Need help fast

[Wingz494]

I was in an extremely toxic relationship a couple years ago where my trust in someone was completely destroyed. I've been single for a long time and thought i was over it. Recently I started dating this girl shes great and i really want it to work but i keep worrying shes currently or will cheat. She doesnt like posting anything about us on social media, she has told me she hasn't told anyone about us cuz its no ones bussiness, and tonight she posted on snapchat a video of her drinking in her room with one of her exes and i said something to her about it and we got into a bit of an arguement cuz she said i was crazy for acting like that. Idk if were together or not now i might have ruined things but how do i get over this feeling of always expecting to be hurt again?

[MissCanuck]

How long have you been seeing each other?

 

I can understand not posting about the relationship yet on social media; plenty of people (myself included) don't love broadcasting their love life before they're sure it's a secure thing.

 

Having said that, she's making it clear she's still cozy with an ex. She's showing you where her boundaries are, and really, who would nonchalantly brush off their current love interest drinking in her room with an ex-boyfriend? She can do what she pleases, but you certainly don't have to stick around if her behaviour is not okay for you.

[greta96]

The way I see it, there are 2 separate issues here.

One is related strictly to you and your trust issues, but by the way you describe things with this girl, you actually have good reasons for feeling the way you do.

 

You ask how to get over the feeling of always expecting to be hurt again. This is something you need to work on yourself, because there is no magical solution. I can tell you from experience that when you expect the worst from a person or from life in general, the worst is what you'll get. I have ruined many a relationship because of this, because my trust issues made me expect the other shoe to drop at any moment even if there was no reason for me to feel that way, and eventually it dropped. Looking back, I think I may have caused those relationships to go south, by always being paranoid, tense, creating hurtful scenarios in my mind and not living in the present, but in a future where I imagined all the things I didn't want to happen happening. My partners picked up on this negative energy and no surprise, that led to fights, tension and ultimately breakups. I have started to truly believe that what we think is what we eventually get. It has to do with the law of attraction, if you visualize negative scenarios that's what life will bring you; if you do your best to stop the negative thoughts in their tracks and replace them with positive ones, things will get better.

So instead of expecting your partner to cheat, why not go with the flow, make sure every date is a great, fun experience, and in between dates condition your mind not to think of worst case scenarios, just live your life without overthinking and imagining things that may never happen.

 

Now as for your current partner, well she certainly isn't helping things. What I said above applies when you are with someone who acts normally in a relationship, doesn't avoid telling people about you, and who doesn't do questionable things. In this case, you may be right to feel the way you do, and it may not be just you being paranoid.

I would say take a few steps back and watch her actions. Give yourself a time frame (say, another month) and see if things change, but if she continues to act the way she has been, you may need to consider that she is not the right partner for you, and keep searching for a better fit.

[Wiseman2]

Are you exclusive? Unfortunately if you keep punishing everyone for your past and paranoia, things won't turn out well. Try to leave the past in the past and don't pull the "I was so hurt, etc" card out on people to explain possessiveness or jealousy. Dump this girl if she's still with her ex.

Recently I started dating this girl shes great and i really want it to work but i keep worrying shes currently or will cheat.

[Hollyj]

How long have you been dating. If it is over three months, then I would be concerned about keeping you a secret.

 

Who cares about the social media.

[Wingz494]

Thanks guys

[DancingFool]

Staying single doesn't really resolve why you choose toxic partners. In fact staying away from dating too long can actually add to the problem as you get to a point where you feel so lonely, you are liable to accept just about anyone.

 

This girl is showing some serious red flags. Social media...really depends on how active she is on it and how long you've been dating. If you are official bf/gf and she is very active, then you should be on there and not hidden. If she isn't much into social media, then meh. The more concerning issue is keeping you a secret. Doesn't matter if you've gone out on a date or fifty, there is no reason to hide her dating you from friends. Which makes me wonder if that guy is really her ex or if he is, she is hiding dating because she is still hoping to get back with him. Getting drunk in her room with her ex, assuming he is an ex, is problematic behavior and something you probably shouldn't tolerate. By tolerate, I mean you don't fight about it, you dump her and seek better for yourself. The point of dating is that you let people show you who they are and when they aren't up to par, you don't try to teach them or control them, you simply drop them and keep on dating and looking for a better partner.

 

If you don't choose wisely and weed out undesirables ruthlessly, your history of toxic, been cheated on, etc, etc, will keep repeating over and over.