7 great dates, but how can I get her to communicate better and initiate more?

[jamesmark]

I've been on about 7 great dates with a gal. But our communication and her effort in our relationship is bothering me.

 

First off, I am always initiating contact and setting up dates. I would like it to start being 50/50, is that too much to ask?

 

Second, I wish she would be more responsive when texting. So, we planned to go Disneyland the other day, and I reached out to her the day before at around noon to let her know I bought tickets. I then texted again later around 6pm to see if she wanted to meet at my place. She was was out the whole night with some friends and did not respond at all (I know she was on her phone because she was active on social media). I had to call again in the morning to confirm. What I am upset about is that she didn't send me a single text the previous day, I mean a simple 'yea sure' would've been ok. She and I both don't like when we ask a question via text and don't get a response. Yet, here she is ignoring my texts.

 

We've been dating for a month and half, but are not exlusive or anything yet. Is this ok to bring up with her now? I don't want to come off as needy/clingy. I just want better communication and effort.

[Krankor]

The best thing to do now is for you to back off somewhat and see if she steps up her effort. At this point why should she when she can count on you to keep initiating?

[figureitout23]

...a dude offers to take me to Disney after a month I'm texting him back in a millisecond...

 

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[katrina1980]

The best thing to do now is for you to back off somewhat and see if she steps up her effort. At this point why should she when she can count on you to keep initiating?

 

I don't agree with this at all.

 

OP, be straight with her. Tell her what you want/expect, it should come from a place of confidence and strength NOT insecurity/neediness.

 

Backing off hoping she steps up is playing games and sure to backfire, as most games do; she won't know what the hell is going on. She's not a mind reader. She doesn't know what you need, and may just think you've lost interest especially with so much ghosting going on these days.

 

She may think everything is fine, that you enjoy taking the lead and doing all the initiating. Many men do! Again she's not a mind reader.

 

Since that is not actually the case, tell her what you told us, you want better communication and more effort. This includes better communication on your part too, not just "backing off" to see if she steps up, ugh.

 

Lead by example.

 

Don't be nasty or demanding about it, but strong and assertive. Explain why.

 

If she tries turning it around, calling you too demanding or needy, then wish her well and say goodbye.

 

You want a woman who is open and flexible right?

 

Anyone would be annoyed at her behavior in not texting you back for confirmation, geez, so no you are not being too "needy" in my opinion.

 

But don't play games, be straight with her, she'll appreciate it, respect you for it! I would!

[itsallgrand]

On your upcoming date, throw in a lighthearted "So where are you taking me for our next date?". Conversation is opened up from there.

[katrina1980]

On your upcoming date, throw in a lighthearted "So where are you taking me for our next date?". Conversation is opened up from there.

 

Yes! Was thinking that exact same thing.

 

Or when she thanks you for the date, wink and say "you're welcome, I'll let the next one be on you."

 

Make it playful and fun

[Krankor]

I don't agree with this at all.

 

OP, be straight with her. Tell her what you want/expect, it should come from a place of confidence and strength NOT insecurity/neediness.

 

Backing off hoping she steps up is playing games and sure to backfire, as most games do; she won't know what the hell is going on. She's not a mind reader. She doesn't know what you need, and may just think you've lost interest especially with so much ghosting going on these days.

 

She may think everything is fine, that you enjoy taking the lead and doing all the initiating. Many men do! Again she's not a mind reader.

 

Since that is not actually the case, tell her what you told us, you want better communication and more effort. This includes better communication on your part too, not just "backing off" to see if she steps up, ugh.

 

Lead by example.

 

Don't be nasty or demanding about it, but strong and assertive. Explain why.

 

If she tries turning it around, calling you too demanding or needy, then wish her well and say goodbye.

 

You want a woman who is open and flexible right?

 

Anyone would be annoyed at her behavior in not texting you back for confirmation, geez, so no you are not being too "needy" in my opinion.

 

But don't play games, be straight with her, she'll appreciate it, respect you for it! I would!

 

I don't see it as playing games; I just see it as self-regulation. His complaint is that he's always the one initiating, so my advice is just to stop initiating every time.

 

I don't know that after a month and a half of casual dating that complaining about her lack of effort--no matter how light-heartedly he delivers that message--is likely to be well received. After a couple of years of being in a serious relationship, sure, but not this early on. Backing off may sound like a game but in my experience it works far more often than not.

[katrina1980]

I don't see it as playing games; I just see it as self-regulation. His complaint is that he's always the one initiating, so my advice is just to stop initiating every time.

 

I don't know that after a month and a half of casual dating that complaining about her lack of effort--no matter how light-heartedly he delivers that message--is likely to be well received. After a couple of years of being in a serious relationship, sure, but not this early on. Backing off may sound like a game but in my experience it works far more often than not.

 

Fair enough that it works for you.

 

It does not work for me. Early stages or later stages.

 

I appreciate and respect directness. No it's not needy at all, it takes strength of character and knowing who you are and what you want to tell a woman what you need assertively and confidently.

 

Backing off causes insecurity, and sure some women will start chasing when feeling insecure.

 

If that's the type of dynamic you wish to foster, that's fine; I know it "works" I just don't agree with it, that's all.

 

I like and respect when a man is straight with me. And consistent.

 

Suddenly backing off reflects the opposite, inconsistency. And weakness in that he doesn't know how or is too afraid to directly communicate what he wants and expects from me.

 

No thanks.

 

ETA: And yes backing off is a game. It's the essence of push/pull. I'm tired of that game and refuse to play anymore. Thankfully the man I am dating now is VERY straight with me. Tells me exactly what he expects, did so from the beginning, which I very much appreciate and respect! Our needs jive so it's perfect.

[Andrina]

The usual way I dated was to let a guy ask me out twice, and if things went well during the second date, I would ask him out for the third date, as yes, the person who usually does the asking does the paying, and that can get expensive if one person is doing all the asking. Of course, a person can sometimes offer to take care of the tip or go dutch. When it's not about for tat, but a mutual treating each other, it's a far more satisfying arrangement.

 

I haven't seen how she behaves in person, but from what you write of her behavior, she might be a self-entitled princess, or a clueless bubble head who can't understand that she should be putting some effort into the dating relationship, or she might be taking advantage of free meals and outings. She was plain rude not to respond to you the day before Disney. If I were you, I probably would've taken a friend instead when she hadn't replied the day before.

 

If you think she's still worth pursuing, a little bit of communication and a little bit of holding back to give her time to make the effort will give you the answer you need to continue dating or end things if she doesn't mesh with you.

[katrina1980]

So to Mr. "jamesmark" do you have any thoughts as to what's been said?

 

Or is this gonna be one of those threads wherein the OP makes one post and then sits back chuckling while the rest of us debate and argue amongst ourselves? lol

 

Enjoy!