Early Stage: How much communicating between meetups?

[TrueBlue631]

I met a fine lady online (both of us in our 40s), we had our first date this past Wednesday. I last spoke with her last night (Friday) and set up a date for next Saturday.

 

So... what do I do between now and then to maintain mutual interest? How often should I text or call just to say hi, etc.?

I don't want to be a pest, but also don't want to seem to be aloof or uninterested.

 

Thanks!

[ClumsyGuy]

Dates should be just one/week for the first 60 days and on weekdays. Your weekends should be for special activities. Let the lady earn it first before you take her on a weekend date! You must keep text/calls to a minimum - they are just for setting dates. Let her reach you out more and more with time. If any questions, feel free to ask Good luck!

[Hollyj]

Dates should be just one/week for the first 60 days and on weekdays. Your weekends should be for special activities. Let the lady earn it first before you take her on a weekend date! You must keep text/calls to a minimum - they are just for setting dates. Let her reach you out more and more with time. If any questions, feel free to ask Good luck!

\

 

These games are nonsense. "Earn it." Really!!!!

 

You should take her out when you like to take her out, preferably the weekends. In the beginning, I prefer the man to reach out, but after that, it should be mutual.

 

OP, how much contact has there already been between the two of you?

[ClumsyGuy]

\

 

These games are nonsense. "Earn it." Really!!!!

 

You should take her out when you like to take her out, preferably the weekends. In the beginning, I prefer the man to reach out, but after that, it should be mutual.

 

OP, how much contact has there already been between the two of you?

 

That's correct - in the beginning, the man should reach out. But not more than once/week. More than that is too much, and less than that is too little.

 

He just went on his first date on Wednesday and is still getting to know her. Weekends should be avoided in the beginning as I assume a man has many more interesting stuffs to do on weekends (perhaps with close friends or other hobbies) and should not waste weekends for a lady that may or may not be the right one for him. Once he gets to know the lady well, he can then take her on a weekend date - that's the best way to go from a man's perspective.

[figureitout23]

Text her when you want to text her, take her out when you want to take her out. If its right, let it flow, game playing will chase a good woman away.

 

I've had guys I'm interested in text me the same night and plan dates 2 days after the last, if it works it works. There is literally no formula, if it's right it'll be right and it'll be hard to 'chase her away'. Be yourself.

[Hollyj]

Text her when you want to text her, take her out when you want to take her out. If its right, let it flow, game playing will chase a good woman away.

 

I've had guys I'm interested in text me the same night and plan dates 2 days after the last, if it works it works. There is literally no formula, if it's right it'll be right and it'll be hard to 'chase her away'. Be yourself.

 

Totally agree!

 

OP, do what feels right.

 

I find it insulting when the above poster mentioned not "wasting" your weekend on a woman, until you know her better. I am giving a woman's perspective, and would be completely turned off by the game playing.

[Capricorn3]

I find it insulting when the above poster mentioned not "wasting" your weekend on a woman, until you know her better. I am giving a woman's perspective, and would be completely turned off by the game playing.

Ditto. Rude, insulting and offensive. Hopefully the OP, who is in his 40's, is more mature and won't resort to this game playing. OP, read the post of "figureitout23" - do what feels right and comfortable to YOU.

[j.man]

I do agree that gameplaying isn't ever good. If you happen to have a Friday or Saturday open, then by all means throw it out there as an option. That said, working hard and long hours during the week and having my fair share of social events on the weekend, it typically takes a bit before I'm allocating real estate (weekends) on someone I'm just getting to know. All depends on what you've got going on.

[Hollyj]

I too, am one that has a lot going on in their lives. I don't understand the comment about women being attracted "to like such men who have exciting things going on in their lives." And, most of my female friends have many activities during the week, and weekend. None are sitting home waiting for a phone call.

[Hollyj]

"P.S. - Avoid taking dating advice from women because women are driven by emotions (unlike men who are driven by logic). So, women often tend to miss the goal while giving advice. They tend to focus on giving advice that will make you feel comfortable and worry-free (just like a mother-son relationship) - and will often tell you to just be yourself and not worry too much - that's not what you want, isn't it?. Go to a woman only when you want to be heard (without needing an advice) because women excel at communication and are awesome listeners (I'm a bit envious of them in that area LOL). Good luck!"

This is downright offensive!!!! Clumsy, you are clearly showing your age.

[katrina1980]

@Clumsey, I think you're on the right track but missing one very important element.

 

Yes we do want a man with an exciting busy life, even a man with many options.

 

And what excites us and turns us on is when such man becomes interested in "us," and shows us!

 

True for me anyway, and my friends.

 

He shows us this, by making time in his ever-so-busy schedule to text us, call us, make and keep dates with us, during the week AND on the weekends.

 

Weekends are nice cause we're usually off work, can let our "hair" down (so to speak) and relax.

 

That is the best environment to truly get to know each other; during the week I am usually very tired and stressed after work, having a date with a new man just stresses me out more.

 

Although when interested will agree to it, but it doesn't intrigue me or excite me, especially if that's all there was for two months.

 

If a man failed to ask me out for weekends for two months (60 days like you said in your first post), I would presume (naturally) he has very low interest, which in turn, would lower my interest.

[ClumsyGuy]

@Hollyj

 

"I too, am one that has a lot going on in their lives. I don't understand the comment about women being attracted "to like such men who have exciting things going on in their lives." And, most of my female friends have many activities during the week, and weekend. None are sitting home waiting for a phone call. "

 

The previous post was for the OP and men in general. I wasn't talking about you or other people who commented here. But I really admire you and other similar people who have lots of fun and positive activities going in their lives!

 

---

 

"Women tend to like men who have exciting things going on in their lives"

 

It means, women are attracted to men who are outgoing and fun to be with; take care of their health and body; have good relationships with family, friends, strangers, etc.; have lots of exciting hobbies and skills/talents; participate in social events; and apart from all this, they are strong, centered, driven, and highly focused on achieving their goals and living their purpose. Ain't you attracted to such men? *grins*

 

---

 

"This is downright offensive!!!! Clumsy, you are clearly showing your age. "

 

You seem more like impressed than offended! hahaha

 

What I said is true, you can just carefully observe all the woman who commented on this thread as well as all other threads on this website.

 

***

 

 

@katrina

 

Thank you for being honest. The things you talked about are true not just for you and your friends - they are true for women of all places, religions, cultures, etc.

 

 

Coming to your question about the 60-day non-weekend date. I agree I should have been more detailed on that as well (but I'm a bit lazy!

 

In majority of cases, women will point out this fact about the weekend date because they are excellent communicators in general (like I said in my previous post).

 

So, they will either communicate it directly and say something like "Why do we never go on a weekend date?" OR they will communicate in more subtle ways and say something like "You seem really busy on weekends!". That's the time when the man should take her on a weekend date before 60 days! It generally happens between 30-45 days but can happen anytime depending upon the level of interest of the woman for the man. So, men must know how to read the lady they are dating (both verbal as well as non-verbal cues) because all woman (without exceptions) crave for being heard and understood.

 

But what if she never communicates something like that? It can only mean two things:

 

1. She's not really that interested in the man. - And that's why 60-day period is important to reveal the interest of the lady. If she doesn't communicate that within 60 days, the man should move on because you shouldn't spend time with someone who is not as much interested in you as you are in them. Also, 60 days are important because woman open up emotionally far slowly than men do (most men start dreaming about relationship/marriage after 2nd or 3rd date!

 

 

2. She's not a good communicator (rare) - If that's the case, you shouldn't be spending time with people who are not good communicators. Because in the long run, such relationships almost always fail. Communication is the key!

 

 

I understand what you meant when you said you are stressed during weekdays and weekends are better for dates. But for that I want to say that a really confident and masculine man will be able to effortlessly take away all your stress and worries so that you can just relax and have fun, romantic time together!

[TrueBlue631]

\

 

These games are nonsense. "Earn it." Really!!!!

 

You should take her out when you like to take her out, preferably the weekends. In the beginning, I prefer the man to reach out, but after that, it should be mutual.

 

OP, how much contact has there already been between the two of you?

 

Thanks for the reply Holly.

 

Not much. I tend to be the initiator most of the time, via text, but we just had our first date earlier this past week.

 

I’m not going to reveal her career, but she works 12 hour shifts two days at a time, and a day or two in between off. So days that she does work I would imagine she’s busy. Those days that I did text when she worked, it took a long time for her to reply, well after her shift ended.

 

Friday, I asked if she was around that evening to give her a call (so I could set up a 2nd date), she said yes. I told her I’d call around 8:30, I called about 8:33p, and she didn’t answer. She called back 45 mins later, saying she fell asleep watching a movie.

 

I’ll be honest, I’m coming off a relationship where I was used to speaking to my partner every day, so the lengthy radio silence is awkward to me. But that said, I don’t want to be a pest, but want to maintain a mutual interest (if there is one on her end).

[TrueBlue631]

 

And what excites us and turns us on is when such man becomes interested in "us," and shows us!

 

True for me anyway, and my friends.

 

He shows us this, by making time in his ever-so-busy schedule to text us, call us, make and keep dates with us, during the week AND on the weekends.

 

 

Thanks for replying Katrina.

 

I understand showing the interest by texting, calling, etc., and agree it feels nice when someone does that. (esp a woman, speaking as a guy).

 

I have no problem showing interest, but don't want it to be one sided, and untimely or too frequent to seem like I'm stalking, or have nothing better to do.

But I also don't want to seem uninterested.

 

A few weeks ago I chatted with someone frequently everyday until we had our first date (I ended up not being interested ultimately). A good morning and have a good day a work message, a how was work message, and general light flirting.

 

I agree somewhat with Clumsy's take that it shouldn't seem like a guy has nothing to do and has all this time to text.

 

However, I prefer seeing only one woman at a time, so I'm am putting my focus on this. (Ladies, do you like guys who do this? I am purposely not signing onto my dating profile to hopefully show her that I'm not looking elsewhere, in case she's the type to check.).

[figureitout23]

I understand what you meant when you said you are stressed during weekdays and weekends are better for dates. But for that I want to say that a really confident and masculine man will be able to effortlessly take away all your stress and worries so that you can just relax and have fun, romantic time together!

 

Unless you're The Lord Jesus Christ you can't make a work deadline disappear so how is your masculinity and confidence going to make me screw myself over on a Tuesday when you're not even willing to see me on a Friday? FOH!!!!!!!!!!

 

The logic is sexist and demeaning. No matter how you word it, you're essentially saying I need to earn your valuable time. Again, unless you're The Lord Jesus Christ wth are you doing that's so damn important you can't make time for a woman you want to date? Some other posters may agree with you, and maybe women fall for it, but at the end of the day it's demeaning. Youre essentially saying my time isn't as 'valuable' as yours while trying to date me. If you don't have the desire to place value in getting to know me, it'll be an uphill battle and I'll be d*mned if I knowingly put myself through that.

 

I'm so glad I can see this mindset so if I even get a whiff of it from a potential man I can run for the flippin hills.

[figureitout23]

Thanks for the reply Holly.

 

Not much. I tend to be the initiator most of the time, via text, but we just had our first date earlier this past week.

 

I’m not going to reveal her career, but she works 12 hour shifts two days at a time, and a day or two in between off. So days that she does work I would imagine she’s busy. Those days that I did text when she worked, it took a long time for her to reply, well after her shift ended.

 

Friday, I asked if she was around that evening to give her a call (so I could set up a 2nd date), she said yes. I told her I’d call around 8:30, I called about 8:33p, and she didn’t answer. She called back 45 mins later, saying she fell asleep watching a movie.

 

I’ll be honest, I’m coming off a relationship where I was used to speaking to my partner every day, so the lengthy radio silence is awkward to me. But that said, I don’t want to be a pest, but want to maintain a mutual interest (if there is one on her end).

 

I think you should do what's natural to you. If she's busy but gets back to you when she can and is otherwise eager to talk to you/get to know you, I think you'll be fine.

[Hollyj]

@Hollyj

 

"I too, am one that has a lot going on in their lives. I don't understand the comment about women being attracted "to like such men who have exciting things going on in their lives." And, most of my female friends have many activities during the week, and weekend. None are sitting home waiting for a phone call. "

 

The previous post was for the OP and men in general. I wasn't talking about you or other people who commented here. But I really admire you and other similar people who have lots of fun and positive activities going in their lives!

 

---

 

"Women tend to like men who have exciting things going on in their lives"

 

It means, women are attracted to men who are outgoing and fun to be with; take care of their health and body; have good relationships with family, friends, strangers, etc.; have lots of exciting hobbies and skills/talents; participate in social events; and apart from all this, they are strong, centered, driven, and highly focused on achieving their goals and living their purpose. Ain't you attracted to such men? *grins*

 

---

 

"This is downright offensive!!!! Clumsy, you are clearly showing your age. "

 

You seem more like impressed than offended! hahaha

 

What I said is true, you can just carefully observe all the woman who commented on this thread as well as all other threads on this website.

 

***

 

 

@katrina

 

Thank you for being honest. The things you talked about are true not just for you and your friends - they are true for women of all places, religions, cultures, etc.

 

 

Coming to your question about the 60-day non-weekend date. I agree I should have been more detailed on that as well (but I'm a bit lazy!

 

In majority of cases, women will point out this fact about the weekend date because they are excellent communicators in general (like I said in my previous post).

 

So, they will either communicate it directly and say something like "Why do we never go on a weekend date?" OR they will communicate in more subtle ways and say something like "You seem really busy on weekends!". That's the time when the man should take her on a weekend date before 60 days! It generally happens between 30-45 days but can happen anytime depending upon the level of interest of the woman for the man. So, men must know how to read the lady they are dating (both verbal as well as non-verbal cues) because all woman (without exceptions) crave for being heard and understood.

 

But what if she never communicates something like that? It can only mean two things:

 

1. She's not really that interested in the man. - And that's why 60-day period is important to reveal the interest of the lady. If she doesn't communicate that within 60 days, the man should move on because you shouldn't spend time with someone who is not as much interested in you as you are in them. Also, 60 days are important because woman open up emotionally far slowly than men do (most men start dreaming about relationship/marriage after 2nd or 3rd date!

 

 

2. She's not a good communicator (rare) - If that's the case, you shouldn't be spending time with people who are not good communicators. Because in the long run, such relationships almost always fail. Communication is the key!

 

 

I understand what you meant when you said you are stressed during weekdays and weekends are better for dates. But for that I want to say that a really confident and masculine man will be able to effortlessly take away all your stress and worries so that you can just relax and have fun, romantic time together!

 

Of course, I am attracted to such men, as I have many interests and a wide social circle. You stated things in a way that sounded like the guys were the only ones who had things going on, and not to waste their weekends on women, until they had been dating them for 60 days (only during the week), which I find ridiculous - As Katrina had stated, I would not wait around for someone in that time period, to deem me worthy of their weekend time.

 

Trust me, I wasn't impressed. I think most would question this perspective.

 

I did not see one poster agree with your position, in fact, it was quite the opposite. They all said you were speaking of game playing.

[Hollyj]

Thanks for the reply Holly.

 

Not much. I tend to be the initiator most of the time, via text, but we just had our first date earlier this past week.

 

I’m not going to reveal her career, but she works 12 hour shifts two days at a time, and a day or two in between off. So days that she does work I would imagine she’s busy. Those days that I did text when she worked, it took a long time for her to reply, well after her shift ended.

 

Friday, I asked if she was around that evening to give her a call (so I could set up a 2nd date), she said yes. I told her I’d call around 8:30, I called about 8:33p, and she didn’t answer. She called back 45 mins later, saying she fell asleep watching a movie.

 

I’ll be honest, I’m coming off a relationship where I was used to speaking to my partner every day, so the lengthy radio silence is awkward to me. But that said, I don’t want to be a pest, but want to maintain a mutual interest (if there is one on her end).

 

True,

 

I would be careful. It doesn't sound like this lady has much time for anyone.

 

You sound like a really nice guy. Yes. I like it when a guy is not dating multiple people.

 

Wishing you much luck

[milly007]

I say contact her when you want to contact her.

 

I'm currently going through a similar situation as you, OP, however I'm in the lady's shoes.

 

I haven't met this guy yet, and we started chatting a week ago. I have a very stressful, demanding job, and texting is frowned upon at work. That said, I had to tell this guy I'm chatting with exactly that, but I get back to him when I can. I still got the sense that he was still wanting more communication and was somewhat frustrated.

 

Further to that, I have to say, last Monday (about a day after I started chatting with this guy), I went into work thinking it would be like every other work day. About an hour into office hours, people were being laid- off. A few of my friends and colleagues were let go, and they had been working for the company for a very long time. Needless to say, I, along with my other work colleagues, had fairly heavy hearts all week. Talk about distracting.

 

Although this guy and I were exchanging one or two texts a day, he wanted to call me a couple of times throughout the week. I told him on Wednesday that I'd be home from work between 8 and 9. He texted me at 9:30 to see if I was home yet, and unfortunately, I had fallen asleep. I didn't wake-up until 11:30, which is when I texted him and apologized.

 

On Saturday, I reached out via text in the early afternoon to see how his weekend was going. He didn't respond until much later in the evening. To be honest, when I hadn't heard from him, I thought we were done. He asked if he could call me. We spoke and cleared the air. I explained to him what happened last week at work, and that I didn't want him to think there was a lack of interest on my part (because he said he wasn't sensing interest at all, which I really didn't get). So we left things on a good note and should be meeting up this week.

 

The moral of my long post is that you should do what you want to do. If you want to contact her, do just that. She might have a denanding and stressful work schedule, but us ladies with the crazy schedules need luv, too! Just because I have a busy schedule doesn't mean I'm not interested. And I find that, at least for me, although I have a busy schedule, if I find the right guy and someone who I want to invest my time in, they will become a priority in my life. But I find it takes time to get to know someone to this extent, and this lady you met might like to take her time and take things slow.

 

At the same time, if you are confused and unsure of her interest level, I can't see why you can't open up the lines of communication and see where her head's at. This is exactly what happened when I spoke with my guy on the phone on Saturday. He told me that he didn't think I was interested, yet I told him I was. Things were put into perspective when I explained to him what happened at work last week and the extent of my workload.

 

I'm also more attracted to men who reach out and make an effort. I'll always reciprocate and reach out, too. Once that stops, my interest subsides.

[TrueBlue631]

I'm also more attracted to men who reach out and make an effort. I'll always reciprocate and reach out, too. Once that stops, my interest subsides.

 

 

I can understand this, but do you also initiate the texts too? Like a good morning, how's your day going, etc., or do you wait for the guy to always send the first text?

 

My guess would be if it were the latter, he might get the impression that you're not interested if he's the only one sending.

Whereas if I were to get an initial text from a woman, I would be very impressed, and know that she's interested too, and not just being reactionary.

[j.man]

You've been on one date. You've got another planned for this Saturday. Take it easy and catch up with her then. I don't think she's necessarily too busy, but she's busy enough to not get too fussed about using the time she does have for herself to call and text men she hardly knows.

 

You may have gotten out of a relationship where you two were in touch every day, but she's not your old partner and I wouldn't even call you two dating yet, much less in a relationship. I think you're putting way too much stake in this early stage between-date communication.

[TrueBlue631]

Thanks J.Man.

That's definitely good advice!

 

It's amazing how rusty we sometimes get at dating after being out of the scene for so long!!