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Dating advice: Help - Beware, I wrote this at 3am tired and sad.


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Lately, I've been noticing that everyone around me is getting into relationships but me... I recently read an article saying '16 Reason Why You're Always Single': 'There are so many reasons why some people are single, and some are super in love. Sometimes you’re on your own because you’re in school for a long time, or you’re stressed out at work and don’t feel like dating, or you just can’t meet the right person. Other times, you’re by yourself all because of you. Yup that sounds harsh, but sorry, it has to be said. This is an entirely classic case of self-sabotage, which is common. If you’re wondering why you’ve been single forever, or you tell your friends that you just don’t get why you’re striking out with this whole love thing, you want to keep reading. There are a lot of reasons why you’re not a girlfriend and why you just might never hold that title. 16 of them, to be exact. Check out the things that are keeping you from getting a boyfriend. 16. You’re Way Too Selfish To Function You probably don’t think that you’re a selfish person. No one wants to believe that about themselves. It’s not exactly the best personality trait to have. But… that just might be what’s going on here. You’ll never be a girlfriend if you’re selfish because of two significant things that need to happen in a relationship: you need to compromise, and you need to think about how your partner feels. If you always insist on doing everything that you want on dates and you never listen when your partner is upset, you’re going to be a horrible girlfriend. Just saying. It may be a bit of an unfair stereotype to say that single people are selfish because they do whatever they want, but sometimes the shoe fits, and this is one of those times. 15.


You Don’t Talk About Feelings Not everyone is a romantic, of course, and not every couple exchanges sweet nothings and does adorable things for each other all the time. It’s not like there is any right way to be in a relationship and there’s no rule book or map to follow (even though people think that there are thanks to the plethora of advice out there). But if you can’t talk about how your feelings, you can be sure that you can’t be a girlfriend. Because that’s part of the deal. You have to be able to express your emotions, whether that’s about how amazing you think your new guy is or how much you love being with him. It’s not fair to him if he says the most beautiful things to you and you’re all, 'Okay, cool, thanks, but it’s not like I’m going to say it back.” 14. You Run Away From Every Feeling When things get real, and when you like someone, it’s like you have an off switch. You run away and never look back. Your friends ask what happened with that great new guy in your life because they honestly thought that this time was different and that you two would be something. You shrug and change the subject. You probably don’t think that walking away from a potential new love story is a big deal, but it honestly is. Because of the more times that you do this, the more you miss out on finding love and being truly happy with someone. It’s one of the greatest things in life. Why wouldn’t you want to experience that' Because you’re scared' There’s nothing to be scared of if you’re with the right person. 13. You Never Take Risks And Always Play It Safe Love is pretty much the most significant risk that you could take. You’re saying to someone that you care about them, and you want to be with them, and they’ve wormed their way into your life and brain and heart. It makes you pretty vulnerable and raw, which is a lot of people shy away from telling someone that they love them. If you don’t take risks in your life, whether that’s going after your dream job or speaking up when it matters, then you play it safe, and love isn’t in your future (at least until you change your ways). You do have to take risks if you want to find love. It’s the only way to go. And it’s something that everyone has to face at some point. 12. You’re Negative About Dating Being negative is awful. It makes everyone around you uncomfortable because they wonder if you’re ever happy or you’re just a miserable being 24/7. It’s not going to make you very popular. If you’re cynical about dating, then it’s no wonder that you’re not a girlfriend. And you just might never be one. Just because you’re not in a relationship right now doesn’t mean that relationships suck. It doesn’t say that it’s horrible to have someone special in your life or that you can’t imagine being happy with anyone. Or at least it shouldn’t. You need to turn your bad attitude into a good one if you want to find love. Plus, your best friends probably hate hearing you say such negative things all the time, especially if you insult their own love lives. Can you mention bitter'! 11. You Have Other Priorities You want to travel to every place that you’re dreaming. You care about your career and nothing else. You have goals and lists and lists of records. Sound familiar' This just might be you… and it just might be why you’ll never be a girlfriend. Putting other things in front of love is a standard way to go, but that doesn’t mean that it’s a good idea. Because it’s not. Sure, of course, you have to work for a living (and hopefully you enjoy what you do at least somewhat) and figure out how to be an adult. But once that’s all worked out, you have no excuse not to at least try to find someone to share your life with. That’s what you’re making: excuses. Yup. 10. You’re Way Too Immature The final reason that you’ll never be a girlfriend' You’re super immature. If you don’t take care of yourself, if you work 24/7, if you don’t eat healthily or exercise or get enough sleep, if you don’t make time for your friends and family — the truth is that you just might be less mature than you think. Being available for a real, grown-up relationship means having your stuff together. Getting to that point isn’t easy, but that’s part of growing up. It’s just the way that it goes. If you can’t figure out how to be happy and act your age, then you’re just not going to find love, and you’re just never going to be a girlfriend. And if you want to see passion deep down, isn’t that the saddest thought ever' 9. You Don’t Date… Ever How can you ever be someone’s girlfriend if you never, ever go on dates'


It might not be a question that you’ve ever asked yourself, and yet it’s crucial AF. Going on dates means that you’re open to finding someone that you like and want to get to know better. Not going dates is like saying to the universe, 'It’s cool, I’ll just stay single.” Sure, you might not be into the idea of using dating apps or online dating, and that’s fine. You don’t have to. But if someone asks you out or you meet someone amazing, you should want to explore that connection and stay open it. If you’re not open, then you can’t complain that you’re single, can you' Nope, you just can’t. 8. You Don’t Believe In Love This one makes sense, right' If you don’t believe in love, then it’s hard to say that you would ever be a girlfriend. You have to think that love exists and be open to finding it to even think about being in a relationship with someone. It’s become a huge cliche to say that you don’t believe in love. People write songs and make movies and compose novels about not feeling in love. It’s a thing. But why don’t you think it' Because you’ve never been in love before' Becuase you have, and you got your heart severely broken' Sure, you’re entitled to your beliefs and your opinions, but if you miss out on finding love because you’re afraid or carrying around some baggage, that sucks. You have to let this stuff go. 7. You’re Extra Picky There’s being picky, like not wanting to date someone because they said something on the first date that bugged you and you can’t get over it. Most people can understand that. Sometimes people just annoy you. Then there’s being extra picky, which is what you are if you’re single and it’s unclear if you’re ever going to be someone’s girlfriend. If you say you won’t date a guy because his hair is blonde or his eyes are blue, and you only like guys with brown hair and brown eyes, or you don’t agree with his favorite band, or something equally random and ridiculous, then congrats, you’ve figured out how to be the pickiest person ever. It’s an art form, really, and you should cultivate this skill. You should do something with it because it’s not going to make you a girlfriend. 6. You’re Chained To Routines Everyone has routines, but some people are more attached to their regular schedule than others. You’re probably totally chained to your routine, and it’s a reason that you’re not in a relationship. If you want to be with someone, you’re going to do everything that you can to be with them, and that means spending time with them. If you usually work out on Friday nights, but that’s a night that you and your new beau can hang out, you should want to see him instead of going to your regular workout class. You won’t be able to start a new relationship while still being attached to the ways that have you spent your time up until now. It’s not that you’re going to change or stop doing the things that you love. It’s just that you have to give the new relationship enough time and attention. 5. You Complain A Lot No one finds this quality attractive. Honestly, no one. You might think that you’re funny and that people love hearing you whine about everything and yet that’s probably the furthest thing from the truth. Would you want to go on a date with someone who complains the entire time' Probably not. That’s totally how people feel about you, whether you realize it or not. You’ll never be a girlfriend if you complain like it’s your full-time job. You have to get your stuff together so you can be a fun, entertaining, sweet person, and those are the qualities that people find attractive. Otherwise, you’re looking at keeping your single life for a long time. If that’s what you want, then sure, that’s cool. If it’s not, then you might want to examine why you’re so mad about everything… 4. You Don’t Think You’re Good Enough It’s tough to open yourself up to someone no matter what. When you’re feeling a bit insecure, it can seem even harder, and it might also look impossible that someone would love you. If you do find someone who seems interested in you, though, you do have to take a deep breath and explore that. It’s silly to give up the chance to get to know them and see what could happen between the two of you. They’re going to tell you how they feel about you and if talk about how awesome you are and how much they like you, you should believe them. It’s not like they’re lying about that.


You owe it to yourself to stop feeling like you’re not good enough and start thinking that you are. 3. You’re Stressed To The Max Stress is one of the worst things ever. Whether you’re dealing with work-related stress or something in your personal or family life, it makes sense that you wouldn’t feel like dating. It might not feel like the right time. The problem happens when you’re always saying that it’s not the right time and when you’re in a constant state of stress. Yes, stressful things happen in life, but you shouldn’t feel like your life is so nuts and so horrible that you can’t possibly even think about finding love or dating someone. You deserve to have a full experience, and that includes a relationship. If you ever find yourself saying or assuming that you don’t have time to date or think about finding someone amazing, you should examine that. 2. You Always Say No To Set-Ups Or Dates It would be great if you met eligible bachelors every day. Since you probably don’t, you need to explore other ways of meeting guys. That includes being set-up by your friends or even by family members. You probably always say no to being set up, which is another reason why you’ll never be a girlfriend. How can you possibly be someone’s girlfriend if you never want to go out with anyone' You could have a million reasons why you say no — you want to work that weekend, you want to stay home and watch TV, you just don’t want to go — but none of them make any sense. Always rejecting the idea of going on dates is going to keep you single, that’s for sure. 1. You Hate Change Guess what' Going from being single to being in a relationship is a significant change. It’s a good change for sure, and it’s what single people dream of and wish for, but it’s still something different. It means putting yourself out there and taking a chance on someone and altering your routine a bit to see them (as mentioned previously). Hating change means you can’t be in a relationship. Period. You won’t be able to handle letting someone else into your life and making them a part of it. You won’t like how suddenly this person is significant to you and means a lot to you when just a few weeks or months ago you didn’t even know them. You just won’t be able to handle that… and that’s a shame since it’s the best feeling ever.' I know this is a long post and a long article, but when my friend sent me this, I felt almost all were true (maybe not 10 or 5). People do tell me I’m pretty and only 2 guys in my life (other than my exes) have come up to me but the problem is they’re not my type at all. And I've always had the worst luck in the love department (Story time): Fast forward to my junior year of high school where I first fell for a tall (6’5”) senior boy who was trying to go to the Air Force. We met at a summer camp and started talking after we got back. Everything seemed to be okay. He would always come up to me and speak to me; we would always hang out. I was the one who initiated us hanging out. He came to my church party, even though he did not know anyone there. He hung out with only me that night. Then a couple of days later, he invited me to what I thought was a yogurt date. It was not a date. It was the two of us at first, then his friends came and took him, and he made me walk home by myself because the yogurt shop was two minutes from my house. Then after that, I tried to ask him to prom, but he refused to go. Then after that, he invited me to come to his house to meet his family and celebrate that he got accepted to Arizona State’s ROTC program for the Air Force. After that, he stopped talking with me, stopped all physical contacts with me and started pursuing my best friend. Then one day after his graduation, he left without saying goodbye to me, and I had to find out everything like him not liking me from the start and how he was pursuing my friends from one my best friends. It took me two years to get over him, and on Valentine’s Day two years ago, he hits me up saying he is sorry for hurting me and wants to take me to dinner to my favorite restaurant. So I take up his offer for dinner (I mean I am a foodie. I never turn down free food and he knew that) and when we were at dinner, he told me how his best friends hated me and tried to persuade him to go to my best friends and how he dropped out of ASU and the ROTC program. They also told him not to go and apologize to me and how it would make me have feelings for him again. I said that would not happen because he hurt me and I would not wish to take him back in that aspect, but I am willing to be friends again. After that, we went our separate ways. Then one day he mentions his girlfriend now doesn’t like me and how we cannot be friends anymore. Later after eight months, I found out she broke up with him because he kept liking all my Instagram posts and how he tried to comfort me when I did not get accepted into the internship I applied. Fast forward again to eight months ago. I finally got accepted into the Disneyland College Program Internship, and when he found out I was moving, he tried to help me out, but I did not want his help because I was stubborn and wanted to do it myself. Then when I got there, he kept telling me how he was going to try to visit me. Well he did not, and he called me one day asking if he could visit me, but I had to drive ten hours to get him. I did not and cut all ties with him because it was exhausting. Then I started living my life. Then a month ago, before I left, I met someone through a friend. At first, I thought he did not like me, which happens all the time when I meet someone I thought was cute. Then somehow he got my contact number, and we started talking. Then one day he asked me out on a date. We went on our date, and it was okay.


He is an awkward army guy. On our date, he took me to dinner, and we went bowling which is something my family is against because the family thing is if you go bowling, you and that person will get married because that was what happened to everyone in my family. After the date, he told me that he was excited that I said yes and how he was nervous. He also stated that he wanted to ask if we could wager during our bowling match: If I win, I will slap him for being late because of car troubles, but if he wins, he will kiss me. He had won the match, so we had kissed twice. After that, we started talking more, but all my friends were telling me to end it with him and how I was stupid for doing this and how I am leaving in a week, and it’ll never work. So I called it off, but he said that he still wanted to see me before I left and how he will miss me. So I saw him the day before I had to go with some other friends of ours because we all were trying to get together for my last day in California. Throughout that day, he was acting distant and rude towards me, but later that night saying he wished he would have held my hand, put his arms around my waist and kissed me and when he dropped me off how it left weird and nostalgic because he kissed me in front of my apartment. Then he started telling me how he when we first kissed, after I left, he began doing the Carlton dance and had the pleasure of being my first kiss and how he will visit me in Arizona and how if I’m back in California we could retry. He even wrote an Instagram post about us together, It was so cute it made me cry. Then we had started talking again when I got home. He was more flirty than before. Then after his birthday that is when everything changed, he did not seem as flirty as he was. When I asked him if we could make this work and he said that we could not because of distance and if we met up again in the future and we both were single we could start things up again, but that is kind of where I lost my temper and blew up on him. I told him that I’ve been doing distance with my family because every person in my family is in the military. I told him all my best friends are no longer in AZ with me and I do a distance with them. I asked him what he would do if he got stationed somewhere since he is in the army and how that was a cowardly soldier, sorry ass excuse to tell someone with the military lifestyle. Then he replied saying to calm down because I was the first to call things off, how he cried when I broke things off, how he was still willing to see me and how he cried when he could not see his family when he had to go to basic training and how I was overreacting from him now being flirty with me anymore which was semi-true because it was a deja vu with the first guy. Then he said that we were friends and how he wanted my ex to stop liking all my photos are Instagram because even though I unfollowed him, he still follows me. I told him that after that day he messaged me to come get him, I cut all contact and don’t talk to him or any of that. Now, that guy I met in California will not return my calls, texts, snap chats but still is friends with me on Facebook, but I noticed he now is being flirty with one of our other friends. Then after two weeks of him not answering my messages, I saw that he had refollowed me on all the social medias meaning he unfollowed me… Kinda was shocking he did that. Then I had apologized for everything that happened and he forgave me but it’s still kinda heartbreaking. Now he will kinda respond to my messages but they’re now short and the other day I was asking all my friends for some birthday ideas since I’m turning 23 in a couple of days. I asked him as a friend but he snapped at me saying how I’m a girl, he didn’t turn 23 this year and his 24th birthday he went to Dave and Busters. I thought that was rude but I didn’t say anything afterwards.


I’m just confused overall. I don’t know if he’ll want to retry even though I royally screwed everything up or if I should continue to still be his friend even though I somehow still have feelings for him. In a way I feel like he may not like me anymore or if he truly forgives me for breaking his heart... Also, the other day I saw one of my friends post a slanderous message on social media of my ex so I sent him saying that my friend thinks he condones rape culture and how it’s women’s fault. I sent to him saying that friends show what’s being sent behind people’s back and how I told her off about it. Well he messaged me back and kept asking what I thought he meant and how it wasn’t a woman’s fault and how rape is a horrendous crime; basically saying the complete opposite while telling me that my friends and I dox him. I told him that she just knows you from me telling her that went on a date in California but didn’t know how she found that or why she said it. Well he went ballistic on her and messaged her and reported her. Then after that, he stopped talking to me which was fine. And the other day, I accidentally sent him a message that I was coming to California to visit in March and that I was moving back next January and he responded this long weird message saying that it was nice but he won’t be able to see me in March because he has pilot training but it’s nice I’ll be coming back and how I need to get a good apartment and how they range from $600-$900 unless I want a safe neighborhood which is around $1100+ Which was weird because he didn’t respond to other messages but will to me coming back in the near future. Now from all that mess of a message, my point is I've been single all of my life, had two encounters of 'love I guess, but didn't end well, but I hate this feeling of being single...


I know there's no definite answer of when, but am I ever gonna be in a relationship ever' Also, for the last guy 'I was with,' why are we still friends on social media, still has my number and said that we were friends after we fought, but will blatantly ignore me' Also, is his offer of 'If I'm ever in town, we can start over' still on the table' I mean he said it before we fought and he did forgive me but in the back of my head I feel like he has lost interest in me and that offer no longer stands.... I know, I know. This sounds like a long, whiny post, and I don't mean it to be but I'm in a rut, and I have no clue on what to do as I usually don't know what to do in the love department. Especially when my friends know my love situation and know I have no experience. So my many questions of this large post are: Am I doomed for not being loved; like why do I feel like Mitus, not the person who touches everything and it turns to gold, but Mitus who ruins everything they hold" (I will mention that I also do come from both of my parents who emotionally and verbally abused my sister and me but that's a different story but does feel like it has something to do with my love department) Does ex #2 still like me or has he completely lost interest since me moving away and the stupid fight we had due to my anger" Is the offer 'if you're ever back in town, we can start over' still on the table or did I completely ruin that" What the heck does it mean when a guy says we're just friends, but then doesn't communicate with you but will still be friends on social media" Should I get over him even though all my friends and family now don't like him and keep telling me to move on and go into the dating scene again"

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I only skimmed over the beginning of your post. My advice to anyone who wants a relationship: put in the work. It takes dating a boatload of people to find one who meets all of your main needs. That means you have to meet a boatload of men. There is meetups.com which is a less stressful way to meet people who meet up for fun activities in your area. There is the more stressful online dating if you can handle it. You can expand your activities like taking dance lessons, cooking lessons, book discussion groups. You can ask friends what they've witnessed when you're dating to give you tips on things you may be doing wrong. You can read books on communication skills for when you're in a romantic relationship. You can ask a friends advice on if you need a fashion update with clothes that look good on you and if you need a new hairstyle.


After my divorce, I had to go on dates with about 30 men, most not going past the first date, until I met my future husband. That involved several years of frustration and uncomfortable situations, but in the end it was worth the effort. Good luck.

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