Can't believe I got friendzoned. What to do?

[jeffhoward]

Okay, so I met this girl on Tinder, and after having chatted for a few weeks, we decided to meet.

 

There was a lot of chemistry, we laughed, had the same views, opinions and interests. I didn't want to move too quickly, so no kiss or anything at that time. Then, a few days later, we had a brunch and walked through the park. On third date, we were at her place, cooked a nice dinner and watched a movie. I kissed her, and she kissed again.

 

The next few months we got to see each other more and more often. 3-4 times a week. Sometimes for dinner, and sometimes just a quick cup of coffee. We had sex, and everything were great. It was not just me making the moves, but also her, so I guess she was really into me. Sometimes she seemed busy, and the past few weeks, she had been a little off. But we still got to see each other a few times a week.

 

Last Friday, we had a cup of coffee, and I was a little tired of her and that she didn't respond when I tried to contact her etc. So I played "cold" and didn't really want anything (kiss, holding hands etc.). However, when we said goodbye, SHE approached me and kissed me, holding hands and so on.. The next day we were to go out and have a nice dinner, but in the morning she said she wanted to cancel the date, having gotten tired of the "calendar feeling" about our meetings (we probably planned our "dates" too much), so she wanted a little space to find herself, and get together with some friends etc. I said okay, let's take a week off. I wouldn't contact her unless she contacted me.

 

The next few days I heard nothing, but then after a few days, she snapped me a picture of her getting ready to go out with some of her girlfriends. I naturally responded to that, but didn't really get any replies. It was like that the next few days, where she snapped me, I snapped back - sometime got a reply, sometime none. We also chatted a little, but not much.

 

Then Friday, after 6 days "space", we decided to meet each other on Saturday. We hadn't talked about us yet, but on Saturday morning, I decided to write to her about my feelings about her, that I cared a lot about her because she's a fantastic girl, and I wanted to hang out with her again. I'm not busy, and don't want to put a label on us. It doesn't have to get really serious now, but I still expect that she isn't seeing other guys.

 

The response I got was pretty disappointing: She had thought a lot about it, and she didn't want anything serious (and I said that I'm not needing any serious right now. I just wanted to hang out a few days a week, talking, cooking, kissing, cuddling, maybe having sex.. like before..). She say I'm a fantastic sweet guy, but right now, we cannot be anything more than FRIENDS... She still wanted to hang out later that day, and we went out eating, and then played games in a bar all night until 1 AM. We didn't really talk about us, because I think both of us just wanted to have a fun time..

 

But I have talked to her, trying to understand her, but she says she just wants to be friends now. I can't believe it. She kissed me one day before she said she wanted space. We have had such a great time, and she have made as many moves as I have for kissing/sex etc. And she still says I'm a fantastic sweet guy... And she's just so perfect, sweet, funny, pretty and we had a great chemistry.

 

So what now? I really like her, and could really see her as a girlfriend in the future. But it just sounds like the completely stopped having any feelings for me during that week.. I don't think it's possible to just be friends now, after we've been seeing each other a few months and having sex, kissing etc.

 

Don't you think the best way going forward is to just ditch her, get over her, and then live my life, even though it seems so hard? We've seen each other twice afterwards, as I had hoped I could maybe escape the friendzone. But it seems like there is no interest from her (unless she hides it).

 

I'm just unsure if she's playing with me, or if she's really just seeing me as a friend. When we began "dating", she said that she wanted what she couldn't get. I just think that makes me puzzled.

 

Guess the best way is to say goodbye and get over her..

[SweetGirl28]

You accept FWB until it ends, or end it now. I'd choose the latter.

[MovieGuy18]

In my opinion, she is leading you on and keeping her options open. I wouldn't contact her anymore. Let her reach out to you if she wants to see you.

[jeffhoward]

You accept FWB until it ends, or end it now. I'd choose the latter.

 

It’s not even FWB. She explicitly told me “no more kissing or sex”. It’s just friendzoned....

[DancingFool]

Well....3-4 times per week is a lot of seeing each other. You weren't even dating, you jumped straight into and instant relationship. I actually feel suffocated just reading that. She got suffocated, burnt out, lost interest. Next time take it easy and pace yourself with a little less intensity OR look for a girl who wants the attached at the hip type relationship. As for this one, stick a fork in it, it's done.

[SweetGirl28]

It’s not even FWB. She explicitly told me “no more kissing or sex”. It’s just friendzoned....

 

Oops, sorry. Move on! Friend zone is an awful place to be.

[figureitout23]

It’s not even FWB. She explicitly told me “no more kissing or sex”. It’s just friendzoned....

 

Oops, sorry. Move on! Friend zone is an awful place to be.

 

I wouldn't even define it as that. If you were friendzoned you wouldn't have ever got her in bed, y'all were full blown dating. Sounds to me like something happened to make her lose interest and now she's being nice/ keeping you as a back up option.

[glitterfingers]

Personally I think you were too available and she got used to how easy it was to get attention from you. All she had to do was snap a picture to you and she'd get a response. She likes the attention, but you're not giving her enough of a challenge for her to value your time when she gets it and she just sees you as a doormat for company when she doesn't want to feel lonely. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but to put it bluntly, you made it too easy for her to use and discard you. It's hard for anyone (guy or girl) to value something that they get for free and without having to put in much effort

 

I would go no contact for a couple of weeks, and then only respond when she reaches out first and tries to make plans. Let her know that you're not interested in being friends but if she wants to organise a date with you, you're only a phone call away. And then let her either chase you up for that, or, you're free to move on and date other women

[fmfan08]

Stating your feelings got you friendzoned and you displayed feminine energy. You should have left that to her. This is why every time a guy explains their feelings to a girl they aren’t properly in a relationship with, they get the “not ready for a relationship/lets just be friends” speech.

[Elavohra]

Run away! Friendzone sucks. Don't care they rest.

[Elavohra]

Run away! Friendzone sucks. Don't care the rest.

[Sportster2005]

 

Then Friday, after 6 days "space", we decided to meet each other on Saturday. We hadn't talked about us yet, but on Saturday morning, I decided to write to her about my feelings about her, that I cared a lot about her because she's a fantastic girl, and I wanted to hang out with her again. I'm not busy, and don't want to put a label on us. It doesn't have to get really serious now, but I still expect that she isn't seeing other guys.

 

You played this card too early and awkwardly.

The response I got was pretty disappointing: She had thought a lot about it, and she didn't want anything serious (and I said that I'm not needing any serious right now. I just wanted to hang out a few days a week, talking, cooking, kissing, cuddling, maybe having sex.. like before..). She say I'm a fantastic sweet guy, but right now, we cannot be anything more than FRIENDS... She still wanted to hang out later that day, and we went out eating, and then played games in a bar all night until 1 AM. We didn't really talk about us, because I think both of us just wanted to have a fun time..

So she gets what she wants, but you don't get what you want. Why do that?

 

But I have talked to her, trying to understand her, but she says she just wants to be friends now. I can't believe it.

Believe it. If you push the issue, you'll just alienate her more. Let it go.

 

She kissed me one day before she said she wanted space. We have had such a great time, and she have made as many moves as I have for kissing/sex etc. And she still says I'm a fantastic sweet guy... And she's just so perfect, sweet, funny, pretty and we had a great chemistry.

Apparently you didn't have great chemistry, or she would still be with you. You only speak for one person when it comes to chemistry.

 

So what now? I really like her, and could really see her as a girlfriend in the future. But it just sounds like the completely stopped having any feelings for me during that week.. I don't think it's possible to just be friends now, after we've been seeing each other a few months and having sex, kissing etc.

Let it go. For two reasons. The first, you'll only get hurt and drive yourself crazy. And secondly, it's more attractive to walk away and show some strength.

Don't you think the best way going forward is to just ditch her, get over her, and then live my life,

Yup, that's exactly what you do.

even though it seems so hard? We've seen each other twice afterwards, as I had hoped I could maybe escape the friendzone. But it seems like there is no interest from her (unless she hides it).

She's not hiding anything. Accept it.

 

I'm just unsure if she's playing with me, or if she's really just seeing me as a friend. When we began "dating", she said that she wanted what she couldn't get. I just think that makes me puzzled.

She can only play with you, if you allow it. Don't.

[jeffhoward]

Thanks for your responses, guys/gals! It's nice to hear some more opinions about this.

 

I totally agree that we got too close too fast. And it's not something I usually do. We live just 1km away from each other, and I think that's contributed to us being too much together. It was just so easy to just come by for a quick cup of coffee etc.

 

It's no secret that I really like the girl, and have had a fun time with her. It's not like it's the first girl I ditch - I've been dating a lot - but this have just made me think an extra time.. Because maybe, just maybe there could be a chance for her to want me back!

But it's the right choice to ditch her..

 

Today, I've ignored her, and she have even texted me and snapped me twice. Will not write anything to her today, and I'm going to the cinema with some colleagues tonight to get away a little bit. I'm going to stay like this for a few days, just to see how she reacts. I have nothing to loose. And then I'm going to end it with her.

 

Again, thanks for your opinions about this! It makes it a lot easier to take this step.

[JustMizz]

"It doesn't have to get really serious now, but I still expect that she isn't seeing other guys."

 

This is what got you friend zoned, IMO.

You told her you don't want anything serious with her, but you want her to be exclusive to you.

 

You can't have it both ways.

[willdation]

I would say that if after a few months of dating, if you two are not serious and she is not head over heals for ya, then there were definitely some mistakes....

 

From what I could pick up

 

- there was a lack of variety and spontaneity, especially with dates

- she needed space to be with her friends

- you pursued maybe a bit much and put all your cards on the table with your feelings which got rid of any sense of mystery and it is a scientific fact that women are more attracted when your feelings are unclear

 

But that's ok. We all learn....

 

That being said, here are my tips for next time

 

- Go out on at least one date a week and make it spontaneous and exciting. Not the same boring place every same boring Saturday. Sometimes make it a surprise and when she asks where you are going, say - "That is a secret and for you to find out " etc.

 

- Maybe stop chatting too much or at least give her lots of freedom and space to be with her friends. You have to give a person space to FEEL their attraction for ya...

 

- With regard to saying your feelings, only do this once you are in a relationship (but you can still be flirty). Don't pressure a girl when dating and just focus on keeping her happy, and trust me when she is ready for something serious she will bring it up

 

Now there are also some external things going on in the background which could have lowered her attraction......

 

Anyway - So what should you do now if you want her back?

 

You should walk away and NEVER reach out to her. When she brings up being friends you must stand your ground and say you cannot accept friends as you have feelings for her, but tell her to get in touch if she happens to change her mind and you would then love to see her...

[willdation]

Also, I would like to point out that you should never act "Cold" with a girl you care for or in a relationship with..... Some people say you should just pretend you don't care and be like - "So go out for that dance with him, I dont care" and that would make her like you..LOL...NO WAY.... Don't be needy, clingly etc...but never be cold and refuse to hold her hand etc.... That won't get ya anywhere IMO

[Sgthaytham]

Bottom line: you suffocated her and she lost interest.

 

That snapchat she sent to you wasn’t even for you, it was likely a snapchat she sent to a bunch of people. You should have ignored it.

 

Telling her how you felt was a bad move too, in the grand scheme of things. She had already lost interest by then and it came across as rather clingy.

 

Only thing you can do now is back off completely.

[fabact]

Go NC. Sounds like she may have some intimacy issues as well because she says that she goes for whenever she cannot get. In girl talk that means nice guys are off the table and she goes for jerks. You both sound like you're young so just walk away from this one. She will probably keep snapping you to get attention when you stop giving her the attention.