Why won't my best male friend invite me to Christmas when he knows I have no family and alone?

[MSilva]

Making a very long story short, I met a male friend months ago on a dating site, It never turned out to be a romantic relationship but very quickly we grew close especially because of our many similarities and deep affinity relating on a lot of things. We are now opposite-sex best friends, I am on my 30s he is on his 40s. I've been to his house quite a bit and met his parents and brother. we've gone out together a lot.

Then (for me) the dreaded Christmas comes, he knows I have no family, I haven't lived here long and he's my only real friend. We both live here in the UK not for very long. His family is here over the Christmas period.

When he asked me what I'm doing for Christmas, I told him that I was not doing anything and how sad I was about this. I am honest about being lonely, and how sad I was to spend Christmas away from my family.

Why won't he invite me to be with him and his family on Christmas?

I don't understand. I feel like I'm starting to resent him. I don't want to lose his friendship but my resentment is growing. I am a VERY humble loving person. What gives?

(And yes I have been obvious. He knows what is going on. And no I won't ask him because it isn't my place. I'm hurt because I don't see why he won't treat me the way I would treat him if the roles were reversed. On top of being alone, this really hurts.)

 

We had several chats about this on a generic way, his family do have several guests every year! I respect that I am not a "family friend", but a friend of "one person" of the family. I dont expect an invite, as such - believe I would feel better if he could say anything, even if was "I would love o invite you BUT, I cant because... in my family, we.... whatever!" What is hurting is that he is literally ignoring.

 

I bought a present for his parents and him, which I handled to him to pass on to his parents few days ago. And his family knows that we are just friends!

[annie24]

Welcome to ENA. I don't know why he won't invite you, but I can guess. Maybe he just wants to spend time with his family (sans friends). I would really focus on expanding your social circle and meeting new friends. Look on the group Meetup. You can see events going on where you can make new friends so you don't rely on this guy to be your social director. Maybe you can find a place you can volunteer on Christmas. I hope you find something enjoyable to do!

[MSilva]

Thank you annie24, I am sad but OK with the fact of spending Xtmas alone, I am aware its just a phase, and I have chosen to be away from my family because I am now living in another country.

What is bothering me is his "action" or "inaction", not even a word of comfort. When he is feeling sad, he calls, comes over, we are very best friends and each other's family here. When his family was here at other ocasions we spent time together, every other week I speak with his family on the telephone.

Perhaps I was expecting more from him - just really cant get why? because he has never been someone to "ignore" things like that.

I am really sad with him and considering terminate the friendship.

Am I wrong?

[annie24]

He's your friend, but you can't expect him to be there for you every day of the year. I don't think you could even expect that of a romantic partner. I get the impression you have a crush on him and are maybe sad that you're not spending the holidays together?

[Seraphim]

If you are considering ending a friendship because someone wants to spend Christmas with their family you can’t really say that you are best friends .

 

Maybe they just want to see him at Christmas because they’ve missed him ?

[MSilva]

Crush on him? I don't think I still have. I did have earlier on when our friendship began. It was all too confusing because of how we met.

But we spoke and still speak openly about this and several other things - we are too good friends and I could not still be around him if there were romantic feelings still.

 

I am truly sad just because we have a very open and honest friendship - and him not saying "anything" makes me feel as if he is feeling guilty.

I would totally respect him if he could just say "I am sorry I can not invite you because .... , whatever reason that was!

[Andrina]

Does he make 50 percent of the effort in the friendship, or are you the one to always contact him first and invite yourself over to his place? If you make most of the effort, step back and see if he lets you fade away or reaches out. I'm suggesting this because it seems over-the-top to me to call anyone a best friend after only knowing them for 2 months.

 

It seems like you've really immersed yourself into his life so much that it might end up feeling smothering to him. And since he was on a dating site, when he gets a new woman in his life, she might not want you around so much. Therefore, it's in your best interest to expand your world of friendships. If I dumped a friend or relative anytime they upset me, I would have nobody in my life. I know I aggravate them in return. The fact is that invitations are a choice and no explanation is needed on why he isn't inviting someone he met 2 months ago to a holiday affair. Either you make the day special for yourself by cooking your favorite meal and baking your favorite dessert, or do volunteer work like serving the homeless a holiday meal. Nobody is responsible for keeping you from being lonely, and you're being childish by expecting that and considering cutting them from your life for that.

 

You chose to move away from family and friends. Be realistic that it will take a long time to build a new network in your new location. In the meantime, it will be emotionally tough, but that's life. Be patient and rely on yourself for company right now. Desperation is not appealing and will drive people away. Good luck for the new year with new adventures and new friends.

[MSilva]

Thanks Andrina,

We met last Christmas, so exactly one year friendship. talking of expectations, yes I agree that I made a mistake, and should not have assumed - but i did!

I am ok about spending Xtmas on my own, just gutted with his silence.

 

Not sure if you understand, I know quite well his parents, brother and cousins - I mean, all of those who are around. Went out with them at other occasions, invited for dinner with his family...

 

I can even dare to say that if his parents could guess that I am spending Xmas on my own, they would feel "obliged" to invite me.

 

He called me just 10 min ago, checking how I was doing, and to say that he will call againg tomorrow and the day after, to make sure I am OK. It is making me even angrier.

 

I am very capable to understand and respect whatever reason why I should not be around for Xmas, but the silence is the problem.

[dias]

Thanks Andrina,

We met last Christmas, so exactly one year friendship. talking of expectations, yes I agree that I made a mistake, and should not have assumed - but i did!

I am ok about spending Xtmas on my own, just gutted with his silence.

 

Not sure if you understand, I know quite well his parents, brother and cousins - I mean, all of those who are around. Went out with them at other occasions, invited for dinner with his family...

 

I can even dare to say that if his parents could guess that I am spending Xmas on my own, they would feel "obliged" to invite me.

 

He called me just 10 min ago, checking how I was doing, and to say that he will call againg tomorrow and the day after, to make sure I am OK. It is making me even angrier.

 

I am very capable to understand and respect whatever reason why I should not be around for Xmas, but the silence is the problem.

????

But he just called you???

[MSilva]

Yes, just did.

 

The fact that I am on my own this Xmas has been spoken several times. He showed compassion BUT, I never made a big deal of the fact that "I am on my own" - because it is not.

 

I am just finding his silence regarding Xmas at his place very VERY rude of him.

[Seraphim]

He's not being silent he's asking you how you are . He shouldn't have to tell you why he's not spending Christmas with you. Or why you were not invited . As much as I love my friends even my best friends I don't want to spend Christmas with them . I want to spend that time with my mother and my brother and my nieces and nephews ,my husband and my child . As much as I love my friends they are not my family .

[shessofly]

 

He called me just 10 min ago, checking how I was doing, and to say that he will call againg tomorrow and the day after, to make sure I am OK. It is making me even angrier.

 

I am very capable to understand and respect whatever reason why I should not be around for Xmas, but the silence is the problem.

 

 

You have this set of expectations he isn't even aware of, apparently.

 

What a jerk, calling to check on you and make sure you're okay. I don't even think an excuse would be good enough for you at this point. You want that invitation, by golly. He knows you are alone, therefore he is obligated to take care of you for the day, and if not then he'd better tell you why.

 

Maybe after Christmas, when, hopefully you have calmed some, you can have a talk with him about how this made you feel? I'm guessing he is unaware that you are so pissed, because you're probably fronting like you're okay, and that his reason for not inviting you is one he is not comfortable saying to you. Your posts come across as a bit desperate and entitled, IMO.

[MSilva]

Yes, just did.

 

The fact that I am on my own this Xmas has been spoken several times. He showed compassion BUT, I never made a big deal of the fact that "I am on my own" - because it is not.

 

I am just finding his silence regarding Xmas at his place very VERY rude of him.

[mustlovedogs]

Your friend really sounds quite lovely.

 

He isn’t obligated to invite you.

 

And you’re a female friend. He may not want to explain your relationship.

 

Again. He doesn’t have to invite you. Everything else he is doing is what a friend should do.

[Hollyj]

No offense, but how can you be best friends with someone you have only known a couple of months? It takes me years to develop that type of friendship with someone.

 

I agree. Why don't you expand your social circle? Try volunteering, meet ups, classes whatever. Have you considered working in a food kitchen serving the homeless on Christmas. Take the focus off of you.

 

I am uncomfortable how you went on to tell him how sad you would be for Christmas, it is kind of manipulative. "I am really sad with him and considering terminate the friendship." This is not good. You should not expect people to do things. And, this is your 'best friend.' HMMMMMMM.

[MSilva]

He doesn’t have to invite you. Everything else he is doing is what a friend should do.

 

Is the reason why I am here - What should a friend do?

I know what I would do for a friend, and done on several other occasions, including to him.

 

Our relationship is clear for all unless something changed from his side that I am not aware.

when you say "And you’re a female friend. He may not want to explain your relationship." - yes, it is the only possible explanation, from knowing him and his family.

 

They are lovely and have hinted about us being a perfect couple few times.

But would not this be above our friendship? Yes, his father likes me a lot and have said things to him like "how can you both be just friends?" It made him uncomfortable in the past and perhaps he is avoiding the disconfort explaining again.

But, if he cared for me as friend, she should put our friendship above that and speak with me. We spoke openly about thisin the past, it happened before and I still had an invite to a couple of family gatherings after that.

[Hollyj]

Maybe, you should ask for your gifts back, too.

[Seraphim]

He doesn’t have to invite you. Everything else he is doing is what a friend should do.

 

Is the reason why I am here - What should a friend do?

I know what I would do for a friend, and done on several other occasions, including to him.

 

Our relationship is clear for all unless something changed from his side that I am not aware.

when you say "And you’re a female friend. He may not want to explain your relationship." - yes, it is the only possible explanation, from knowing him and his family.

 

They are lovely and have hinted about us being a perfect couple few times.

But would not this be above our friendship? Yes, his father likes me a lot and have said things to him like "how can you both be just friends?" It made him uncomfortable in the past and perhaps he is avoiding the disconfort explaining again.

But, if he cared for me as friend, she should put our friendship above that and speak with me. We spoke openly about thisin the past, it happened before and I still had an invite to a couple of family gatherings after that.

 

 

OK , well you're not caring how he feels about this at all . He doesn't need to talk to you about how his family feels . He doesn't want to explain to his family AGAIN that you are NOT a couple . Obviously they are making a big deal of this couple issue . And inviting you for Christmas would imply to his family that you are a couple . That's not the picture he wants to portray .

[MSilva]

Is the reason why I am here - What should a friend do?

I know what I would do for a friend, and done on several other occasions, including to him.

 

Our relationship is clear for all unless something changed from his side that I am not aware.

when you say "And you’re a female friend. He may not want to explain your relationship." - yes, it is the only possible explanation, from knowing him and his family.

 

They are lovely and have hinted about us being a perfect couple few times.

But would not this be above our friendship? Yes, his father likes me a lot and have said things to him like "how can you both be just friends?" It made him uncomfortable in the past and perhaps he is avoiding the disconfort explaining again.

But, if he cared for me as friend, she should put our friendship above that and speak with me. We spoke openly about thisin the past, it happened before and I still had an invite to a couple of family gatherings after that.

 

 

OK , well you're not caring how he feels about this at all . He doesn't need to talk to you about how his family feels . He doesn't want to explain to his family AGAIN that you are NOT a couple . Obviously they are making a big deal of this couple issue . And inviting you for Christmas would imply to his family that you are a couple . That's not the picture he wants to portray .

 

Yes,

 

"the only reasonable explanation I can picture in my head" - for his decision of SILENCE, but not yet 100% convinced with his actions. What makes me angry is that we already have spoken about this in the past, how he felt uncomfortable, how he felt uncomfortable for me, he had an open chat with his father, and all was clear. And still after that I still had lovely times with them.

Why he is behaving like this? He realle cares about me, checking on me, etc...

I hope this anger that I am feeling now goes away and I can find my reason to properly discuss about how I am feeling without messing up with out friendship

[Seraphim]

This is more than a friendship on your end. You feel something for this guy. Or this would not be such a massive relationship ending issue.

[MSilva]

I can't deny saying that sometimes think this should have turned out to be more than a friendship, we are very good friends. My heart or his is with nobody. I do wonder sometimes, why not?just like he did, I did and his family did too. and I shoud push to something else. It was all too confusing because of how we met, on a dating site.

 

Our friendship is far too open, and the "romance phase" needed for a romantic relationship did not work, and being brutally honest and rational, I do not think we will end up being a couple.

Which does make your point of caring so much for this "massive relationship ending issue" - I suppose this is what you meant?

 

I perhaps care a lot for this friendship, not sure if its because I currently have few true friends near or because I may still have confusion in my head about my feelings towards him.

 

Right now, I feel his silence is a betrayal,,, and really do not know if it is fair from my side to end this friendship?

[mustlovedogs]

You’re missing the point.

 

His FAMILY hints at him dating you. The people he would be spending Christmas with.

 

Why on earth would he invite you if he doesn’t want to date you? That sounds like a miserable few hours of “yes dad, she is just my friend ... why? Well, I don’t like her that way... why not? Dad, I don’t want to talk about it...”

 

That sounds miserable.

[Seraphim]

No, it is not fair from your side of the relationship. I think you are confused about your heart . There’s definitely feelings here .

 

I would never dream of telling a friend , FINE! You won’t invite me over for Christmas ? I’m done with you !!!!

 

Sounds to me like the boundaries between relationship and friendship are a little too blurred and he’s not comfortable with that .

 

Doesn’t make him a God awful friend to not invite you over for Christmas with his family ? No.

[annie24]

Yes, just did.

 

The fact that I am on my own this Xmas has been spoken several times. He showed compassion BUT, I never made a big deal of the fact that "I am on my own" - because it is not.

 

I am just finding his silence regarding Xmas at his place very VERY rude of him.

 

In my family, the only people who get invited to Xmas are fiances or spouses. We don't invite friends. That is how my family is, lots of others are that way as well. The only family friends that are invited are the ones that we have known for 40+ years.

 

Seriously, you should let it go. He's not your boyfriend/fiance/husband. He's also not your social coordinator. You're a big girl, you can make your own plans for Christmas. I am away from my own family this year, I am inviting friends over to my place instead (friends like me who live too far from home to travel for the holidays). I would recommend trying to find more people like yourself to hang out with.

[Seraphim]

In my family, the only people who get invited to Xmas are fiances or spouses. We don't invite friends. That is how my family is, lots of others are that way as well.

 

Seriously, you should let it go. He's not your boyfriend/fiance/husband. He's also not your social coordinator. You're a big girl, you can make your own plans for Christmas. I am away from my own family this year, I am inviting friends over to my place instead (friends like me who live too far from home to travel for the holidays). I would recommend trying to find more people like yourself to hang out with.

Yes ,the only people that come to my mother’s Christmas are family members . Her children ,their spouses and grandchildren .

 

And my in-laws only invite family only ever to anything , ever . They haven’t had a friend over in 35 years .

 

We have to travel tomorrow back home to our families because we live away... I would never dream of telling my best friend here hey you you have to invite me over to your 2 x 4 apartment with your three kids your grandkids your ex-husband and whoever else is there because well I’m your friend and I don’t live near my family !