Perspective

[YellowLights]

We’ve been married 4yrs, together for 6yrs and I can’t but help feeling like I’m being weak and need to start being strong and end this marriage. It makes me feel so heartbroken that this is where we are at but I sincerely feel like I’ve made my best attempt to save it.

 

I had initially posted here about a year ago, discussing problems with our political beliefs and money, but things got drastically worse this past year.

 

First, we had attended a friends wedding (his friend) and both of us had been drinking heavily. After the wedding ended he invited another couple to our hotel room, thinking we’d just hang out I was ok with it. But once we were in the room for about 20mins, my husband jokingly said I should kiss the wife of the other couple. I’ll be honest, I had been drinking and in my single years (before I even knew him) I had kissed another girl once just because she kissed me first.

 

So I thought “what the hell” and kissed the wife. Somewhere along the lines though, she started taking my clothes off and hers and since I had been drinking I was like “whatever” but made sure to keep my bra and underwear on. Long story short, things got way out of hand and the wife ended up with my husband in her underwear (but no bra) and him in his boxers making out and touching each other. PLUS, her husband was then trying to do the same to me which I refused.

 

By this time, I was Extremley uncomfortable and realized this what not some silly hang out but a for real “swinger” situation. I started to panic inside and didn’t know what to do and her husband kept trying to force himself on me but I kept pushing him away and my husband wasn’t even paying attention since he was all over the other mans wife. I eventually did the only thing I knew to do which was say I was tired and not feeling well and so I put my pajamas on and pretended to pass out on the couch in our hotel room.

 

The woman’s husband got angry and started complaining and that made my husband and his wife stop making out (they didn’t have sex) and put their clothes on. It was obvious by now to my husband that things were not as he’d planned and he kicked them both out of our room. As soon as they left, I broke down crying. I was shaking from what just happened and scared that this man had just tried to force himself on me.

 

I understand I’m also responsible for putting myself in this situation but I honestly was very naive and had never thought anything like this would ever happen to me. My husband felt awful and cried with me and begged for forgiveness and the next day we packed up our bags and headed home. He didn’t want to talk about it anymore (I’m assuming he was embarrassed by it all) and I was in such shock that I didn’t either but it left a huge hole in my heart because I kept seeing images of him with another woman. I was also angry that he didn’t protect me in the situation and let that man touch me while I was clearly uncomfortable.

 

Well fast forward a few months later, and things between us had felt off. I knew something didn’t feel right, so I kept pleading with him to talk to me but he wouldn’t. We’d have our fights (mostly him not helping with household chores) but I knew something was being hidden and I couldn’t help but feel like there was someone else.

 

A few weeks after I started to have this feeling, I caught him texting another woman which he denied and got defensive about immediately. When the truth finally came out, it was a woman he worked with and I was angry and slept in the guest room that night and told him we were getting a divorce because I wouldn’t stay with a man who cheated on me (emotional cheating is still cheating to me).

 

Well I couldn’t sleep that night, so I did some digging and found there were two women actually. One his coworker and the other a friend from his home state. There had been multiple phone calls and text messages, sometimes 85texts in two hours! I was floored and heartbroken.

 

He came into the guest room at 1am and found me and I confronted him and he cried and begged me to forgive him which I didn’t at first. The next day I told my mother and she said she’d support me whatever I decide. Eventually I decided that we needed to go to counseling because I still loved him and so we went for two months but nothing changed. Although he claimed to stop taking to the women (I could only take his word for this and check his phone record to know because I don’t have acces to his email or social media) he never really changed his behavior in a way to show me he was regretful and wanting me to know I was the 1st and most important thing in his life.

 

Also, it took him a month and a half to delete the woman at work from his social media and just last week he deleted the woman from his home state (which took about 8mnths). I’ve asked for access to his email and social media (to help regain trust) but he won’t give it to me and gets defensive, saying he wants to have privacy and be an independent man and not feel controlled.

 

Well as everyone knows the holidays are here and we’ve planned to go visit his family in his home state, plane tickets have been bought and time off work for us both has been arranged.

 

About a month ago we talked about our future and I’ve said I want to start a family soon as I’m getting older. Now let me clarify, that I do want a family but I more so said this because I was seeing if he even wanted the same things as me because in the beginning of our relationship and through casual talks we’ve discussed it but so much has happened that I feel like he isn’t the man I married anymore.

 

He basically said “not anytime soon” and for me this is the deal breaker. Isn’t that awful? Shouldn’t all the things that happened have been the deal breaker? I feel so weak and stupid for being a fool and trusting him with my heart and staying with him through all the things he’s done. I’ve told him many times he’s ruined the foundation of our marriage which is “trust”.

 

So what I’m getting at is I’m thinking of divorce seriously now. I don’t want to go visit his family feeling like this and I want to tell him I’m going to stay behind and make arrangements to separate. I’m so scared I’m going to cave in like I always do to him but I guess that’s why I’m here to get strength and do this finally.

 

I’m in my early 30’s and I want a family someday. It’s differnt for him, he doesn’t have a biological clock like I do and if I leave now I may still have time to heal from all this and find someone else who will want the things I want and give me the trust I’ve been without for this past year.

 

Am I being an idiot for wanting to divorce? I realize I should have went through with this perhaps a long time ago but now that he’s saying “not anytime soon” on having a family it makes me feel like he doesn’t want to really commit to me and spend his life with me. Like kids are the final stage of commiting your life to another and he doesn’t want that.

 

I’m so lost right now and I guess what I really need to know is if should end this marriage or if I’m being too drastic and need to keep trying. I do love him but not with the same deep love I once had. Ever since all these things happened I just don’t see him in the same light and now with the whole “kid” thing I’m just done. Having a family is so important to me and I don’t trust him enough to give that to me someday. I feel like he will find someone else and leave me eventually and I’ll regret staying with him and being hopeful he’d change.

 

I’m sorry this is so long, I’ve actually cried writing some of these awful things down. I’m so ashamed that this is my marriage.

[DancingFool]

Your marriage has been circling the drain for a long time now. Time to pull the plug OP. You have too many fundamental and value differences. Nothing has improved since last year and in fact things have gotten much much much worse. What your husband did at the wedding is inexcusable. Plus the other women and cheating.

 

Please don't be ashamed. You aren't causing this. The only shame would be to carry on with this another day. Go talk to a good divorce and do whatever they advise you as far as separation, etc. You already have your family support, so that's good. You can't live like this, you can't bring a child into this even if he was willing, you really really need to and must move on.

[DanZee]

Life is too short to be unhappy. Also after 35 your fertility rate starts plunging. At age 40, it's only a 5% chance of getting pregnant every month. So you should find someone who wants a family and someone who loves you as much as you love them.

[ThatwasThen]

I’m in my early 30’s and I want a family someday. It’s differnt for him, he doesn’t have a biological clock like I do and if I leave now I may still have time to heal from all this and find someone else who will want the things I want and give me the trust I’ve been without for this past year.

Please leave right now so that you don't end up having a baby with this man. You will feel you are locked into him because of the child and no child needs to witness a distraught and sad mother due to her father's chronic philandering.

 

Stay behind and see a lawyer about your rights and obligations before you chicken out due to your addiction to him yet again. You'll feel better at your own parents home where you'll get the emotional support you need.

[semaj281]

Unfortunately his unwillingness to let you see his email and social media is just one sign that this will continue. And the fact that counseling has not changed anything makes matters worse. I am sorry to hear that your feelings of love for him were not being returned. You are not an idiot for wanting to leave, to answer your question. The heart wants what it wants and even if he was the perfect man and you wanted to leave him for whatever reason, you have every right to do so. You sound like a great wife and you deserve better.

 

And I agree with what others are saying about not having a child with him. His behavior will most likely continue and you will be left alone with your child. Divorce is easier when there are no kids involved.