What am I doing wrong when it comes to getting second dates?

[ironpony]

I feel like I keep failing at it. When it comes to women I have been really good at getting sex, as I talked about in a couple of past threads, but I feel like so many women see me as a sex object and do not see me as serious relationship potential. But is there anything I could be doing particularly that is sending that message unintentionally, or what could I do differently to get them interested on a more relationship like level?

[pippy longstocking]

Don't sleep with them

[IAmFCA]

We attract people with similar fundamental perspectives. So: 1) Do you value other parts of yourself? Are you selling your sexuality when you market yourself to others? 2) Are you choosing women who use their sexuality as a primary way to attract you?

[SherrySher]

Concentrate on building a friendship and then romancing a woman. Don't be pushing for sex or expecting it right away. Connections on an emotional level must be made first in order for someone to want to continue to pursue things and take someone seriously.

[CuriLov3]

I agree! Friendship first is key. That’s where you develop trust in each other. That way both of you can learn more about each other to see if your compatible. And to be honest any guy that doesn’t try to get into my pants the first day is a good start for me.

[lostandhurt]

I would guess you are so used to hunting women for sex that you put off that vibe but now you want more than just sex and are looking for a relationship but your game is still predicated on hooking up. You need to transition from one to the other.

 

I am not saying change who you are but you do need to change the way you are going about all this. Of course the first thing is to stop having sex with them so soon. If you are angling to get them into bed on the first date they may think "Okay, he is cute and I am horny so this should be fun but he isn't what I want long term" BUT if you change it up a little and ease up on your natural game by maybe 50%, resist advances by them, only kiss them goodnight or give them a hug and leave them wanting to get to know you more the chances of a second date will increase.

 

If you put yourself in their shoes for a second and think what they are thinking when you contact them again after hooking up on the first date. Would you think the guy really liked you and wanted to get to know you more or would you think he wants sex again and that is it?

 

Women are really smart and can read your intentions even if you want something else but your body language and game say the opposite.

 

Slow it down, don't be a wussy but ease up on your usual game and end the first few dates with a hug or a kiss and see what happens.

 

Lost

[abitbroken]

Yup, you come off as a creep to some. Women that just want a fling know that you are the guy. If you want something meaningful, be a more interesting person that has other interests besides trying to get women to sleep with you. And go out with a woman somewhere you can chat and not talk about sex.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. But I haven't been sleeping with them.

 

A lot of time the women that want sex will mention it in the conversations when we text for example. Where was other ones, are just interested in hanging out and getting to know me at first. These are the ones I concentrate on more, and I do not sleep with them right away or anything.

 

However, these ones will go out with me on one or two dates, and then loose interest, where as I may see them with a lot more relationship potential. I feel like I keep losing out to all the women that are interested in relationships after friends... and have more success in the women who are just looking for sex primarily.

 

But wondering what I could different when it comes to the women who want a relationship. Plus I haven't been talking about sex, and usually they will bring it up if they are interested. The last quite a few dates I have ended on a hug, nothing more, but no second calls or texts, or anything. But there are still women asking me to hook up, so I feel I am doing something wrong.

[ironpony]

There two recent dates I was one where I really like the women and didn't talk about sex or anything like that, and showed a genuine romantic interest, or at least that was my intention. They both seemed uninterested and didn't get second dates. And recently, my friend said that she thinks I would be a good match for a friend of hers, and showed her friend my picture and she was interested. So I let her give my friend my number, and we have been texting back and forth. Her friend lives a couple of hours out of the city. But after a couple of conversations, her friend then starts talking about sex, and asks me to hook up, where I was under the impression she was just interested in dating and possible relationship if went well.

 

That is just an example, but I feel as far as sex talk goes, that the women have been initiating it, if that's what they want.

[Liraele]

For the first dates that seem to end pleasantly/you have a good feeling about, do you reach out and seek a second date, or do you wait for them to do so?

[ironpony]

I seek a second one.

[Christina S]

Sweetie, ''ironpony'' ... seriously????

 

I disagree with all the above. I think you shouldnt participate in any conversation much. Stick to gesturing (flowers, sweets and especially jewellery). Then if, you handle it properly you might have another chance. I think that what you actually say is the problem. You are immature and it shows. Grow up and till then, gesture

[ironpony]

Sweets and jewellery on a first meeting though? What if it sends the message that maybe that is a little forward, if you haven't actually met the person in person yet. What is it about me that shows I am immature? The name ironpony? That name was the name of a fictional music band from a story I wrote as a kid, and I did not intend it as sexual reference, if that is what you're implying. You say it's what I say that shows that I am immature, right, so what am I saying wrong?

[mustlovedogs]

No jewelry on a first date. Absolutely not.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. But since I often don't get past a first date, I don't think there is time for such gestures, and I have to rely on my words more than gestures then, don't I?

[Liraele]

I seek a second one.

 

...and what are the responses, typically?

 

If you have a good rapport (and I know this is going to sound weird) you could always just ask for some honest feedback if they decline a second date. They may or may no provide it, but if you don't ask... the answer is always no.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. Well I asked for my women friends opinions and they say that if I am declined a second date, it's always better to act cool and nonchalant about it, cause it will give women the impression that I am confident and secure about being rejected a second date, and they will see that as attractive. So that is why I act cool and don't ask. Usually it doesn't bother me at all, but lately, after its happened a lot, it starts to make me wonder if I'm doing something wrong.

[willdation]

Tip - Don't buy expensive gifts for a woman until you are serious or in a relationship...Taking a woman out for a nice evening and showing her a great time, making her smile, laugh is pretty much all you need to do....

 

Also, I personally wouldn't ask for another date while on your first date....I would say after your first date maybe wait 3-4 days and then contact her again and ask what her schedule is like and when she is free to get together...

 

That's pretty much it

[ironpony]

Okay thanks, the only reason why I mentioned jewellery, is cause it was suggested to me, which is why I said I didn't think it was a good idea.

 

I disagree with all the above. I think you shouldnt participate in any conversation much. Stick to gesturing (flowers, sweets and especially jewellery). Then if, you handle it properly you might have another chance. I think that what you actually say is the problem. You are immature and it shows. Grow up and till then, gesture

 

I feel I have been doing what has been recommended on here mostly, it's just I am doing something wrong I feel. Like last night I had a date that was really into me when we first met, and then went on the date later, and seemed to be laughing and smiling and all was going good. But then by the end of the date, I could tell she had lost all interest, and it got me thinking I am doing something wrong, since this has happened before, but last night's being the most obvious change from positive to negative by the end.

[willdation]

Hey I just realized from your lasts posts that you were pretty much kissing and touching women after they said no?!

 

Thats not cool at all, so no wonder women don't want a second date.....

 

 

You mentioned you feel used like a sex object, but from what I can see you are just creeping out girls and touching girls when they tell you no.....

 

 

I strongly suggest staying away from all women until you talk to a therapist and discuss what you mentioned here with them...

[katrina1980]

No jewelry on a first date. Absolutely not.

 

Agree, and would not suggest flowers or candy either. God no.

 

It's way too over the top for first date, screams "white knight" = trying too hard to please = turn off (for most women).

 

OP, unless we become a fly on the wall on your dates, it is impossible to know what you're doing "wrong."

 

Maybe it's nothing, they're just not "feeling it." No chemistry.

 

Most women need their emotions stirred in some way. I know I do.

 

Compatibility isn't even enough, nor is a great personality, good looks, success.

 

It's that intangible "something" call it an energy, whatever, but I and many women need that to move forward with a guy.

 

Now I admit that I've made the massive mistake of continuing to date a man without feeling that energy, which turned out to be a huge disaster.

 

May I ask how YOU feel about these women who don't want second dates?

 

Are you into all of them? Felt that chemistry/energy with all of them? Beyond just looks.

 

Or is it just about ego and getting that "second date"? Validation that you're attractive or something?

 

If you are only into casual dating/sex, fair enough but maybe these women don't want just casual.

[lostandhurt]

I agree we cannot help you without more information.

 

I have a few questions:

 

1. Are you close to the same social status of these women?

2. Are you close to the same economic status of these women?

3. Similar education or intellect?

4. Similar interests?

5. Are you articulate?

 

Basically if a lot of women turn the discussion towards sex then you must be attractive to them physically but are not attracting them in other ways so they see you as a fling but not long term. How do you think you come off on your dates? As their equal?

 

Here is an idea. When a woman brings up sex and hooking up how about you tell them that the prospect sounds fun but you are looking for something serious that would lead to a great relationship and you prefer to wait until you know someone more before things get intimate. See what happens.

 

There is surely something going on during these first dates that is sabotaging you. Do you text them when you get home after the date letting them know you had a good time and hope they got home safe?

 

Lost

[abitbroken]

I agree we cannot help you without more information.

 

I have a few questions:

 

1. Are you close to the same social status of these women?

2. Are you close to the same economic status of these women?

3. Similar education or intellect?

4. Similar interests?

5. Are you articulate?

 

Basically if a lot of women turn the discussion towards sex then you must be attractive to them physically but are not attracting them in other ways so they see you as a fling but not long term. How do you think you come off on your dates? As their equal?

 

Here is an idea. When a woman brings up sex and hooking up how about you tell them that the prospect sounds fun but you are looking for something serious that would lead to a great relationship and you prefer to wait until you know someone more before things get intimate. See what happens.

 

There is surely something going on during these first dates that is sabotaging you. Do you text them when you get home after the date letting them know you had a good time and hope they got home safe?

 

Lost

 

6) Do they know your friends well or in your circle to perhaps know some of the women you hooked up with or have the impression you have a "reputation" of sleeping around?

7) Do you actually talk about things she likes to do and "soft close" on the idea of a second date.

8) is your body language too familiar too fast?

 

I totally agree with what was said above about if a woman is talking about sex. Tell her that you are looking for something different.

[PICCOLLO]

A few women I wasnt interested in after a first date flat out asked me why I wasnt interested. Maybe text them and ask? They may be blunt but thats the easiest way to shed light on this.

[ironpony]

I agree we cannot help you without more information.

 

I have a few questions:

 

1. Are you close to the same social status of these women?

2. Are you close to the same economic status of these women?

3. Similar education or intellect?

4. Similar interests?

5. Are you articulate?

 

Basically if a lot of women turn the discussion towards sex then you must be attractive to them physically but are not attracting them in other ways so they see you as a fling but not long term. How do you think you come off on your dates? As their equal?

 

Here is an idea. When a woman brings up sex and hooking up how about you tell them that the prospect sounds fun but you are looking for something serious that would lead to a great relationship and you prefer to wait until you know someone more before things get intimate. See what happens.

 

There is surely something going on during these first dates that is sabotaging you. Do you text them when you get home after the date letting them know you had a good time and hope they got home safe?

 

I would say I am all five of those things I think. To give more information, I am not sure what information to give cause I am not sure what I am doing wrong. For example, I went on a few dates with this woman a few weeks ago, and after the few dates, she messaged me and said she decided we were not right for each other and she lost interest. I said yeah, that's cool, no problem and moved on. Then a couple of weeks later, she messages me and says that she told her friend about me and that she has gotten her friend interested in me and I should go out with her friend sometime and see if we click. So I asked her more info about her friend, this and that, and asked her for a photo of her friend, and thought she was goodlooking and said sure, I can meet up with her sometime, and see how it goes.

 

So she put me in communication with her friend, and then her friend and I started talking about and forth but her friend started bringing up sexual topics in conversation and drove it that way, and then after a few chats asked me to hook up with her on our first meeting. I said I would think about it, cause maybe I try to drive this another way. However, this is a more current example now. The first girl looses interest after a few dates, then sets me up with her friend, and then friend then wants sex. So I wonder did she do something to get her friend interested into me sexually, or did the friend just decide to want to hook up on her accord. Or what caused that to go hooking up, instead of dating...

 

 

Okay thanks. I would say I am all five of those things when it comes to the women I pursue. As for saying that I want more than sex if they bring it up, I could do that. Usually when that happens and they bring up sex, a lot of times I give up at that point, cause I think that's what they want, if they ask me to hook up.

 

Tip - Don't buy expensive gifts for a woman until you are serious or in a relationship...Taking a woman out for a nice evening and showing her a great time, making her smile, laugh is pretty much all you need to do....

 

Also, I personally wouldn't ask for another date while on your first date....I would say after your first date maybe wait 3-4 days and then contact her again and ask what her schedule is like and when she is free to get together...

 

That's pretty much it

 

Yeah I don't buy expensive gifts at all, it's just one of the posters on here suggested it, so that is why I brought up the idea, in response to his/her post.

 

A few women I wasnt interested in after a first date flat out asked me why I wasnt interested. Maybe text them and ask? They may be blunt but thats the easiest way to shed light on this.

 

I tried this with the last woman by messaging her on the dating site where I met her, cause I really liked her and thought we really clicked, but it turns out she blocked me. So I couldn't find out what the reason is from her.

 

I was trying to research it and according it a lot of opinion, women find confidence to be the most sexually appealing quality in a man. Could that be what is triggering them towards sex as the initial thing they want, is me displaying confidence?