Getting Back Together through friendship

[Jillstrand23]

Last week, I broke up with my boyfriend. I found out he had been lying to me about partying on the side with other people and keeping in contact with 'bad' people. If that makes any sense...

 

We live together so I took a bag of clothes and my cat and went to my mom's. He got super upset. Whilst we were on the phone, I told him that I could offer him friendship. His tone immedeatly changed. On my way to my mom's I started to cry and realized that I really do love and miss him tremendously and I was blinded by another man, getting back together with an alternate ex.

 

Now I know what you are going to say, 'It didn't work out with your ex so you went back to your boyfriend/' Well, yes that is the truth. I would rather be in a good solid relationship than a fantasy one with someone else who could care less if I even existed. At least my BF loves me, takes care of me, gives me attention and all the rest.

 

SO I went to his work to give him a ride home (we share a car) and when I saw him the tears just started to swell up and flow out of me. THen that night I told him I wanted some space and that it was over between us.

 

Well, at 2:45 AM , I get a call from him telling me he loves me misses me and for me to please come home. I answered straight away and said good night and that I would be spending the night at my mom's. Then he told me that he wrote me an email. He wrote the email and it was LONG and he confessed to all the lies he had been telling me about his drug use and insecurities and he expressed so much in that letter that I decided to take him back.

 

My only point here is if I had not offered him friendship, the lines of communication would not have stayed open like they are now. So, this is my advice which goes against everything here, if you want to get back together, offer someone friendship, you never know what can happen.

 

He has kept his promise on all of the changes he said he would make and I trust him fully and he is on his way to recovery from his drug issues. Thanks for reading and please love each other, PEACE!

 

AND if it gets too much to handle, take a break ... talk to friends, family, focus on your career and always focus on your dreams.

[abitbroken]

Last week, I broke up with my boyfriend. I found out he had been lying to me about partying on the side with other people and keeping in contact with 'bad' people. If that makes any sense...

 

So you think this is a hallmark card story because you clung on to a jerk?

 

I don't think 'staying friends" is the answer for everyone - in fact it mostly is the wrong answer.

I hope he does stick by is promises, but remember it has not been long and the initial breakup is still fresh. You only were broken up a week and he has had NO TIME to legitimately change. a drug user will promise you the moon. Drug use is not something to take lightly.

 

you were already on to another man after a week?

[pippy longstocking]

No disrespect but I can't think of worse advice quite frankly and you are jumping from one boyfriend to another and there is just a week inbetween all this ..I did get confused ...so in just one week you offered friendship got back with an ex , left that ex and went back to the first one cos he came clean about the drugs .....hardly a case to encourage people to offer friendship when they need to move on in reality .

[Jillstrand23]

Last week, I broke up with my boyfriend. I found out he had been lying to me about partying on the side with other people and keeping in contact with 'bad' people. If that makes any sense...

 

So you think this is a hallmark card story because you clung on to a jerk?

 

I don't think 'staying friends" is the answer for everyone - in fact it mostly is the wrong answer.

I hope he does stick by is promises, but remember it has not been long and the initial breakup is still fresh. You only were broken up a week and he has had NO TIME to legitimately change. a drug user will promise you the moon. Drug use is not something to take lightly.

 

you were already on to another man after a week?

 

No, I was not on to another man, but I have been thinking about me ex due to feeling stress about my current relationship.

 

This is extremely difficult for me because I love him and I dont know how to let him go if he continues with drug use. This is so hard for me abitbroken.

[Jillstrand23]

No disrespect but I can't think of worse advice quite frankly and you are jumping from one boyfriend to another and there is just a week inbetween all this ..I did get confused ...so in just one week you offered friendship got back with an ex , left that ex and went back to the first one cos he came clean about the drugs .....hardly a case to encourage people to offer friendship when they need to move on in reality .

 

All I am saying is if you want a chance at getting back you need to keep ONE form of communication open if possible. ANY form of communication

 

I never got back together with my other ex , I think its more of a rebound situation.

[abitbroken]

No, I was not on to another man, but I have been thinking about me ex due to feeling stress about my current relationship.

 

This is extremely difficult for me because I love him and I dont know how to let him go if he continues with drug use. This is so hard for me abitbroken.

 

I understand - but drug use is something that cannot be cured in a week. He will yes you to death to get you to move back and continue with his old tricks. I know you love him, but drug use is not something you should deal with - he needs to hit rock bottom to truly seek help for his addiction and that means that its probably best to financially untangle yourself from him. Unless reaches out for help without your pushing for it, he will continue having the same enabling friends. He will just become better at hiding it. You deserve so much more than being with a drug addict. So go back to your parents house - figure out when your lease is up and either you stay away and he finds a roommate or he has to leave and couch surf or go to *his* family. Drug use is a no go for me. I would say you shouldn't have to leave your home, but you don't know what he is hiding or who may show up looking for him.

 

you need more time away from him - spend the holidays with family.

[pippy longstocking]

All I am saying is if you want a chance at getting back you need to keep ONE form of communication open if possible. ANY form of communication

 

I never got back together with my other ex , I think its more of a rebound situation.

 

ahh ok , I definitely got confused , my apologies . I still don't think friendship is a good idea for anyone , however we are all entitled to have different views , it is what makes for an interesting forum .

[reinventmyself]

I hope the best for you but anyone can act 'as if' for one week.

It's for the long haul that matters.

I hope you can check back in 3 months and are able to tell us the same thing.

And if someone really wants to get ahold of you - even in light of cutting off communication, they will find a way.

[Jillstrand23]

I just think that people , all people have value and if you really try hard to save someone from a broken heart, you have done a good deed.

[abitbroken]

All I am saying is if you want a chance at getting back you need to keep ONE form of communication open if possible. ANY form of communication

 

I never got back together with my other ex , I think its more of a rebound situation.

 

No you absolutely don't. If you keep communicating and emhphasizing that you are friends you did not break up -- one week and still communicating is not a break up. Its going to your parents house for a week. Its being on a trip. If you break up, you need to break up - that means only communicating for the absolute necessary things like the rent being due or something and that can be handled via email. He never got to feel you gone because you didn't really go away. He did not have major motive to change - only to figure out how to beg. He knew you didn't mean business. If i had a dime for every time here a woman was beaten by a guy, told us a guy lied, cheated, sole or was on drugs and said "but i love him too much to leave" i'd be a billionaire.

 

If people break up and stop communicating believe me, unless you move to China and change your name - an ex who feels they made a mistake and wants you back FINDS a way to communicate. My first boyfriend called my parents house a year after we broke up - my parents still lived there, but i had moved on. My ex husband sent a letter in care of the only relative of mine who he could think of that still lived at an address he remembered when i was not listed and he didn't have my number. And everyone is findable on Facebook or whatever. I know it took my first ex a lot of guts to call the house (there was no facebook at the time). I know that he had probably made a lot of changes in himself. my mother said that he was pretty crestfallen when he was told that i had moved and had a boyfriend.

 

This guy has done nothing to earn you back and in fact, i think you have a lot of reading to do and a lot of sole searching to do. Love just isn't enough when drugs, lying, etc, messing with an unsavory crowd (and therefore bringing them into your world - who knows who shows up because they are owed money)

[Jillstrand23]

No you absolutely don't. If you keep communicating and emhphasizing that you are friends you did not break up -- one week and still communicating is not a break up. Its going to your parents house for a week. Its being on a trip. If you break up, you need to break up - that means only communicating for the absolute necessary things like the rent being due or something and that can be handled via email. He never got to feel you gone because you didn't really go away. He did not have major motive to change - only to figure out how to beg. He knew you didn't mean business. If i had a dime for every time here a woman was beaten by a guy, told us a guy lied, cheated, sole or was on drugs and said "but i love him too much to leave" i'd be a billionaire.

 

If people break up and stop communicating believe me, unless you move to China and change your name - an ex who feels they made a mistake and wants you back FINDS a way to communicate. My first boyfriend called my parents house a year after we broke up - my parents still lived there, but i had moved on. My ex husband sent a letter in care of the only relative of mine who he could think of that still lived at an address he remembered when i was not listed and he didn't have my number. And everyone is findable on Facebook or whatever. I know it took my first ex a lot of guts to call the house (there was no facebook at the time). I know that he had probably made a lot of changes in himself. my mother said that he was pretty crestfallen when he was told that i had moved and had a boyfriend.

 

This guy has done nothing to earn you back and in fact, i think you have a lot of reading to do and a lot of sole searching to do. Love just isn't enough when drugs, lying, etc, messing with an unsavory crowd (and therefore bringing them into your world - who knows who shows up because they are owed money)

 

Thanks abitbroken. I actually in reality have left go to my mom's under the premise of a break-up 4 times. He told me that this is the first time he is being 100% honest with me. Im keeping my eyes and ears open though.

[abitbroken]

I just think that people , all people have value and if you really try hard to save someone from a broken heart, you have done a good deed.

 

All people do have value - that's true -- but it is not your job to prevent everyone having a broken heart. So you would stay with someone harmful to you, who could suck the life out of you and put you in harm's way just so they wouldn't get their feelings hurt by you leaving? You are being too responsible for his feelings and as i feared, possibly already developed a codependent situation. He NEEDS his heart broken or he will never hit rock bottom to get help - if he ever does. He needs to lose things.

 

If you want to 'save" someone - then work with groups that fight human trafficking, become a foster parent for a pet or a kid, volunteer at a women's shelter, etc, or become involved in big brothers/big sisters. or become an EMT. Do not sleep next to, have sex with, provide companionship for or remain with a drug addict to have that satisfaction

[Jillstrand23]

All people do have value - that's true -- but it is not your job to prevent everyone having a broken heart. So you would stay with someone harmful to you, who could suck the life out of you and put you in harm's way just so they wouldn't get their feelings hurt by you leaving? You are being too responsible for his feelings and as i feared, possibly already developed a codependent situation. He NEEDS his heart broken or he will never hit rock bottom to get help - if he ever does. He needs to lose things.

 

If you want to 'save" someone - then work with groups that fight human trafficking, become a foster parent for a pet or a kid, volunteer at a women's shelter, etc, or become involved in big brothers/big sisters. or become an EMT. Do not sleep next to, have sex with, provide companionship for or remain with a drug addict to have that satisfaction

 

I see what you are saying. I have developed very deep feelings for him. He has attended REHAB in the past but I am afraid that this time he will not be able just to quit. I don't know what to do, we are very much intertwined in our finances.

[Jillstrand23]

I see what you are saying. I have developed very deep feelings for him. He has attended REHAB in the past but I am afraid that this time he will not be able just to quit. I don't know what to do, we are very much intertwined in our finances.

AND I DO DEEPLY care for him and love him

[abitbroken]

Thanks abitbroken. I actually in reality have left go to my mom's under the premise of a break-up 4 times. He told me that this is the first time he is being 100% honest with me. Im keeping my eyes and ears open though.

 

He is full of horse feathers. If you have left 4 times you need to stay gone. what kind of relationship is that to always break up? I can't believe your mom thinks this is a good relationship unless mom too has had a series of losers in her life and prefers addicts and fixer uppers. If you were broken up for 3 years and you ran into him by chance at a restaurant or subway statuon - and there he is in a suit or a bag of tools - with a healthy pallor to his face and says "i finally made it" - he is clean, holding down a good job, is volunteering to help street kids, etc -- then yes, that's one thing to start again - but he has earned nothing. Don't reward him with sex and convenience.

[Jillstrand23]

He is full of horse feathers. If you have left 4 times you need to stay gone. what kind of relationship is that to always break up? I can't believe your mom thinks this is a good relationship unless mom too has had a series of losers in her life and prefers addicts and fixer uppers. If you were broken up for 3 years and you ran into him by chance at a restaurant or subway statuon - and there he is in a suit or a bag of tools - with a healthy pallor to his face and says "i finally made it" - he is clean, holding down a good job, is volunteering to help street kids, etc -- then yes, that's one thing to start again - but he has earned nothing. Don't reward him with sex and convenience.

 

abitbroken, we never have sex and I don't reward him for anything. We live together and we share a car. He has a good job that he has been steady at keeping for a while. His drug use does not interfere with everyday life. He is pretty sweet in general , the only negative he has is this drug use and he has promised not to do it, he told me I freed him by him being able to be honest about it.

 

My dad likes him and my mom does know about all of our problems and he told me he would prefer if I didn't discuss these issues with them, that's why I am here. posting...

[abitbroken]

you need to start being independent from him if he is to take anything seriously - cancel all credit cards that are joint, if you share a car - who does it belong to, really? Is it yours or his? Methodically do all that. You should not be so intertwined with someone who isn't your husband. The only thing you should be intertwined on is if you signed a lease together - and if you did - you need to not renew it if its up soon. And if its up in a long time you need to talk to your landlord.

 

I have a friend who is in an abusive realtionship and won't leave because she has no car, her name is on some joint assets (they are not married) and she works at the same company where he controls her job. I told her that i would only support her decision to stay if she stays of her own free will (she CAN leave because his name is off of her car, he can't call the cops if she takes it, she found a friend to take an exotic pet she cannot find an apartment with if she has, she has another stream of income so she can leave her job, etc).

 

And what if a frriend calls in a tip and the cops come to your house and find drugs?

 

 

AND I DO DEEPLY care for him and love him

 

But you need to care for YOURSELF more. I too lost my identity in a man once. I understand your feelings are strong. What if you met someone you wanted to marry but it meant that you had to give up practicing your faith or seeing your family to do so and to move to a country where few spoke your language - would you do it because you deeply love him? No - you because you would decide that love isn't enough.

[Jillstrand23]

you need to start being independent from him if he is to take anything seriously - cancel all credit cards that are joint, if you share a car - who does it belong to, really? Is it yours or his? Methodically do all that. You should not be so intertwined with someone who isn't your husband. The only thing you should be intertwined on is if you signed a lease together - and if you did - you need to not renew it if its up soon. And if its up in a long time you need to talk to your landlord.

 

I have a friend who is in an abusive realtionship and won't leave because she has no car, her name is on some joint assets (they are not married) and she works at the same company where he controls her job. I told her that i would only support her decision to stay if she stays of her own free will (she CAN leave because his name is off of her car, he can't call the cops if she takes it, she found a friend to take an exotic pet she cannot find an apartment with if she has, she has another stream of income so she can leave her job, etc).

 

And what if a frriend calls in a tip and the cops come to your house and find drugs?

 

 

 

 

But you need to care for YOURSELF more. I too lost my identity in a man once. I understand your feelings are strong. What if you met someone you wanted to marry but it meant that you had to give up practicing your faith or seeing your family to do so and to move to a country where few spoke your language - would you do it because you deeply love him? No - you because you would decide that love isn't enough.

 

Thank you for your posts. I know what you are saying. I am truly concerned about all of this. Untangling hard part is the lease. He can take a bus to his work.

[abitbroken]

abitbroken, we never have sex and I don't reward him for anything. We live together and we share a car. He has a good job that he has been steady at keeping for a while. His drug use does not interfere with everyday life. He is pretty sweet in general , the only negative he has is this drug use and he has promised not to do it, he told me I freed him by him being able to be honest about it.

 

My dad likes him and my mom does know about all of our problems and he told me he would prefer if I didn't discuss these issues with them, that's why I am here. posting...

 

So you don't have sex? Are you waiting til marriage? or are you roommates? You ARE providing female companionship still

 

She does not want you discussing the issues with her because she probably would say something that she would regret/or its hard for her to hear you suffer like this.

 

you are in denial if you say its perfect "except for drug use". There are people who are functional alcoholics. They get up and go to work, but on the weekends, they have blackout benders.

 

You are really naive if you broke up because he is a liar and he comes up with the malarky of "you have freed me to be able to tell the truth!"" so now he can associate with drug dealers because he feels free to be truthful about it??

[Jillstrand23]

Yes, he has a problem with his libido . I just don't know if I can marry someone who can't have sex.

[abitbroken]

Yes, he has a problem with his libido . I just don't know if I can marry someone who can't have sex.

 

It may be due to drugs. Honestly, if you don't think this is your future husband, the more time you waste with him, the more time you miss out on finding your future husband. I recommend some counseling before you date again -- you want to meet someone healthy and the "fixing" and female white knight syndrome attitude may get in the way of being able to be choosey.

[Jillstrand23]

It may be due to drugs. Honestly, if you don't think this is your future husband, the more time you waste with him, the more time you miss out on finding your future husband. I recommend some counseling before you date again -- you want to meet someone healthy and the "fixing" and female white knight syndrome attitude may get in the way of being able to be choosey.

 

WOW ! You have really made me see a different perspective. thank you abitbroken....

[abitbroken]

++++

WOW ! You have really made me see a different perspective. thank you abitbroken....

 

yeah, why waste your time? there are women who have posted here who have been in relationships with men 2, 5, 10, 15 years - and say "this time, he really means that he is getting off of drugs/getting sober/stops gambling" - life is way too short.

[reinventmyself]

besides. . He's telling the truth `this time' ? Why, because he says so?

I'll bet my paycheck you trusted him to tell the truth other times as well.

The problem with liar is that they'll lie about lying.

At what point do you realize that he's just not worth trusting.

[boltnrun]

Is the car you "share" in your name or in his?

 

The drugs will absolutely cause low libido. My ex used pot and meth and he had erectile dysfunction in his early 30s because of the drug use. He told me he was "numb down there". Great.

 

And yeah, drug addicts will promise you the moon, but they don't deliver. He wants to keep you because he has a car to use, a place to live and someone to help with finances. Does he care for you? Probably. But the drugs will always be Number One.

 

And for the record, an addict can hold down a job. My grandfather was a severe alcoholic and he never missed a single day of work for 30 years. He worked six days a week and then came home and terrorized his family. He eventually drank himself to death, way younger than he should have died.

 

You're giving all this "advice", but what it really boils down to is you want an excuse to stay attached to this man and you want others to feel like it's OK to stay attached too. There's comfort in company. But this situation is not the "we lived happily ever after!" story you're trying to sell. It's just not.