s, I went on Zyban to help quit smoking. Zyban was originally developed to treat depression. I didn't notice anything myself, but everyone I ran into during that time thought that I was super spacey and zombie-like.

 

Anyway, have you see this video? It's very good.

 

[hidden_kitten]

Thanks Jibralta, I read the transcript a while ago and remember finding it interesting. Will watch the video properly this week.

 

Kinda swamped the next week or so. My own fault, signed up to help hang a huge exhibition next week then retail job needed overtime filled as well. Feel quite antsy/agitated thinking about it. Would love a fortnight’s holiday, hell if I could stretch to a month that would be amazing. I feel like I just want to wipe the slate clean and just start from zero on everything, no distractions or explaining to anyone. Can’t do that in a normal life though.

[Silverbirch]

Hope you are feeling a bit better Kitten xx

[hidden_kitten]

Birthday coming up. Booked time off ages at one job around it, then forgot until this week! Was going to plan something for next weekend but turns out it’s this weekend I booked off. Oops. Oh well a couple of friends have offered to meet and go for food and a drink. Will be nice not to be awake at 6am on a Sunday.

 

Still in a weird funk. Still got a whole list of appointments to sort - dentist, opticians and probably two separate doc trips. Ugh. Finally got the car tyres looked at this week though so that’s sorted.

 

Art boy cropped up in a dream again. In all rational sense, it’s probably not him I miss but the lovey dovey feelings I had about him. It would be nice to feel that strong for someone again but I doubt it’s out there for me. Been on and off dating apps, messaging with a couple of guys but hearts not in it at all.

 

I’ll just catch up on my Suits boxset instead!

[Jibralta]

It would be nice to feel that strong for someone again but I doubt it’s out there for me.

 

It may seem that way now, but it probably is out there for you.

[hidden_kitten]

Thank you Jibralta.

 

Arts job contract runs until October. However - my predecessor isn’t answering any of my messages so I’ve no confirmation if she’s coming back from maternity leave. I’m really not feeling it - I’m finding the work quite abstract and “nebulous”. I’m ok with people on a superficial level and doing short transactions with them, but when it comes to networking and trying to be persuasive in convincing artists to show in the gallery and get enough appropriate info from them, on time, I feel like I’m failing miserably. My boss is a bit hands off until the last minute “you haven’t done this yet” - when I never know that it was a thing I was meant to be doing or asking in the first place!!

 

Although there are also some tangible, obvious admin tasks I need to do, I’m struggling to find the best time in the day to complete them amongst everything else, then the whole lot runs away from me. My boss did have a weird pep talk with me this week - that she says that I shouldn’t be settling for my retail job. Agreed, but I need SOMETHING stable for now if she’s not giving me full time work, so I don’t know what I’m meant to be telling her. I think she was sussing out if I want to continue ‘creative’ work as a freelancer but I don’t want to commit to that just now. I don’t have great workspace at home so packed up my lightbox into storage. My portfolio and showreel haven’t been updated for years and I’ve no idea where to start over with new projects, if I did this would take time before I can put my services officially out there. So to say out loud “I’m going freelance” feels very premature.

 

UGH. Can I rewind nine months and not take this job?

[hidden_kitten]

Had Interpol’s “Marauder” on repeat since the release last Friday. I’m not a fan of the muddy mix, Paul Banks voice just gets lost. I know he has a signature droning tone but this is too much. I’ve played around with my iphones playback to get it to bearable levels haha. I really like “Flights of Fancy”, “NYSMAW” and “Surveillance”. Also the two Interludes, but feel they would have worked better as intro and outro or as part of longer tracks themselves. Also the song “Real Life”, of which live footage had appeared online, isn’t on the album. It could easily have replaced a couple of the tracks but hope it appears as a bside at some point. Not their best album by any means but enjoyable anyway, and really looking forward to their gig in November.

 

Still planning my London trip. Added on another gig - the recording of a podcast by one of my favourite comedians so that’ll be fun to attend in person! Messaged my friend who had moved back down there - hopefully we can meet up during my visit.

 

Both jobs are still rubbish. Have a feeling they’ll want me on longer than October, urgh.

[hidden_kitten]

Had the house to myself this week. Only highlight was sister and nephew coming round for a few hours. She says she does get bored in the flat with him doing the same things over and over so the visit broke up the monotony. He can crawl now, before he couldn’t quite get his knees to do what he wanted and would just lurch in the general direction he wanted. He can also roll sideways into a sitting position which is quite funny to watch. Still cries blue murder when tired and tries to fight off sleep. It’s good for you buddy! His eyesight is obviously coming along too - on sitting down in the living room he would stare open-mouthed at the decorative coving that our Mum painted blue in contrast with the white ceiling. It was like he had never been in that room before!

 

Slept in for my early shift again. Made it in time for the store opening. Been invited to a friends flat warming this weekend, which would mean an hours trip into the city after a 10pm finish and a 730am start the next day. My friend scoffed at me when I told her I’ve been struggling with crappy sleep schedules but I don’t think I can risk it. Completely sucks because I would really like to socialise.

 

Haven’t been given my October rota yet but it does seem I’m needed on at the arts centre for the foreseeable future. Ugh. Random job postings keep catching my eye but it’s finding the motivation to get my materials together and actually apply, if I’m even qualified for the role.

[hidden_kitten]

As of tonight I've also deactivated my dating app profiles. With my schedule as it is, no weekends off, I've no energy to meet new people right now. On bumble the last interaction I had with someone was him responding with "yeah". Jeebus!

[hidden_kitten]

Sad day. Got horrible news today that a colleague of sorts has died this week. I can’t write a lot more in case the info identifies me. I’m in shock though, very strange that I won’t see him around in the cafe again but my brain can’t really process it yet. Other colleagues tell me it was suicide. He was 50. I keep thinking back to our last interaction and is there anything any of us could have done or said.

[SweetGirl28]

Sad day. Got horrible news today that a colleague of sorts has died this week. I can’t write a lot more in case the info identifies me. I’m in shock though, very strange that I won’t see him around in the cafe again but my brain can’t really process it yet. Other colleagues tell me it was suicide. He was 50. I keep thinking back to our last interaction and is there anything any of us could have done or said.

 

I'm sorry for your loss. Just know that when someone reaches that point, they've researched and planned and there's nothing really anyone could say or do at that point to stop it, unless they were discovered in the act. Lost a BF to suicide. I had no idea he was thinking of it, I knew he was depressed over his ex getting engaged, but never saw a sign of him wanting to end life. He was taking antidepressants and I was on him to stop drinking . He started drinking more. After, it was found on his computer that he had bookmarked pages upon pages of articles and quick ways to succeed in ending life.

[hidden_kitten]

SweetGirl28, thank you for sharing that and I’m very sorry for your loss too. It still hasn’t sunk in yet that I’ll never see him again, although a colleague told me that some people he knew that were close to him didn’t know how bad he was feeling either. Such a shame. On that note, I have a friend who has been struggling with illness and mental health recently. She lives out in the sticks and with illness has kind of been housebound so I don’t think I can drop in. She’s been responsive to messages though and I’m going to keep hounding her to meet up properly!

 

Nephew has been down with sister for the past few days. He is sooo cute and sweet and his face just lights up whenever he sees someone new. We can’t work out if he recognises anyone other than mummy and daddy and is just happy to see a different face! He can crawl at speed and is starting to get into everything he can.

 

I’ve been watching travel vlogs to wind down. I don’t know if my trip will ever happen with unreliable friend out of action right now and Brexit putting a spanner in the works of EVERYTHING.

 

Inktober starts today!

[dias]

Your contract ends in October, right? What are you going to do now? Did you find a job in a city?