Feeling very weird. My wife thought I was going to hit her

[journeynow]

Even if the above is 100% true or not true at all .. that should have nothing to do with the fact that she thought I was going to cause her physical harm. That seems to be a completely separate issue. I spoke to her today, and she seems OK, but she refuses to talk about it. I told her I needed some level of reassurance from her that she knows that I would never harm her. She said "that's what I need to hear". My reaction is "?". That should go without saying! I would no more hit her than she would punch our son in the face. It just isn't even in the realm of possibilities. Anyway she shut doen and said she doesn't want to talk about it because it upsets her.

 

I really don't get it. I don't know what to think at this point. I guess I have no choice but to drop it as she wishes .. but the whole thing still is going to bother me fro some time.

 

Your response here (to my post) is an example of what I am talking about. It illustrates the issue, IMO.

[chitown9]

You made the statement that you and she argue about insignificant things because your wife is high strung. Would you say that she suffers from high anxiety? The reason I ask is anxiety is a side effect of depression. Maybe she needs medication to treat her depression. Your marriage would not have these silly arguments about unimportant matters if she did not have this anxiety and be "high strung," as you say. I would be more concerned about these constant conflicts that you seem to have than the manner in which she reacted when you returned to the kitchen. chi

[IAmFCA]

Been married for over 25 years. Never have come in any way close to hitting her nor even threatened it. That thought has never even crossed my mind - ever. I've never even yelled at her or ever called her names. When she nags me to death sometimes my first thought is to leave the house and never come back, but never to hurt her.. I've never had temper tantrums nor had any displays of uncontrolled anger during our entire marriage.

 

So we were having a fight and she was pissed off as was I and so she went to the kitchen. I was about to go leave for a work meeting out town and let her stew before I left. Instead, I felt bad since the argument was not all that serious, and I thought I would go to the kitchen and give her a kiss to diffuse the ridiculous argument. But she thought I was going to hit her and she cowered asking "Are you going to hit me?". It was the furthest thing from my mind. Her reaction came like a complete shock to me. Once she calmed down and I assured her that there was no way I would ever do such a thing, things seemed to have mellowed out, but I could see she was shaken. I had to go to catch my plane, so I couldn't stay any longer with her ..

 

I feel very weird now. Maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow, but I feel like I don't ever want to go back again.

 

What do you all make of this? I can't explain any of it.

 

I read your original post and noticed my own emotion at the point where your wife said Are you going to hit me. What I felt was sadness.

 

What you felt was anger and offense... which are protective coatings over your pain. Can you shed your protective layers and be more intimate with your wife? Instead of turning the spotlight on her, as if her feelibgs are her fault, recognize that you are safe, that you can fold when faced with her fear. Show her empathy. Show her how much it hurts you to see her fear.

 

... Hurts you because you never imagined you would be a source of fear for her.

 

Thank her for telling you. Realize she gave you valuable information about your relationship. Stop. Breathe.

 

You two are on the same side. The same side! You two, joined by a desire to save your marrige, right? ?

 

Spoken from experience.

[oobleck]

I read your original post and noticed my own emotion at the point where your wife said Are you going to hit me. What I felt was sadness.

 

What you felt was anger and offense... which are protective coatings over your pain. Can you shed your protective layers and be more intimate with your wife? Instead of turning the spotlight on her, as if her feelibgs are her fault, recognize that you are safe, that you can fold when faced with her fear. Show her empathy. Show her how much it hurts you to see her fear.

 

... Hurts you because you never imagined you would be a source of fear for her.

 

Thank her for telling you. Realize she gave you valuable information about your relationship. Stop. Breathe.

 

You two are on the same side. The same side! You two, joined by a desire to save your marrige, right? ?

 

Spoken from experience.

I don't think this is about "saving our marriage". I have no intentions of leaving her and as far as I know, neither does she. You suggestions are fine, but moot at this point. She asked me not to bring it up anymore, and so I think I need to respect her wishes on this and not prompt a discussion about it. If she brings it up on her own sometime in the future, then maybe we can discuss it.

[oobleck]

You made the statement that you and she argue about insignificant things because your wife is high strung. Would you say that she suffers from high anxiety? The reason I ask is anxiety is a side effect of depression. Maybe she needs medication to treat her depression. Your marriage would not have these silly arguments about unimportant matters if she did not have this anxiety and be "high strung," as you say. I would be more concerned about these constant conflicts that you seem to have than the manner in which she reacted when you returned to the kitchen. chi

 

I don't know. I don't think she's depressed. She's actually a very positive and energetic person who is always ready to do things. If I bring up a trip or some new place to try she's always ready to. Go. She's always been one to be a bit too ready to launch both torpedoes in almost any argument. It can be about the most ridiculous things, and if I feed the fire, it'll become over the top. Her mother was 100x worse, so I know she tries to dial it back a but, but seems to have picked up some bad behaviors. I knew it from the beginning and I married her anyway, so I can't fault her too much.

 

Earlier in the marriage, I used to take this to heart and I wondered if I shouldn't leave her. But I've learned over the years that in fact she's all bark and no bite, so I've learned to let her go all out, and then 15 minutes later, I'll poke her in the ribs and she's laugh because the whole thing was so stupid - unless it's a more serious discussion, of course. We get along well and I'd say we're happy. So I don't want to make this sound worse than it really is.

 

The idea that she thinks I would ever be capable of causing her physical harm is the real problem for me right now. It's incomprehensible to me.

[ThatwasThen]

Even if the above is 100% true or not true at all .. that should have nothing to do with the fact that she thought I was going to cause her physical harm. That seems to be a completely separate issue. I spoke to her today, and she seems OK, but she refuses to talk about it. I told her I needed some level of reassurance from her that she knows that I would never harm her. She said "that's what I need to hear". My reaction is "?". That should go without saying! I would no more hit her than she would punch our son in the face. It just isn't even in the realm of possibilities. Anyway she shut doen and said she doesn't want to talk about it because it upsets her.

 

I really don't get it. I don't know what to think at this point. I guess I have no choice but to drop it as she wishes .. but the whole thing still is going to bother me fro some time.

Sorry, but you are making this all about YOU and you are making it more than it actually is. You have no choice but to let this go and squelch it if it should rear its ugly head in your head again.

 

You should "drop it" because you wish to because if you don't, you're going to cause an emotional disconnect between the two of you and you focusing on the negative the way you are isn't helping anyone.

 

Its over. Make it so in your mind.

[yatsue]

So are you saying that you'd speed off in your car if you saw your husband walking down the street towards you in the dark?

 

Hahaha you missed the whole point! Although, if would-be husband was intimidating enough in some way, then yes (gotta have the "angry, bloodthirsty eyes" and a "pouncing" stance or something).

 

You are still angry and cannot see how this was a knee jerk reaction and not based on your character at all. Again, being one of those guys who get butthurt about normal reactions to certain social cues/situations (nonverbal behavior) out of caution.

 

You displayed intimidating behavior, as perceived by your wife. What you need to do is to accept it was only a reaction, and to be careful of your approach and demeanor towards her. Anyone can look intimidating, even women. Even me, with my "innocent" looking face while lost in thought. Even people who don't mean to be intimidating at all. It's all about body language; that is the lesson to take away - have good body language as perceived by someone else.

[abitbroken]

I don't think this is about "saving our marriage". I have no intentions of leaving her and as far as I know, neither does she. You suggestions are fine, but moot at this point. She asked me not to bring it up anymore, and so I think I need to respect her wishes on this and not prompt a discussion about it. If she brings it up on her own sometime in the future, then maybe we can discuss it.

 

Yes, it is "saving your marriage" if she starts to check out because of it. The problem is that you don't communicate well with eachother at all.

[abitbroken]

Can you for once address concerns the minute they come up instead of having "silly arguments" about things? Arguments happen when people let things fester.

[IAmFCA]

I don't think this is about "saving our marriage". I have no intentions of leaving her and as far as I know, neither does she. You suggestions are fine, but moot at this point. She asked me not to bring it up anymore, and so I think I need to respect her wishes on this and not prompt a discussion about it. If she brings it up on her own sometime in the future, then maybe we can discuss it.

 

Saving your marriage is wholly different from preventing divorce.

 

My point is this:

 

when you saw that your wife was afraid of you, you had at least two choices. One, feel empathy, understanding, and sadness for her given that thisis her experience. Two, be offended, insulted, and disenfranchised, because this is her experience.

 

Her experience remains one in which she is afraid of your anger.

[journeynow]

I believe you when you say you had no intention of hurting her. I also hear you when you say the arguments are silly and ridiculous. It sounds like you believe she over-reacts, and that is an issue in your marriage. She didn't trust you in that moment, and you believe she should have. You are dismissive, though, of her point of view. Do you believe there is something wrong with her perception? Do you think she is paranoid?

 

Can you give an example of an argument you've had over something silly?

 

If you believe it is silly, why do you argue?

[IAmFCA]

Journeynow asks good questions.

 

Even in a case of mental illness, our experience is true to ourselves. In a marriage, when we experience something we want to know that our spouse is aware of our experience. Even if our spouse doesn't share the experience, he or she can acknowledge that we experienced it. That way we feel seen by our partner and that allows us to have different lives but remain connected.

 

When we dismiss the experience of our spouse as unnecessary and/inappropriate, we leave our spouse alone, disconnected, forced to live a solitary emotional life or look elsewhere for companionship and validation.

 

It seems to me you each dismissing the other. You can control only yourself. Change the pattern by first listening and validating her experience, whatever it is. Let her have that experience. She does not need to use the same coping skills as you; she is a different person and will have different triggers.

 

In my very long ago over marriage, we did not accept each other as valid. Instead we invalidated each other as being wrong, because we experienced life as polar opposites. We said the same things, that neither of felt heard, that both of us were listening. But we both listened through a protective layer, afraid of being manipulated by the other. We spoke partial truths so we wouldn't be judged or push the other person away.

 

We were too afraid of being rejected to take the risks necessary to stay together.

[semaj281]

Saving your marriage is wholly different from preventing divorce.

With no-fault divorces being a thing, is preventing a divorce even an option if the other party has their heart set on it?

 

Journeynow asks good questions.

When we dismiss the experience of our spouse as unnecessary and/inappropriate, we leave our spouse alone, disconnected, forced to live a solitary emotional life or look elsewhere for companionship and validation.

 

It seems to me you each dismissing the other. You can control only yourself. Change the pattern by first listening and validating her experience, whatever it is. Let her have that experience. She does not need to use the same coping skills as you; she is a different person and will have different triggers.

 

In my very long ago over marriage, we did not accept each other as valid. Instead we invalidated each other as being wrong, because we experienced life as polar opposites. We said the same things, that neither of felt heard, that both of us were listening. But we both listened through a protective layer, afraid of being manipulated by the other. We spoke partial truths so we wouldn't be judged or push the other person away.

 

We were too afraid of being rejected to take the risks necessary to stay together.

This is so true. My wife has been telling me for months to seek counseling for my behavior and then eventually some type of marriage counseling to work on our communication. It took a traumatic event for me to realize how long I've been dismissing her and at the time it was happening I was clueless. This makes a spouse feel invalidated and empty.

 

I'm sorry to hear that your marriage came to an end. I can feel the sadness in your post. My marriage may be falling off the wayside as well, for reasons I mentioned.

[glitterfingers]

Haven't really read any of the other responses, but would just say that I thought this of my brother recently. He was standing on the other side of the room showing me some martial arts moves he's picked up, and then for some reason he was in my personal space demonstrating (without touching me at all) how he would defend himself. And all of a sudden I panicked and I told him straight up "You're scaring me". There was no aggression or anger, and he literally was showing me something that didn't require me to have any physical contact with him at all.

 

Fact is, he's a big guy (6'3 and 105kg/230lbs) and while I'm tall (5'10) I'm quite slender and definitely unable to defend myself. But he is nowhere near what you'd call aggressive, I think he was in a fight -once- as a teenager. It was more of an instinctual thing that I felt fear - he never has hit me (or basically anyone), he's been angry and raised his voice before, but we've not had physical altercations since we were under 12. And even in this situation, the atmosphere was absolutely clear of tension. Only thing I can think of is that some men are naturally a lot more testosterone-fuelled, and women can sense the potential for aggression. Men in general can be quite scary as a female when you feel vulnerable

 

So as I think someone else here said, don't make this about you. I think you're taking it too personally, although I understand why you think it's an interpersonal issue specifically between you and your wife. My guess is that it's not. I genuinely think some women tend to fear men, especially men's tempers, even if they've never been given a reason to believe they would be put in harm's way

 

For the record, my brother understood and apologised, I think he understands the concept of male privilege and that he doesn't have to fear for his life when he's (for example) walking down a street alone at night