Reality Check Please.....Not sure how to process this.

[surfdog]

About 2 years ago I saw a missed call early one morning (6am) on my wife’s phone from a person labeled “CC” on her phone (her phone was nearby and I instinctively looked over as it lit up, that’s how I noticed the missed call). I thought this was a little odd that someone would call so early and also not have a name, only initials would all so early. It bugged me and I thought about it but I eventually forgot about it.

 

Fast forward to a few days ago. I had to charge my phone so I has to unplug my wife’s phone to plug mine in. Her screen lit up when I unplugged it (iPhones do that). On her home screen I see “text message from CC”. I instantly thought of what I saw about 2 years ago (described above). My mind was racing with possibilities. We had to drive some place shortly afterwards and as I parked I noticed through the corner of my eye that she was deleting a message(s) from her phone, this bothered me a lot. A day later I decided to look at her phone (I know here passcode) and I see a message between CC and my wife. The messages said “ttly” from him and also “ttyl” from her but there was not anything else in the message history (probably because they were deleted). I decided to see if I could get any more info on this person and I see she had a name, number and an address associated with this person. She also had a title under his name. The title suggests he works in the mental health field (social worker). I googled his name and found out he appears to have a therapy practice but about ½ hour from us but he also was associated with a therapy practice near where my wife used to work (same office park). She has not worked there for about 2 years (my wife is also on the health field, she is an RN).

 

I’m really not sure what to think……maybe she is seeing him as a therapist or maybe see is seeing him personally (sleeping with him)!!! My mind is spinning.

 

Our marriage is OK no major issues….we’ve only been married 2 years and we’re both still getting used to living with someone else. We’ve been together 6 years total, no major issues. Sometimes we both get quite and it gets awkward for a 2-3 days but that is the biggest issue…nothing major. I do have some trust issues from 2 past relationships that I’ve struggled with. She knows this and has ensured me I have nothing to worry about and that she has nothing to hide (but now she is hiding something!). The trust issued I’ve mostly kept inside to myself but once in a great while they spill out….like now but I have not said anything to her about this. I’m just not sure what to do.

I don’t think she would cheat on me but at this point in my life nothing surprises me anymore. One other note….she is not that sexual and she did mention she contacted a sexual therapist a while ago (6 months ago) and we both saw individual therapists before too but this CC person is not the same person as who she saw in the past.

 

 

I'm reluctant to say anything because I'm not sure what is going and if she is doing something I'm sure she will deny it.

 

Any feedback would be appreciated.

 

 

Thanks

[Starlight925]

If she is seeing someone as a therapist, there would be a financial trail somewhere. Even if she is paying in cash, you would be able to notice money being taken out of the account.

 

Deleting the texts tells me that something is up, and I don't get that. It's not like you're snooping, as I see that you just happened to view the name as it lit up.

 

Something is up, in some way. Either she's seeing a therapist and just doesn't want to open up, or she's "seeing" the therapist.

 

I know this is an unpopular opinion, but I'd start looking at her phone a bit when she's in the shower, etc. Try to see if there are messages she doesn't get a chance to delete. Before you go accusing her, you want to gather information. A friend of mine had suspicions about her husband and some Facebook messages, and she followed him one night....right to a hotel.

 

I hate to say this, but I don't like the sound of this....

[Andrina]

What are the relationship rules for your marriage? Is it okay or not okay to have opposite sex friends from work etc. who you regularly communicate with, or not? Or, have you not discussed boundaries? It could be they were work buddies who got along and stay in touch, or it could be more. You could tell her the truth of what you saw two years ago and what you just saw when you unplugged phones and see what she says, or you could do your detective work. Do you share a phone bill? Could you see if they have long phone conversations?

 

Does she leave her phone unattended or does she guard it closely? Could it be she hides a platonic guy friend from you because of your trust issues? Does she work some overtime or does she leave for work and come home regularly like clockwork? Has she improved her grooming habits or lost weight or gone all out in her looks in the past two years? Does she spend time with girl friends? Could the emotional connection between you two be improved?

 

It could be he's a platonic friend. He might even be gay for all you know. It could be they are having an emotional affair. It could be she's physically cheating. Keep your eyes open and see if you can figure it out. Let us know how it goes.

[melancholy123]

CC could also be a woman! She could be a female therapist. Have you considered that?

[limichelle]

That does sound highly suspicious. I mean why delete the texts if there is nothing to hide? I would keep your ears and eyes wide open, it could be anything but you never know.

 

Lisa

[Imho]

I would not accuse her of anything but would ask her about CC. Just a simple question. Communication can prevent the mind from running rampant and causing problems that you don't realize is happening at the time.

[DaisyMayPorter]

She wouldn’t be texting her therapist. Therapists don’t text and say “ttyl”. Not that I know of, anyway. It’s a friend or more than a friend. Just ask her.

[surfdog]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I can’t see a financial trail because we still have separate credit cards from before we got married (2 years ago), although she did suggest we get a joint card a while back but we haven’t done that yet.

 

It’s OK for each of us to have friends of the opposite sex. I’m not crazy about the idea but I don’t want to seem controlling or insecure. She has more male friends than I do female friends. The only people I call/text with are a few males friends, close family and my wife. She has friends (male and female), family and coworkers. I know she is sort of friendly with a man at our gym, he is about 20-25 years her senior and his wife passed away about a year ago from cancer. My wife says she feels bad for him so occasionally they text, chat at the gym and one time (that I know of) she took him out to get a pedicure. I thought it was odd and I mentioned it, she replied there was nothing to worry about, she wanted to cheer him up (this was after his wife died). I don't feel threatened by him although I get a little jealous. I do get a little jealous and insecure if I know she has a male friend more my age and they chat but I never express this to her because up till now it all seemed innocent and nothing ever alarmed me although I didn’t care for it. My wife is the only female (my age) that I text and call.

 

 

We don’t share a phone bill, our phones were set up before we knew each other.

It seems odd that she may hide this person from me but no other males, then again I don’t know exactly how many male friends she texts with.

 

I was able to see a name for CC, he appears to be a man (by the name she listed on her phone) and there is also an e-mail address and a home address too. I thought it was odd for her to have his e-mail address and home address in her phone (not sure how to decipher that one, good or bad???). The e-mail is his firstname.lastname@hotmail, not a domain based e-mail like for a medical practice or business (suggesting a non professional relationship), but I think this person may own his own mental therapy practice so that may explain the e-mail address not being “professional” e-mail address.

 

 

I’m trying to think of why she would delete the messages…!?!? The only things I can think of are she is in therapy and doesn’t want me to know (she said she contacted a sexual therapist about 6 months ago so see if she could get her libido higher ((she is not overly sexual, sex with her is very plain and basic )) and I know she prefers male doctors)…but the texting is unprofessional if that is the case. The other thought was that he is someone she knows from a previous job (the original miss call I saw from CC was 2 years ago, so she has known him for at least 2 years) and they are friendly...but why delete the messages. The other day my wife mentioned to my mother that a Recruiter was trying to contact her about a position they were trying to fill…maybe that is him??? My mother also thinks I’m off base (yes I told her the situation in case she saw me over Christmas and I seemed depressed). She says my wife would never do something like cheat and that CC is probably someone related to work…. But it still doesn’t explain deleted messages. Also there are a fair about of times my wife does not answer the phone of we are together…when this happens she says it either a number she does not know or that it’s someone she doesn’t want to talk to. I do the same thing sometimes.

 

Deleting messages in the common denominator in this but why?

 

 

 

I’m not ready to ask her…. I’m going to lay low for a bit.

 

Any feedback is welcome.

 

Thanks

[reinventmyself]

But why delete messages and use initials instead of a first name?

As much as you are being mature about her having male friends, therapists or otherwise, I see no reason for the secrecy.

From what you have shared, you have given her no reason to be hiding things.

That in itself could be a symptom of something larger.

 

Personally, I am all about friends of the opposite gender. Full disclosure. My male friends are available to be friends with my partner.

They aren't a secret and I have no need to delete a paper trail. . . unless I was hiding something.

 

I get that you can't just come out with `who's CC?'

Take your time. Things will become clearer in time. You'll know what to do.

 

Ethically, a therapist would know of you and would be very sensitive about contacting his client.

6am in an inappropriate time and the therapist would know that. Besides, they aren't in the business to create marital conflict, but to fix it.

[surfdog]

reinventmyself

 

I agree, I can't make sense of it. Thank you for the sound feedback.

[DaisyMayPorter]

This will continue to bother you. You just need to ask her and get it over with. No matter what the answer is, you will feel better that it's out in the open.

You are already expecting the worse, so you might as well just ask.

 

And as for the phone bills and credit cards, etc, you CAN still combine them if you want to. It's not that hard!

[surfdog]

This will continue to bother you. You just need to ask her and get it over with. No matter what the answer is, you will feel better that it's out in the open.

You are already expecting the worse, so you might as well just ask.

 

And as for the phone bills and credit cards, etc, you CAN still combine them if you want to. It's not that hard!

 

 

It will come to a head soon.

 

 

Of course we can combine them, just haven't got to them yet, too many other things going on.