EX GF Broke up with me says I'm Manipulative? Broke up over a mistunderstanding?

[Mijon]

Hey there everyone.

 

I'm in a bit of a dilemma that I could really use another outlook on.

 

Ive been together with my GF for about 3 and a half years now and we never really had any problems out whole relationship. whenever we disagreed about things we heard each other out and then went on our way having a good time. But about a year and a half in she went off to school on east coast and graduated. We have been traveling and visiting each other a lot but this year we talked about finally moving together and living together.... and this is where the arguments started.

 

So for about 5 months now weve been arguing about a whole lot of things. Not just the moving, but other things like her jumping conclusions about things, and me being stressed at my job so I've been a bit angry lately. So it's obviously not helping. Also, we're an interracial couple and for about a year and a half now I've been trying to talk to her and make her understand that its very important that she talk to her parents about how serious our relationship is and how when I move to the area shes at/ wants to be that some issues can arise. So for the past few months I've been talking to her about many different things in the news happening lately with Interracial couples and in certain places where shes at and etc.

 

She continually gives me excuses about how shes scared, doesnt know how and so on and so forth. I have told her, I can do it with her if she wants, I've given her ways to naturally bring the conversation up and it's just whenever it happens no matter what she just will not do it. So it's been really bothering me and I'm really stressed out about it. So weve been broken up for about 3 weeks now.

 

The break up happened over skype and for 30 minutes shes crying and upset and saying she cant do it she cant break up with she loves me to much and repeats this over and over and over again and then finally does it.

 

So for 3 weeks she hasnt responded to any of my messages but she reads and looks at all of them immediately I'm just trying to get her to communicate with me and talk about whats wrong.

 

So I talked to her best friend who recently talked to her a day or so ago and Her friends says...

 

She broke up with me over the arguments recently and the fact I was Over Manipulative of her. Whiich confused us both because this is her best friend that knows me and knows her very well and said I dont know what shes talking about because thats not the kind of guy you are. But, she does have a new friend where shes at who is a really bad influence and is just not a good person. She cant even keep a decent relationship and keep going back and forth to awful guys who treat her like grabage and we feel like shes been giving my gf/exgf advice and we feel like shes influencing her.

 

( This girl also got on my bad side when she told me that she completely know and understands what its like being a minority in america and she is a Caucasian girl.)

 

But anyways, she says I'm being over-manipulative by me telling her about the racial things that happen in those areas and just around the world and that this could create a new circumstance for her and I just want her to be on the same page with me. But apparently me telling her those things she thinks I am trying to persuade her to not live there and not be where she wants for her dreams and goals. When I met her I knew where she wanted to be then and I was ok with it. I'm ok with it now, I even told her I'd move there with and have been looking for career jobs there. But apparently she also still thinks that I am only doing it because of her and that I really dont want to. II dont know how many times I need to tell her that I'm doing it for no other reason than I want to and to be with her.

 

Her friend has been telling her she really needs to just talk to me and not end the relationship over a misunderstanding but no matter what shes saying to her she just keeps saying she doesnt want to talk to me because im going to manipulate her and that shes completely done and this is the first rough patch weve ever had. Only for her to also say now is not the right time to talk to me. But shes apparently also really beat up ad messed up about the relationship ending. I've tried everything I CAN to get her to communicate with me but she just wont and im really hurt and sad because I love her very much but we could just fix this is she would talk to me.

 

Her best friend is even so frustrated that she is going to send her a long message about why shes doing this to me because I've never been an awful person and I'm a great boyfriend and seriously thinks shes just overreacting about this.

 

 

 

(IDK if this helps any but her Mother is a psychologist and I'm sure shes talked to her and her bad friend about this situation. )

 

 

*edit* I've met her parents several times and they really like me. **

 

 

Does anyone have any advice or another outlook on this for me?

 

Thank you so much in advance.

[rosephase]

Maybe it's just the way you put it... but from what you wrote it sounds like she broke up with you so she wouldn't have to tell her parents how serious the relationship is/was.

 

How old are you both?

[Mijon]

Maybe it's just the way you put it... but from what you wrote it sounds like she broke up with you so she wouldn't have to tell her parents how serious the relationship is/was.

 

How old are you both?

 

I'm 30 and shes 27.

 

I see I hope not.. she seems like she really wanted to.

[abitbroken]

Also, we're an interracial couple and for about a year and a half now I've been trying to talk to her and make her understand that its very important that she talk to her parents about how serious our relationship is and how when I move to the area shes at/ wants to be that some issues can arise. So for the past few months I've been talking to her about many different things in the news happening lately with Interracial couples and in certain places where shes at and etc.

 

if you live one area and things are going fine -- by warning her that "there could be all sorts of problems because we are an interracial couple" might make her think that you think her hometown is bad and you may be insulting her a bit. To me, those warnings would mean that you don't want her to move there or you to move there. My ex used to slam my hometown all the time. It made it so appealing to move back there.

 

If her parents know you are dating eachother, at 3 years, I don't think its necessary to have a discussion about HOW SERIOUS YOU ARE. I mean, you would be moving to her town and parents are not dumb -- unless she is from a culture where you can't date her unless you are going to propose. To me, I would not want that kind of pressure of my SO wanting me to have a sit down and explain to my parents how serious of a relationship this is. Parents know through tons of small conversations and actions that their daughter is serious about someone - until there is a ring or a pregnancy or a joint property purchase, what is there really to say as far as a "sit down"?

 

Honestly, I think you are the one who is making race the big issue. If she loves you and wants to be with you and you are taking the step to move to her hometown -- its not like she just realized she is dating someone of a different ethnicity and it now shocks her because she doesn't know. Her parents accept you - so why can't you just relax?

 

She KNOWs you aren't of the same background and whatever wrestling with it she needed to do happened before she seriously dated you. I think you are insulting her intelligence

[Mijon]

Also, we're an interracial couple and for about a year and a half now I've been trying to talk to her and make her understand that its very important that she talk to her parents about how serious our relationship is and how when I move to the area shes at/ wants to be that some issues can arise. So for the past few months I've been talking to her about many different things in the news happening lately with Interracial couples and in certain places where shes at and etc.

 

if you live one area and things are going fine -- by warning her that "there could be all sorts of problems because we are an interracial couple" might make her think that you think her hometown is bad and you may be insulting her a bit. To me, those warnings would mean that you don't want her to move there or you to move there. My ex used to slam my hometown all the time. It made it so appealing to move back there.

 

If her parents know you are dating eachother, at 3 years, I don't think its necessary to have a discussion about HOW SERIOUS YOU ARE. I mean, you would be moving to her town and parents are not dumb -- unless she is from a culture where you can't date her unless you are going to propose. To me, I would not want that kind of pressure of my SO wanting me to have a sit down and explain to my parents how serious of a relationship this is. Parents know through tons of small conversations and actions that their daughter is serious about someone - until there is a ring or a pregnancy or a joint property purchase, what is there really to say as far as a "sit down"?

 

Honestly, I think you are the one who is making race the big issue. If she loves you and wants to be with you and you are taking the step to move to her hometown -- its not like she just realized she is dating someone of a different ethnicity and it now shocks her because she doesn't know. Her parents accept you - so why can't you just relax?

 

She KNOWs you aren't of the same background and whatever wrestling with it she needed to do happened before she seriously dated you. I think you are insulting her intelligence

 

It's not her hometown. We're both from the same hometown. Her parents move to that same area that she went to school at. Her parents also didn't know how serious we were.

[DancingFool]

It's not her hometown. We're both from the same hometown. Her parents move to that same area that she went to school at. Her parents also didn't know how serious we were.

 

What is your hang up with this "serious" stuff??? I mean I'm sorry but you are just coming across like the one with the issue when nobody has one or cares. It's 2017 and you are trying to dig up articles and things to prove that your relationship is a problem? It's....just....weird.... In her shoes, your behavior would leave me cold as well and I don't think I'd trust you to built a future together. You are way way way too hung up on race.

[abitbroken]

It's not her hometown. We're both from the same hometown. Her parents move to that same area that she went to school at. Her parents also didn't know how serious we were.

 

ok then -- wherever you were going to move to, then. I still think you are making race a bigger issue than it needs to be.

 

Also, we're an interracial couple and for about a year and a half now

 

you said that you have been together for 3 years, but then that you are an interracial couple for about a year and a half. Did one of you change race 1 1/2 years ago? I am not trying to be flippant here. How long have you been dating?

[Mijon]

ok then -- wherever you were going to move to, then. I still think you are making race a bigger issue than it needs to be.

 

Also, we're an interracial couple and for about a year and a half now

 

you said that you have been together for 3 years, but then that you are an interracial couple for about a year and a half. Did one of you change race 1 1/2 years ago? I am not trying to be flippant here. How long have you been dating?

 

 

" And for about a year and a half now ive been talking to her about the fact she needed to talk to her parents. "

 

We've been dating for 3 and a half years.

 

I'm also not the only who thought that it needed to be done.

[Mijon]

What is your hang up with this "serious" stuff??? I mean I'm sorry but you are just coming across like the one with the issue when nobody has one or cares. It's 2017 and you are trying to dig up articles and things to prove that your relationship is a problem? It's....just....weird.... In her shoes, your behavior would leave me cold as well and I don't think I'd trust you to built a future together. You are way way way too hung up on race.

 

It's because a lot of things have been happening lately in that particular area that she's even brought to my attention. I'm not bringing up anything on purpose.

[abitbroken]

" And for about a year and a half now ive been talking to her about the fact she needed to talk to her parents. "

 

We've been dating for 3 and a half years.

 

Ok. I misread. I still say her parents aren't stupid.

 

I think that if you had just said "hey, if i am going to move in with you, I'd like you to tell your parents first so they aren't surprised that we are living together. if your family doesn't know, i don't want to do it, I'll wait until you are ready to tell them". vs layering it with all the racial stuff it would have been received differently. I will say with my younger sister, she didn't want to tell my parents that she was moving in with her boyfriend because while they liked him, they didn't approve of just "living together" - they said "oh, I am renting this house and there will be 3 guys and 4 girls (they were in college)." And then suddenly, Becky dropped out and Sally Sue dropped out, etc, and by the time the moving in came "whoops, i guess its just me and boyfriend!" It turns out there was no other people all along

[MissCanuck]

OP, in the end, it's not her friend's business. I personally think she's out of line sharing your ex's thoughts with you, and then sending your ex a long message asking why she's doing this to you. Holy Boundary-Buster, Batman. I would be pissed if I thought a friend of mine was meddling in my break-up like this.

 

Your ex can think for herself. I know you are hurt and searching for answers, but this is not the way to go about it. I would advise you and her friend to back off. She has you messaging her and she's not responding; now she's got this friend messaging her essentially chastising her for doing what she feels is best for herself. Just stop.

[reinventmyself]

So for about 5 months now weve been arguing about a whole lot of things. Not just the moving, but other things like her jumping conclusions about things, and me being stressed at my job so I've been a bit angry lately. So it's obviously not helping. Also, we're an interracial couple and for about a year and a half now I've been trying to talk to her and make her understand that its very important that she talk to her parents about how serious our relationship is and how when I move to the area shes at/ wants to be that some issues can arise. So for the past few months I've been talking to her about many different things in the news happening lately with Interracial couples and in certain places where shes at and etc.

(.

 

Firstly, you didn't break up over a simple misunderstanding.

You mention that things have been rough for few months and `arguing over a lot of things'

But you go on as if you are blindsided by her decision and deflect any responsibility for the demise of your relationship by pinning it on a friend that is supposedly a bad influence. Do you believe your gf is fragile enough that she cant think for herself?

 

I don't know if you are manipulative or not but it's often suspect to me when someone starts to solicit others into the mix to support their cause. It feels a little manipulative, honestly.

 

If someone calls you manipulative, you don't have to own it, but it definitely is a call to take a look at yourself and see if there is any truth to it.

 

Focusing on what everyone else is doing while not taking a look at your own involvement will get you nowhere fast.

 

She apparently wants some distance. Trying to get to her through her friend is intrusive. Stop the friend before she writes her a message and tells her she is overreacting. She felt it serious enough to end a relationship over after all.

 

Give her some space and do some personal inventory.

[kamurj]

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